PLAY Funny Stuff Found on the Internet - REMINDER: POLITICAL HUMOR IS NOT ALLOWED ON THIS THREAD
- Thread starter packyderms_wife
- Start date
bw
Fringe Ranger
Didn't get the joke.
von Koehler
Has No Life - Lives on TB
He kant spel
CaryC
Has No Life - Lives on TB
And they don't want reproducing.
INTJs often have a stunted sense of humor.
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of Morrison's Store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied,
"Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said,
"I'm the new minister in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post”
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied,
"Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said,
"I'm the new minister in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post”
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Little old woman on a bus, keeps giving the driver a peanut, every single time the bus stops. Being polite, the driver accepts each peanut, at each stop, and says, “ohh… thank you!”
The very next morning, exactly the same happens.
After the old dear passes him yet another peanut, at the 8th stop, he says to her, “ Well, thank you, my dear, but you must keep some for yourself, y’know? “The old dear answers, “ Oooh, NO! I can’t eat them myself, or they’ll play havoc with my dentures!”
The driver says, “ So why do you BUY them, dear, then keep giving them to me?”
The lady answers, “ Oh… I just like to suck the chocolate off of them.”
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Codeno
Veteran Member
As a recovered golfer and huge John Daly fan, this is a classic.
The bad boy of golf and formidable when everything is clicking - I got a little choked up when he won the British Open in '95.
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Study the picture first and then read the story.
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour.
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour.
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
Texican
Live Free & Die Free.... God Freedom Country....
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
von Koehler
Has No Life - Lives on TB
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StarryEyedLad
désespéré pour le ciel
StarryEyedLad
désespéré pour le ciel
StarryEyedLad
désespéré pour le ciel
StarryEyedLad
désespéré pour le ciel
CaryC
Has No Life - Lives on TB
Speaking of Caps Lock...I haven't seen him in a while. He would stop in here or the political thread and give us a good night prayer.
Profit of Doom
Dismember
Favorite food of Kzin. Bitch to unwrap.
