MAKE ME LAUGH!

[Old Reliable]

Crappy ceiling

Another perspective on the debt ceiling....



You come home from work and find there has been a sewer Backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.



What do you do

……raise the ceilings, or pump out the ####?

Your Congress at work......

 

[Old Reliable]

Law of Mechanical Repair

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.ƒ|ƒ¢

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.ƒ|ƒ£

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.ƒ|ƒ¤

Variation Law -ƒ|ƒ¦ If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of theƒ|ƒ§ Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.ƒ|ƒ¨

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.ƒ|ƒ©

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.ƒ|ƒ~ƒ¡

Law of the Theaterƒ|ƒ|ƒ¡ƒ¡ & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.ƒ|ƒ¢ƒ¡

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.ƒ|ƒ£ƒ¡

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.ƒ|ƒ¤ƒ¡

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.ƒ|ƒ¥ƒ¡

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.ƒ|ƒ¦ƒ¡

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.ƒ|ƒ§ƒ¡

ƒ|ƒ¨ƒ¡ Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better...ƒ|ƒ©ƒ¡ But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[Old Reliable]

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[Old Reliable]

Splinters in HerCrotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

 

[Old Reliable]

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons





Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah,but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

 

[Green Co.]

Good News vs Bad News

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

 

[Green Co.]

Halloween Costumes, retired Florida Couple

Halloween costumes

 

[packyderms_wife]

 

[packyderms_wife]

 

[packyderms_wife]

 

[summerthyme]

Halloween costumes

OMG... adorable!

Summerthyme

 

[RememberGoliad]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids Whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World'.
Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.'

 

[Old Reliable]

My Dog

It's just hit me !!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
She has her food prepared for her.

She can eat whenever she wants.
Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......


I think my dog is a member of Congress!

 

[Old Reliable]

No Fishing

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[Old Reliable]

Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though. "

 

[Old Reliable]

Sexy Cow

The Sexy Cow!


Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale ... $5000"

He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"

He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had privates just like a woman.

Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has privates like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with privates like a cow, and you ain't worth crap!"

 

[Old Reliable]

Dead horse theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation
to generation, says that,
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."



However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:



1. Buying a stronger whip.



2. Changing riders.



3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.



4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.



5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.



6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.



7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.



8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.



9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.



10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.



11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.



12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.



And of course....
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[Green Co.]

It's best to whisper



A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice,

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.


After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"


The man responded in a loud voice,

"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .....
I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

 

[Old Reliable]

why are lawyers so expensive?
It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ####ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No…
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Old Reliable]

Farmville

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook."

 

[Old Reliable]

Economic Woes

This Recession has hit everybody really hard...



My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

 

[Old Reliable]

Nuns and the Parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

 

[Old Reliable]

Chinese Sex Therapist

A woman was very distraught at he fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have some thing wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see DR. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery fass to odder side of room". Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reey fass back to me". So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "your problem very bad, You haf Ed Zachary disease, wors case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates". Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike you a$$".

 

[Old Reliable]

How tough are Australians ?

The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

 

[Old Reliable]

What's wrong doc

What's Wrong, Doc?

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

 

[Old Reliable]

Prostate check up

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 

[Old Reliable]

How Slow Can You Go?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says quite proudly.

The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

[Old Reliable]

A really sensitive husband

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff
says,

"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an
excellent cook. "

 

[Old Reliable]

Not all teachers are dummies

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A', so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first and second problem, each worth 5 points. Cool, they thought.

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....

For 90 points: Which tire? _________

29

 

[Green Co.]

With winter coming on...

Something to remember with winter coming on...

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What’s the matter? Asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

 

[Old Reliable]

Rye Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

The sales lady said, "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get
to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

The 80-year old man replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about
this shit but me."

 

[Old Reliable]

Prostate check up

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 

[Old Reliable]

So A Drunk Knocks On A Door

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man thinks about it, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

29

 

[Old Reliable]

The String Bikini!


Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out wolf whistles and stared their eyes out, but Bubba, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.

A few days later all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Bubba ran for his life.

So when the guys saw the girl for the third time --- this time she's stark naked --- the other two guys grabbed Bubba before he could get away.

Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, "Why are you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?"

Trembling, Bubba blurted out, "See, it's like this, my mom told me if I ever looked at a naked woman I'd turn into stone...
and I felt something getting hard!"

 

[Old Reliable]

Eating Bananas!


"Good evening, ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

 

[Old Reliable]

Ronald Reagan tells joke about Democrats

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK3Eo9cScEQ&feature=share

 

[Old Reliable]

Dogs and Cats Explained.......

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary….


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........!!


30

 

[Meadowlark]

A couple on their wedding night.

The man takes off his shoes and socks. The wife startled at his mangled and deformed toes asked what had happened?

I had toelio as a kid. Don't you mean Polio asks the wife. Nope Toelio, it only affects the toes.

Next he takes off his pants and the wife stares aghast at his horribly deformed knees. The man then explains that as a kid he had Kneesils.

Kneesils? Don't you mean Measils aks the wife. Nope Kneesils, it only affects the knees.

Finally he took his underware off and she looked down and exclaimed. Don't tell me, as a kid you had smallcocks!

 

[Old Reliable]

Witticisms of Ignorance

It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.


You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?


The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.


When blondes have more fun do they know it?


Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..


One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.


Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten.


The following one is priceless!

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

 

[Old Reliable]

The boys at the Brothel

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.

One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.

She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.

About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."


31