MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
He's a dead man

Wife to Husband: "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Husband to Wife: "Kitchen, bathroom, living room."

The funeral was last Tuesday.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
CLINTON'S BIGGEST BILL

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Chinese Sex

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.

The doctor answers, I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.

The man screams in horror, Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!

The doctor replies, Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.

The guy says to the doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!

Oh, thank God! the man exclaims.

Yes, says the Chinese doctor.Wait two week. Faw off by itself!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Jewish Taxi Driver in New York.

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
 

timbo

Deceased
Good one! I don't think I want to handle any bills she may have hidden.

Coins either. I wonder is she punches her belly button to get change?
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I got ed-ga-ma-cated,hope you do too!

Where did “piss poor” come from ?
We older people need to learn something new every day..
just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery...
.if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin
and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
“Smile”,
it gives your face something to do!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
I did not know this!


Dead penguins - I never knew this

Constantly Learning new things

I never knew this.

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Bass Boat

A good 'ole West Virginia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 50 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from West Virginia a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How the internet started

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE .

PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES .... THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of
Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of
breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called
Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also
developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The
People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no
one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum
dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in
the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or
eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects
what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot
Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's
Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up
this stuff.


I hope you enjoy this as much as I did!!
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Medical Secretaries

Subject: Medical Secretaries ................... These are sentences
exactly
************as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
**a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
**very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
***disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
***depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- *****Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
****forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
*****she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
****therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
*****ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
*****pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
*****directions in early December.
31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
******sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. *However, he took a
*****job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
****was feeling better
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
WHY I'M DEPRESSED

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel:
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you
to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said: "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, This is the
Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hot line.

I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Judge Judy to Prostitute:


"When did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."


The American Public will soon reach the same conclusion
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US, REPRODUCE, VOTE and DRIVE CARS!!

Actual call center conversations!




Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
calling in sick for work

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want some lovin's . That makes everything better and I go to work...... You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Wisdom Of Old Farmers....

A crusty old farmer in from a long work session drops into a tavern he's never visited before.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old farmer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender.

She glides down behind the bar to the old carp.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old guy leans over the bar. "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The old farmer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good then, cause I want a cheeseburger."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Coffee

Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,


"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab
a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:

“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”

Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Needs a light

After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one,
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man
*He began to worry*
"This your husband?" he asked,
"No silly," she replied,
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked,
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear,
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The Golden screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is:

Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass.

Sitting at a stoplight

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday...minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today...bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver...
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
LESSONS IN LIFE

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Tough biker dude

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 

timbo

Deceased
I first laughed at the Golden Screw joke in, I think about 1962.

It was funny then.......and is still funny.

When I heard it, there was no moral to the story. I like it.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Looking Forward To Getting Old.....Now..

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?..."

SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

I know," Harold says, "But it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure that he was O.K..She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Homeless Encounter

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

..The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

.."If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

.."No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

.."Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

.."No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

.."Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

.."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

.."Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

.."What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

.."Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

..The homeless man was astounded.

.."Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

..The man replied,

...."That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into the store and is greeted by the lady behind the counter.

She asks, "Sir, Can I help you find something?"

The man replies, "My wife asked me to get her some tampons"

The lady shows the man the feminine products isle and goes back to her register.

A few minutes later, the man comes up with a bag of cotton balls and some yarn.

Puzzled, the lady says, "Sir, I thought your wife wanted tampons?"

He replies, "Well, yesterday I asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because they were soooooooo much cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11... Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
 

Green Co.

Administrator
_______________
Answer to an age old question

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
 

Green Co.

Administrator
_______________
Here's something to think about:

Andy Griffith's Peaceful Town
Food for Thought

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Just sayin'.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Explaining Things To The Doctor....

When my Doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge
of a deep pond, barely escaped from a fox in
the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up
and down a steep slope, stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand and barely escaped harm by jumping
away from an aggressive snake."
Inspired by my story, the Doctor said, "You must be an
awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
They Rejected My Census Form

They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents??" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants?; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
 
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