MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A little boy in first grade starts a science project. He gets two turtles and feeds them different foods to see how they react. After a week he notices one is not moving. Alarmed, he runs to his dad and asks if they have any viagra in the house. His dad asks what for and the boy says, "It's for my science project - I have a reptile dysfunction!"
 

MaisieD

1984 is not fiction.
Please consider others when decorating your home for Christmas!!

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your yard. can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.

I have to brake hard, toss my vodka out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.

It's just too much stress, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The other night I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery and I ran into three teenage girls. The said they were afraid to walk through or near the place and were wondering if they could walk with me?

I said, "Sure, I used to be afraid to walk through here myself when I was still alive."

They were running so fast I could smell hair burning.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Two newly minted graduates of Texas A&M went to the same place to apply for a job. The first Aggie goes in for his interview, and comes out in five minutes with a huge grin on his face. He tells the other Aggie that "They want folks like us, you are good!"

The second Aggie goes in for his interview. He is asked what he does, and replies that he was a "Timber Management Specialist", He further explained that his specialty was to cut down trees. The guy who was interviewing him got a puzzled expression on his face and said "We don't need people to cut down trees, we are an investment company."

The Aggie comments that he'd just hired his buddy.

The interviewer said "But he said he was a Pilot."

The other Aggie replies "How's he going to Pile it if you ain't got anybody to cut 'em down?"

And that's the name of that tune........
 

accountant

Contributing Member
Characteristics of Liberals

After watching and listening to Liberals for decades on television, it is very easy to become afflicted by LFS (Liberal Fatigue Syndrome). Fortunately, Liberals and Democrats are pathologically narcissistic, selfish to the point of insanity, and cannot think for themselves because they are like sheep and therefore have very definitive characteristics than can be of great value to you when you teach your children to avoid them like the plague. Here’s a “short” list:
Democrats always get campaign contributions from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretense that they are protecting each from the other.
You can always count on a Democrat to lay down your life for his country.
Liberals always get offended when others talk while they are interrupting.
Liberals always approach every subject with an open mouth.
Democrats are misologists by nature – people who have a distrust of or hatred for reason or reasoning.
Liberals never open their mouths unless they have nothing to say.
Liberals not only want to have the last word, but the last 5,000.
Liberals are always long of wind and short of conclusion.
Democrats have nothing of consequence between the ears.
Liberals like you to come right out and say what you think, when you agree with them.
It’s easy to spot a Democrat, when there is nothing more to be said, he is still saying it.
Liberals have a chronic speech impediment – palpitation of the tongue.
Democrats are very cultured – they can bore you on any subject.
Liberals always have a diarrhea of words and a constipation of ideas.
Democrats know very little but they know it fluently.
Liberals can hardly wait to hear what they are going to say.
It’s easier to nail Jell-O to a wall than it is to get an honest answer from a Democrat.
Liberals will never look you in the eye and give you an honest answer.
What most Democrats need is a yappendectomy.
The best way for Liberals to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
Democrats only listen to a conversation when they are talking.
Liberals would be better off if their minds worked as fast as their mouths.
When Liberals and Democrats gather together, they become an island of insanity in a sea of madness.
Democrats talk about principles but act on interest.
Democrats are long on promises and short on memory.
Liberals are more than willing to put your money where their mouth is.
Democrats have the gift of grab.
Liberals can say absolutely nothing and mean every bit of it.
Democrats always stand for everything they think you will fall for.
The Liberal media actively helps Democrats to fool most of the people most of the time.
If a Democratic lawyer murdered his parents, he’d ask for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan.
Democrats advance themselves in society by pulling themselves up by their bootlicks.
Most Liberals graduate from college magna *** loudest.
When given a free hand, Democrats will always stick it in your pocket.
Al Gore is such a phony, he’s got cavities in his false teeth.
Democrats always give publicly and steal privately.
Liberals are always ready to help you get what’s coming to them.
When it comes to Democrats, the less you have to do with them, the less you’ll be worse off.
Liberals have the kind of intuition that enables them to put two and two together and come up with an answer that suits them.
Democrats can always be counted on to force upon you and your family a solution from their own deranged minds that requires you to sacrifice something to them for a problem that doesn’t exist.
When Democrats want your opinion, they will give it to you.
Liberals don’t hold an opinion, it holds them.
The less Liberals know, the more stubbornly they know it.
Democrats are genius at arguing about things they don’t understand.
Democrats always follow the path of least persistence.
Democrats are always itching for money, but never scratching for it.
Liberals have a problem for every solution.
I like Liberals better the more I see them less.
Democrats are rude and aggressive in conversations so what they say must be taken with a grain of assault.
Democrats will do anything for a worker except become one.
Liberals always study both sides of an issue so that they can get around them.
Democrats shake your hand before an election and your confidence afterwards.
Democrats are always trying to save both their faces.
Democrats love to stand on their records – to keep the voters from taking a good look at them.
Most Democrats divide their time between running for office and running for cover.
Democrats always find out which way the crowd is going and then they jump in front and wave their own banners.
A Liberal will always listen to his psychiatrist and then draw his own confusions.
A Democrat will knife you in the back and then have you arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.
Democrats think they know it all but keep proving that they do not.
Liberals always have the answers for questions you aren’t asking.
Liberals are always mistaking the right of free speech for free screetch.
A Democrat is proof that an empty head and a stuffed shirt can go together.
Liberals appeal to the emotions by beating the eardrums.
Listening to Democrat speeches, you can’t help wondering who writes their immaterial.
Democrats are very class conscious – they have no class and everyone is conscious of it.
Liberals are always trying to get something for nothing and then they complain about the quality of the service.
In ancient biblical days, it was considered a miracle when an ass spoke. Listening to Democrats, you can’t help but realize how some things haven’t changed.
Democrats are always a cast of characters in search of a plot.
Liberals always know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Democrats are always for diversity of opinion…so long as it is their own.
Democrats always support unions who labor mightily to produce nothing, indeed to prevent others from producing anything.
“Consensus” to a Democrat means that everyone agrees collectively what no one believes individually.
Democrats are a shadow without hope.

Liberals always believe that ignoring reality is the only way to be happy.

I believe you've met Canada's current Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

A.
 

RememberGoliad

Senior Member
Two college boys went to a New Year's party. Got thoroughly smashed, next day they wanted to return to thank the host for a great party. They were discussing how to find the house again, and one said, "I remember the street but not the house. It was dark when we got there. I do remember they had a gold toilet though."

Other one replied, "Well, then, it's simple: We go to that street and knock doors and ask if they have a gold commode. I know that street is only a couple blocks long so we should find it pretty quick."

That afternoon, they proceed to do just that, each taking one side of the street, knocking doors and asking if the people have a gold toilet. About three-quarters of the way down the street, with no results thus far, one knocks on the door, asks the lady who answers if they have a gold toilet. She gets a strange look on her face, turns and hollers, "ARNOLD! You ain't gonna believe this, but I think we just found the guy who crapped in your tuba!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be ****ing Coco Pops."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 
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