A classic that never ceases to bring tears.
The Electric Fence and the Lawn Mower
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one,
you should read this.
The Lawn
We have the standard 6-ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had; made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big
wheel push mower… The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-s#@t lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire.. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences
… but Dad always had those piece-of-s#@t chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God
please die … Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam
EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day … he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long..
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me
to triple check before I mow.
