HEALTH Abuse Victims Suffer Long After Hitting Stops

fruit loop

Inactive
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/11/domestic.violence.personality/index.html

Abuse victims report long-term poor health, depression

NIH: Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44
Study: Abused women more likely to have depression, anxiety, joint pain
Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for a victim

By Elizabeth Landau
CNN

(CNN) -- Just days after giving birth to her second child, Dr. Jane Dimer drove herself home from the hospital to find her then-husband in bed with another woman. He threw Dimer down the stairs, and she never saw him again until court.

Rihanna was allegedly attacked by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, before the Grammys on February 8.

Dimer, now an obstetrician-gynecologist at Group Health Cooperative in Seattle, Washington, had been in an abusive relationship with her husband in Germany for 4½ years until he pushed her out 11 years ago.

"Emotionally, the remnants of that stay for a long time," she said.

Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44, according to the National Institutes of Health. With the entertainment world buzzing about pop sensation Rihanna, whose boyfriend Chris Brown has been formally charged with assaulting her, public interest in domestic violence has been reinvigorated.

Abuse can influence a victim's future behavior in relationships and even in friendships, depending on whether the victim stays or leaves, said Mark Crawford, a clinical psychologist based in Roswell, Georgia. Those who stay are likely to stop trusting their own perceptions and become passive in both romantic and nonromantic relationships.

Victims who do leave -- which is the healthier choice, Crawford said -- often become over-accommodating because they want to avoid conflict, even verbal disputes, at all costs. Some women won't trust people easily, if at all, and won't be able to handle even normal expressions of anger. Visit CNNHealth.com, your connection to better living

"What they need to do when they get out of the relationship is make sure they're aware of their own anger, and then they can learn how to freely express it in a healthy, normal way," he said. "If somebody's still having issues 10 years later, they just haven't worked through it. They haven't healed; they need to do that."

New research shows that abuse victims feel the impact of violence long after it occurred. A recent study in the Journal of Women's Health found that older African-American women who were exposed to high levels of family violence at some point in their lifetimes -- whether by a partner or family member -- are at a greater risk of poor mental and physical health status.

"Not just ongoing violence, which everybody thinks about, but even when it's over, there's something about what happens that seems to have a lingering effect that we don't quite understand yet," said Dr. Anuradha Paranjape, co-author of the study and associate professor at Temple University School of Medicine.

It makes sense that abused women would report worse health, given that people in stressful situations have higher levels of stress hormones, which interfere with immune function, Crawford said.

Other studies show a clear connection between depression and abuse. Adult women who have been abused in a relationship in the past year have rates of depression 2½ times greater than women who have never been abused, according to a different study of more than 3,000 women. They are also more likely to be socially isolated, said author Amy Bonomi, associate professor at The Ohio State University.

Women who have been abused in the past five years had depression rates 1½ times greater than those without abuse experience, said Bonomi, who has collaborated with Dimer on research on abused women.

"People like to sort of think that, 'Well, abuse is just when you have a black eye, you sustain a broken bone,' " Bonomi said. "But we see lots of different effects in other areas, like depression and social isolation, and we've actually proven that with the data."

Based on medical records of women who have been abused in the past year, Bonomi's team found that, in addition to depression and anxiety, these women were more likely to have back pain, joint disease, bruising, urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, chest pain and headaches.

Women who have suffered violence also seem to have a greater likelihood of substance abuse, but it's unclear how the two are related -- one doesn't necessarily cause the other, and there could be other factors involved, Bonomi said.

A 2008 study of 3,333 women, which Bonomi worked on, found that middle-aged women who suffered child abuse, sexual or other physical abuse, had a greater likelihood of depression, as well as a higher body mass index. These women also spend up to one-third more than average on health care costs. About 34 percent of women in the sample said they had been abused.

While Paranjape's study found that women with the highest levels of abuse reported having poor health, the same number of diseases were reported among those women as the women in the sample who had less or no abuse. This indicates that there is something else that makes abused women report feeling unwell, she said.

"When your patient says they don't feel so good, you might want to think about asking what other issues may be going on," she said.

People who have gotten out of a relationship should go through the work of learning what issues set them up in that situation, and reflect on the warning signs, Crawford said.

Experts recommend finding a counselor and other means of support, but people who have been abused should think twice about revealing too much in online support groups, because their abusers could discover what they're saying, Dimer said. Research has also shown that violence escalates in abusive relationships among couples who go to marriage counseling, she said.

Some women do feel stronger having been through the experience of abuse, Dimer said. She herself found healing through advocacy and research on the subject, she said.

Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for anyone who is experiencing abuse, Dimer said.

"Whether you're a pop star or somebody that's working front lines -- an employee at a grocery store selling the pop star magazine -- you're at equal risk for having this," she said.
 
Look, I have to speak up.

I have never had any boyfriend or husband hit me, punch me or abuse me in any way and if I had, I would not stay around for anything longer than to see his a$$ go to sleep that night at which time he would get back to him what he did to me - in abundance.

That being said, I no longer have any respect for Rhianna or Chris Brown. Anyone that goes back to someone that has harmed you in any way is an imbicial, an utter idiot, or they have no respect for themseves.

I may not have a right to talk, what with no experience, but I do see lots of women get into the same type of relationship with the same type of men that do harm women. They say to look at the man's upbringing.

My first husband: His own mother was hit, kicked and shot by his dad and she (his mother) went back to him (his dad). In our 14 years of relationship and even after he witnessed his dad & mom's scenerio over his youth, he never laid a hand on me to harm me in any way. Not even once, we split because of boredom. His next marriage was different, he chose a woman like mom (what his friends told me). His wife was the type to provoke him into hitting her and boy did he. I saw that one coming, and coming and coming. They stayed at it for 10-15 years and after 2 kids finally split.

It is horrible these things happen, but it really depends on more than just the man or just the woman. It is more like too many bad things lining up to go wrong with a fuse attached.


I just say that some woman provoke guys, do things to set them off and they attract guy that may do so.

So flame on now, heat my bootie all up about this.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
I will use the word Abuser and Victim here, because both sexes can be perps and victims.

Instead of always asking victims why they don't leave....

Why don't we ask abusers why they think it's okay to do what they do?
 
True, but some people should just not ever start a relationship.

An aggressive man and an aggressive woman should not mate.

My current husband's ex-wife claimed DH always hit/beat her and the kids. We have been together for 15 years now and he has never hit or beat me although I find him to be the sweetest, and most adorable man I have ever known.

I have spoken to his ex-wife on the phone and I will say I want to hit and beat her a lot. She is abusive and corrosive. The kids follow her like ducks in action.

But enough about me, I feel for the few woman who don't bring it on and get it anyway, because I know they are out there. Mainly I am speaking of the matches that never should have been: Chris Brown & Rhianna for one. Never should have started up and need to finish it now.
 

Kronos

Veteran Member
I had a fruitless arguement with my office-mate years ago,
a man who was otherwise intelligent and worldly, regarding why the abused do not leave.

There are a multitide of reasons, among them
1. no POWER (they are children, or adults with no support system or funds)
2. they have bought into the NORMALITY of the situation
3. they have bought into the RIGHT of the situation (they being DESERVING of the abuse)
...and etcetera

PLEASE do not blame the VICTIM, where there obviously EXISTS a victim.

None of us can know the TRUE situation.

Dimension: VERRRRY interesting perspective, Thank You!
 

BigBadBossyDog

Membership Revoked
Any woman who stays after the first hit is incredibly insecure and a complete fool. "For the kids" is the absolute worst excuse. Why subject kids to that kind of monster?

I don't buy any excuses.

As far as long term effects, these women were nuts to begin with. Otherwise they would have been long gone. I don't think the long term effects stem any more from the abuse as they do from the insanity that allowed the abuse.

I especially don't understand women who continue to go on and on about abuse they suffered. It's no different than any other form of enabling. If you have allowed it, don't expect me to pity you.

Rhianna, Whitney, all the others. What poor role models they are. Unfortunately, young ladies look up to people like them (right or wrong), and they reinforce the idea that a certain amount of abuse can be forgiven. It can't. Move on. Times have changed since The Burning Bed. Women no longer have to wait for it to get to that point.
 

Kronos

Veteran Member
BBBD:

PERCEPTION is REALITY. Think on that.

If the beaten woman (your example was of women) SEES no 'out',
then she continues in her concentration-camp-'style' of a "life".

Something to do with NO OPTIONS. Kill, Be killed, or Endure.

You think such persons ENJOY or PREFER such cyrap? For Serious?

OK, so they are just DUMB, STUPID, and so, by implication, DESERVING?

I HEARTILY AGREE with you regarding the "For The Children" part.

That likely has SERIOUSLY DAMAGED
an entire generation's worth of proto-adults :'(

As for Pop Culture and Role Models? Pfeh! (an other point of AGREEMENT, there)
 

Conrad Nimikos

Who is Henry Bowman
After i was divorced I dated a lot.One woman I went on a "date" with was like no one I have ever met. She wasn't ready when I arrived to pick her up and when she was ready she sat opposite me in her living room and proceeded to tell me about her dating history. After about two minutes I wanted to slap her silly and I left never to see her again. I completely understood why anyone would want to hit her. She could drive a normal person crazy in a short time.

I don't hit women and I taught my son not to. I have taught my daughters now to allow themselves to be hit. Force is only a proper reply to force.
 
After i was divorced I dated a lot.One woman I went on a "date" with was like no one I have ever met. She wasn't ready when I arrived to pick her up and when she was ready she sat opposite me in her living room and proceeded to tell me about her dating history. After about two minutes I wanted to slap her silly and I left never to see her again. I completely understood why anyone would want to hit her. She could drive a normal person crazy in a short time.

I don't hit women and I taught my son not to. I have taught my daughters now to allow themselves to be hit. Force is only a proper reply to force.

I agree. DH's dad taught him never to hit a woman. I really doubt he hit his ex-wife, but she claims he did - I don't see it at all! Again, I would love to slug her myself, but I never would.

Woman must treat their husbands with kindness and not be corrosive and accusing. Treat one with respect and get it in return is my motto.

If you find your husband has had an affair, then leave or talk about it and forgive. Those are the only two choices. Do not try to yell at him and get in his face. That causes nothing but trouble, and some men (not all) will give you that trouble.

Some people live for that rift between them, because it brings excitement. It's craziness.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
Most abusers don't start out with violence. It begins slowly, subtly, and escalates. The really good ones can take years to work up to physical violence.

Usually it starts by overtaking your control, and robbing you of your identity. Subtle remarks about the way the victim dresses, wears their hair, hobbies they're involved in, their friends.

Jealousy is often a first sign......of the time the victim spends with family members and other friends, or with hobbies. Abusers often use isolation to keep the victim centered on them.

Not all abuse is physical. The mental and emotional can be as bad, or worse. The victim may question their own intelligence and even their sanity....Is s/he really doing this to me, or am I paranoid? This is reinforced by the abuser.

Furthermore, many abusers are VERY good actors. Often only the victim is aware of the nature of the beast.

"I can't call the police. S/he IS the police." - this is not uncommon at all. Abuse by law enforcement officers to their families is some of the most dangerous, because they know how to work the system - which also may protect the abuser because s/he is one of them.

Many abusers take control of the car and the money in order to keep their victims from leaving.

Some abusers even try to get their victims into legal trouble so that they are afraid to leave the house. They may also self-injure before the police arrive, so that it's impossible to tell who instigated the altercation....or even convince them that it's the victim who is the perpetrator. (A local man succeeded in getting his wife, who had no physical injuries, arrested. He was covered with bleeding bite wounds. Charges were dropped only after forensics proved that the bite marks were his own.)
 

fruit loop

Inactive
DD, that is saying that a woman "made" her husband hit her.

Bullshit.

Nobody EVER "makes" someone injure someone else. The perpetrator is responsible for choosing to react. There is only one reason for violence, and that is DEFENSE against a physical assault.

Married couples are ADULTS, and should practice self-control. If the other person is trying to provoke you, do what you say victims of abuse should do: LEAVE.
 
My DH was a policeman years back and his one dreaded call with the Domestic Violence call.

More cops die on those call than any, because they are the worst of the worst types to respond to and very dangerous. There is little they can do for the victim and even yet, it happens again and again, over and over with the same people. You never know if the person that called the police will be the one to shoot the police when they respond. The wives have shot the police even though they call them. There is hardly any winners.

Therefore, some woman may not want to be hit, but their actions demand it, or at least cry out for it in restrospect.

I am saying some woman, not all. And it is not Bullshit. Each case is looked at singularly. Stop looking at it as a blanket issue.

And FL, did you date Conrad N a few years back?
 

Kronos

Veteran Member
DD: psychosis!

War zone mentalities.

Such persons are experiencing alternate realities, I am NOT jesting :'(

PTSD in abundance.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
their actions demand it, or at least cry out for it in restrospect

BULLSHIT.

The abuser does not have a right to "punish" their victim for their actions. They have the right to walk away. Nobody is "provoked" unless they choose to be.

That was the defense for so many years...."the victim 'deserved' it" or "pushed my buttons, and made me do it"... and even that a spouse had the right to 'discipline' the other spouse.

DD, I bet you endorse Christian Domestic Discipline too, don't you?


P.S. No, I've never dated Conrad. I only go out with men.
 
their actions demand it, or at least cry out for it in restrospect

BULLSHIT.

The abuser does not have a right to "punish" their victim for their actions. They have the right to walk away. Nobody is "provoked" unless they choose to be.

That was the defense for so many years...."the victim 'deserved' it" or "pushed my buttons, and made me do it"... and even that a spouse had the right to 'discipline' the other spouse.

DD, I bet you endorse Christian Domestic Discipline too, don't you?


P.S. No, I've never dated Conrad. I only go out with men.


Hot headed woman (like yourself) that spout off to hot headed men are going to get hit. I never said anyone had the right, I just claim what I see is happening as it is. The word punishment is yours alone, I never said it. Getting hit is the reaction that WILL happen 99.9% of the time. I don't condone it, but it does happen without my say so anyway and it's not my fault. What is, is.

My past relations with men and their past relations with exes are my proof to me. I am not one to push the envelope or stir the shit when it comes to my relationships with men.

I don't know what Christian Domestic Discipline is, never heard of it. I don't go to any church, worship at home myself.
 

Flippper

Time Traveler
Fruity's right about the slow escalation of abuse most hardcore abusers use to entrap their victims. They go to great lengths to isolate their victim from friends, family and outside world situations so they have no where to turn or hide. They begin with name calling or rude behavior followed up by effusive appologies swearing they're sorry and will never do it again, and if the victim remains and believes them, they ramp it up a notch, and continue doing so.

Jealousy is a big red flag to watch out for, insecurity and low self esteem are at the base of the abuser's self identity and the future victim feels secure because someone 'likes' them enough to fear losing them to another. They misinterpret the signs.

Many intelligent women (and men) have been ensnared in this manner, and it's easier for the perp if the victim has low self esteem or is insecure and they have a knack for picking this sort of person out from a crowd. Once the victim is deemed helpless or reliant on the perp, the hardcore abuse begins, both emotional and physical.

Every single thing they do is picked apart and criticized. They've been conditioned to believe that they deserve what they get, that no other man would find them attractive, and that the perp loves them so must teach them a lesson. This creates a strong emotional dependency based on fear of loss, the twisting emotional abuse tricks them into beliving hatred is love. The perps don't love them, they despise and detest them, regardless of what they say. The beatings are done in a terrible rage, displaying the perps self hatred and disgust; the debasement of the victim is done to make themselves feel superior and to buck up the low self esteem the perps have for themselves, which of course will not work. When debasing the victim doesn't make them feel better, they visit their rage of impotency upon the hapless victim. The perp will continue this cycle of abusing the victim because the expenditure of energy gives them release. In order to maintain this release, they must convince the victim they are loved and needed, so they begin the honeymoon phase quickly after the abuse to woo the victim back.

As with all abusers, they are self absorbed, cowardly, insecure and selfish, they know how to hook someone with kind words and actions to catch them, they know how they 'should' behave to corner their quarry. This is done with exacting intent, which makes them doubly guilty, IMO.

As always, it's not what they say it's what they do, actions always speak the truth. If you can convince a battered woman of this, she is more likely to take the chance and leave. Once she realizes it won't stop, but only continue to get worse, and that it's not about love, she will leave.
 
Flippper, I am sure there are those out there that are like that. I just have never had any of those around in my life or, known them.

And thank God for that.

I can only know what I see and I really feel for those woman and few men that experience such.

I hope they work their way out of it, it's all up to them to be strong and do it.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
Oh, so we hotheaded women should be quiet and not talk back, eh?

Hotheaded men who fly off the handle and decide to hit because they're hotheaded MEN get a pass. After all, bad words deserve to be punished with physical violence.

By the way, the victims don't "provoke." The abuser is already angry when they confront their victim, and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING the victim says or does will make a difference.

Boy, you are full of shit. I hope to God you aren't married.

Do a websearch for Christian Domestic Discipline. It's exactly what you endorse....women who talk back to their husbands, disobey them, displease them, whatever......deserve to be spanked. Hard - because it's not effective if she is not spanked until she cries.
 
Oh, so we hotheaded women should be quiet and not talk back, eh?

Hotheaded men who fly off the handle and decide to hit because they're hotheaded MEN get a pass. After all, bad words deserve to be punished with physical violence.

Boy, you are full of shit. I hope to God you aren't married.

Do a websearch for Christian Domestic Discipline. It's exactly what you endorse....women who talk back to their husbands, disobey them, displease them, whatever......deserve to be spanked. Hard - because it's not effective if she is not spanked until she cries.

If you know how to read, you will see that I am married. I talked about it all over this thread. My DH and I have been together 15 years and he'd marry me again any day, said it last night. I treat him with respect and don't yell in his face or demand he do things just the way I want him to. I let him be himself and he loves me for it. We respect each other. By the way, I see you are trying to bait me to say something about you and marriage.

By the way....

I wonder how many men here would like to reach out and punch you now?

If you got in my face like you act like you'd try, I would want to bitch slap you down a notch, but I wouldn't because violence solves nothing.

And, I don't want to websearch CDD whatever, I have no interest at all in your desires about it.

Hot heads need to stay away from other Hot heads, that is, if they are sane, so we will let you do as you please.

:lkick:


And, I would love to be spanked, but I can't get DH to do it. Therefore that's my problem.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
Anyone who wants to punch me is welcome to haul their hiney right on over and try. PM me, and I'll even give you my home address.
 

summerthyme

Administrator
_______________
DD.. I hear what you're saying, and while I mostly agree, I don't agree that basically (which is what I hear you implying) "some people are such azzes they *deserve* to get hit". Sorry... they may "deserve" to have their partner walk out, or "deserve" forced counseling, or even "the silent treatment" at home... but physical or verbal abuse is NEVER justified.

That said... I am a strong willed, verbal woman and I married a man who has a VERY violent temper. It's very rare that he lets it go (something I think contributes to the sheer power when he does... he'd be better off not "burying" his anger over smaller things... but I digress), but when he does... well, I've seen him throw a pipe wrench THROUGH a 1" hardwood board.

When we got engaged, I told him that I only had one line which he'd only cross once. I could forgive a lot if it happened, in terms of broken vows, etc (not that I expected that to happen- he's an honorable, Christian gentleman... and he's lived up to that for over 33 years), but I WOULD NOT forgive physical violence against me. Ever.

I told him if it happened, I'd walk out... and the next time he heard from me would be through a lawyer. (And I do NOT believe in divorce, either).

He must have believed me... we've had some interesting times, as we grew through all the usual stresses a marriage of strong willed people can go through. But neither of us would ever lay a hand on the other in anger.

My point is, though... it IS under the abuser's control. Period. No matter HOW furious they are, they CAN choose how they will express that rage. The ones who don't usually blame the victim "she pushed me too far"... but that's just an excuse.

It is true, though, that many abusers are charming, gentle, and only mildly possessive in the beginning. They are VERY good at what they do, which is essentially "hunting"... gaining the trust of their victim, slowly isolating them from all the people who are their "support" system, often encouraging them to quit their job so they are financially dependent as well...

And then, they start tearing them down psychologically- often, the same abuser who encouraged the victim to quit their job, sometimes telling them "they don't appreciate you there" and "you're being taken advantage of"... now blames them for being "a sponge" or "lazy".

Usually, by the time the physical violence actually starts, the victim is already halfway to believing they are useless, worthless, etc.

I can't say I understand why some people (mostly women) seem to go back to abusive types over and over... but I suspect it has a lot to do with self esteem (or the lack of it) plus the usual "we go back to what is familiar"... even when that "familiar" is very nasty.

Summerthyme
 
ST, you do see that I never said they "SHOULD" get hit, but it's what happens in 99.9% of the cases - and it's an obvious observation.


I am just observing what happens and not saying that it ever should happen.

I hope you all see that.


Kind of like, if you tease a pit-bull. Same thing. Don't do it or else.

Same thing, like comedy and whipped cream pies. You just know what is going to happen.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
You don't know what it's like unless you've lived with domestic violence. (And understand that domestic violence is not just spousal abuse....it includes child abuse, attacks on pets, other family members....)

An abuser DOES have a dreadful temper. That, however, is not the problem.

The abuser thrives on CONTROL. They like to be angry, because it's a way to show off that control.

By the time the abuser is angry, it doesn't matter WHAT the victim says or does. It's not unusual for the victim to have done nothing at all.....abusers are paranoid and believe that everyone is out to get them. It's not unusual for their target to have done nothing at all.

The victim is also blamed for things for which they have no control....the abuser can come home angry over a traffic ticket, which is then transferred onto the victim when they "don't show enough sympathy, and act like it doesn't even matter" or "if you had looked at the car, you'd have seen that the taillight was out."

Abusers imagine slights right and left. You served a particular dish on purpose, because you know they don't like it, wore that style of dress because you know how it riles them up......ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME ANGRY??? is a mantra for them.

Ask a victim. Often the abuser comes home, angry about something that happened at work. They see dishes in the sink, and YOU KNOW how they hate that. By the time the victim arrives home from work, the abuser is lying in wait, having had hours in which to work themselves into a frenzy.

Victims are easy punching bags for everything else that goes on in an abuser's life.....getting fired from a job, even things that they themselves do. No matter what it is, they'll find a way to blame it on their victim so that they can get angry, punish that person, and blow off steam. An abuser needs someone, anyone, but themselves to blame for everything that's wrong in the world.

There is no way to persuade an angry abuser that it wasn't your fault.

There is no way to defuse an abuser once they are determined on anger and reprisal. Nothing that the victim says, or does, will be the "right" thing.

Nobody "asks for it."

Ever.
 
Which I have made clear in my first post. I have never experienced any abuse whatsover.

I am going on my first hand experience of others I know. Therefore, I do agree that I DO NOT KNOW EVERTHING like you do FL, and do not pretend to pull that wool over everyone here that I do.

I must say, that as far as potential for being abused or being an abuser, yours is high FL. I am sorry to say that, just an observation.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
I left the adopters' house at fourteen because of domestic violence. I still have visible scars from the last beating.

Too bad you weren't there for that one. I'm certain you would have enjoyed watching it. The guy would have shared a beer with you afterwards.
 
I don't know if I should take that bait or not? What do you think?

Anyway, I will just say whatever happened to you by those adopters, if what you say is true, which I do not know if it is or not - lets say it is. I am sorry.

But, I've known little girls to get even with parents by tearing up their artwork because they didn't get the paint set they expected to get at Christmas. Then they get spankings, which the kids call abuse. I call them spankings, which I am all for.

But lets say yours was not as the paragraph above, and I should trust you to tell the truth, and say, you did, again, I am sorry. It (such accused abuse) is hopefully not what I perceive as the thing that makes you hate men so much.

If you told most men "I only date men" to their face, some of them may punch you out. I am going by your response about dating Conrad, see above.

About your future, all I can say is good luck with that.
 

VesperSparrow

Goin' where the lonely go
Is the Christian form of discipline anything like the MUSZZY form???

Neither 'form' is ok.

But as a girl who 'wrote the book' on this crap I can tell you all without a doubt in my mine, had the courts refused to let my ex out of jail after a few hours, I would never have 'went back'....
Eight years of a yoyo insane relationship...and it wasn't just being knocked around either but I will spare you from the rest of that story of 'abuse'...alot of its here on this board.

Did I love him? At first absolutely.
But over time he got my rage and hatred so muc so that I could see the blackness of hate coming from my soul everytime I looked in the mirror.

That is something NO PERSON has EVER done before to me. Get my TOTAL hatred.
Not even here around complete strangers.

I hated him so much that I hated myself.

I always said that one day (during those 8 years of hell) that God would provide the right time for me to get.
I think it was 5 times in women's shelter...

But the LAST time was THE last time and its going on 10 years away from that demon now.Do I forgive him?
You bet.

Because NOBODY is worth my soul going to hell over.

I learned over the years to stick up for myself more.
I learned you can't please EVERYBODY.
I learned that even though you MAY think you did something wrong, you probably didn't, its just that the ass on the other end of the conversation believes they are always right.

I didn't 'talk back', 'sass', provoke or screw around on that bastard.
Not ONCE.
What I did was what I was taught...to talk things out.
But he wasn't INTO talking. He viewed EVERYTHING, every disagreement we had as a confrontation.

But looking back over the years, with the way I was raised, I also figured out that he just could not understand the light. He could not comprehend the goodness that dwelled within me.

In a strange sort of way, I think he did all the things he did just to test my spirit or something. To try and make ME dark like him.
I think he was JEALOUS because he did not have what I had in my soul.

The "Do unto' others like you want done to you" mentality.

Got another one testing me now.

But a person tends to grow up and grow wise.

Fool me no more.

But do NOT test me either.

I KNOW now when and how to 'distibute' my love for a person.

And I'm still learning.
The shit don't end just because you left. It follows you wherever you go. In your dreams and nightmares, in your social life, in your every moment, somehow this shit stays with you.

You just got to know how and when and where to funnel it...
 
I am sorry VesperSparrow. It sounds like you were living hell on earth. I guess God gives us predicaments to see how strong we are.

Again, I am sorry. Never let it happen again!

One of my favorite shows is "Too Wong Foo - Thanks for Everything - Julie Newmar". Although it is about transvestites, it also deals with spousal abuse. In a fabulous way too, everyone should see it and live by it.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
The shit don't end just because you left. It follows you wherever you go. In your dreams and nightmares, in your social life, in your every moment, somehow this shit stays with you.

It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For me, it can be as simple as a character saying something on a tv show, and I'm right back there.
 

Conrad Nimikos

Who is Henry Bowman
There are a few abusers who are cunning enough to research what abuse is and why it happens. Their research allows them to know exactly how to push other peoples buttons. Many of these abusers were abused themselves and use that fact to to obtain sympathy. Women are usually this of abuser because of their lack of physical strength; that is why their abuse is usually vocal. If the abuse they suffered was from both sexes these people will abuse females as well as males.:boohoo:

FL, do you still intend to be with the authorities who come for my weapons after you turn my name in? You did say you would lead them.:shr:
 

Rasputin

Inactive
True Story:

I had a woman come in a few years ago who wanted a divorce from her husband. I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She said he's too nice. I said what do you mean. She says, he's pussy whipped. I like a man that will slap me around a little bit and show me who's boss.
 

FREEBIRD

Has No Life - Lives on TB
"The shit don't end just because you left. It follows you wherever you go. In your dreams and nightmares, in your social life, in your every moment, somehow this shit stays with you.

You just got to know how and when and where to funnel it..."

That's the absolute Truth.

One other point not mentioned here, if someone grows up in an abusive home and then goes into an adult relationship, they may tolerate abuse because they've never known anything else and because their sense of self worth and self-preservation may have already been destroyed. This doesn't make them stupid, it means they haven't been left with much to work with.
 
True Story:

I had a woman come in a few years ago who wanted a divorce from her husband. I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She said he's too nice. I said what do you mean. She says, he's pussy whipped. I like a man that will slap me around a little bit and show me who's boss.

Honestly, we have a woman in my office area that says she can't be with men that can't control her, men that she can push around are sissys. And believe me, she is very pushy and always has to have her way or no way. We hear all the details of all her dates and all details about the different men, what she thinks of them and how she has decided they would or would not meet her every need. I really thinks she enjoys talking to everyone about her dating details more so than she enjoys the actual dating. I mean, why would any demanding female want a type of man that could control her behavior. That is so opposite of what would work for them.

I am glad I'm not a man having to date a woman like that. These women hi-jack their own potential relationships.
 

fruit loop

Inactive
The difference there is that women like that WANT to be dominated. It's consensual.

Abuse is NOT consensual, and the victims do NOT want it.

Chicks like that need to go to a bondage group.
 

MtnGal

Has No Life - Lives on TB
"The shit don't end just because you left. It follows you wherever you go. In your dreams and nightmares, in your social life, in your every moment, somehow this shit stays with you.

You just got to know how and when and where to funnel it..."

That's the absolute Truth.

One other point not mentioned here, if someone grows up in an abusive home and then goes into an adult relationship, they may tolerate abuse because they've never known anything else and because their sense of self worth and self-preservation may have already been destroyed. This doesn't make them stupid, it means they haven't been left with much to work with.

Mental and emotional abuse is just a destructive as physical abuse, especially when it is an everyday event growing up. It never leaves you no matter how you try to funnel it. It does destroy self worth and self preservation.
 

pkchicken

resident chicken
DD if she ever finds a man who really DOES control her....look out. It will take some kind of mind control and when it does...she'll change her tune.

I feel like I have to say something here . I read this thread ...all the while remembering my childhood abuse.

Looks like adult relationship abuse was what was mostly adressed but I think that the principles still apply, even with childhood abuse.

The abused is scarred for life and compromised in relationships and councelling is a good idea.

Fruit loop has a good handle on it. VesperSparrow too.

Folks just don't understand the intensity of manipulation if they are fundamentally strong to begin with. It's the primarilly weakened spirits of us who fall victim. (some weakened by abusive childhood, ...then there is more I just don't have experience with)

Unless you have been there...like anything else....it's hard to understand.

pk
 
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