MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My wife found me standing on the bathroom scales with my stomach sucked in. "That is not going to help", she laughed.

I said, "Sure it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers".
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
The way to find him

A couple went holiday shopping and the Mall was packed. While walking around through one of the stores the wife looked around and didn't see her husband. Knowing they had a lot to do she called his phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice, he said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into a couple years ago? You fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn't afford and I told you I'd get it for you someday"?

Touched, his wife smiled and said, "Yes, I do remember".

"Well, I'm in the bar next door".
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Did You Know..

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the Chip Monks.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Fire truck

Saw this a couple of days ago and thought I would share. One day a fireman was out in front of the fire station cleaning the fire engine when he noticed a little girl with a red wagon approaching. The wagon had a small ladder on each side hanging below the wagon and a garden hose neatly coiled in the middle of it. Thinking this to be cute he walked over to the little girl and said "My, my, that is a very nice fire truck you have. "Thank you" said the little girl. The fireman then notice that she had the wagon tied to the collar of her dog and the testicles of her cat. "You know I bet your fire truck would go a lot faster if you moved that one rope to the cats collar" he said. Thinking for a second, the little girl replied.

" You're probable right, but then I wouldn't have a siren"
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
My wife found me standing on the bathroom scales with my stomach sucked in. "That is not going to help", she laughed.
I said, "Sure it is, it's the only way I can see the numbers".
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender comes over and says....

" I'm sorry. We don't serve food here. "
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch -- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again
 
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