MAKE ME LAUGH!

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I move down just three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking. “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly… and I will grab him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

“Gosh,” he thought , “if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… the bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of the lake, but I can tell you there’s more… A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene – as it was fashionable to roam the banks of this particular lake around lunch time- and thought “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with that cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of water.

The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pu**y is in serious danger.
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Control Issues

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men were dumbfounded. “Whoa! What happened next?”, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, “Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Hey Guys, Does this sound like anyone you know??

I Am A Seenager (Senior Teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driving licence and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and off-licences. I like the off-licences best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. They aren’t scared of anything. They have been blessed to live this long, so why be scared?

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good!

Also you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full. Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem. It is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!

I have more friends I should pass this to, but right now I can’t remember their names. So, please, forward this to your friends. They may be my friends, too!
 
  • LOL
Reactions: ted

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A state trooper in Kansas made a traffic stop of an elderly lady for speeding on U.S. 166 just East of Sedan, KS. He asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to him.

In with the cards, he was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language, or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

He then asked her “Ma’am, you sure carry a lot of guns. What are you so afraid of?”

She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a dam thing!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”

The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”

“I know!” says the old man, “I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Mean Old Man

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t stop and ask for directions!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.

“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
 

Old Reliable

Veteran Member
If College Students Wrote the Bible


Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
The reason why Cain killed Abel was because Abel was just a terrible roommate. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced and written in a large font.
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
 

RememberGoliad

Veteran Member
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy,
"'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"........

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man Arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him, "'This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;
how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she says. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's To hang your pants on."
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
 

Caplock50

I am the Winter Warrior
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy,
"'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"........

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man Arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him, "'This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;
how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she says. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's To hang your pants on."
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

LOVE IT!! Great one. Going to have to remember it, so I can pass it on. Thanks.
 

Caplock50

I am the Winter Warrior
Got any suggestions for a meme? I'll be glad to give it a try if you have any. And the best part is that if I make it then you don't have to worry about 'copyright infringement' if/when you re-post it around the net.
 
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