MaxTheKnife
Membership Revoked
I scanned through that thread about what's allowed on the front page and decided, after scanning the sigs, that this was the best place for this bit of humor. Sometimes, it's just possible that other folks can get a much needed belly laugh out of some 'homegrown' and fairly colorful family history stories like the ones I woke up thinking about this morning. I hope it makes at least a few people smile anyway.
When I was a young lad my family would visit my grandparents on my Dad's side pretty regular. We called my Granddad 'Paw Paw' and my Grandma 'Mamaw". Anyway, Paw Paw owned a parts store and auto-mechanic's garage at County Line, Oklahoma for many years. Paw Paw was a very unique individual and trouble seemed to follow him everywhere he went. For instance, he had a big sign hung up over the counter of his parts store that read "IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS MUST PAY CASH". He got in more than one fist fight over that sign, because at the time, store credit was very popular. And truth be told, Paw Paw allowed the 'white folks' to have a little credit from time to time, but he wouldn't extend credit to the 'colored folks'. That was just his way, and you have to realize that this was back in the early to mid-sixties.
Now Dad's a pretty bright fellow and was always trying to show Paw Paw new ways of doing things. But to give you an example of how Paw Paw thought, he truly believed that the ignition system in the vehicles back then was a modern day miracle, and he had absolutely no idea how it worked. He just knew how to change points and plugs and condensors. And he had this condensor tester/charger that Dad bought him so he'd save money by re-using old condensors that tested good. He didn't know how that worked either, but it sure wound up making him lots of money over the years. Well, anyway, he figured out that he could charge up a condensor and set it on the counter by the cash register and have a little fun with nosey customers. I can't recall the number of times we could hear blood curdling screams coming from the shop because of those charged condensors! He really got a big kick out of that.
Well there was a fellow by the name of 'Skeeter' that used to stop in about every day just to hang around and yak. Paw Paw figured Skeeter wasted too much of his valuable time and got kind of tired of it. And everybody knew how scared Skeeter was of electricity. That's how he got his name. So Skeeter walked in one day and Paw Paw was ready for him. He hollered "hey Skeeter, CATCH" and pitched him a freshly charged condendor. WHHEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Old Skeeter jumped about four feet off the ground and hit the ground running! He hit that front door and didn't stop running till he got plumb out of sight. And we never did find that condensor. That really agrivated Paw Paw because those condensors were worth about 39 cents!
We found out later that Skeeter had wet his britches and almost crapped them too! It took him a long time before he'd ever set foot in that shop again.
Now Paw Paw was a real skin flint and a big beer drinker. Nothing bothered him as much as having to buy beer down across the county line because it didn't just cost him the money for the beer. It cost him propane for the trip as well. He had his old Chevy pick-up plumbed to burn propane because it was so much cheaper than gasoline. So on one of our visits, Dad taught him about homebrew. I can still remember the glazed, stunned, greedy look on Paw Paw's face as he listened to Dad's explanation about how much better the beer was and the fact that it was sooo much cheaper. Well, that's all it took for Paw Paw. Before the end of the day, he and Dad had rigged up a homebrew area in the shop and had picked up a bunch of re-cappable bottles (that's all they had back then) from the closest bar. When us kids got sent to bed that night, Dad and Paw Paw were still messing with the first batch of homebrew, getting it just right. Mamaw wasn't too impressed with all the mess, but to her credit she just kept a stiff upper lip and let it slide.
Well, that next weekend we showed up for a visit again and Paw Paw's beer was ready to be bottled as far as he or Dad were concerned. The only problem was where to store the beer after bottling it. Paw Paw didn't want to put it out in the shop because it got pretty hot in there in the summer time. And besides, he didn't want to take the chance that someone (like us kids) would find it and drink it all up. So he decided to put it in the attic of the house. Since the house was built inside the shop, he didn't figure the attic would get too hot for that homebrew. So they bottled the beer and then put it up in the attic to allow it to carbonate so they could start drinking it. We all went to bed that night and had no idea what was in store for us. Because, sometime during the night, those bottles of homebrew started to bust.
I'm sure Paw Paw didn't give it any thought at the time, but he had put that beer directly over his and Mamaw's bed. Us kids could hear him in the bedroom (as the bottles were busting) telling Mamaw to hush, it wouldn't be a problem. One or two bottles were bound to bust, he assured her. Well, while us kids laid there on the hide-a-bed trying not to laugh out loud, every one of those bottles of beer busted! All 62 bottles!!! Dad finally couldn't stand it any more and went in and turned the light on in Paw Paw's bedroom and hollered for him to get out of bed and quick help him save the rest of the beer! But it was too late. All that beer had soaked through the ceiling tiles and was dripping down on the bed. That ended Paw Paw's hombrewing career. At least until he could get some more bottles and figure out how to make homebrew without Mamaw knowing about it! 
I'll quit there for now and if a staff member thinks it should go somewhere else, please feel free to move this.
When I was a young lad my family would visit my grandparents on my Dad's side pretty regular. We called my Granddad 'Paw Paw' and my Grandma 'Mamaw". Anyway, Paw Paw owned a parts store and auto-mechanic's garage at County Line, Oklahoma for many years. Paw Paw was a very unique individual and trouble seemed to follow him everywhere he went. For instance, he had a big sign hung up over the counter of his parts store that read "IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS MUST PAY CASH". He got in more than one fist fight over that sign, because at the time, store credit was very popular. And truth be told, Paw Paw allowed the 'white folks' to have a little credit from time to time, but he wouldn't extend credit to the 'colored folks'. That was just his way, and you have to realize that this was back in the early to mid-sixties.
Now Dad's a pretty bright fellow and was always trying to show Paw Paw new ways of doing things. But to give you an example of how Paw Paw thought, he truly believed that the ignition system in the vehicles back then was a modern day miracle, and he had absolutely no idea how it worked. He just knew how to change points and plugs and condensors. And he had this condensor tester/charger that Dad bought him so he'd save money by re-using old condensors that tested good. He didn't know how that worked either, but it sure wound up making him lots of money over the years. Well, anyway, he figured out that he could charge up a condensor and set it on the counter by the cash register and have a little fun with nosey customers. I can't recall the number of times we could hear blood curdling screams coming from the shop because of those charged condensors! He really got a big kick out of that.
Well there was a fellow by the name of 'Skeeter' that used to stop in about every day just to hang around and yak. Paw Paw figured Skeeter wasted too much of his valuable time and got kind of tired of it. And everybody knew how scared Skeeter was of electricity. That's how he got his name. So Skeeter walked in one day and Paw Paw was ready for him. He hollered "hey Skeeter, CATCH" and pitched him a freshly charged condendor. WHHEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Old Skeeter jumped about four feet off the ground and hit the ground running! He hit that front door and didn't stop running till he got plumb out of sight. And we never did find that condensor. That really agrivated Paw Paw because those condensors were worth about 39 cents!
We found out later that Skeeter had wet his britches and almost crapped them too! It took him a long time before he'd ever set foot in that shop again. Now Paw Paw was a real skin flint and a big beer drinker. Nothing bothered him as much as having to buy beer down across the county line because it didn't just cost him the money for the beer. It cost him propane for the trip as well. He had his old Chevy pick-up plumbed to burn propane because it was so much cheaper than gasoline. So on one of our visits, Dad taught him about homebrew. I can still remember the glazed, stunned, greedy look on Paw Paw's face as he listened to Dad's explanation about how much better the beer was and the fact that it was sooo much cheaper. Well, that's all it took for Paw Paw. Before the end of the day, he and Dad had rigged up a homebrew area in the shop and had picked up a bunch of re-cappable bottles (that's all they had back then) from the closest bar. When us kids got sent to bed that night, Dad and Paw Paw were still messing with the first batch of homebrew, getting it just right. Mamaw wasn't too impressed with all the mess, but to her credit she just kept a stiff upper lip and let it slide.
Well, that next weekend we showed up for a visit again and Paw Paw's beer was ready to be bottled as far as he or Dad were concerned. The only problem was where to store the beer after bottling it. Paw Paw didn't want to put it out in the shop because it got pretty hot in there in the summer time. And besides, he didn't want to take the chance that someone (like us kids) would find it and drink it all up. So he decided to put it in the attic of the house. Since the house was built inside the shop, he didn't figure the attic would get too hot for that homebrew. So they bottled the beer and then put it up in the attic to allow it to carbonate so they could start drinking it. We all went to bed that night and had no idea what was in store for us. Because, sometime during the night, those bottles of homebrew started to bust.
I'm sure Paw Paw didn't give it any thought at the time, but he had put that beer directly over his and Mamaw's bed. Us kids could hear him in the bedroom (as the bottles were busting) telling Mamaw to hush, it wouldn't be a problem. One or two bottles were bound to bust, he assured her.
Well, while us kids laid there on the hide-a-bed trying not to laugh out loud, every one of those bottles of beer busted! All 62 bottles!!! Dad finally couldn't stand it any more and went in and turned the light on in Paw Paw's bedroom and hollered for him to get out of bed and quick help him save the rest of the beer! But it was too late. All that beer had soaked through the ceiling tiles and was dripping down on the bed. That ended Paw Paw's hombrewing career. At least until he could get some more bottles and figure out how to make homebrew without Mamaw knowing about it! I'll quit there for now and if a staff member thinks it should go somewhere else, please feel free to move this.
, I was just a kid. Well, she jumped straight up and when she hit the ground she was looking right at me. Then it dawned on me what I'd done and I dropped that BB-gun like it was red hot and ran for the hills as fast as I could go. But her legs were longer and she caught me anyway. Shc carried me kicking and hollering all the way back to the house and sat me down right in front of the big kahuna. Dad, with a capitol D. Well, Dad busted me a good one and then Mom took her turn. And while she was busting me, Paw Paw came in and found out what was going on and after he quit laughing he busted me too. That's about the time Paw Paw figured out that a donkey would be safer for me to play with than a BB-gun. But that's another story.
My cousin decided to do some donuts around the car wash in the muddy and oil slicked dirt. See, Paw Paw would take all the old oil from oil changes and pour it out on the dirt parking lot and surrounding bare dirt that should have been yard. He did that to keep the dust down and because he couldn't think of anything else to do with all that oil. He'd seen the highway department doing it on the dirt roads and figured what the heck. So it was pretty slick stuff. 
