Story Gurl

[Kathy in FL]

Gurl

Prologue

I used to know my real birthday but somewhere along the way I've forgotten it. I could have put in a request for a public records search but I would have to kiss too many feet and if I have to do that I would rather it be for something more important than a day no one will ever celebrate, least of all me. They asked me to pick a date for myself because they needed it for my certificate of verification so I picked April 1st. They think it is because that is the day they brought me in for tagging; they think it is a sign that I have finally accepted my fate. Maybe it is true that I have accepted my fate since there doesn't seem any way out of it, but that isn't the reason I picked the date.

There are bits and pieces of the memories of my early years that are missing but the one thing I remember with perfect clarity is the day my family died. It was April 1st. That was the day I was born into my new reality and it is as good as any to pick for a birthdate, and true in a way only another street rat could understand.

I also used to remember and use my old name but that old identity was burned away just as surely as the bodies of my family that had been carted away to be incinerated along with the thousands upon thousands who were dying every day around the world. I think something must have broken in me that day, turned cold and hard. I refused to cooperate with the ones that came to take me away, refused to answer any of their questions, certainly refused to answer them when they started calling me Jane Doe 1062. In the end they simply started calling me Girl. Eventually that is all anyone called me as it was the only thing I would half way respond to.

If you look at my ID badge today this is my designation:

Name: Gurl Noname
DOB: April 1st
Age: approx 17
Status: verified female, matched, transport imminent

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 1

When did it start? That’s a hard question to answer. I’m not even sure there is any particular order to it. Some people say it started with the war. Some people say it was the currency collapse or the worldwide economic collapse. Some people say it was the religious war that consumed half the planet at one point. All I know for sure is that it started before I was born.

My parents were married old-style and there was a brother and a sister before I came on the scene. The sister I barely knew as she died for some reason I can’t remember. I think it was something to do with her heart, but I can’t be sure. I remember it was expected. I remember she couldn’t play outside or do chores because she was weak. I remember we didn’t spend a lot of time with other kids because we might bring a sickness home. I remember at the end all she could do was lie in bed and then she just went to sleep and never woke up.

I remember hearing my parents say it was a blessing that she had “passed,” that she wasn’t sick or in pain anymore. I didn’t understand that for a long time. If it was such a blessing why were they always crying?

Eventually life settled back into a pattern and I grew to be old enough to take stock of it. My family wasn’t rich so life was a lot of work. I didn’t remember life being any other way but I heard the stories other people told and saw the shows on TV that mimicked the way things used to be. We may not have been rich like some people but we did have a house in the suburbs to live in and a garden so we ate most of the time. Some people couldn’t say that, especially those in the heart of the cities or in the work camps.

Dad was considered a “necessary worker” so he never got drafted or sent to a work camp. Mom used to be a teacher but she lost her job when she was pregnant with me. After that she decided to save the cost of day care and after school care and stayed home. Plus, someone needed to keep an eye on the garden to keep the raiders out of it. Back then there was also something called public assistance and my parents didn’t want to have anything to do with it. It seems if you belonged to certain groups – like the unions that kept trying to force my parents to join – you were put at the top of something called a role to get money that other people worked for or you received food from the government if there was any in the warehouses.

My parents didn’t want the unions or the government to tell them what to do, when to do it, and who to do it with. If you were on the public assistance then they could come in and out of your house whenever they wanted and they could tell you how many kids you could have and where your kids had to go to school and lots of other things like that. You had to report everything to the government so that they could tell you how much public assistance you got.

My father said it was no one’s business what we had and what we didn’t; that it was hard enough keeping the government out of your business without inviting them in by taking money from them. So, no unions. My mother didn’t renew her teacher’s union membership even when they offered to keep her on for free. My father refused to join the union where he worked and since he was the kind of man you didn’t bother, they finally left him alone about it.

I suppose it was a hard life full of harsh rules but I never knew any different so to me it was normal. The people here tell me that I was deprived, that if my parents hadn’t been so selfish and would have let social services help we would have been much better off. They never go so far as to say my family would still be alive if only … but they leave that idea hanging in the air like I’m supposed to buy it and come up with it on my own. But no matter how they spin it I don’t believe it. Nothing could have saved my family and if I had been one of those spoiled kids I would have died like so many others did.

When I was eight something nasty got released in the world. I didn’t know exactly what until I got here and started taking history classes. It seems that a baggage handler had bobbled when he should have weaved and dropped a suitcase belonging to a terrorist who was transporting samples of a weaponized virus. By the time the airplane landed everyone on the plane was infected including the pilots and airline stewards. When everyone caught their connecting flights they took a little extra something with their carry ons to share. Within the month the virus had spread around the globe.

At first it was like the doomsday clock had been started and only minutes were left. People were rioting in the streets and scared of their own shadows. Experts claimed the virus was ninety percent fatal. Well the problem with so-called experts is that they’re more often wrong than right no matter what their own ego tells them. The really lethal version of the virus, the stuff that came out of the original sample containers, was just too lethal and burnt out too quickly to spread effectively. What did spread was a less lethal mutation that had a longer incubation period. This created a “wave” effect which meant that while a lot of people got sick, not as many got sick at the same time. And of those that got sick, fewer of them died. Most of those that lived didn’t get off scott free however and I’ll get to that eventually.

My big brother died at the beginning of the second wave. Again I heard my parents say what a blessing it had been. He’d been dying a very painful death as his lungs filled with fluid and his internal organs shut down. Then my father got sick at the end of the second wave and it took him a really long time to die. Technically it happened at the beginning of the third wave but I’ll always know the truth.

Mom didn’t say it was a blessing that time. In fact, she didn’t say anything at all because she’d caught the sickness too while taking care of him. I don’t remember much about how things went, if I was alone and if so for how long, how I ate, or anything except for the day they drew their last breaths. I’d come to know and understand what death was by then. I’d seen too much of it. I also knew from the TV if death was in your house you were supposed to call a series of numbers on your phone and then hang up; you didn’t have to say anything, just hang up. If they called back and you didn’t answer they would send someone out to help. This was supposed to be so that people too sick or who were alone and knew they were dying could call and help the authorities do what was necessary. It was billed as responsible citizenship.

The next thing I clearly remember is some guys dressed in space suits busting in the door with a small battering ram. There were people with guns too and they ran from room to room while I simply stared at them. After they saw there was no one left but me the guys with guns went outside to guard things. The spacesuits didn’t even bother looking at me after that. They just started writing on a clipboard and then took my parents to a big refrigerated truck that was outside. When they finally got around to noticing me I did get scared.

I knew I wasn’t dead and part of me knew my parents weren’t in the bodies that had been carried away. They were gone to Heaven to be with my sister and brother and that was supposed to be a blessing. What I didn’t understand was why I hadn’t been allowed to go. Part of me wanted to ask the people in the space suits but part of me had gone away although I didn’t realize it. I wanted to just go with my parents’ bodies but at the same time some spark in me fought it tooth and nail.

Then some people showed up outside and they seemed angry and tired and were yelling at everyone for making things more complicated by not taking me out and having me ready and all the paperwork filled out. Right then something let go of the last bit of my old self and when this half-crazy woman stomped into the house trying to jerk my arm to make me go with her I turned into a feral kid whose mind was mostly a confused mess of nothing but anger and instinct. I fought tooth and nail and when I bit the hand that was trying to drag me out the woman drew back like she was going to belt me one.

Before she could a guy in a funny uniform with a mask and respirator on his face pushed her away. I remember he was really angry but I can’t remember about what exactly, all I knew was that it wasn’t at me. I can still hear that guy shouting at the social worker to shut up and if she raised a hand to me again she’d be off to a work camp as fast as he could arrange it. The woman was outraged but I could see fear on her face as well. The lesson I learned from that was power and control didn’t always mean the one that could hit the hardest.

I can’t remember what the guy’s face looked like through the mask but I remember his hands. His voice sounded funny coming out of the intercom on the respirator. “It’s all right kid. I have to go to Central anyway so you’ll come in the truck. Now let’s get you some stuff packed up.”

He took my school backpack and dumped everything out. Then he went around the house putting things in it. He pulled the album that had the DVDs with our family pictures on them and put it in there. He stuck in the family Bible that had all of the different papers stuck between the pages. He took a bag from the kitchen and put the few pieces of jewelry my mother had in it; that was stuck deep in the inside zipper of the pack. A lady that was with him put a couple of changes of clothes and some personal hygiene items in there like my toothbrush and hairbrush. I took my wind up music box and my Barbie doll and also shoved in all of the clothes my mother had sewed for her. When they weren’t looking I went into my brother’s room and took his slingshot that he used to keep the birds out of the garden and then into my parents’ room. I didn’t know what I was doing but someone … or Some One … must have been guiding me. I took the tin that my mother kept her hair clips in, a couple of her hair scarfs that she always wore, and then my father’s utility belt that he always wore to work. I barely had time to hide that stuff in the back pack before the man found me.

“There you are.” He bent down beside me and said, “Better put this sweater on, it’s cool out there today.” I don’t know why I trusted him but I did. I think sometimes you just know.

I don’t remember leaving the house. I don’t remember getting in the truck that followed the one that held the bodies. I do remember getting out of the truck because the guy stopped me and got down on my level. “Now, the place you’re going to is rowdy and some of those kids play rough, most of them are from the inner city. I wouldn’t leave you here but all of the other holding stations are full.” He put my back pack into my hands. “This is yours, just like your jacket and your shoes. They don’t belong to anyone else, just you. Don’t let those kids take it from you and don’t give it to any of the adults to hold either because they won’t even if they say they will. What’s yours is yours to be responsible for. And when it is dinner time, fight for your share; you’ll have to or you’ll go hungry. And … and don’t get backed into a corner, especially not by any of the boys. Just don’t.” I listened to his voice and it was like words were being written into a secret place inside of me.

The woman that had packed my clothes said, “She’s out of it. I doubt she even understands half of what you are saying.”

I remember he took my arm and said, “Oh she understands. And she’ll remember. Won’t you kid?” For the first and last time I looked into that masked face, tried so hard to see what was behind it, but not seeing his eyes all I did was nod.

As the uniforms walked away a couple of new people in medical scrubs walked forward and I was shepherded into the next phase of my life.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 2

The room I was hustled into was pure chaos. The noise almost had me turning tail and running. But then I was pushed into a quieter area. A woman took the paper that had been taped to my backpack but when she tried to take the pack I jerked it away from her. She finally gave up and started reading the form.

“Honestly, can’t the field people do anything right?” she complained in a huff. “There’s no name on here. Hey kid, what’s your name?” When I just looked at her and refused to answer she mumbled, “Great, another uncommunicative to deal with.” She taped the screen of her computer terminal a couple of times and then told me, “Let’s see that makes you … Jane Doe 1062.”

She gave me a very cursory examination and noted my basic vital statics before handing me over to a big woman in nursing scrubs that she called Nurse Mannecheck. The woman read over the paperwork and shook her head. She looked down at me and said, “Girl, if you ever want to get called anything other than Jane just come up to the desk and well fix your name badge.”

I was taken to a large community room and the noise was once again overwhelming. When I seemed to be glued to one spot the large woman dragged me over to an older girl and said, “I hate to ask but here’s another one. Just make sure she gets in line and gets some food until she figures out how to survive in here with the rest of you savages.”

The girl looked at me like I was a cockroach and then glanced at my name tag. “Girl, I done got too many Janes to look after. Either you keep up or I don’t care what that fat !@#$% says, you can starve for all I care.”

The older girl “watched me” for two meals and then there were other new kids that she needed to initiate into life at Central. It only took once for me to learn that the cafeteria people tried to give all the kids equal amounts but that it would be up to me to keep someone from stealing it right off my tray.

As soon as something was handed to me I was eating it. By the time I got to the end of the line all that was left was to pick up the bottle of water or juice, or carton of milk they handed out there and drink it as fast as I could. Then I walked right over to the window where we were supposed to stack our trays and dropped the tray and utensils off. There wasn’t much on the tray but sometimes I would squirrel away a bottle of water or a granola bar for later … or for a bribe so that a bigger kid would leave me alone.

I didn’t speak to anyone. Period. I didn’t answer questions. Period. I didn’t ask questions. Period. I didn’t make all the noise the other kids made. I didn’t cry, not even when I would get hit or pushed to the floor. Period, period, period. After a while everyone thought I was mute. But I could fight … and people learned to leave me alone. The biggest problem that people made for me was that I wouldn’t put my backpack down, not ever. It went everywhere I went, even the bathroom and shower. I took the zipper tabs off to keep kids from pulling them and ripped the plastic off a mattress to wrap everything in to keep it dry.

All of us kids had some type of issue and it was no wonder. Most of us slept fully clothed, including our shoes; if you didn’t you never knew if you’d have anything left come morning. Hygiene items were handed out sparingly by the staff but they needn’t have bothered because hardly anyone seemed to use them on a regular basis. But the one thing the staff did make sure of was that at least once a week you took a shower. Without exception. Even if they had to hose you off and scrub you down with a broom.

Food was the one thing that everyone seemed to fight over. That and shoes. After a couple of months everyone’s shoes were so raggedy that no one cared so it was down to food. One time an older boy tried to take something off my dinner tray while we were in line. That was definitely against the rules but what happened when an adult wasn’t looking was ignored by the staff for the most part; the staff only noticed when they were forced to. And if they were forced to notice, they made it unpleasant for everyone because it meant they had to take action. We’d been on lock down that morning because of a bunch of fighting in the boys’ wing and we’d missed both breakfast and lunch. We were all hungry and more than a little angry. So this guy tries to take my sandwich and I stabbed him in the hand with my fork.

I could see in his eyes that I was going to get beat on but then a couple of the older girls stepped up and shouted him down, “It’s you and your crew that got us all missing meals. You don’t wanna find a shiv stuck some place it’s gonna hurt so you just better back off. We don’t need no more trouble. If you’re hungry go look in the mirror and blame your own self.”

I didn’t get hit that time, but there were other times that I did … but I learned to take it and I learned to dish it out. But everyone grew to learn that so long as you left me alone I’d leave you alone. Fine by me. They also learned that if you didn’t leave me alone I’d make you sorry … I fought dirty; for that matter I still do. There’s not much difference between this place and the streets except the beds are softer and the clothes are cleaner, beyond that, it’s still a zoo just a different type.

Then there was the time that some older boys got into a fight out on the basketball court. I had only been pushing the guy away so he wouldn’t step on my feet but apparently he’d had a shiv and had been about to cut the other guy he was fighting with. Somehow or other I went from being alone to being part of a group. “Com’ on Girl. You can sit with my little sister. Maybe if I let you hang around she won’t always be cryin’ and makin’ noise.”

The kids gave up calling me Jane before the adults did but eventually everyone called me Girl. It was the only thing I responded to so if they wanted my attention they had to do it my way. That was my general attitude about everything. I looked after JD’s little sister so long as no one asked me to. If she didn’t ask me I would comb her hair and braid it. I kept the other kids from bothering her because if they caused her problems and made her cry then it caused me problems from JD. And I didn’t push her out when she started crawling into my bed after lights out in the girls’ dorm when things really did turn into a jungle.

Things pretty much went on this way for about six months and then some invisible point was reached and my world blew up … again. There were too many kids for too few adults to manage. We pretty much ran things ourselves and the adults were only there for appearances sake. The only authority lay not in the hands of the security guards who stayed outside the fences but in the hands of the gangs. The rules were unwritten but easy to follow. You stayed in your group unless you wanted to be beat on. You didn’t mess with anyone higher up the food chain than you unless you wanted to be beat on. If you were a little kid, you stayed out of the business of the big kids unless you wanted to be beat on. You owed loyalty to whatever big kid brought you into the group and if you didn’t show up when there was a throw down you were going to get beat on anyway.

But things were ok so long as there was food and water and electricity to keep the TVs and video games and stereos running. We’d all noticed that the pickings at meals had gotten slim but it was always there … then one day it wasn’t. And then the water went. And then the electricity. And then there were no adults. And then there was anarchy and chaos.

The infrastructure of the country had fallen apart; it was everyone for themselves and the orphans in the processing centers were forgotten about in the melee. Not just here but everywhere. Too many sick and dying people around the world. Not enough built in cushion to get everyone over the hump.

The war, once thought to be in the midst of peace talks, escalated again and I don’t know what happened to the world for a while. No one really does, or if they do they don’t talk about it. No one knows who won yet so they haven’t written the history books. I can tell you what happened where I was.

Our gang ran. There was no food, no water, no nothing to keep us locked up. It was a dumb time of year to do it though. It was turning November and getting cold. Some of the older kids knew we needed to get set up and took us to their old neighborhoods. No one wanted us there and they tried to run us off. There wasn’t enough of anything for the people already living there and the adults wanted what remained all for themselves. So the street rats were born.

We hunted through garbage just like all the other homeless people. We wore whatever rags we could find to stay warm. We dismantled buildings for wood to burn. We scavenged and ate stuff even vultures would have puked up. Most of us lost our humanity and dignity, what little had been left to us. We were violent and determined. One day was just like the next and the only thing that mattered was seeing the sun come up.

The inner cities emptied out that winter. A lot of people died of starvation or exposure. The same thing was true of the thousands of street rats that populated the hells of the inner cities all over the country. Only rarely did we venture out to the suburbs and never to the country side. We had to be absolutely desperate to risk it. The adults there were not as weak as the ones in the cities. They treated us like vermin. And in the countryside there were guns that could be used against us as easily as they were used against wild animals.

Sometimes we’d find guns of our own, but guns are just fancy clubs when you run out of bullets for them. The adult gangs had guns but they learned not to hunt street rats unless they wanted a vermin problem of mammoth proportions. Most of us were loners or living in small pseudo-family groups but if you gave us reasons we would mob you like a flock of vicious crows. Hunting us with guns wasn’t the only reason we would band together but it was one of the times we were at our most vicious.

With the cities emptied or emptying, we street rats took over. Each person or group had a home base and that’s where we would bring things back to for squirreling away. If you were part of a group anything brought back was communally owned. If any member was caught holding something back they could be shunned or kicked out and with the way winter was going that was as good as a death sentence for a street rat that wasn’t self-sufficient.

Good things did happen sometimes, that was what happened to my little charge and her big brother JD, the one who had brought me into the gang. The boy had gone to see if his aunt and uncle still lived in their old place and he caught them right before they left to go to another family member’s home far away from the city. They were so happy to see their nephew and niece and find out that they were still alive that they came and fetched the little girl from me and took them with them that very day. My parents would have called that a blessing, but I was alone again and decided from there on out to stay that way.

Before that winter was over a lot of the street rats had died of cold. They died of starvation. They died of bad food as well. Some of the adult gangs that wanted the territory for themselves had found a way to rid themselves of their competition. They would put poisoned garbage out as bait. We learned to be very careful of anything that looked too good. Because if it looked too good to be true, it most likely was.

Four years went by like this. The fighting. The scurrying. The sneaking. The hiding. Day in and day out, it was always the same. I wasn’t the only one to lose their speech. If a street rat lived long enough to be older they generally made their way into the membership of the adult gangs. The girls especially enjoyed this privilege though I didn’t see how what they had to do to stay in the gang was much of a privilege.

Staying alive was the big if. Death was always waiting around the corner, shadowing us. It came in all shapes and sizes and even the best among us sometimes fell to its teeth and claws.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 3 (Part 1)

For four years I lived by my wits, my only constant companion a ratty and faded backpack that had been repaired so often I eventually had to replace it with an old canvas one I found in the attic of some old garage apartment. It was amongst a few things that had been packed in a metal storage chest that had escaped real rats and other nasties that seem bent on destroying all of the flotsam of time that people left behind when they died or ran away.

Attics and basements were where I found the useful things that I collected over time, especially clothes to replace the ones I outgrew. I didn't have too many requirements for clothes; no bright colors; cover all my private parts so males wouldn’t think I was advertising; pants had to have pockets and zippers or buttons that worked; and, in winter what I wore had to keep me warm. It didn't matter if they fit very well; they just had to stay on when I ran.

Attics and basements also gave me things to trade and barter, pieces to build traps so I could eat or secure my hidey holes. They gave me tools and materials to create weapons with for hunting and protection. They also yielded my one vice … books. Everyone thought I was mute and nearly everyone thought I was brain damaged in some way. That suited me well enough, it meant they pretty much left me alone. But being alone had its drawbacks. Books filled a need I had. I may not have talked aloud but I heard words in my head. My vocal chords may have been atrophied but my brain was not. With books, and paper, and pencils I kept myself alive in a way some of the other street people had lost completely.

It was at a barter market that I heard the rumors for the first time. Someone was coming in and knocking off the adult gangs. Sometimes an entire group would be found dead the next day ... poisoned, gunned down, gassed ... but most of the time they just disappeared. Then certain parts of the city became off-limits. We street rats learned real quick that to cut across a certain park or go beyond a certain intersection meant you would disappear just like the adults. This went on for a year and the population of street people – be they gang, rats, or something else – took a real downturn. Every so often the territory of this unknown enemy would expand overnight and all the street people unfortunate enough to get caught in this expansion would disappear. That's how I disappeared.

Of course I didn't really disappear. No, I was tagged like a wild animal – an RFID chip behind my ear – and taken to a large holding station. I learned eventually that the people who had me had experienced enough losses due to violence and riot that they had learned to fill a holding station with street rats and other inner city dwellers and then just gas the whole building so they could do their tasks with a minimum of fuss from their captives.

I'd spent four days in the holding station, long enough to learn that my captors might claim they were out to help me but they weren't above hurting me either. I had a high pain tolerance even for a street rat, but a stun grenade or a strong electro shock would still knock me on my can and close to senseless. The best I can say about that time was that we were given two meals a day of soft foods and a cup of broth in deference to the fact that many of us had digestive tract and dental problems as a result of a poor diet. Then one night when I was at the peak of my claustrophobia and my mind was screaming for escape, they gassed us.

There was panic and chaos all around and then blackness. The next thing I remember was when I awoke by myself in a white room that was dimly lit. I panicked again almost right away because it was obvious I’d been messed with. For one thing I was in a hospital gown and for another I was completely clean from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet since I couldn’t remember when. My hair was clean and down all over the place when I normally kept it braided and tucked in my shirt so that it wouldn’t make a good handle to strangle me with. There was no bed or furniture in the room, the walls and floor were padded. I had been unconscious on the floor without a sheet to cover me.

My eyes darted to every nook and cranny and I knew I was the only thing in there with me until I calmed down enough to notice my backpack sitting on the other side of the small room. I desperately wanted to grab it but I kept looking for the trap. I could feel eyes on me from some place. When you’ve lived like I had for as long as I had you develop a kind of survival sense of what is going on around you even if you can’t see it … and there was definitely a feeling of being watched.

Then a woman’s cheerful voice came out of the walls though I couldn’t find the speaker box. “Oh good, you’re awake. You needn’t worry about anything missing from your pack Dear, we’ve left everything in there after inventorying it and you can keep it all, even those tools, so long as you don’t use them to harm yourself, harm anyone else, or attempt to escape. If you do, you’ll be punished and that wouldn’t be nice for any of us. It is a bit early but Dr. Benson will be in shortly and explain everything to you. Just try and stay calm; I would hate to re-sedate you so soon.”

I felt like poor Dorothy must have when she landed in Munchkin Land. I grabbed my pack and then put my back to a wall and faced what appeared to be the door. There was no reason to waste energy, no reason to make a fuss. I waited … and waited. I estimated that about forty-five minutes elapsed and then the intercom spoke again. “Please remain where you are. Dr. Benson is entering the room.”

A pale-blonde woman, dressed in hospital green scrubs and a white lab coat, walked in slowly and carefully but she wasn’t alone, she had two guards with her. I thought she was crazy. Did she really think I was going to take on a guy three times my size with a fancy gun and a big ol’ tazer hanging on his belt? I certainly wasn’t going to take on two of them. They were like gargoyle book ends on either side of her.

She smiled like she was trying to be my friend. “How do you do? They call you Girl do they not?”

OK, that was freaky. How did they find out what my name was? It wasn’t on any of my gear. She must have read something on my face even though I tried to keep it blank. “We’ve been monitoring the interactions in the barter markets for some time now. We are also aware that you are not mute or deaf despite people’s perception of you. You are an adolescent female that associates rarely except when absolutely necessary. You identify with the population of street people known as Street Rats. Physically, beyond the normal rigors of your life, you are in good health. Your dental hygiene needs work but we will take care of that. You appear to suffer some stature reduction due to a limited diet but your skeletal structure has not been compromised so you shouldn’t pass this on to your offspring. And your behavior is defensive for self-preservation rather than aggressive and you lack any of the primary markers for drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, or any of the multitude of mental health risks associated with living on the street. Do you know what this tells me?”

I just stared at her. “It tells me that in your earliest formative years you came from a stable home environment, most likely a two parent home. I would further hypothesize that you lost your family, perhaps all of them, during the Outbreak. Do you know why this is important?”

I continued to just stare at her. “I am not sure whether you are aware of it or not but roughly fifty percent of those infected during the Outbreak are now sterile. Of those that are not completely sterile, roughly forty percent of those have compromised reproductive systems.”

I wasn’t sure what this had to do with me but I wasn’t about to ask despite the fact she had gotten my attention. Dr. Benson sighed. “Allow me to explain why you are here and not in a detention center.” Now that did get my attention; I really wanted to know where “here” was.

“Our organization has been given the mission to retake the metropolitan areas so that we can resettle the masses that have been displaced by the war to centralize the disbursement of resources. That requires removing and rehabilitating the large population of inner city dwellers that have resisted conforming up to this point. This rehabilitation comes in many forms and in order for us to serve people best we have to process them and determine what they need.”

I was a know-nothing in the beginning but even then I knew that something seemed off about what she was telling me. She wasn’t giving me too much time to think however as she continued, “During the processing we also determine what, if any, potential a person has. For instance, you are a very lucky young lady. Do you want to know why?”

I still wasn’t talking. “We give each inner city dweller a general physical exam that includes blood work. Part of the blood work generates a DNA record and part is used for other tests. Your blood work showed that you have antibodies to a certain clade of the Outbreak virus. We are on the lookout for those antibodies because that particular clade has proven to be immune to all of the clades of the virus. This automatically put you into an elite level of interest.” She said it like I was supposed to feel pride in that fact. When she got no reaction from me she sighed and with a strained smile on her face continued. “What we found young lady is that you are in a very narrow class of people. You are both immune to all of the clades of the virus AND you are fertile.”

When she still didn’t get a reaction out of me she bent down on my level making the guards nervous. “Don’t you understand what this means? You are in the top ten percent of the population; it is amazing that such a refined specimen has survived the life you have obviously been forced to live. If your genetic testing comes back as favorable as I suspect, you could very well be in the top five percent; a veritable Sleeping Beauty just waiting for us to find and wake you. The fact that you can read and write is extremely gratifying. And do not attempt to hide it because I have seen the book list myself and while your handwriting needs refining your basic grasp of the mechanics and grammar of sentence creation is undeniable. I suspect you are a very clever girl and do hear and understand most of what I am telling you though perhaps do not fully comprehend its impact. You will have a much easier time integrating into civilized society and we haven’t even touched on the ease with which we will be able to match you to an appropriate sponsor after you’ve been polished up a bit.”

She stood back up. “I know you are probably in shock. I know you’ve been forced to conform to a society well below what your sensibilities should have had to endure. But we’ve rescued you and you needn’t worry any longer. With your cooperation we will see that you are resettled with every advantage. All we need is the confirmation from your genetic testing to set your value to society.” Then she revealed a bit of steel underneath rather fairy godmother like facade. “You will cooperate. You have a duty and responsibility to this country to do so. We are here to assure that you reach your full potential.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 3 (Part 2)

I later learned that Dr. Benson wasn’t a medical doctor but an anthropologist of all things. I had to look that one up. An anthropologist scientifically studies the physical, social, and cultural development of humans. Apparently I became a subject in a mass experiment on the people in this country … an experiment designed to continue the species by locating fertile males and females and matching them so that maximum benefit for society is reached. In other words Dr. Benson, her colleagues, and basically the entire organization they served – called SEPH by everyone - was into eugenics. I had to look that one up as well. Eugenics is the applied science or the bio-social movement which advocates the use of practices aimed at improving the genetic population of society. Put in even simpler terms eugenics equals social Darwinism.

I was capable of reading those words I had to look up and having a very basic understanding of them when I first entered SEPH … Social Engineering for the Preservation of Humanity … but I didn’t really understand them. I can today and I am just as suspicious of them if not more so even after being under their so-called tutelage for two years.

I was no more cooperative in SEPH than I was at any other time after my family died. Old habits die hard and it took them nearly a year to “break me” of my “bad habits.” The staff of SEPH are a much different kettle of fish than the adults of Central were. For one thing they have an overriding goal they all believe in … the “preservation of our species.” They also have the tools, the budget, and the support of the authorities. It is the job of SEPH, of their organization, to make sure that people are retrained and funneled into jobs and classes that best suit them with the purpose of rebuilding our country so that its citizens and society reach maximum potential.

That is nothing but a bunch of hokey that boils down to social and genetic engineering for the purpose of creating a better human. Again in laymen’s terms it is SEPH’s job to pigeon hole everyone so that the government can get maximum use out of them for as long as possible.

After that first visit by Dr. Benson there were lots of visits by other staff members and lots of other tests, not all of them I was a willing participant in. If I was too recalcitrant they would simply sedate me if possible; sometimes other methods were used that were more painful, especially after they found out depriving me of activities or meals simply made me even less inclined to cooperate. Like I said, it took them a year to break me. And even then they didn’t really break me so much as I decided that I was wasting my time and that I could obtain my freedom faster by appearing to cooperate and take advantage of what they offered.

It was with a great deal of enjoyment that I made a fool out of Dr. Benson one particular weekend. She was nothing if not ambitious and she was set to show off some of us to several of colleagues from other similar facilities while she vied with them for a promotion. I’d heard all this by listening to staff gossip and since too many times I had almost slipped up and talked I thought it would be a fine time to get a little dig in on the good doctor since she was such an oversized pain in my backside.

Five of use from the different designations were put on display and put through our paces. I was the only one in my particular designation at the time and she had no choice but to include me. But rather than use me as a prime example of positive things she purposefully showed why the behavioral reviews were so important for a proper matching.

After really getting in some verbal zingers at my expense one of the staff from another facility – someone that Dr. B had been obnoxious to – look at me and said, “You know, it’s such a shame to see potential like this go to waste. It must lie in whatever caused her muteness.”

With barely concealed glee I spoke aloud where others could hear me for the first time in years. My voice was weak but steady when I said, “Oh, I’m not mute. I just don’t care to speak to Dr. Benson.”

I thought Dr. B was going to have a heart attack. It was made worse by some of her colleagues rubbing it in by saying things that all of the ones in my designation could be quite, quite clever and that had she only thought to ask them they could have easily given her advice on how to handle and encourage me. The two weeks I spent in behavioral re-education detention (BRD) for the incident was worth every claustrophobic minute.

Some of their “methods of persuasion” were painful. What they called shock therapy was basically getting tazered until you wet yourself. Sensory depravation was another popular penalty for chronic trouble makers. Other methods included hours forced to endure the environmental control station and your standard sleep depravation. As bad as they were the girls in the dorm where I was assigned used tactics just as painful. Even amongst the “F” class – F for fertile – there were different designations. These designations depended on the designee’s genetic profile, clade immunity, and behavioral profile. I was top of the dorm in the gen profile and immunity issues … not so much for behavioral profile though I wasn’t anywhere near the bottom in that trait after I was assigned to someone other than Dr. B and after I started talking. Some of those girls were foul-mouthed and psychotic; there were also a couple of certified sociopaths in there with us. You always knew which they were because they were fitted with ankle devices that administered drugs to their wearers on a regular basis. I learned to watch my back and to never take anything at face value.

My thing – mostly – was being passive aggressive and oppositional defiant though not in a loud or noisy way; as long as they didn’t ask me to do something I would … except when it came to health and fitness training and then I would fight if they tried to stop me. I loved health and fitness. I also loved academic training but I never openly admitted it. For academics we were allowed to progress at our own pace on the computerized tablets we were assigned. I had to have new modules installed so often they gave me a special key pass so that I could do it myself. This also allowed me to check out “books” to read that weren’t available in the hardcopy library everyone else used for study hall.

We had a couple of other mandatory course areas besides academics. I mastered Intensive Interdisciplinary Household Management – IIHM – which is a fancy way of saying home economics though cooking and sewing were only a small percentage of what we studied in that area.

I received my competency ratings in social interaction, comportment, and etiquette but I despised them; it felt so fake and artificial. Some of the older girls claimed we were being groomed to be trophy wives and seemed to revel in the fantasy. However I knew that wasn’t true as I’d overheard the staff saying that girls who thought that were in for a rude awakening once they were “matched” and sent off.

It took me a while to figure out what they meant by “matched” but once I did I understood that it fit in with the whole mission statement of SEPH and I felt stupid for not seeing it before. I was never promiscuous on the streets, never trusted anyone enough to let them get that close, but some of the other girls were very experienced and explained everything – in detail – to the rest of us. Basically, those of us that were fertile were being matched with a male that was genetically compatible and we were expected to be “fruitful and multiply.”

Thousands of people had died as a consequence of the war but millions of people died during the Outbreak. Many millions more around the world died in the aftermath of the Outbreak from violence and infrastructure failure. Then it was found that of those that had survived infection most were sterile to some degree. Enter SEPH.

Some females that were fertile but already attached to a non-fertile male were given the opportunity to be surrogate mothers. I recently found out that some of the girls in my dorm have been designated for this purpose since their behavioral profile or their personal genetic profile kept them from being matched. Of those that did get matched their partners ran the gamut.

SEPH is not a stupid organization; they want to achieve their goals and to do so there has to be some compatibility between matched pairs. Before a match is finalized the male and female are given the opportunity to meet face to face in a controlled environment. I’m not sure how well that goes normally since I was in a different designation.

Supposedly I should be grateful. Supposedly I should feel not only grateful but privileged. Yeah well, supposedly SEPH only has the human race’s best interests at heart and they are full of good intentions but I could blow holes in that supposition the size of a prison ship. Just because I didn’t talk much didn’t mean there was anything wrong with my ears and the things I heard and the things I read using my pass key when no one was looking revealed that while SEPH’s lower ranking staff might be idealists, the upper ranks were manipulating things to their private advantage and making a ton of money while they were at it; the upper ranks were all about political power and influence.

Because of my designation I basically got sucked into a social and political pool of applicants that under any other circumstances I would have never had anything to do with. I was rare enough that I was going to fetch a high price on the market; not necessarily in dollars but in favors paid off and curried. Once I had come to understand and accept this I began to plan a way that I could use it to escape.

I’ve worked long and hard to get to this point. Dr. Benson might be the only one that still has suspicions about how compliant I am being now that the inevitable is at hand. All I care about right now is that I’m escaping this place, escaping my captors that have stolen my freedom for two years. I leave tomorrow on a transport heading west to the Outlands, an agricultural belt that buffers the major population centers from the Wastelands. Once I get there I’ll have to see what my options are, between here and there I will be too carefully guarded to escape and I’ll have to find a way to get rid of this blasted chip they can use to track me. When I do escape it will have to be permanently because if they re-tag me I’ll be put into the “egg house.” No way am I going in that place to be poisoned with hormones so I’ll produce enough eggs for surrogate mothers to hatch. I’d rather live out the rest of my life as a matched brood mare than die young and hard in that hell.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 4

I have decided I hate helicopters. No, I don’t just hate helicopters I despise them. I also despise helicopter pilots who think it’s male-privilege to make female passengers squeal and scream by showing off. I didn’t squeal or scream but the two other “matches” I was flying with did, as did the nurse sent as our guardian between SEPH and the train station.

Getting out of the helicopter I took great delight in “accidentally” clipping the pilot in the back of his head with a piece of my luggage … and it wasn’t a gentle tap either. His reaction I neither saw nor cared, to me the man no longer exists.

I learned I would travel with the two other women for the first leg of my trip after the nurse signed us over to a security detail of three guards, one of whom was a strongly featured female. The only thing we called our own was a small rolling suitcase that was the same beige as the skirts, jackets, and shoes we had been issued and a matching backpack. We might as well have been wearing prison fluorescent pink or signs that shouted our station in life. Our guards muttered the same complaint as they pushed us through the crowded station towards the VIP lounge to await our boarding time.

The male guards ignored us, focusing instead on keeping the overly curious away from our corner table. When the two other women enquired about getting a drink the female guard signaled for a sample of mini drink bottles to be brought over.

Looking at me and her clip board she said, “What about you … wait, your name cannot be Gurl Noname.” She pronounced it as No – nom – me with three distinct syllables.

One of the other women said, “If you want her to deign to notice you that’s all you’ll call her.” I’d had run ins with those two several times. I disliked them at least as much as they did me, I was just better at concealing it.

Still looking suspicious the guard said, “Well as long as it is not a joke on me it’s as good a name as any I suppose and better than some I’ve seen you females pick for yourselves. So … Ms. Noname … what would you like to drink?”

Considering I said, “Water.”

I expected her to say something about my choice, she looked like she wanted to, but all she did was nod and pass me a bottle of water. She then addressed all three of us. “Listen up ladies, my name is Sgt. Jenner. In a moment we will be going to a secure room where your luggage and persons will be searched before you board the train. This is standard security measures. Any contraband or disallowed items will be confiscated.”

My hand tightened on my backpack, my faithful companion. I’d managed to keep it all together albeit in a different container, for so long. I worried I was finally going to lose it.

“Ladies, you already know what is expected of you including where you may go while we are on the train and whom you may associate with. You should also know that I’m authorized to implement disciplinary protocols as needed to insure your compliance. Believe me, I’m inclined to simply knock you out for the duration rather than deal with you so unless you want to forego a once in a lifetime treat of traveling in a private car on a superliner I would suggest you tread lightly with me.”

I could have told her which of the two would cause her trouble and what kind but she didn’t ask and I wasn’t in a volunteering mood. A man walked over and handed Sgt. Jenner a computer tablet. Reading it she placed her thumbprint in a box and then directed us to stand up and follow her to another room. As we entered she stopped me and then attached a wire clip to my backpack.

She handed me the tablet and directed me to put my thumbprint in another box. She whispered for my ears alone as the other two women began the inspection process, “Ms. Noname, you’re designated class affords a few privileges. That clip keeps the inspectors out but it won’t keep me out. I was warned you three have the potential to be trouble but from where I’m standing the other two are my only problems. Don’t give me reason to doubt my first impression.”

She didn’t ask for a response so I gave a single nod to show I understood. I was a Rat, she was an Exterminator. So long as I didn’t do anything to force her to notice me I’d live another day. I prefer that type of honesty, it leaves me knowing where I stand.

I watched as the others’ luggage was thoroughly search. Several drug sticks were found in the seams of one of the back packs and in a suitcase they found a homemade blowtorch made with a bottle of perfume and some stolen office supplies. The name was the same for both the pack and the suitcase. Sgt. Jenner said, “Naughty Dawn, that’s two demerits right there already.”

Miss Smart Mouth asked, “How many do I get?”

The Sergeant grinned evilly and replied, “You’ll figure it out.”

Then came my turn. The back pack was taken from me and handed to Sgt. Jenner who held onto it as my suitcase was unzipped and emptied. There were two additional changes of the beige uniform and three changes of underclothing and two sets of nightwear. A pair of shower slippers and a pair of light indoor slippers we had been expected to wear to save our outdoor shoes when they weren’t needed. I had a bag of generic toiletries including a three-month supply of feminine hygiene products. There was a tightly packed rain poncho. And a personal first aid kit and a small personal sewing kit.

I quietly watched and fumed at the careless way my few belongings were handled. I gave no outward sign of my feelings however; to do so would have shown they had power over me and I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. Finally, the ordeal was over with and Sgt. Jenner directed us to exit a different door than we came in. She handed me my pack as we filed through.

“Move it Ladies. If you’ve made it this far in the organization, then you should have been taught not to gawp like a couple of yokels.”

I thought briefly about growing up to be Sgt. Jenner. She had a talent for choosing the words and tone that would accomplish what she wanted and at the same time punish those who irritated her. She was certainly getting under the skin of Dawn and her friend Danielle; I called them Dungeon & Dragon behind their backs or D&D for short. Sometimes I even said this to their faces; but I always watched my back closely afterwards. Enjoying D&D’s snit didn’t stop me from admitting that Sgt. Jenner had managed me pretty well thus far as well. I wondered if it was a natural talent for her or if she’d gotten pointers from someone like Dr. Benson.

Although in all honesty I had to say in D&D’s defense the people on the platform were work a gawp or two; we were certainly on the receiving end of a few ourselves. Closest to us were the obviously well-off with their expensive clothes, entourages and body guards, and their frou-frou pets. Large iguanas had replaced yippy little mutts as the latest exotic pet fad. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen one of those things clinging to the shoulder of some socialite and she’s talking to it like their brains were close in size … pea-sized in other words.

Further away were the working class families with some business types mixed in. There were also open sided cars for emigrants heading to other cities for work reassignment or social placement. But worth a gawp or not we moved quickly into the private car we had been assigned.

D&D were babbling and snooping into everything in the car until Sgt. Jenner said firmly to knock it off and put away their luggage so we could have a meeting. I was putting my suitcase on a bunk when the Sergeant walked into the small, 4-person sleeping compartment, noted D&D squabbling over the two lower bunks, and walked up to them with lightning speed to tap them both with a pen-shaped black device.

D&D grabbed their shoulders, gave the Sergeant a surprised look, and then crumpled to the floor. To me she said, “Give me a hand.” In a matter of moments D&D had been unceremoniously tossed into an upper and lower bunk on one side. She glanced at me and said, “You are stronger than you look.”

I didn’t respond to that but instead looked at the other set of bunks and asked, “Upper or lower?”

She smiled smugly and told me, “I get the lower.”

I laid my suitcase on the top bunk but was still wearing my backpack when she said, “Let’s get this over with while Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are out like a couple of dim bulbs.” With that she held out her hand for my pack.

She treated the contents with respect but she was extremely thorough. I don’t mean she was reverent, just careful. “When I read the manifest I had a hard time believing you traded all of your credits for this. You could have walked away with a real haul but instead … I don’t know if you are crazy as a loon or clever as a fox.” She didn’t expect me to answer which was a good thing because I wasn’t going to justify my choice to anyone. I had earned those credits and they were mine to spend as I saw fit.

While at SEPH you could earn – and lose – credits based on your mastery and competency scores, behavioral scores, and the occasional opportunity to earn extra credits in competitions. As well, each person’s designation and class – whether a fertile male or female – gave them an allotment of additional credits. Those credits can be “spent” in a shop which was a privilege for outgoing “matched” individuals. The shop contains so much it seems like an Alibaba’s cavern for those of us who had so little for so long; and all of it new, not dug out of the wreckage of an abandoned city. But for all the stuff in that shop, it didn’t hold the one thing I had really wanted.

I remember the look on Dr. B’s face when I wrote my request on my outgoing interview form.

Reading the paper for the third time she asked, “You want to what?”

“I’d like to trade all of my credits for my tablet.”

Trying not to show the surprise she obviously felt she said, “We’ve never had such a request. If I’m going to take this before the Committee I need to know why.”

I’d already prepared my answer. “I don’t want to forget what I’ve learned here.”

Snorting in disbelief she said, “You’ll have to do better than that.”

I drew a breath and gave it my best shot. “I could give a lot of reasons but they all boil down to the same thing. I’ve downloaded so much onto the tablet to study and study again. I’ve downloaded hundreds of books. All of my notes since I was issued the tablet are still on there. I’m still learning and making notes.” I swallowed, unaccustomed to pleading and it was sticking in my craw. “I don’t know where I’m going after I leave here. I don’t know who I’m going to. I don’t know what waits for me when I get there. The only thing I’m gonna have when I get there is what I leave here with. You tell me what I’m supposed to have in my new life and in general what things are supposed to be but all of the political and historical coursework and my own life experiences tells me ‘supposed to be’ never lasts. I want to hold onto as many tools as I can to survive when ‘supposed to be’ changes.”

Dr. B sat there for nearly a full two minutes before saying, “This is more words than you have ever spoken in one sitting.” She was silent again and I just waited, trying to be patient. Finally she sighed. “There is more to this than you are revealing but I’m not sure what it is. However, since I’m obligated to, I will put this before the Committee and whatever they decide is what will be.”

The Committee meeting was the next day and the day after that Dr. B called me into her office and handed me a package. “Your request was granted. I suspect you have ulterior motives but I was out voted. Not only will you receive your tablet you will be given a free upgrade that includes extra memory, two solar chargers, and seventy-two free hours in the digital library for downloading. I would suggest you use your time wisely.” Oh, I most definitely did.

Those scenes played through my head as Sgt. Jenner finished her inspection and then told me, “You can repack it and put it away. I’ll leave you the locking overhead bin; might be fun to catch one of those two trying to go through my stuff. According to her records that Danielle has a bad habit of rifling through other people’s belongings. When you’re finished come on out. They’ll have the lunch trolley here by then and we’ll discuss your placement.”

Doing as I was so politely but still obviously ordered to do I tried to remain unemotional and detached. I knew that some parts of my future were inevitable. Escape was not a viable option at that moment. I was chipped and ID’d out the ying yang and the Sergeant, for all of her superficial friendliness, would be a bad person to cross. I hoped for the best but I was prepared for the worst.

Since there was no sense in delaying it except to cause myself heartburn I finished what I was doing quickly and then left the sleeping compartment. I turned and saw the Sergeant speaking with the two male guards but they were obviously versed in the fact that lip reading is a skill most street rats learned early so they were turned so I couldn’t get a good look and interpret their mumbling.

I stood their patiently (at least on the outside) until one of the male guards brought me to Sgt. Jenner’s attention. She told me to go pick out a meal and come sit down. When I picked up one of the covered plates my stomach rolled.

“What’s wrong Princess? Not good enough for you?” asked a snide male voice belonging to one of the guards.

I shrugged, “I’m a street rat, I can eat anything and have and it won’t bother me any. I’m just thinking how wound up on a sugar high D&D are going to be once they eat all these carbs.”

Sgt. Jenner said sharply, “Enough socializing Noname, come take a seat.” The fact that she had dropped the “Miss” warned me that some unpleasantness would be making itself known shortly.

I sat and tried to remember to take slow and steady bites. Being outside of the SEPH compound for the first time since I’d been tagged had my brain trying to fall back into old patterns, one of which was to eat everything I could before someone else took it away.

“Habits die hard Street Rat?” Sgt. Jenner intoned a little viciously. I looked at her waiting for her next move when she forced herself to relax. “You’re a Rat all right. Probably a loner rat. You’re always looking and spying but trying not to be noticed. They’ve cleaned you up and dressed you human but you’re still just a Rat underneath it all. My best friend was killed by a Rat last year.”

Refusing to be intimidated I shrugged and said mildly, “Must have been a stupid Rat; most of us have better sense than to make those kinds of enemies. Unless you corner one of us … then we bite and claw. Just a friendly reminder in case you needed it.”

She snorted, “Don’t make the mistake that I’m your friend.”

I was getting tired of the posturing. I looked her straight in the eye with my dead lights and said, “Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I’ve been domesticated just because I choose to follow your rules. As for friends, I don’t have friends and am not looking for any.”

It was true. I can’t remember ever having what people call a friend, not even when I was little though I suppose I did have at least one back then; a playmate, something. I’ve had people try and act like they’re my friend but it always proved out they were just after something or that they were trying to make me vulnerable so they could control me. I certainly wasn’t fool enough to think this woman who I had known less than a handful of hours was my friend.

Blowing me off she said, “Just so we’re clear on that.”

We finished our meals in silence as the train pulled out of the station. I returned my dishes to the trolley and then returned to the table as the Sergeant did the same. She leaned back in her chair and scratched her chin. Made me want to ask her what brand of razor she used but I figured one minor dust up was enough for the day. I continued to remain silent when finally Sgt. Jenner said, “Dawson Lupton.”

I reminded myself to remain detached and unemotional and just stared at her. “Dawson Lupton, that’s the name of your match.” She pulled a folder out of a briefcase that one of the other guards handed her. “Nineteen. From a wealthy, land owning family. Not a bad looking kid.” She pushed a picture towards me. He looked like he belonged on a beach some place and not in board room running a corporate farm. “Father and his only two surviving siblings are both sterile due to the Outbreak. A couple of extended family members that are fertile but they aren’t immune and the occasional epidemic of the Outbreak virus still occurs out that way.”

I looked away from the picture. It awoke no feelings in me at all. At the very least I had expected to be a little angry but nothing, nada, zip. The fact that I had no feelings about it is the only thing that I had feelings about.

Misreading my passivity she asked, “Not good enough for you Street Rat? Want another turn at the lottery?”

Deciding to answer her even when I didn’t have to I said, “No choice in the matter so why get bent about it? I’ve been dipped and chipped; I run, they’ll find me. It’s this guy or the Egg House.”

She snorted. The “egg house” has never been officially acknowledged but everyone knows about it. It is a death sentence and whatever I may be, how low I may have sunk, I’m not ready to die.

“Lupton family representative will be meeting you when you get off the train. After that you’re on your own. They’ll sign for you and take you on the remainder of your journey to the Lupton private ranch. Normally SEPH will give you an emergency contact in case of abuse but you’re going to be so far out in the boonies that it wouldn’t do any good.”

I nodded and then looked out the window as night descended. I was thinking and trying not to think at the same time. After a while I heard Sgt. Jenner curse and then say, “You are a piece of work Gurl. I thought I had seen every reaction possible from one of you brood mares but you take the cake.”

Unsure why I felt talkative, at least for me, I replied, “What good would it do me? To react in some way I mean. During my time at SEPH it was explained to me in detail what my place in society was and pounded into me every waking hour that it was a destiny I couldn’t escape. I’m a rare breed; completely fertile, completely immune, and a clean genetic profile. I’m healthy with some built up resistance to common maladies from my years on the street.” I finished with a sneer. “My IQ is more than acceptable and my psyche flexible enough to withstand the beating it has taken and will continue to take at the hands of people that don’t want me to get above my station in this life. I’m also entering my prime breeding years. It doesn’t hurt that SEPH takes a pretty significant slice off the so-called fee that the Lupton family is paying for my use.” Looking back out the window I finished with the question, “With all of that, what could I possibly have to complain about?”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 5 (Part 1)

I continued to stare silently out at the passing scenery. We were heading west so we always seemed to be chasing the sun. When they brought a tea trolley about four o’clock by my internal clock it was only three o’clock by train time.

D&D stumbled out of the sleeping compartment right as I took my first sip of Yorkshire Gold – or that is what the tag on the tea bag read. They were not happy campers. I’ve been hit with those little sedation pens before and you always wake up with a rotten taste in your mouth and a hammer in your head. Part of me respected Sgt. Jenner and wanted to warn her, but another part of me would have been just as pleased if D&D managed to wipe the smug self-assurance off her face.

Under cover of the drama queens return I palmed an extra tea bag and an extra package of cookies and crackers. As a street rat my first responsibility to myself was to secure a cache of edibles against the times when the pickings might get slim. Most of the food I had seen thus far was fresh and unpackaged so collecting was not going to be easy, neither was storage, but I’d never let that stop me before.

I moved away from the brouhaha and found a corner seat away from the primary lighting in the train car. The location also allowed me to look out the window or watch my fellow passengers. Stepping out of the middle of things I realized that Sgt. Jenner and the two male guards were working us and it changed my perception of them. Realizing this I also became aware that the male guard who had addressed me by the lunch trolley had been trying to get some kind of reaction out of me. I don’t know if it was some kind of test to see if we were ready to interact with society or if there was some other agenda at work … but it was definitely planned, and it definitely made me more suspicious and less sympathetic.

They were subtle – and good – but once I found their pattern I didn’t fall prey to their maneuvering again. I fell back to the tried and true silent treatment, my best dual-purpose tool; it both irritates people and helps me to evade direct confrontations. I avoided movements that put me in close contact with the guards and D&D; nor did I do anything that appeared like I was initiating contact. If they wanted to talk to me they had to come to me, I did not and would not go to them … passive aggressive strategy for self-defense; I was a castle surrounded by a wall, they had to put energy into a siege if they wanted to breach my defenses and I had more time and mental resources to wait them out. People often got bored trying to play my game and would eventually leave me alone which was usually my goal all along.

The supper tray yielded some wet naps for my cache but otherwise it was unremarkable rubbery chicken something or other with a side of steamed veggies and a roll. Afterwards Sgt. Jenner walked over and ordered me to the sleeping quarters so that she could discuss D&D’s matches with them. I walked off grabbing a bottle of grape juice and a bottle of water. Sgt. Jenner thought nothing of it¸ assuming in her arrogance that I recognized her authority over me. In reality it was the perfect cover – and a little assured privacy – for me to put my collected resources into my backpack.

I wanted to read on my tablet but I had some suspicions and wanted to work out the validity of them before using it again. There’s an old saying that Street Rats know is true, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.” That left me very little in the way of something to do to occupy myself so I performed some exercises and then followed that with some biofeedback exercises to reduce the tension I was still feeling. Hey, I might have been forced to participate in those stupid psych eval meetings but that didn’t mean I couldn’t learn something on the sly that was useful.

An hour or so later D&D were ushered into the sleeping chamber and we were all ordered to sleep. In a snarl Sgt. Jenner said, “When I come to bed you three better be asleep.”

Dawn who was in a particularly furious frame of mind asked, “Or what? It’s not like life can’t get much more crappy. You gonna kill me? Sure, go ahead, I might as well be dead anyway.”

Sgt. Jenner snorted, “You would have thought you street rats would have learned to lower your expectations by now.”

Not liking the association the sergeant was making I said from my bunk where I already lay, “Dawn and Danielle aren’t Rats. They were gleaned out of some girls-only academy on the East Coast. You would think you rank and file street fighters would know the difference by now instead of lumping all of us Fertiles together into one group – or are you just jealous?”

She was fast, I’ll give her that. I almost didn’t have time move. I pulled back only enough to keep her from really hurting me but not so much that she thought she’d missed. In return I goosed her very hard under her arm pit making her jump back in surprise and pain. I got three things out of the exchange. First I learned just how fast she was; a useful bit of information in case I needed it again. Second, she learned – or thought she learned – how fast I was. She only thought she knew the extent of my ability to physically defend myself and how far she thought I would go. I let her go on assuming. Lastly she’d given me a weapon to use against her if I chose and she realized that almost immediately as she backed away.

I was going to have a black eye. Not a horrible one since I didn’t want to compromise my vision or depth perception but a little smudged eye shadow could help it along if need be. I knew for a fact that the reason why the guards had the other disciplinary tools at their disposal is because they weren’t supposed to mark us up. We were supposed to show up and make a really good first impression. I wasn’t sure I wanted to make a good first impression yet and Sgt. Jenner’s brief loss of control actually did me a favor that I could use several different ways.

I woke up the next day and was climbing down from the bunk when my ankle was grabbed. If I hadn’t defended myself against that childish move in the dorm I don’t know how many times I would have taken a header down to the floor. She couldn’t grab my ankle hard enough to make more bruises which meant she didn’t have enough purchase to yank me down once she saw I had a good balance despite her best try.

I had to give her the fact it had been a good try and one I hadn’t really thought she’d stoop to making. Shame on me for assuming she had more integrity than to try and hide her handiwork under an arranged accident. I decided she would bear more watching, as would the two other guards that might help her.

I suppose I should have been upset by it all but it was really just an unlooked for opportunity. I’d tried to maintain my street smarts but two years is a long time and I was rusty and knew it. It didn’t hurt to stretch and warm up those old skills before I had to get dropped into the lions’ den.

For the rest of the day Sgt. Jenner studiously ignored me but the two male guards seemed to be trying to start a mild flirtation with any or all three of us Fertiles. I wasn’t biting. I didn’t trust anyone who was that mercurial and besides the rules clearly stated that we weren’t to fraternize with male guards or male service staff. I wasn’t sure what kind of teeth were attached to that rule but I’m sure we were being watched by hidden cameras somewhere.

The idea of the hidden camera(s) was why I was very careful in what I removed from the various trays on Monday. Breakfast I managed to palm some packets of instant coffee and powdered creamer and honey straws that were supposed to be the sweetening for the porridge we were served. I would have liked to have squirreled some oatmeal but it came to us made up in the bowl already. Lunch yielded several powered drink mixes that were supposed to go with the bottled water pulled from the seemingly bottomless cooler of beverages. I picked up even more during “Tea Time” and at supper I managed to sweep up quite a bit of spilled salt in the guise of helping Danielle clean up where the lid came off the shaker. Danielle was particularly superstitious so was more than willing to let me help. Frankly my only thought was that if they didn’t want spills then they shouldn’t have made it quite so easy to unscrew the tops without people looking.

I also got chocolate but this I didn’t have to hide. Apparently one of the perks of a private cart was several different gift baskets delivered throughout the day to keep the passengers from becoming too board and potentially destructive. I only took a small sample box for energy food; I stood by as the remainder of that basket got divided up between the other five members of our party. A small basket of “exotic” meat sticks and cheese arrived late in the day and I tried not to laugh when the others appeared to be disgusted with the novelty items. They seemed ordinary enough to me, certainly better than some of the stuff I’d eaten in my life, but more than anything it was amusing to see them trying to ignore me when I started chewing on some Yak Jerky. There was also alligator, buffalo, wild boar, ostrich, salmon, tuna, kangaroo, duck, pheasant, emu, and a couple of other types of jerky and meat sticks that I can’t be bothered to remember off the top of my head.

The way they turned their noses up at what was obviously expensive food told me a couple of more things about my traveling companions. One, none of them had ever known real hunger. Two, none of them expected to ever experience real hunger. Three, for all of their “professional soldier” appearance, I was beginning to bet that the guards, including Sgt. Jenner, hadn’t really been outside of the city or even in a unit that had spent much time on the hard and mean streets. They may have been good guards but that didn’t mean they were any more equipped to survive than I was, and possibly a lot less. They showed to advantage with their height, muscles, and crisp uniform but their training didn’t seem to go much more than skin deep. It gave me hope that if I ever did escape from SEPH, the people they would send after me would be beatable.

Since I took so much of the meat and cheese basket I completely ignored the frou-frou basket that came with dinner. I already had sufficient toiletries and the last thing I wanted or needed was something that would stink me up in a way to attract every bug and search dog in a five-mile radius. As it was I had to endure the odors wafting from the bathroom in the sleeping compartment all night from where D&D had already used up half of the products “beautifying” themselves.

I would have said something smart but I was still in silent mode and D&D had learned to ignore me when I was like that. It irritated Sgt. Jenner and unnerved the male guards but all three had decided to simply keep their distance and I did likewise continuing into the next morning, the final day of my train ride … or so I thought.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 5 (Part 2)

I didn’t have a chance to really take anything from the breakfast and lunch trolley for my cache. Sgt. Jenner had started to pay way too much covert attention to me. I also avoided the snack basket until D&D forgot themselves so much as to toss me several granola bars and some fruit paste. I could see the tension building in them and knew that it was getting bad when they came over and sat beside me.

Dawn who was about five years my senior asked, “How can you simply sit there like this?”

I shrugged, unable to explain my lack of emotions even to myself. Danielle sniped, “Forget it Dawn, she’s just going to play all mysterious and crap.”

Dawn looked at me and said, “I don’t care what your game is, but you can’t think you’ll really escape from this.”

Not wanting to be set up I said sarcastically, “Escape from what? Oh yeah … my destiny. No, there’s no escape. SEPH and all their little friends have made sure of that. But just because I have no control over one part of my life doesn’t mean I can’t retain control in another area.”

Getting a cunning look on her face she said, “You’ve got some deep game going.”

I shrugged, not really sure what she meant. Danielle said, “I don’t know if I’m going to like who I’ve been matched with. I was supposed to be matched with some guy that I talked with on the vid phone but now I learn that was his son and Franklin is a lot older; he’s like middle aged.”

Dawn said, “I only talked to mine by audio phone. I knew he was going to take work but I had no idea he was an eighteen year old kid. What happens when I’m old and he’s still young? Are they going to match him to someone new and put me out to pasture? Tell you what, I’ll trade you, at least yours has a job and a house already; mine still lives with Mummy and Duddy.”

They turned to me and asked, “What about you? What flavor did you get?”

I didn’t feel like sharing but might as well since they were being nonconfrontational for once. “I didn’t get a lot of detail but he looks like a beach bum and still lives at home too. Only there’s no beach within a thousand or so miles of where I’m gonna be stuck. Haven’t a clue what it all means.”

Their next riff was on how they were being separated from each other and how it felt like their life was over. Once they got into the “the world revolves around me” mode I was able to tune them out although it wasn’t easy.

I was doing a good job of ignoring everyone until Sgt. Jenner bellowed at us, “Time to pack up. Get your butts in gear. I don’t think I’ll have ever been so glad to see the backside of a bunch of Incubators in my life.”

I was thinking that she must have had a super easy time of it up to that point because she didn’t seem to have any idea how much trouble I and D&D could have given her. I wasn’t the only one ready to bust out laughing. The three of us shared one last understanding look before reality shuttered our unexpected camaraderie forever.

After the train came to a standstill we were allowed to disembark first. We were herded to a private waiting area and entered the room to find two very uncomfortable and ill at ease families there ahead of us. I tried to get a sense of how I should handle things when it was my turn but was at a loss when I realized the young man who shook hands with Dawn and the middle aged guy who bowed to Danielle seemed … nice. Yeah, that’s the word I guess. They were nice and seemed to want to make things work. D&D seemed as nonplussed as I was. They left with their Matches and their Matches’ family without a backwards look in my direction. That left me alone with Sgt. Jenner who was impatiently tapping her foot.

Thirty minutes later she looked ready to explode when a man finally entered. He walked up to the Sergeant and without a by your leave dismissed her. She was still closing her mouth when he shut the door in her face.

“You are Ms. Noname?”

I nodded.

“I’m Assistant Security Director for the Lupton family. My name is unimportant so I won’t give it to you; I’m simply here to get you onto the final leg of your journey. First however may I see your luggage?”

I pointed to my suitcase and finally found enough voice around my dry mouth to say, “It’s been searched several times.”

Arrogant blowhard said, “That may be, but it has not been searched by me.”

I saw him take out a wand-like device and start to run it over the suitcase in a methodic manner. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked, “You think my luggage is tagged?”

Only paying rudimentary attention to me, like I was a trivial distraction, he said, “If not your suitcase then something you are carrying.”

I gave it a thought and then decided to take advantage of the opportunity. “Doubt it is the suitcase but I might have an idea. That thing won’t erase memory will it?”

He barely acknowledged me but then became interested when I pulled out the tablet and a few other things. “They made a big deal out of it being the next model with all the bells and whistles. I was going to find a scanner to run it through but if that thing really works …”

“Oh, it really works Miss, I assure you.” He was like a shark scenting blood in the water. His search revealed a chip in the tablet and one in each of the solar chargers. He disabled and removed both and then ran the wand over the rest of my pack and found one hidden at the base of one of the interior zippers. After another thorough double check he pronounced my gear clean.

“Too bad you can’t get this thing out of my head,” I muttered under my breath. Before I could take off I was going to need to deactivate the thing somehow since the idea of digging it out didn’t appeal to me.

He changed the settings on the device and said, “Actually I can.” He yanked my ear enough that I almost retaliated in kind but I had a feeling he wouldn’t be quite as easy to handle as Sgt. Jenner had been. The skin behind my ear felt like it was blistering but only for a moment. Then he smiled, again reminding me of a shark. “I can, but I won’t. I did however change the frequency. You don’t belong to SEPH any longer but to the Lupton Conglomerate.”

I did not like the sound of that. I was beginning to wonder as he continued. “No offense meant Ms. Noname, I’m sure you had nothing to do with it. Tags and bugs are all part of the game.” He made it seem like my mental capacity was below being able to comprehend what was going on. “The Lupton family has a lot of enemies.” I thought, well I wonder why. “This way please.” Refusal was not an option.

He grabbed my arm, not to hurt but firmly, and drew me through a crowd and then onto a private loading platform. The train car we entered was completely full of boxes at one end and there was no sleeping chamber. There was a plain serviceable seat arrangement towards the front of the car and that’s where he directed me. “You’ll be riding with the rest of the cargo. The trip lasts about twenty-four hours and then you’ll be taken by private conveyance the rest of the way to the ranch. Sufficient food for your needs is in that cooler. I’m going to lock you in and here you will remain until the car is unlocked by my associate at the other end. Should you attempt to leave the car before that time – not that it is possible – an alarm will sound and things will get unpleasant. Anything else I can help you with?”

His question was rhetorical because he turned and left before I could respond. As soon as he locked the door all but one of the windows shuttered themselves automatically with metal roll down blinds. I had light but a limited view. Going over my surroundings I saw that most of the shipping slips indicated that the boxes were full of clothing and household goods. The train pulled out as I was contemplating whether I should be angry or worried at riding “with the rest of the cargo.” I had a feeling my reception was going to be different from D&D’s.

My next concern was to see whether food really had been left for me. It had and I was pleasantly surprised that, although it was rich people’s picnic food, there was more than enough to keep me going and quite a few items to collect for my private cache. There were even some gift basket type things though I wasn’t sure if that was intentional or if they were simply left over from some other bit of cargo transportation experience.

I guess jerky and dried meat sticks are a common item out here in the Western region. That was the primary makeup of a gift basket that had already been rifled through but I took what remained. There was a candy basket that had really been worked over but the remainder I put into a cellophane rapper and tied shut before slipping it into my back pack as well. There were some packets of jams, jellies, and honey out of a forgotten condiment basket. A drawer located under one of the seats held a bunch of tea bags, powdered cream packets, hot cocoa envelopes, and instant decaf and regular coffee. In a plastic bag was a whole bunch of real and artificial sugar packets; I took the real stuff and left the other behind. Rifling through all of the other areas I managed to find packages of nuts, crackers, pretzels, and other salty snacks; a couple of single serving size cans of smoked salmon and some kind of pate’; paper goods up the whazoo; and even some packets of dried fruit bits, though they looked past their prime. Who cared? It was food. I also found a spare thumb print lock in a rack that held a few empty pieces of luggage. I packed away the found treasure and put the thumbprint lock on the zippers of the pack.

After that and finding the bathroom was adequate there was nothing left for me to do but wait. I ate a peanut butter sandwich that had some kind of expensive jelly on it and took out my tablet. GPS didn’t work but that could have been for any number of reasons. I couldn’t jump a Cloud signal so I leaned towards there simply not being a signal where we were or that the train was traveling too fast for my tablet to catch a signal. I noted that there were some security locked signals but I didn’t have the security key to access them; as I watched they changed often so it still told me it wasn’t necessarily intentional that I couldn’t hook up to the info highway. I was hoping to find out what I could about the Lupton family but it had only been a faint hope anyway.

I spent the rest of the trip trying to rest as much as I could. I’d learned to take my rest when and where I could and I wasn’t so sure that I wasn’t going to need all of my energy with the bizarre what events were beginning to play out.

I felt the train pull into a station about half way into the trip and then watched as the car I was in was detached and then reattached to a different, smaller engine that was only pulling about four cars from what little I could see. There were two other brief stops after that and then we pulled into the final station that appeared to be in the middle of a big, fat no place.

It was an hour before a dour faced woman unlocked the car I was in and she entered with two heavily armed guards. “This way.”

She seemed surprised when I didn’t heel like a good like dog. “I believe you understood the order.”

“I heard you. I’m simply not going anywhere until you identify who you are.” Deciding subterfuge would serve me better than temper I added, “I’m obligated to one Dawson Lupton. Until I have proof that you are his representative I’m not moving.”

One of the guards wanted to get nasty but the woman held up a finger and he fell back in line. The woman looked at me consideringly and then said, “The Assistant Security Director told you that you would be met.”

“Yes, by a colleague. Prove you are that and I’ll follow you.”

She arched her brow then sighed. “I take it you don’t watch much TeeVid.”

“Occasionally,” I admitted. “But none of the ridiculous vid rags if that is what you’re implying.”

Her mouth twisted. “Obviously.” She unclipped an ID from the inside of her jacket pocket and laid it on the top of the chair between us. I didn’t pick it up; no way was I going to give them a chance to tag my prints.

“Assistant to the Assistant?” I asked arching my brow.

“It’s a title. What’s important is the power behind the title.” If she was trying to intimidate me she wasn’t going to succeed. I’d realized something after being locked into the cargo car. Whatever was planned for me had either gone awry or wasn’t what I had been led to expect. I was chattel to these people, a means to an end, and nothing more. I only had value up to a point and it was a pretty low one apparently. D&D had no idea how good they had it.

Since no one offered to help I hefted my backpack onto my shoulder and pulled my suitcase along beside me as I followed Ms. Assistant to the Assistant to a waiting van … a cargo van. A small, smug twist of the lips told me someone was enjoying putting me in my place. I climbed awkwardly in and just managed to find some room to sit amongst the boxes and packages in the back of the van.

The ride to the “ranch” was a bumpy and hot one. Several times boxes fell over and onto me. The driver never even looked back to see if I was OK. Eventually I was dropped off at the rear of a large house and left to stand there. No one came out of the house. It was then I heard bellowing coming from an open balcony door.

A young woman’s voice said, “It’s too late Mr. Lupton. You know the law as well as my family does. I’m pregnant, Dawson is the father, that means that I can demand marriage and if he doesn’t he could go to jail for breaking the Fertility Directive.”

An older man’s voice snarled, “You scheming little wench, if you think that I’m simply going to watch my plans go up in smoke you’re as mindless as your mother is. You broke the law as well by interfering with a legalized Match. You’ll have that baby and then I’ll see you put in the Egg House.”

“Your grandchild will then be taken from you Mr. Lupton. The heir you want so badly. Besides, the banns have already been read in town and my mother has the announcement all ready for the paparazzi. Face it, you lose. Don’t you get it? Dawson and I are a golden couple, Romeo and Juliet … we can do no wrong and everyone is on our side.”

A young man with a bored voice whined, “If I have to get married one way or the other it isn’t going to be to some bat-faced street rat just because you arranged it. If it’s the money, just sell her to Morgan … you know his family has been trying to for ages to get one of those girls for him.”

 

[AlaskaSue]

One of my favorites…. <3 Glad you are sharing here!

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 6

I know it was stupid but for some reason the “bat-faced” comment really irked.

The older man tried to explain to his son, “Dawson, I can’t believe I fathered such an idiot. Do the two of you have no concept of what you have done? This isn’t something you can just sweep under the rug or buy your way out of. The contract with SEPH wasn’t my idea, your number simply came up. I negotiated the best deal I could get but it is still a SEPH contract, not merely a private one.”

The bored young man asked, “So?”

“So, the contract was signed six months ago and you both knew it. What’s worse, everyone knows you know it. You two numbskulls participated in that protest in Phoenix and the video of your pathetic plea for freedom and liberty for Fertiles went viral and in it, if you will recall, the two of you mentioned that you were already under contract … to other people, not each other. SEPH will use that to take the conglomerate over. And don’t look so uncaring you little wretch, they’ll go after your mother’s assets as well. Now sit down and shut up both of you. I’ve got to think.”

My rat senses were tingling like crazy. The only way out of a SEPH contract was if one or the other parties involved were found to have significant genetic abnormalities … or if one or both parties died. I wasn’t waiting around to see which option he decided to play. I picked up my suitcase and took off through the grass thanking my lucky stars that it was after quitting time. There was a barn ahead of me and I ducked in.

The first thing I saw upon entering was a pile of faded coveralls that looked like they’d just been shucked out of. Digging through the pile I found the one closest in size to me – in other words still way too big – and decided to change. After looking around I found an empty stall and stripped, pulled the foul, still-damp-with-someone-else’s-sweat material on and then zipped it shut. Next I quickly transferred what I could from my suitcase to the pack. The suitcase had remained practically empty since the beginning of the trip so there wasn’t much, and the pack was a large one.

The shoes I was wearing were completely unequal to an escape but there wasn’t a shoe store handy; I would have to find alternatives at some point but I wasn’t going back to the house to look. My main problem was the chip behind my ear. I had hoped for more time to find a way around what I was about to do but that wasn’t happening so I looked around for something sharp. I found a tool that looked like a box cutter in a chest, wiped it off, and then raised it to do what was necessary.

“Sterilize it first or you’ll be sorry.”

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I was so rarely snuck up on that it took a moment for my brain to catch up. A man was looking at me through a stall door with bars on it.

“They set Ident chips beneath the subcutaneous layer. It is a chip you’re after right? I’ll do it for you if you bring me those keys over yonder.”

I looked at the keys he indicated that hung on a nail by a work bench then back at him. Then a raggedy girl stepped from behind man. “Asa won’t jip you. You bring him the keys, he’ll take the chip out.”

Suspiciously I asked, “Before or after you two kill me?”

The girl just looked at me and deadpanned, “Neither if you help us to get out of here.”

I almost smiled. I smelled a rat … the good kind … but I couldn’t quite figure out why. It was coming off the man more than the girl for some reason. I didn’t know their game or their crime but Rat called to Rat and it was impossible to ignore that one had gotten caught in a trap. I shook my head. “I’ve been out of the game too long. I’m going soft,” I muttered.

I got the keys and threw them to him. He and the girl were out of there in seconds. “Come here and let’s get this over with.”

I handed him the box cutter but instead he grabbed a jacket from the wall, slipped it on and then took a pocket knife out of the inside lining. “This is going to hurt like a mother but you’ve got to hold still. Dove, pin her against the wall.”

“Dove,” I told the girl. “You don’t want to do that. I’ll be still and if I jump and lose an ear it will be my own fault.”

The man said, “Suit yourself.”

Oh yeah it hurt … but I’d hurt worse. Not often but I kept telling myself that a few of the falls and scraps that I had when I was on the street had to have been worse than what I was experiencing. I heard him say, “Dove hand me … yeah, that. Good find. Stow it with whatever else you find and be ready to run.”

I saw a tiny piece of plastic balanced on the end of his blade while the girl taped something behind my ear. He looked at me and said, “This is high tech, don’t see too many of these out here.”

I didn’t say anything and he flicked the plastic into a waste bin. “Keep it clean and don’t pick at it. It’ll be sore for a day or two but you should be OK unless it gets infected.”

I nodded and he turned to the girl named Dove. They headed toward the back of the barn and out a door and then I lost sight of them. Next it was my turn. By the time I got behind the barn they were nowhere to be seen but I wasn’t particularly looking for them either. I was more concerned about where I was going.

Basically I had two choices. I could head East or I could head West. East would take me back to the city and more people to get lost amongst; but it also meant that I would be closer to SEPH controlled territories. If I headed West I would get further away from SEPH and their plans for me but I’d be heading into the Wastelands. The cities would be familiar and easier for me to navigate but something – the smell of freedom perhaps – pulled me West.

I looked at the setting sun and knew that I wouldn’t have much longer to get away. Making sure that all was clear I started jogging. I stopped that real quick as the pain behind my ear became unbearable, even for me. I changed my gait to a ground eating walk, following the sun, praying for the first time in a long time that maybe … just maybe … there was a blessing out there somewhere for me.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 7

The furthest from the city I had ever been was the ‘burbs. What I was walking through didn’t bear even the slightest resemblance to the wildest, overgrown park I had gone into as a street rat. I figured out my first mistake even before the sun went down … water.

In the city and ‘burbs there was always places to find water. It collected in gutters, upturned junk on roofs and in yards, in concrete culverts and gutters. In the wilderness I found myself, if there was water it was hidden from me. The one thing I did remember was if there was green there was likely to be some water, I just wasn’t sure if it would be accessible to me.

I’d managed to go about five or six miles from the ranch when I reached an area full of evergreens and decided that it was as good as any to set up camp for the night. I found a stick and poked around beneath one that hung very low to the ground and, finding no prior occupants, crawled under it. The whole thing reminded me of trying to find a place in the city to flop that wasn’t already overrun with roaches, rats, mice, or something worse. I opened my pack and pulled out a sheet of rolled up of plastic, nearly brittle from lack of use, and spread it on the ground before sitting on it and pulling my pack close to my body. I also pulled out my sling shot. The plastic was an old shower curtain that I’d scavenged not too long before I had been tagged to replace an even older piece that had finally fallen apart. The sling shot belonged to my brother, I could barely remember his face these days, but so long as I had the sling shot and my father’s tool belt they were still part of me.

Trying to decide what to do next I realized it was time to put up or shut up. Being a street rat had given me some skills. I’d done extensive reading using my library pass at SEPH that gave me knowledge of more skills. But now it was time to see if I could really make it on my own like I had before I had been bagged and tagged. In the city there had always been things to scavenge. From what I read the same was true in the Wastelands if you knew where to go, what to look for, and knew what to do with it. But first I needed to find out where I was.

I pulled out my tablet and turned it on. I got a very faint signal so I turned the booster on; it ate up battery use so I didn’t like using it. That helped and I was able to get into the GPS system. I only wanted to be in there briefly so I could find out where I was and then I was going to get out and take the coordinates to a map program I had.

Oral, South Dakota. Where the heck was that?! I escaped from GPS and then opened the maps program. Oral, SD was exactly where I was afraid it was … nowhere. I knew where it was supposed to be on the map but it was nothing but a dot with no information in the middle of a vast bunch of even less information. The two closest points that I had information on were Hot Springs, SD and Buffalo Gap, SD. Now to decide which one to head towards.

There wasn’t much more information on Buffalo Gap than there had been Oral but worse, I had to head sharply north to get to it. I wasn’t ready to head north yet. North meant cold and that I didn’t need. Hot Springs was more promising. It was a city and it was west of Oral. And though I know that a lot of place names didn’t particularly mean what you thought they did I was hoping that “hot springs” meant there was plenty of water in the area. I did the calculations and if I followed the road I had about sixteen miles to go. If I didn’t follow the road it might be less miles as the crow flies but I was asked for trouble in the form of the landscape.

Thinking … thinking … thinking … Why did I even bother with the debate? Hot Springs, SD it was. Before it got completely dark I went through my back pack and organized it better. It was going to be too cold once the sun went down to make do with just the coverall I was wearing so I stripped again and put another shirt on. The skirts were useless so I didn’t bother. I took care of my feet – important whether you were a street rat or a mountain goat – and added socks.

I used my plastic sheeting and leaves and stuff from around the base of the trees to create a kind of hovel to crawl into. I shouldn’t have felt safe, but I did. The sound of the wind through the trees was soothing and I fell into a light sleep.

I woke to feel something crawling into my hovel. It reminded me of the mice and rats that I would share space with in the city but whatever it was walked different. It was on two legs as much as it was on four and it felt more curious than even the most curious mouse; bigger than a mouse too. When I felt whiskers in my ear I shot upright. Whatever it was leapt off of me, banged around looking for a way out and then, once it got outside I heard it scrambling up the tree and then a bunch of noise like it was barking at me.

The only thing that kept me from laughing was the fact that I had to go to the bathroom so badly laughing would have been a bad idea. I got outside and finally found what it was … a tree rat better known to most people as a squirrel. I should have been upset that it was already daylight but couldn’t seem to muster any anger. I was free … or getting there … for the first time in two years and it felt glorious.

I sobered up after eating a little honey as my breakfast. I looked around carefully before pulling the plastic out and rolling it up. I also redistributed the leaves and such that I’d used so there wasn’t an obvious pile of them. The squirrels in the surrounding trees really liked that and came down to investigate. Listening I heard nothing … no sign of pursuit … so I took off using the sun and a small ball compass to head me in the right direction.

As I walked I thought about what I needed to do. Shelter was important but I wouldn’t necessarily need permanent shelter until the autumn, which would give me time to investigate and find the best place to winter over. Food was important but I had a stash that would last me a couple of days. I decided that night I would read up on what wild foods could be found in this area of the country. Water was the most important thing at the moment. I had enough for the walk to Hot Springs but once there I would need to find more. I also needed to find a container to hold more than what would fit in the few bottles that I would empty as I drank during the day.

It took me a lot longer than I expected to hike the sixteen miles to Hot Springs. The road I followed was damaged and cratered and there were old wrecks both on and off the road every so often. I investigated a couple of these in the beginning but they were all clean as a whistle, obviously scavenged over long ago. The whole area was overgrown and I began to wonder if I would find anything once I got to Hot Springs as it became obvious that at some point along the way I had entered the Wastelands.

The term wastelands got me to thinking as well. Junker cars and beat up roads didn’t make for wastelands. As a matter of fact, I thought the cities must look more like wastelands than what I was seeing. You heard story after story – like the boogey man – on the TeeVid shows of all the outlaws, destruction, sickness, and radiation made the Wastelands uninhabitable. My reading had shown me that most of those stories weren’t completely true but I thought that where there was smoke there had to be some kind of combustion; but I saw nothing for miles in any direction.

The animals looked normal. I didn’t know about people because I didn’t see any and didn’t sense any either. My conscious whispered, but you didn’t sense that man and girl either. I refused to believe I was that rusty so that meant that the man at least had been that good, and he’d shielded the girl until she stepped around him. True or not there had to be some reason why people weren’t being resettled in the area I was traveling through.

Then I thought about the reasons given for retaking the cities. They wanted to move people back into them, so they said, so that distribution of resources would be easier. They needed to clear the farmlands so that enough crops could be grown so that our country wouldn’t have to buy any foreign crops. I suppose that makes sense but at the same time there is something there that bothers me, like that is only part of the truth and not all of it.

I suppose it could be a weather issue. It was May and pretty nice though it had gotten cool at night. “They” say that you roast and die of thirst in the summer and freeze and die of hunger in the winter. Looks like I was going to find out. From that point on I’d be taking all that I had read and heard with a grain of salt and getting firsthand knowledge; hopefully that wouldn’t kill me.

When I came out of the hills after bypassing a particularly bad wreck and landslide I found myself looking down at the town of Hot Springs, SD. It wasn’t as big as I thought it would be. By the standards I had always known it was a squirty little Podunk of a place. On the other hand, at one time it also looked like maybe it had been kind of ritzy. There were these big, old, stone buildings that reminded me of castles and lots of other old-timey looking buildings as well.

As I looked closer though I could see this town had been let to go to seed for several years. It was hard to tell if the economy did it or the war. The road into town was bad but the roads in the town just looked a little messed up. No yards were maintained and no matter how hard I strained my ears and other senses I didn’t get the sense that anyone really lived here anymore. There might be people around – it was hard to tell over all the nature that kept mucking up my personal radar – but I doubted there were many of them. What I did hear under the rustle of the trees was water and by that time I was pretty desperate.

I carefully hiked down into the town and tried to figure out where the water sound was coming from. I was getting frustrated when I saw an old tourist sign on the ground for something called Evans Plunge, “the world’s largest warm water” something or other; the sign was pretty well trashed. There was a piece of an address; 1145 North River Road. Whether it was the “plunge” or the “river” they both spelled water to me. And since a metal street sign not too far off proclaimed it to be River Rd I figured I had hit pay dirt.

Boy did I hit pay dirt, and it made me feel stupid. Apparently every time I got off the road getting to Hot Springs is when it got close to the river it was against; probably a good reason for all of the slides that tore up the road. Once I got into the town and saw the river … that went with River Road … I went down the bank and looked into it. It wasn’t very deep in places it wasn’t muddy either; in fact, it was almost perfectly clear. There were minnows easily visible in the shallow places so I decided to take a chance. I filled up my bottles, climbed up the bank, and then went in search of something to boil it in.

Most of the buildings had been stripped clear down to the studs in the walls or the lathing under the plaster, but I finally found an old beat up saucepan that someone had tossed because it had a broken handle in a small, roofless shop that looked like it used to sell homemade candles. Next I started looking for a place to spend the night that didn’t give me a view of the stars. I was investigating another trashed building when I heard a man yell.

I was prepared to run but didn’t when I heard him say, “Stop moving Rosie. As soon as I’ve got their attention I want you up that tree.”

A crying voice said, “Don’t leave me Asa … they’ll eat me!”

“They’ll eat you if I don’t draw ‘em off. Now be quiet!” Then the wind drew the sound of growling to me.

I told myself, “Gurl you are going soft … soft in the head! Don’t get involved! Run!”

Only I didn’t run, couldn’t. As a street rat I hated dogs. Feral dogs were the bane of my existence in the city. They weren’t like people; they could track you into the smallest hidey holes and they were small enough to scoot in there with you and chew you up. They ran faster than people did too. I stopped counting the number of run ins I’d had with feral packs but I couldn’t forget what I’d seen them do to those that couldn’t outrun or outsmart them.

I jogged towards the voices making my head feel like it was going to explode. Finally, I got to a vantage point and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was the man and girl from the barn – I didn’t figure there could be that many Asa’s in the world – and they were cornered by three large dogs. Two looked like they had Rotty in them because of their coloring and shovel-shaped heads. The other one looked almost purebred Doberman. Bad, bad, bad combination. It was the Doberman that was the obvious Alpha, if I could take him out maybe it would create enough confusion for the man and girl to get away.

But to do it I had to get closer. I edged down a steep incline trying not to get noticed by sticking to the trees. The wind was in my favor which helped. The girl was behind the man and turned when she heard some gravel but I quickly ran my finger across my throat to silence her. I had to work my way around until I found a good angle. I’d stayed in practice but even a good shooter needs a clear shot and I was having a hard time finding one; the dogs kept moving, trying to circle around and get behind the man and girl and he kept moving them so the dogs couldn’t do it.

I finally found a precarious perch that was the best I was going to get. Ammo for the slingshot wasn’t a problem as there were likely stones lying everywhere. The stone that I pulled back was a little over an inch in diameter, solid, and relatively round … nearly perfect for what I needed it to do. When I let go I was so close that I saw it pulp the Alpha’s eye before the dog even had a chance to sense it coming. I heard it give a satisfying yelp but didn’t get a chance to notice what it did after that.

Problem was that the when I let go there was just enough force that I shifted my center mass and that shifted my feet which shifted the loose dirt and gravel that I was standing in. I tried to grab a tree but all I got was a brittle branch that tore off as I twisted and fell. Not even my backpack stopped me from rolling and twisting down the fifteen feet of hill and fetching up hard against the concrete base of an old lamp post … right where the chip had been cut out. The pain flared and then I was floating.

The last thing I remember was thinking that at least I’d die free, but hating that it was going to be at the teeth of the hundred-pound dog that was barreling in my direction.

 

[Jeepcats27]

Great story! Glad you are working on it!

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 8 (Part 1)

I was cold. I mean really freaking cold. Then I realized why I was cold.

“Whoa! Hey! Slow down or you’re going to open up that gash again. Rosie! Sit on her!”

Rosie giggled and said, “If I woke up to some guy feeling me up I’d do my best to beat on him too.”

“I wasn’t … stop! … ouch! … wasn’t feeling her up! And you know it! Hey! That hurt! I’m only trying to wash the blood off of you so we don’t have any nasty visitors to come in the night and try and drag you off!”

That slowed me down. “Dang girl, them’s some sharp elbows and knees you’ve got.”

I heard Rosie giggle again. I was more interested in figuring out why I couldn’t open my eyes. My hand went up to my face and it was all sticky. The man said, “Don’t put your hands in it; I just got those fingers clean I’ll have you know.”

I hesitated and then slowly put my hand down but I used it to cover myself. I drew up to hide what I could. “It’s OK, there’s just me and Rosie. I figured under the circumstances you’d choose clean over modesty.”

I found my voice and told him, “Well I don’t. I … I want my clothes back.”

“They’re almost dry. They were dirty anyway and a dunk in the river hasn’t done them any harm. Now sit still and stop trying to emasculate me; I’m almost finished then Rosie can help you wash out your hair.”

He was right, he was almost finished and as soon as he finished getting my face clean he turned and walked out and said, “Rosie, give her a hand. I’m gonna try and get a signal.”

I looked at the raggedy girl and her smile faltered. “Asa didn’t … you know … touch anything he shouldn’t have. He isn’t that kind of guy.”

Looking at her I asked, “Is he your guy?”

“Is he …? Oh wow … no way … that’s ick … besides my mom would kill me and Daddy and Uncle Gill would skin him and cut his vital parts off and staple them to the outside of our cabin.” She giggled again and added, “But I would sure like to see Asa’s face if you ask him that question.” She was smiling again and got up and went over to a bucket. “It’s not cold but it isn’t exactly warm either. You might want to get your hair washed quick before the sun goes down all the way.”

I took my hair down and started unbraiding it and her eyes got really big. I looked at her and asked, “What?”

“Cool hair. How do you make it curl like that?”

“No clue, it’s always been like this as long as I can remember. I’d cut it short but it would only make it worse.”

She shook her head and said, “Oh don’t … cut it I mean. My sister Violet would give a body part if she had hair like that. How do you brush it?”

Rosie is one of those people that ignores boundaries and walls. She picked up a hank of my hair was petting it like it was something in a pet store. I’d never met anyone quite like her. I decided to distract her so that I could wash my hair with a little privacy. It was going to be hard enough to get my head in that bucket without sticking my bare backside in the air. “If Asa isn’t your … er … guy and he isn’t your father, and I assume he isn’t your brother, what are you doing with him?”

“Oh … that. Here, wrap up in this tarp and I’ll wash your hair for you.” I knew a change in subject when I heard one. I let her though because the sooner I got my hair washed the sooner I hoped to get my clothes back and then figure out how to get away. Moving around I knelt so that my hair could fall down into the bucket and in short order, with Rosie’s help, most of the blood was washed out.

“That gash where Asa took that thing out really bled nasty. And then Asa knifed one of the dogs and it kinda bled all over you too. I thought you were dead but Asa said you were just knocked out. Did it hurt?”

I just let her talk. It seemed like it was more important to her that I let her talk than that I actually answered any of her questions. When I sat up and finally got most of the water squeezed out Rosie took one looked and started laughing like she’d just seen the funniest thing she’d ever seen. I knew what she was looking at because I had been forced to live with it every day of my life. I looked like I had been blessed with a head full of long, brown, curly spaghetti. The curls start at my scalp and cascade all the way down to the ends that hit me right below my butt. One of the girls that had been friends with DJ all those years ago had warned me if I ever cut it short it would probably stand straight out from my head like springs from a ball point clicker pen. Refusing to believe her I’d tried to give myself bangs one time to keep the hair out of my eyes and it was a disaster. I looked like a mutant poodle.

But it was Rosie’s outsized reaction that really caught my attention and I realized something. Rosie was … different. Most of the kids her age that I had ever met were a lot more like little old people – like me – than the way kids supposedly used to be at that age. I suppose there were still some protected kids that were as innocent behind the eyes as Rosie was but I’d never met any … at least any that I could remember.

Asa stepped back into the firelight, I guess drawn by all the noise that Rosie was making. “Hush Rosie,” he said gently. I started to notice how he handled her, which was kind of different as well. He didn’t treat her like she was different but he did make allowances for how she saw things differently.

He looked at my hair and seemed to want to make a comment but then decided not to. Instead he said, “This stuff is dry but the coverall is still damp.” He tossed my shirts and undergarments at me. “You might as well wear one of them skirts from your pack.”

I immediately felt a burst of fury that he’d been through my pack and then I realized he’d gotten passed the finger print lock and I shut down. I don’t know why exactly; no that’s not true. It was just like when I was capture by SEPH, a complete invasion of privacy. I’d made a mistake, a really bad one. Had those two years at SEPH changed me more than I thought? Where were my instincts? I would need them to survive.

Something must have shown on my face or maybe Rosie sensed it. She patted my shoulder and said, “Don’t mind Asa. Busting tech is what he’s good at; that’s what got him into so much trouble with the people in the big house.”

Asa crossed his arms, “Yeah, what Rosie said. I didn’t take anything but I got some questions.”

I didn’t want to but I glanced briefly at his face and then stopped breathing. He knew. Somehow he knew. Of course he knew. If he’d been in my pack he would have seen the clothes – the “uniform” of the Fertiles that was always being blasted on the TeeVid, would have seen the tablet, would have seen everything. Did he take anything? The tablet? The slingshot? The tool belt?! My skin crawled with my effort not to let my panic take over and move me before I was ready. The desire to look for and in my pack was like a monster gnawing at me. My eyes flew all around until they settled on the beige mound near where I had woken up. Why hadn’t I looked for it before now?

My brain was on fire, my heart was beating so hard they had to hear it. I wouldn’t go back. I wouldn’t. They might go for the bounty of finding a Fertile but if I went back they would send me to the Egg House. I had to get away. Had to get away now.

I was ready to pounce and then run naked into the night when my vision was filled with Asa as he squatted down in front of me. If I hadn’t already been up against a wall I would have scrambled backwards but there was no place to go.

“Relax Gurl.” I realized he knew my name and it only added to my panic. “Relax, OK. I won’t stop you from running … but you don’t need to, don’t have to. I wouldn’t even recommend it but not for the reasons you might think. We’re still on the boundaries of the Wastelands. You come with us we’ll get you passed the worst of the … er … obstacles let’s call them for now. There’s safe places but not a lot of them.”

My heart had slowed down. Was it his voice? Was it that he was so obviously not touching me? Not trying to stop me? I told him, “Safe is nothing but an illusion. You live then you die, that’s all.”

He shrugged acknowledging without verbalizing it. Then he said, “It’s pretty obvious you aren’t ready to die, but are you ready to live?”

Then all three of us heard something; the hum of some kind of vehicle. I knew it was a vehicle but it wasn’t one I knew. Rosie thought she did. “Daddy!”

She jumped up to run out and Asa and I tried to grab her at the same time; I was faster and still managed to keep my vital parts covered by the tarp. She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “It’s all right. That’s my dad.”

He looked at me and sighed, “We’ll finish this later. Keep her in here while I make sure it is her Pop.”

I scrambled for my slingshot – I refused to be any more vulnerable than I already was. My nerves stretched taught but eventually I heard Asa call, “We’re coming in.”

I didn’t let go of Rosie until another man walked in and she shouted, “Daddy! Uncle Carmine! You came too!! Hurray!”

“Daddy” was a man that looked a lot older than he was. I could tell because I’d seen the same thing while I was on the street. But unlike many of the street people there was someone still home behind his eyes. They were joyful when they were on Rosie, respectful on Asa, cautious when they finally got around to looking me.

Rosie said, “Her name is Gurl. Look at her hair Daddy, isn’t it funny?”

It was “Uncle Carmine” that gave me the cold look. He was younger than Rosie’s father but harder. I recognized what he was right off the bat … an enforcer or sec boss of some flavor. His type had run me off too many times for me to not feel the fur stand up on the nape of my neck. He registered my feeling about him and in turn it made his distrust even bigger.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 8 (Part 2)

It became thick in the closed in space but in a surprise move it was Rosie that said, “Don’t Uncle Carmine. She saved us from the bad dogs and got hurt. Asa was fixing her and was trying to talk her out of running. You’re only making her want to run more. You’re using your scary eyes.”

She’d irritated him and there was no way I was going to let that dog snap at her so I drew his attention back to me. “Don’t bait a sec boss Rosie. Besides, I’ve outrun his kind more times than I can count. It takes a long time to get that high in the food chain and by the time they get there they start slowing down because they’ve got enough people to do the running for them.”

I heard Asa snort before saying, “Leave off Carmine. If you’re that anxious to get back then take Rosie and go.”

“Fine. Get your gear,” he growled, not at Rosie but at Asa.

Bad move. Asa’s ruff started standing up. “You don’t own me and you don’t tell me nothing.”

“You didn’t finish the job and I know for a fact Gill paid you up front because I told him it was a mistake to trust you. You gonna prove me right by welching Butcher?”

The questions I immediately had must have shown on my face because Rosie’s father said over the top of Rosie’s head, “It’s his name, not what he does. Asa Butcher.”

I looked at Asa and he got defensive. “I was born with it, blame my parents. Besides, better than Gurl Noname.” He prounced it No-name like it was meant.

Now it was my turn to get defensive. “I won’t answer to anything else so don’t even try.”

Rosie’s sweet voice asked, “Why?”

I can’t remember anyone ever asking me why. They berated it, condemned my stubbornness, made fun of me, gave in rather than deal with it but they’d never asked the simple question of why. I sighed and said, “I don’t have another name, at least not one I remember.”

Asa asked sharply, “You’re memory’s been wiped?”

“This isn’t science fiction. I … I just can’t remember any other name. Gurl is all I remember being called. The ‘Noname’ – most people pronounce it no-nam-mee – was the computer’s idea, not mine.”

Asa said, “You’re an Outbreak Orphan” at the same time that Carmine said, “You’re a street rat.”

I looked at them both and answered, “Yes.”

Carmine went all sec boss and started asking questions I had no intention of answering. I was ready to let him ask them until he was blue in the face and give him the silent treatment when Asa asked quietly but with a hard edge to his voice, “You stoogin’ for the government now Carmine?”

Rosie’s father decided it was time to step in and said, “That’s enough, both of you. The Wastelands are one of the last free places in this country. And even if this is well outside my brother’s area of influence you know how Gill feels about personal privacy.”

Carmine snapped, “Privacy is what got Rosie snatched Rob. How do we know this female isn’t another plant?”

My head was starting to pound and Rosie, who seems to be able to read emotions pretty well even if she doesn’t react to them like you’d expect, said, “Daddy, Gurl has a bad headache.”

Again I had no good place to squeeze into when Rosie’s father got into my personal space faster than I’d seen him move thus far. Rosie, sensing my distrust and discomfort said, “It’s OK, Daddy is a doctor.”

Rob said, “Used to be. Now I just do what I can.” He looked into my eyes and when he pronounced them clear he unknowingly brushed the place behind my ear making me jump. He grabbed my chin firmly, and handling me like he had experience with reluctant patients, turned my head so he could get a look. “Was there a chip implant taken out? Who the bloody blue blazes did this hack job?” he asked irritated.

Rosie said, “Asa, took it out for her because she got the keys for him. Only today a big concrete block ran into her.”

That necessitated an explanation to which Rosie added, “She was about to cut it out herself Daddy. Ew.”

Carmine had gotten a little too close and demanded, “What did you do to get tagged? What prison were you in?”

“You’ve answered your own question already. I’m a street rat, SEPH doesn’t need any other excuse.” Mocking a common commercial that showed several times a day on the TeeVid I repeated in a sing song voice, “Clear the cities and give them back to the citizens. Bag and tag, it’s just that simple.” I caught a warning look from Asa. I suppose he thought he was doing me a favor but I wasn’t that dumb.

Still fishing, Carmine said, “You sound too educated to be a street rat. All of those people in the inner cities are brain damaged from eating spoiled food and drinking bad water. They aren’t good for much and are just a drain on society.”

I laughed but it wasn’t a nice one. “Yeah, you sound just like a good little SEPH-bot.” Giving him as hard a look as he gave me I said, “Don’t be naïve. You really believe everything they say? They lie about everything. I notice you don’t trust them to govern you since you live out here in the Wastelands. Why should the cities be the one thing they tell the truth about? The truth is the people that work for SEPH lie so much that most of them have come to believe their own lies. They have to to keep believing in their ideology because if even one fallacy comes to light their house of cards falls and people have to start blaming something other than genetics for the mess the world is in. Genetics didn’t cause it and genetics isn’t going to fix it. That improving the genetic pool crap is just that … crap. They want power, not improvement.”

Rob gripped my arm briefly and then said firmly, “Enough Carmine. You may have talked Gill into letting you come with me to help get Rosie but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to let you abuse Gill’s rules, even outside his territory.” To Asa he said, “Your friend here has a nasty gash and she needs at least a day’s rest. No way is she fit to do a lot of walking. Come back with us. You can finish your job and my wife and I can say a proper thank you to the two of you for saving our Rosie. I know Gill will want to hear any news you’ve got about Lupton as well.”

I was not at all inclined to be dragged into whatever drama was going on. Rob and Carmine went out and Rosie followed them. Asa came over and sat by me. “I have to go back. Carmine is right about one thing, they paid me up front for repairing one of their main sec comps – security computer – and my reputation is on the line. But I don’t want to leave you out here alone, not ‘til you are on your feet. It’s not a bad deal they’re offering. Roof over your head, three squares, and your own bed … at least for a day or two until you get the lay of the land. You’re gonna need that; people are funny out here about their territory. Even better is that Cargill is a decent guy and runs things by the Constitution which is more than a lot do.”

The idea of getting some idea of where I could go or who I might have trouble with was tempting. The Wastelands sounded like it was going to be just as complicated as the city only on a bigger scale. On the other hand, running was still upper most in my mind. Sensing this Asa added in a voice only I could hear, “About the rest of your … er … history. I … I wouldn’t say anything more than you already have. And I’d wear that coverall even if it is still damp in places. And keep that stuff in your pack out of sight. Not a lot of Vid feed out here but there’s enough … and what people don’t know for sure they like to make up in gossip.”

Cautiously, admitting nothing, I said, “If there was something to see Rosie would have already seen it.”

He smiled and said, “Yes … and no. Rosie is color blind; from birth. Colors mean nothing to her so what she might have seen wouldn’t register with her like it would someone else. Come on, whaddya say?”

Irritated I told him, “Stop being friendly. I don’t have friends. I don’t want friends.”

He shook his head. “That might have worked in the cities but you won’t make it in the Wastelands without at least one or two.”

“How do you know I’m not some … some plant like that guy Carmine said? How … how do you know … know …”

He shrugged. “I’m a fairly decent judge of character. For instance, I can tell you Carmine is a jackass, but he’s loyal to Gill to a fault. That’s his only real problem, but Gill just recently figured it out. Carmine doesn’t have the objectivity a guy in his position needs. Gill has him paired up with a manager back at the ranch and it balances his authority but out here away from Gill’s influence, Carmine is all bull and horns and damn the china shop. That doesn’t make him a bad guy but it does make him one you want to walk careful around. For another instance, I know you were a street rat at one point … your mannerisms are too true to be something you are just playing at … but that’s not all you are.” He sighed. “You’ll hear it so I might as well go ahead and tell you, I was busted for hacking when I was a kid … this was before the Outbreak. I thought I was going to save the world from itself only I found out the group I was involved with actually was string pulled by groups that had the exact opposite in mind … but not until after it was too late. I’ve spent my time on both sides of the law and gotten to know all kinds of people, including street people. I can tell you’ve spent time on the street but you don’t seem like you’ve got too many obvious short circuits. You’ve either been cleaned up or there’s more to you … or a combo of the two. And given the other issue we aren’t talking about, my guess is that there’s more to you if they tried to place you with Lupton’s group.”

I muttered, “Mind your own business.”

He smiled, “Sure. And I know how to keep my mouth shut too. But I am curious and I like to satisfy my curiosity. I don’t like itches I can’t scratch and for some reason you’re turning into a big itch. So, help us both out and just say yes. I’ll scratch your itch if you’ll scratch mine.”

I gave him a look that would have burnt sidewalk and he blinked and then said, “Whoa, that … uh … didn’t come out exactly right. I just meant …”

Rob stuck his head back in and interrupted with, “Asa, I can’t hold him much longer and I really need to get Rosie home to her mother. Are you coming or not?”

Asa looked at me and I rolled my eyes and muttered to him, “Give me the coveralls … and forget about this scratching business. I’ll tell you what I tell you when I tell you and not because you asked me to and not because you itch. If you have fleas go get dipped.”

He nodded and said, “Fair enough. You need some help?”

“Back … off,” I snarled. “Are you brain damaged?”

He chuckled, “I’ve been accused of it a few times.”

With that the two men left and I scrambled out of the tarp and into the coverall, stuffed the rest of my crumpled things into my pack – just holding it settled my nerves some – all the while calling myself three kinds of fool. First rule of the street is never get involved and I’d broken it so many times the past two days it’s a wonder something worse than nearly being dog kibble hadn’t happened to me.

I had to figure out how to put the brakes on this bizarre turn my life was taking before I lost traction and went over the edge and wound up a fiery mess on the rocks below.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 9

Rosie was all but asleep on her father’s shoulder when I came out dressed in the coverall – yeah, it was damp in uncomfortable places but I’d been a lot worse off in my time – and my pack over one shoulder. Our “ride” was a four-seater off road buggy. The tires were fat and attached to a frame that had all-wheel suspension. It was little more than a metal frame with canvas skin except for its motor that was a dual purpose electric/fuel model. On top sat several small solar collectors that charged the motor and gave it its quiet and distinct sound.

And no I didn’t know all of this at first glance, machines aren’t my thing; I had to listen to Asa explain it all to me from where he road shotgun up front while Rob and Rosie and I squeezed into the two seats in the back. Eventually though Asa stopped talking as the night settled in around us on all sides.

Driving as fast as we were going with no lights was making me nauseous; it was like rappelling down elevator shafts with people after you, running level to level in underground parking lots, or trying to avoid predators in the storm drains. Probably like living all the time down in the subway tunnels but I’d never been scared enough or dumb enough to hide down there more than twice; there’s things down there that will eat you from the toes up and not all of them are four legged.

Rob must have sensed my discomfort because he said, “It’s all right. He really can see you know. He and Asa are both wearing night vision helmets. Asa is the one that fixed the depth perception problem they used to have, and it is only minor now.” Great. I could have done without knowing that.

The night seemed endless and I lost track of how far we travelled and how many different twists and turns that we made. The buggy started to noticeably slow and Carmine started muttering and slamming the dashboard. “You break it and I’m not going to be the one to fix it this time,” Asa finally snarled at him.

Finally, the sun came up and as soon as it hit a certain angle I could feel the power pouring back into the machine. But it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t soon enough. Carmine really started cursing when a road block appeared suddenly after we made a blind turn.

We pulled to a stop and in the resulting quiet a man said, “Well, well, well look who we have here … and so far from home too.” The speaker was a nasty looking piece of business with dirty blonde hair, bad teeth, and an attitude twice the size of his massive body. “And look boys, they brought us some toll candy.” Masculine laughter bellowed and I could tell it wasn’t the first time they’d made that joke.

Rosie was terrified. I could feel it coming off of her in waves. Rob, so easy going and nice up to that point, suddenly felt dangerous; like the apes that had lived over in the park that surrounded the old zoo. I had no doubt he would pound on any threat to his child. Carmine was coldly appraising, Asa calm and watchful.

I had my pack in my lap and holding onto it tight with one hand while the other was hidden beneath it holding onto my slingshot with a death grip. I watched as two other men made themselves plainly seen though they weren’t as big as the first guy.

My brain started categorizing the scene like I had learned to do on the streets. First guy to talk was the alpha. Next two guys dangerous, intimidating … but just worker bees, easy to lead. Big Alpha Dude was only alpha because there was no one smarter around. He ruled by might, not by intellect. I could tell by the way he relied on his bulk to intimidate that he was a bully and not a brain. Vehicle blocking the road is a four-seater. No other vehicles in sight. That means there is one, maybe two guys, that are hidden. They weren’t surprised when we came around the corner – already had their rifles drawn and ready – so one of the unseen was the spotter.

My peripheral vision is very good. Without having to turn my head I saw a bush move a little and then saw a man making his way slowly through the hillside scrub above and to our right using rock outcroppings as cover. Here was the spotter … and one with no qualms about shooting people in the back.

When the Big Alpha Dude’s nod sent the two worker bees forward the whole dynamic suddenly changed. I felt Rob tense and saw Carmine and Asa going for handguns in the doors of the buggy. The worker bees started to raise their rifles, Asa and Carmine pulled the pistols out of the holsters. I decided to pick a side and it wasn’t the one belonging to tall, blonde and ooky. As Carmine and Asa got the pistols above the dash board I rolled out and onto the ground, grabbing a couple of stones from the old road bed. Rob laid Rosie over and protected her with his body and I came up loaded and cocked just as the guy on the hill revealed himself. I left fly with a solid thunk that took the spotter right in his temple. I loaded and cocked again and turned towards the Big Alpha Dude. I wasn’t completely set, being a little out of practice aiming on the move, and I only caught him in the mouth but that was damage enough to seriously distract him, long enough for Asa and Carmine to finish off the worker bees. Big Alpha Dude tried to take aim again and Carmine finished him off with a shot to the head.

As soon as that was finished I ran for the back of the truck and started tossing things out all willy nilly. Asa shouted, “Hey! What are you doing?!”

I stuck my head out of the canvas covered back and looked from him to Carmine. It sounded like the sec boss was being forced to drink battery acid but he said, “Leave her go. She’s right, we don’t need this getting traced to us. Make it look like a pack of raiders snuck up on them. Help me strip these guys down so we can get out of here.”

Pointing I told them, “Don’t forget the guy up there.”

They both jumped like they’d been goosed. I’d caught the spotter before he could get off a shot and I don’t guess they had realized he was there. Carmine did some fancy cussing but he climbed the incline and dragged the guy down from where he was hung up under some scraggly bushes. I left them to it and went back to work. I might have been tossing things around but that didn’t mean I wasn’t doing it with a purpose. When I was finished Carmine caught me by surprise, pulled me backwards out of the truck and asked, “OK, what’d you take Rat?”

I jerked out of his reach and told him, “Ball bearings, a tube of grease, some funky rope, a knife, wire strippers, and a big screwdriver.” I figured he was likely to frisk me if I gave him half a reason to so as much as I wanted to kick him I didn’t.

He came towards me to shake me down and I backed up ready to fight but Rob said in a resigned voice, “Carmine, let it go.”

“She could have the gold or silver. I don’t know what she found and what she didn’t.”

I sneered. “I don’t care what you think but I have more sense than to try and carry stuff like that around. It weighs too much and you can’t eat it and everyone will just try and hunt you down and kill you to take it from you. If you want to bother with it go ahead, it’s probably in the metal box behind the driver’s seat; it looks sec locked.” I purposefully ignored him at that point and told Rob, “There’s a first aid kit and some food in a crate in the back.”

I don’t know why but Carmine suddenly just relaxed, “What were you hoping to find?”

Still suspicious about whether it was a trap or not I nevertheless responded truthfully, “Clothes that would fit.”

Carmine nodded and then hopped into the back of the truck and started digging through the mess I had already made. I sighed and could have kicked myself for warning, “I didn’t see any sleeping gear. They may have a camp close by.”

Asa said to me, “You aren’t exactly walking around with a plethora of camping stuff yourself you know.”

“Right, but these guys aren’t rats … something tells me they’re too soft, or maybe used to comfort, to sleep on a piece of plastic on the ground.”

Asa looked at Carmine and Carmine at me. “Fine, fine. Whatever. You are what you say you are Rat. And you’re right; but they wouldn’t be camping out. We are less than half day’s drive from Firewater and these guys are probably a patrol. The blonde looks like the kind of merc that Dabney favors. Guy you took out – and you’re gonna show me how a little bit of nothing like you did that with just that stupid rubber band you’ve been playing with – is definitely one of Dabney’s. I’ve seen him a couple of times. If you’re looking for clothes, take his pack. He’s the closest in size to you.”

I upended the pack he indicated. I looked at the spare set of clothes and decided that they’d be better than the coveralls. A little narrow in the hips, too big in the waist, and the shirt completely swallowed me but with a little work they’d do. When I tossed the pack with everything else still in it back on the pile Asa and Rob were going through Rob said, “You took him … by rights the whole pack and contents is yours.”

People like him were too nice to be let out without a keeper and that’s probably why his brother had agreed to Carmine going with him to get Rosie. I shrugged, “I travel light; always have. What’s the use in collecting stuff if you can’t hold it and take care of it? It just weighs you down.”

The men loaded a few things into the buggy and we were finally on our way. I caught Rosie staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I slowly turned to look at her. She smiled and despite myself I gave her a small smile back. My small one caused her to beam and that seemed to be all she wanted. She snuggled up to her father and I saw that he was more than willing to play teddy bear.

I jumped as a memory chinked into place. I couldn’t really remember how old I had been but it was raining outside and I was sitting in my dad’s lap. I felt … safe … and loved; I almost didn’t recognize what I was feeling. It was just a flash but it was more than I had remembered in so long it took my breath away. I rode the rest of the way in silence and didn’t care what anyone thought.

I kind of noted how Carmine waved a couple of times but we never stopped. Then we left the old black top and hit a gravel road that took us into a small town that looked like the buildings were left over from an old western movie set. The buggy had slowed to a crawl as we drove down the street then around the corner and up to a tall stockade wall. A woman rushed out of the gate and Rosie and Rob nearly fell out of the buggy trying to run to meet her. They walked off arm-in-arm without a backwards glance.

I turned only in time to see Asa being hauled away by some people slapping him on the back and laughing. That left Carmine and I saw he was talking to a couple of other people that had his full attention. I mentally shrugged and figured it was the end of the line and set the pack more easily and started walking back down the street to go out of town. A few people gave me a curious glance but mostly they minded their own business; that was kinda nice I have to admit. I felt free to walk where I wanted to and I hadn’t felt like that in a long time.

The only problem with people leaving you alone to make your own decisions though is that you have to make your own decisions. When you make the wrong decision you only have yourself to blame. I read someplace that with freedom comes responsibility and consequences; as a slave you don’t have any responsibility for yourself and your decisions.

As I walked, or in this area I suppose you would have called it hiking, I thought about freedom. The call of the Street Rat was freedom; it was the one thing that was supposed to make our life livable. We thought of ourselves as ultimately free as you could get. But after I lost my freedom to SEPH I realized I wasn’t as free as I thought I was as a Street Rat. As a Street Rat I lived in anarchy; anarchy is not really freedom. Anarchy is a lack of order and control, freedom is the opposite so long as it is chosen order and chosen control.

In SEPH they took away what freedom I did have and tried to substitute it with something that was only an illusion of freedom; if I did all I was told to do then they would place me with someone that they chose and I could serve my purpose to society. My choice was to serve my purpose or not serve my purpose … but it was at the whim of society, not really true freedom where I got to choose what that purpose was. My personal desires, wants, and needs had nothing to do with it and because of that the other part of freedom wasn’t there … personal accountability. If someone else is choosing your purpose, then how can you be personally accountable for the choice?

Frankly it all gave me a headache. I wanted freedom … something inside me craved it … but I wasn’t real sure I yet knew what freedom was since I had never fully experienced it. I felt that I was closer in the Wastelands but I wasn’t sure that I was there quite yet.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 10

I had a hard time deciding what to do but I eventually found a place to bed down for the night and set up a camp. I spent hours after that with my tablet reading a couple of the books I had downloaded.

When I had been told that I was matched and that it was going to be somewhere in the Outlands I had really focused my downloading on that area of the country and also on different parts of the Wasteland in the hopes that one day I could escape in that direction. I knew that as a Fertile I could be pregnant or have a child by the time I could escape so I knew that having the tools to survive would be important. Primary would be food, water, and shelter.

Shelter was going to have to wait. The weather was such that I could sleep outsides. It was in the 70s during the day and the 40s at night; I could do that all day long. Water was a big deal but I found a little drip coming off of a lichen covered place in a rock wall and I’d seen bigger water in the form of streams but there had been people around them. I put an empty bottle under the drip to catch them and filled my bottles as I thought about the last part of what I needed; food.

The ebooks I was paying the most attention to were the “Edible plants of …” type books. I had a little time before it really got dark and found my first edible food; something called curly dock. It was also supposed to be called wild rhubarb but that meant nothing to me because I’ve never tasted regular rhubarb, or I don’t think I have. All the recipes called for other things to be added to it but basically the leaves were edible raw and that’s how I consumed them.

Well I’ve certainly eaten worse. The leaves had kind of a lemony, bite-me kind of taste. When I first became a street rat I ate a lot of weeds just trying to fill my stomach when I couldn’t find anything in a dumpster. I got a little spoiled at SEPH but I realized if I could continue to find things like curly dock I could certainly survive … assuming I could find small animals that I could hunt.

In the city the two most common small animals were rats and pigeons. Dogs were eaten by some people but dogs creeped me out and I had only eaten dog meat a couple of times, and only because I was desperate. Rats too, but if you could catch a couple of rats and you put them in a cage and waited until the inevitable babies were born and you fed the babies the right stuff while they were growing big enough to eat then it was like raising chickens, or close anyway. The same thing was true of pigeons. But you had to be able to feed them. I didn’t figure this out by myself but by watching and listening to other street rats and other street people. My plan was to people-watch here and see how they were getting set for the winter and then follow what they did. I would have to be careful but it can be done.

In the morning I got up, packed up camp and headed out with my tablet looking for other edible plants. I found the following plants that tasted half way decent: Canada thistle, lamb’s quarter, dandelion, chickweed, burdock, amaranth, wild spinach, mallow, purslane, and wood sorrel. I considered it a good day, but I was almost hungrier after grazing all day than if I had sat under a tree somewhere and done nothing. I was determined to have something more substantial for dinner.

I’d had a couple of squirrels try to get into my backpack where I sat near a rock eating. It had been kinda funny after I got over the irritation with them for startling me. I had kept the area in mind and went back with my sling shot. It took a little bit because that late in the day the tree rats had stopped squirreling around so much but eventually one foolish fellow did let me take a whack at him and I was gratified to find my aim was returning to its previous accuracy. I couldn’t shoot a gun, didn’t have one and had only done it once in my life anyway, but I could pop a squirrel at forty feet with a metal washer.

Tree rats or regular rats, they both skinned and cooked about the same but I have to admit the tree rat tasted better. I threaded the carcass on a stick and roasted it over a small fire. I ate my dinner and then got drowsy. I’d learned to listen to my body and went off to my new camp … which meant climbing up the tree about twenty yards away from where I had cooked. One of the books I had looked over said that there were large cats in the area and I’d already seen that feral dog packs were alive and well in the Wastelands. I wasn’t sure how you protected yourself from a big cat but I figured camping up in a tree had to be better than being a target down on the ground.

I strung a hammock in some top branches and soon was hard asleep still building up my stamina. I woke up right before the sun came up to voices beneath me.

“What do you mean she just disappeared?!”

“I’m sorry Boss, she was here … and there’s the left over from the fire she had to prove it. Someone needs to teach her to hide it better, any real tracker will find it and …”

“Fine, but I don’t need a book on it. I want to know where the girl is.”

“Don’t know Boss. Don’t see no drag marks or blood so doubt she got et by anything. And ours are the only tracks in the dew.”

Looking over the edge of the hammock I tried to see through the branches and the pre-dawn dark. I recognized Carmine’s voice but not the other man’s. I could have easily called out but I decided to wait and find out what they wanted.

“How the bloody freakin’ blue blazes did that girl just vanish?!”

“Don’t know boss,” came the laconic reply of the other man. “But Butcher is gonna birth kittens when he finds out. What’s he so worried for her ‘bout? Seems like she’s doin’ just fine and don’t wanna be found. If she were a boy child no one would be making this much noise.”

Carmine took off his hat and scratched his head and then snorted, “Well she isn’t a boy, she’s a girl. And if Asa wants her … he isn’t going to pay any attention to the blasted tech until we drag her back.”

“What if she don’t wanna come? We … we ain’t talkin’ about bustin’ the rules or nothing are we Boss?”

Putting his hat back on he told the man, “No, if the girl doesn’t want to come I’m not going to force her, not even for Butcher, but I hope she’ll see reason and at least come put Butcher straight. I’ve never seen him this worked up over anything but a machine.”

The man gave a very male laugh. “’Bout time he noticed something besides tech junk. But when some o’ them women back at the settlement find out they ain’t gonna be too happy that he started noticing someone else besides them.”

In disgust Carmine said, “You don’t need to tell me that. I swear if people were this curious why in the Sam Hill didn’t they stop her before she took off out of town?”

I’m not normally a talker. In fact, I normally don’t want to have much to do with people period. But some imp got a hold of me and I said down to the men below, “You two make more noise than a tree full of squirrels. Some of us are trying to sleep you know.”

The man I didn’t know jerked his head up and after getting over being startled started laughing like I’d made a good joke. Carmine was a lot slower to look up and I could tell he was about ready to strangle me. “Do you know how long we’ve been looking for you?”

“No. Why? Does someone think I stole something?”

Carmine was not in the mood. “Gurl, get your butt down here right now. I ought to paddle you so you can’t sit proper for a week.”

I was tempted to say make me and he must have realized his comments had been counterproductive because he added, “Asa Butcher is a mess and we can’t get a lick of work out of him. What did you do to the man?”

“Nothing. I haven’t got the foggiest why he’s so bent.”

“Well, come back to the settlement so he’ll get his head out of his backside. I’ve got real work to do and it doesn’t include hunting up a sassy mouthed street rat that don’t have the manners to at least say good bye so people won’t worry about her.”

For lack of anything better to do that day I folded the hammock and came down but I had to get my dig in. “Aw Carmine, I didn’t know you cared.”

Carmine looked like he had tasted the same alumroot I had the previous day. The other man said, “My, my. You do like to poke the bear doncha. Names Porter, Bill Porter.”

I nodded and said, “People call me Gurl.”

“That’s what I heard,” he said with a grin. “Best get on back to the horses before Jake thinks somethings done happen to us.”

I stopped. “What do you mean horses?”

Carmine snapped, “Horses as in four legged animals that we ride. But we’re riding horses, you Missy can ride the pack mule.”

“I prefer to walk.”

“And I prefer that my work not get interrupted by flibberty jibbets like you but since I don’t get what I want you don’t get what you want. Now move it before I toss you on and tie you down.”

Actually riding turned out to not be too bad except I didn’t understand why they had to be quite so tall. It was a long way down from saddle to ground and with every step it felt like I was going to fall off. The ride was long enough that I got tender in spots too, even worse than the few times I’d ridden a bicycle in the city.

We came to the city by a different route so I didn’t have to run the gauntlet of main street but Carmine had radio’d ahead and when we got to the corral and stable where the horses lived Asa was there waiting.

“What were you thinking?! Just walk off, not even saying good bye! Coulda been killed a million different ways … or worse! You ever think maybe I wasn’t done with you?!!”

Thinking that a dunk in the trough would cool him off I nearly dumped him in. Instead for some strange reason the same imp that got into me earlier in the day was still riding my shoulders. “One, what I think is none of your business. Two, I was left standing in the middle of the street so I figured you were done with me. Three, I’ve been living on my own for ten years and have lived to tell the tale. Four, why the heck would you care if I took a diver and bought it anyway? And five did you ever think maybe I was done with you?!”

Asa’s mouth was just kind of flapping in the wind, but no sound was coming out. About that time Rosie skipped over and said, “Aw, don’t be mad because he’s acting like a guy; he was worried about you. Daddy was too but Uncle Carmine said they were both crazy and that more than like instead of a cougar eating you you’d have it for dinner. Where’d you sleep? What did you eat? Did you see a cougar? Was it fun?”

I don’t know what it is about Rosie but she just kind of drains the mad off of you. I told her, “Asa’s crazy and how am I supposed to know what crazy people think? As for where I slept, the first night was between two big rocks and last night I slept in a tree which seems to have irked Carmine for some reason.” I heard Porter cough to cover a laugh. “And as for what I ate, lots of weeds and stuff except for dinner last night I ate squirrel. I was going to try fishing today but got side tracked because apparently Asa is too distracted to fix something he is supposed to be fixing.”

She nodded, “Oh he is. After you left he tried to fix one of the engines and kept busting his knuckles and banging his head on stuff then got real mad and threw a hammer and swore he wouldn’t fix anything else til you was found. Uncle Gil sent Uncle Carmine to hunt you down.”

Asa was still trying to come off angry and righteous but the red creeping into his face told me he was embarrassed. I looked twice and then a third time to make sure I was seeing it. He finally snapped, “What are you looking at?”

“I don’t know. You’re the one that’s acting weird. So … anyway you’ve seen I wasn’t devoured by a mountain lion, bear, or tore apart by coyotes and that I’m not lying in a ditch some place starving to death. You satisfied?”

Before Asa could answer a woman bustled onto the scene and said, “I hope he is. He’s been going crazy and as a result Rob and Gill have been driving me crazy asking fool questions about why females do certain things when they know it will get their menfolk in a knot.”

I gave a horrified squawk. “I don’t have menfolk. I’m not even sure I want menfolk … ever. And what did I ever do to make anyone believe that Asa was anything more than … well … whatever he is? Ask him why men are so bizarre. I met him less than a week ago and he’s acting like he’s my long lost brother or something.”

The woman whom I presumed was Rosie’s mother and later found out I was right said, “Well, put that way I can see your point. I tell you what, come let Rob look at your ear so he’ll shut up about it and stay for dinner and let us thank you properly for saving Rosie.”

Nice people drive me batty. They make up their minds to do something for you and getting away is like trying to pull a bunch of hitchhikers off of your shoe laces. Carmine saved my pride though by saying, “Aw, might as well get it over with Gurl. They’re the type that will just keep on at you and the longer you put it off the more they want to be in your business. Besides I promised myself I was gonna see you do some shooting with that sling shot of yours and after lunch is as good a time as any.”

Even after all of that it was Rosie’s pleading eyes and her heartfelt, “Please!” that did me in. I don’t know when I turned into such a soft touch. The only excuse I have is that telling Rosie no would be like pulling the wings off a butterfly and I was hard, but not that hard anymore apparently.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 11

Carmine smirked and said, “Just give it up Gurl. Everyone around here has had to suffer the kindess of Gill’s family at least once. But make no mistake, they’ll kick your backside if they think you are a threat to their community. And you don’t want to know what I’ll do to you if you mess with Gill and his family. Just watch you p’s and q’s.”

Carmine reminded me of what my life really was. I had been letting myself equate freedom with friendship. It wasn’t. I did need to “watch my p’s and q’s.” For one I didn’t know these people from Adam. I had no idea what kind of burden their “thanking me” was going to bring to bear on my plans. For two, I had no idea what Asa meant by he wasn’t done with me. That implied he wanted something or expected something from me. For three, this whole “friendliness” thing was creeping me out. How many different ways does a person have to say they don’t want friends? Perhaps it was past time I returned to silence. I told myself, just get through this, let them sate their curiosity and then I could be on my way. It was easier to say it than do it.

At SEPH it had been every man for themselves … or woman, female, girl, whatever; I’m sure it was the same at the facilities that held the males and possibly worse because of the hormonal drive of the male to pass along their DNA. We were always being played off of one another. The common wisdom was that competition built character and made us stronger. And it did to a certain extent, but I’m pretty sure some of the staff just got off on seeing us fight and claw for a piece of anything too.

Rosie ran ahead to tell her sisters leaving me with her mother. “My name is Carlene. Is … is your name really Gurl?”

I nodded.

“Rob and I want to thank you for saving our daughter.”

I wanted to just shrug it off but I couldn’t. “I don’t know why people keep saying that. Asa is the one that saved her. I just happened to cross their paths twice.”

“Asa said you would say as much.”

I wanted to growl what the heck business was it of Asa’s what I said and what I didn’t. Instead I remained silent.

“Hmmm. I heard you yell … uh … tell Asa that you’ve been on your own for ten years. You don’t look old enough to have been on your own that long.”

I replied with as few words as possible. “Outbreak. Street Rat.”

“Oh.”

Yeah. I was curious to see what she would make of that.

“So, how old are you?”

“They say I’m seventeen. I don’t know for sure.”

Another pause. “You were quite young when your parents … family …”

She was fishing and I wasn’t biting. “All Outbreak Orphans that became street rats were young. If they were old enough they joined the adult gangs or were drafted by the military. I thought that was common knowledge.”

Looking disturbed she admitted, “Well, yes … yes of course it is. We aren’t completely out of the loop out here in the Wastelands. I’ve just never met a real street … er …”

I shrugged again. “Street Rat. That’s what I am and I’m not ashamed of it so stop worrying you’re going to be rude or hurt my feelings. Better to call a person or thing what it is.”

“Hmmm … well this isn’t the city. You don’t have to be a street rat here.”

“Being a street rat isn’t my job Carlene or a hobby that I can decide to do or not do. A street rat isn’t just what I do it is who I am.”

Kindly she tried to offer, “People escape to the Wastelands to get away from who and what they are all the time.”

“I came to the Wastelands not to escape what I am but so that I could be free to be what I am.”

I’m not sure what she would have said to that because we’d arrived in front of a log home that looked like some picture out of the old vacation brochures you could find online if you looked. There were several girls in the yard all older than Rosie and a couple of those were older than me as well.

Rosie said, “This is Violet, she’s the oldest.” A young woman in her early twenties stood her ground like she was prepared to defend her family to the death. I wasn’t sure if that was her normal self or if she viewed me as some kind of threat. Rosie added, “You gotta show her your hair. Hers stays as flat as a pancake no matter what she does to it.”

Violet was not pleased and neither was I but I hid it rather than hiss at Rosie to stop being a brat like a couple of her sisters did. The next girl down was Lily, she was older than I am too and even though Rosie said Violet was oldest I would have pegged Lily and the sister named Jasmine to be the oldest two. Iris and Daisy were just a little younger than me then there was a gap of years before Rosie who turned out to be twelve though I would have never guessed her to be that old.

“There’s two brothers too. Ash is a year older than Violet and he’s married and has a place of his own. He works with Uncle Carmine. Rowan is my twin and he works with Daddy at the clinic.”

I had a hard time computing that. Of all the things I’d never thought about Rosie having a twin. Carlene broke in, “Girls, we’re going to take our meal over to your Uncle Gill’s place so everyone grab something and come on.”

Rosie volunteered me to push a wheelbarrow of full of bread and table linens. I could tell that Rosie was just about to jump in with the bread when Violet snapped, “Rosie! Don’t you dare!”

For the first time I saw Rosie be less than nice. The bottom lip came out and she stuck her tongue out at Violet and then stomped off to be with her mother where she promptly went back to a good mood. Violet dropped back to walk with me and said defensively, “Rosie is … a little different.”

I shrugged and said, “Nothing wrong with being different.”

When Violet saw that I meant exactly what I said she relaxed. “You haven’t asked, most people do.”

“Ask what?”

“What made her that way, or are you assuming that it is living here in the Wastelands that did it.”

I shrugged. “Either way it’s none of my business.”

That took the wind out of her sails. After a second she said, “When Rosie and Rowan were six there was an Outbreak epidemic. Everybody in the house caught it. We had a brother named Linden that died and when Rosie got well … she never really was the same. Dad says the fever did something to her brain.”

I shrugged again. “Like I said, nothing wrong with being different and it’s none of my business anyway. Rosie is Rosie.”

Violet didn’t know what to make of me and I could tell the other girls didn’t either because they had been listening in and then giving each other silent but speaking looks. I pushed the wheelbarrow over and then stood back because everyone but me seemed to know what they were doing. After Rosie had done her part she came over to me and pulled me to a bucket and said, “We wash up here. Eating with dirty hands will make you sick.”

It sounded like something her father had drilled into her. As I was finishing Asa, Carmine, and a few other men came around the corner. I recognized Rob who said, “I’m starved!”

There was a teenage boy with him and I thought it might be Rowan. I had thought right when Rosie went over and dragged him to an introduction. Rosie said, “This is Rowan. He’s my best brother!”

One of the young men said, “Hey! What about me Pipsqueak!”

I realized that would be Ash. A man a little older than Rob stuck out his hand and said, “I’m Gill, I’ve been getting an earful about you young lady. You certainly turned Asa inside out.”

I sensed steel under the surface of his genial face. He was reserving judgment but he wouldn’t reserve it for long because he was the leader and had to make the hard choices. I sensed I could either prove I wasn’t a threat or I could hit the road. He’d let me choose which but I would have to choose soon.

Asa said, “Hah! At least you didn’t disappear again.”

I looked him straight in the eye and said, “I didn’t disappear the first time. I walked slowly and calmly down the road and out to get some experience before it gets cold.”

Shaking his head he repeated his earlier opinion. “You shouldn’t have just taken off like that.”

“I don’t tell you how to fix that junk everyone says you fix and you don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.” I turned away from him and left him with his mouth open. Unfortunately, when I turned I found everyone standing there staring at us like we were a piece of performance art. It made me want to freeze up and leave.

Carmine laughed and said, “Butcher, stop putting your foot in it. This one doesn’t need molly coddling and won’t appreciate it if you try.” It was neither compliment nor insult and I wouldn’t have cared either way; he was telling the truth. He looked at me and said, “After lunch. I’m serious now. I wanna see that rubber band of yours.”

Well that necessitated an explanation for those that hadn’t heard and while it took place Carlene directed us to sit. Before the plates were filled Gill caught me by surprise and said Grace over the meal. Rosie, as boundary-less as always, spotted my surprise before I could hide it and asked, “Don’t your family say Grace?”

Rowan groaned and tried to elbow his sister but I decided to answer her … because frankly if I didn’t I wasn’t sure where she would take the questions next. “I don’t have a family. I think we might have when they were alive but I can’t remember for sure.”

“You … you don’t have a family?” she asked like it was the most tragic thing in the world.

With a finality that even Rosie could understand I said, “No.”

Gill, Rob, and Carmine pelted me with questions all during the meal about what it was like in the Outlands and in the cities. “I can tell you what it was like in the inner city where I was but anything else I said would just be a repeat of what I saw on the occasional Tee-Vid display I saw.”

They seemed content with that so I told them about the inner city. “But don’t count on it being like that now. They bagged and tagged all the street people to reclaim the area for resettlement.”

Rowan asked, “Is that what you’re running from? Being … er … bagged and tagged?”

I hadn’t planned on getting involved with these people so I hadn’t made up a cover story of any depth. I decided it was better to stay as close to the truth as possible. As I hesitated Violet said, “Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it Ro.”

I shook my head, “It’s not that. I’m not sure how to explain it. You people are too nice, you wouldn’t understand.”

It was Carmine that sat back in his chair and said, “Well I’m not nice. Explain it to me.” So I did.

“There was no chance to escape. They gas entire blocks when they are ready to expand and you never know which direction that is going to be. I went to sleep one night and woke up already bagged and tagged. They shipped me off to what amounts to a re-education facility. I either performed to their satisfaction or I was … persuaded to do better next time; punitive work, lost meals, tasers, gas, drugs, climate control, sleep and sensory deprivation, corporal punishments, all the typical stuff. Some street people can conform to that and some can’t. And some of us, we bide our time. I waited until the opportunity to escape presented itself and that’s what I did.”

Rowan asked, “I still don’t understand. Why were they doing those things to you?”

“Because they have a cause they believe in. They think that people fit into genetic profiles; that your genetics is what determines your value to society because it determines what you can do for society. They control the masses by telling them that something makes them more or less valuable than the person next to them and that no one can change that, it’s a given from before birth. You are born with a label and can never be more than that label implies. Not even mental acuity can change your label if they’ve stuck one on you. So it isn’t your fault if you are less than the guy next to you, it just is and you have to learn to live with that. To fight the label you are born with is to fight society. And society is their all-consuming god; and the only thing anyone can do is serve their god. The only way to express your humanity is to give it up and serve society. The individual means nothing to them.”

It was Gill that said, “And that is why they are doomed to fail and why we have to be ready to pick up the pieces when they do. If the individual means nothing then there is no such thing as individual responsibility. The problem is that individual and personal responsibility is what this country was founded on and what made it great. People were allowed – encouraged – to rise above whatever situation they found themselves in. Birth, wealth, or anything else means nothing compared with doing the best you can with what you have; not sitting around for society to take care of you and give you something.”

The talk shifted for a moment to discuss another settlement that was coming together and whether they would follow the Constitution or whether they were going to be run by a war lord.

The sister named Lily asked, “Are they like the last one that was trying to recruit all the non-sterile young people?”

That caught my attention but I pretended I was busy listening to Rosie prattle. Violet said, “Geez Lily, will you drop it about that already?”

“Yeah, well you don’t have to put up with strange guys trying to come around to sniff at you all the time. You aren’t the one that always has to walk around with a bodyguard because someone has tried to steal you so many times. You aren’t the one that gets stuck at home …”

It was obviously an old argument but one that Violet tried to pretend didn’t hurt. Carlene tried to step in but Lily added, “Violet doesn’t have the burden of it all.”

I said, “And you don’t have to, it’s up to you what to do with your body. And in case your dad hasn’t gotten around to teaching you basic biology, being a Fertile doesn’t guarantee that you can carry a pregnancy to term and being a Sterile doesn’t mean you can’t have a baby. There’s in vitro, egg harvesting, and all that other stuff they are developing so it is more widely available. As a matter of fact, even being Fertile is no guarantee that SEPH won’t just ship you off to the Egg House. If you’re too big a pain in the butt, or your genetic profile isn’t high enough, or they don’t think you’ll carry to term, they’ll simply dope you with hormones and harvest your eggs and implant them in Sterile women after they’ve been fertilized.”

Rob asked with deep interest, “They’ve reached that stage of production? They’re implanting Steriles now?”

I shrugged, “Willing or unwilling. If your profile gets pulled they’ll requisition you from general population and repurpose your job description. Men are required to … er … participate in the program too. They’re using what they call Intentional Selection rather than natural selection to get the population back to full fertility while at the same time making it large enough and diverse enough so that the gene pool won’t collapse in one or two generations. Continuation of the species is their stated goal.”

Rob sighed, apparently deeply disappointed with the human race in general, and told me, “Sounds like some of the problems we have even here in the Wasteland with some of the settlements. Fertiles are paired up until a baby is conceived and then after it is born the couples with no real choice in the matter if they wish to keep their children instead of having them raised by someone else chosen by the elders of the community.”

After a moment the sister named Jasmine turned to me and said, “You don’t sound like any street rat I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen them on a few video loops the communication people have recorded – you sound educated.”

“And most people that I’ve met think all people who live in the Wastelands are corrupted and too vicious and ignorant to live in polite society. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve had about my fill of people.” I looked at Rosie and said, “Not everyone is like Asa. There are bad people in the world and they want to take your freedom from you. To keep your freedom you need to treat it with respect. And respect the threats to your freedom.” When she acted like she didn’t understand what I was saying I told her, “Don’t act like a brat and mind the ones that are set to look after you.” That she understood because she wrinkled her nose.

To Asa I said, “I don’t know why you were so worried about something eating me. You’re not responsible for me, I am. But now you can see I’m OK so stop wasting the energy.”

I was walking away but then I stopped and turned around. “Carmine, it is going to take me most of the rest of the day to get back to where I meant to explore but I guess I can spare a few minutes to show you the slingshot.”

Carmine shook his head and mumbled something about “cussed independent girl children” but he did direct me to a nearby area open enough for me to do some shooting without worrying that I was going to break something. I wasn’t showing off exactly but demonstrating for Carmine - and Asa, Gill, Ash, and Rowan that had silently followed - did give me the opportunity to test myself and make a point.

I told him when I was finished, “A lot depends on the ammunition and your experience with the slingshot you’re using. I’ve being using rocks and haven’t done half bad but in the city there was also bits of metal like nuts, ball bearings, that sort of thing that that can do some serious damage.”

“Kill people?” Carmine asked.

I looked him in the eye and said, “Yes.” It was a silent acknowledgement that I had done just that and that I would do it again if necessary.

He nodded and I told them, “I’ve gotta go.”

Asa stopped me and asked, “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you have to go?”

“Because I do. Why do you gotta fix things?”

“Because it’s what I do.”

“Exactly.”

“But I’m curious.”

Carmine laughed and said, “Lord Gurl, now you gotta run. Asa getting curious about something is about as dangerous at that peashooter of yours. When he takes aim he don’t miss.”

Asa told him irritably, “You’re not helping.”

Carmine said, “Didn’t know I was supposed to. You saying you need help getting women now?”

The last thing I was interested in becoming was a topic of conversation so I waved to Gill and started walking. I was just into the tree line when Asa caught up and I was close to losing patience with him.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 12

I crossed my arms and silently let him know I didn’t appreciate being stalked. Asa, to his credit, knew play time was over. “Let’s walk over this way, there’s a waterfall that will mask our conversation.”

That didn’t sound promising but since I was beginning to be curious about his persistence I went along just because I could. We got there and sat on a big boulder at the bottom of the fall. He decided not to beat around the bush. “You heard what Jasmine and Lily said.”

“Yeah. And your point is?”

“We both know your secret. You’re in danger out here by yourself.”

Cautiously I asked, “I don’t plan on saying anything, do you?”

“No, I wouldn’t do that but you don’t understand. There are bounties on Fertiles – females mostly and for the obvious reasons. They have bounty hunters that comb the Wastelands – and the Outlands too for that matter – and they have the equipment to find out what you don’t want them to know. There are also Harvesters. There weren’t very many of those in the beginning, still aren’t because of the tech needed, but their numbers double every year. They’re more dangerous than the bounty hunters because they’ll hold a captive long enough to get what they want, and then kill them rather than see a bounty hunter or another harvester have them. If they let you go, it’s even worse. If you are caught and tagged by one it will be catch and release time after time after time.”

I asked him quietly, “Are you trying to scare me with some Wasteland tale or is that the truth?”

“Both.”

Thinking it over and knowing I’d need to work that new knowledge into my plans I said, “All right. Fine. You’ve warned me. I still don’t see what that has to do with you acting so strange.”

He grabbed the end of his shirt and hauled it upwards. I jumped back suspecting some trick, but he just looked at me and then pointed to a scar in the middle of his chest. “When they tag you they drill a hole in your sternum and then glue it in.” He pulled his shirt down. “Six years ago I fell for an ambush. For two years – two years of hell – I couldn’t escape them; no matter what I tried they always found me. Three years ago Rob finally figured out how to remove it without destroying the surrounding bone and tissue but it cost me, nothing has ever hurt so bad and I was out of commission for a while. After I got back on my feet it took me another two years to track down the harvester group that did it to me, destroy them, and destroy the data they had.”

“So, finding Rosie was payback to Rob for what he did for you?”

Asa nodded then said, “The Wastelands are a place you can be free Gurl, but freedom always comes with a price. One of the prices out here is that you have to constantly watch your back against people that want to take it from you. You can’t do it alone for long because you have to be able to sleep sometimes.”

Looking at the water as it splashed and fell down into the pool beside us I told him, “I have to try. I don’t have any choice.”

“Yeah. Yeah you do. As soon as this job is over I’m going back to my summer digs. I want to stay there through the winter this time but it is going to take some work to pull it off, work I’m not sure I can do all by myself.”

“What’s that got to do with me?”

“Come with me. It’s deep in the Black Hills. It’s a place I found after I got rid of the harvester that had my number. Not even Carmine knows where it is exactly because it is outside Gill’s official territory … a no man’s land.”

I rarely got mad, it was a waste of energy. Normally people just couldn’t touch me. But now I felt like a fool. I’d let this guy reel me in. It must have shown on my face because Asa said, “Wait! Hear me out at least. I … I … Look, I haven’t exactly felt like being with anyone since the … Forget it. Just forget it.”

He was not going to start and then just leave me hanging that way. “Asa I have got to know if you are telling the truth.”

In a cynical and protective voice with his arms crossed over his chest he said, “Yeah … yeah. There really are boogie men out here in the Wastelands.”

“But what do you mean … you know … about what you were about to say?”

He wrestled with himself and then said, “We’re alike. SEPH took two years of your life because you’re a Fertile. The harvesters took two years of my life for the same reason. I remember how I felt … afterwards. Like I didn’t want to have anything to do with … with any of it, with anyone. Even had I wanted to I couldn’t even … even … I thought they’d ruined me. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with any of it. Rob said I’d get over it … eventually. He said it was the trauma. But I didn’t. That’s why he doesn’t have a problem with me being around Jasmine, Lily, and Rosie. He …”

“Rosie? You mean …”

“Yeah. I thought a bounty hunter had her … everyone did. Turns out it was Lupton’s sec boss looking for free labor and didn’t have anything to do with the other.”

“Does Rosie even realize it?”

“Yes and no. You see how she is. They normally keep a really tight rein on her because she can be so hyper and flighty … Violet is usually in charge of it but she was sick that day and Rosie slipped away from Carlene to go look at the horses but she got distracted and one thing led to another and then she was lost. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the rest.”

I could see how it could have happened so I didn’t go down that road. It was over and done with and now they would just have to teach her why she had to obey. “But Asa, none of that tells me anything about where you were trying to lead this.”

He chuckled but it wasn’t a nice sound. “People don’t understand. They think because I’m a man that it wasn’t any big deal. They made me … I still won’t talk about it … and if that wasn’t enough … they used me to work on their tech. Sometimes they’d say fix this and we’ll leave you alone and I’d do it and they would. But then next time maybe they’d say the same thing, I’d fix what they wanted fixed, and … and they wouldn’t.”

I understood what he meant but I still wasn’t getting it. Finally he sighed and told me it all. “I’m lonely,” he said quietly. “But I want to be around and with someone that is going to understand. I … I thought you … maybe you’d be lonely too and … and we could … get to know each other and then decide. But at least you’d have a place to stay, hide out until you figured out things better.”

“You’re not trying to make me are you?” I asked a little confused. I was used to people trying to force me to do what they wanted me to.

“No. I had enough of that myself. Part of me wants to try and make you but I know that wouldn’t really work.” He shrugged, as uncomfortable as I was with sharing such dark secrets.

I don’t know why but I said, “Give me a day to think about it. Do you have to know before that?”

He looked at me unsure whether he believed what he was hearing. “I’ve got a day’s worth of work to finish, maybe a day and a half. But I’m outta here after that. I’ve got a lot to do if I’m going to stay at my place over the winter. For the last few years I’ve been staying with Rob and his family but … I’m just not comfortable doing that anymore. The girls are getting older and they are starting to expect … things and I … I just don’t feel that kind of stuff for them. I want my own place, my own permanent place.”

I was quiet then said, “All right. I’ll be here tomorrow before the sun goes down and … and I’ll let you know. That’s as far as I go until I have time to think about.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 13

What had I gotten myself into?! I came to the Wastelands to get away from people and experience the freedom I once had as a street rat. Now I was thinking about becoming a domesticated rat … the kind I used to eat. I’d obviously eaten something bad or SEPH had fried my brain worse than I had thought.

I was so mad at myself. But there it was, I was giving serious consideration to Asa’s proposition. I knew squat about the guy really. I suppose I had to at least accept that some parts of his story were true as much as he accepted that some parts of my story were true. That scar in the middle of his chest certainly came from something unpleasant. But what really did I know about him.

He said his name was Asa Butcher. Everyone I’d seen interact with him had called him one or the other so I suppose that was his name at least as mine was Gurl Noname. He was in his early twenties if I had to guess but it was hard to tell. He had dark hair that stood up all over the place and scruffy facial hair that didn’t look like it would make a very nice beard. His eyes were kind of a hazel; they didn’t want to settle on any one color and they changed with his moods.

He wasn’t tall but wasn’t short either, and he was built wiry rather than bulky. He could move fast; I’d seen that when he pulled that gun when he and Carmine had taken on that road block; but I’d seen faster, had been faster myself at one point and might be again. His hands were steady; he’d taken out the chip behind my ear a lot faster than some would have dithered around about doing. He like tech and mech and it seems to be how he supports himself out here in the Wastelands; he’d been doing it at least six years if I believed his story, and maybe longer than that. He wasn’t averse to breaking rules as I remembered he’d claimed to have been arrested for hacking back before the Outbreak. With that in mind I revised his age up a bit to mid-twenties to thirty.

I knew that Asa knew how not to fight. That sounds stupid to people that don’t get it, but not everyone knows how not to strike back when they get hit. He could have hit me when I laid into him after I woke up with no clothes but he didn’t. He could have done me damage a couple of times but didn’t. If I was going to go play house with the guy that couldn’t change. I knew he had some issues but so did I so I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. It was whether our issues could work together or not.

I told Lily that she didn’t have to do anything with her body, that it was her choice. Mostly that’s true. You can be forced and I’d been lucky that it had never happened to me, but you can decide whether or not most of the time. You can give in to peer pressure and coercion but that’s still a choice. But for sure if you’re asked you can say yes or no. Asa was asking me. It all came down to whether I chose yes or no.

I woke up no closer to an answer than I had gone to bed. I camped in a crevice not too much bigger than me but it was a mistake. It was too near a watering hole. If it wasn’t the animals going there for a ship waking me up it was the bugs.

I was tired and hungry. The big meal the day before had stretched my stomach and it was complaining about being empty before the sun was up. I ate some of the dried fruit, a bit of jerky, and fixed a cup of tea from my back pack stash. Wandering around the previous day I spotted a patch of wild asparagus and I headed toward it after my breakfast. I decided it would be my lunch and dinner and it was heading back towards Gill’s settlement as well.

As I hiked I thought. Whether I said yes or no wasn’t all about Asa. It wasn’t all about why I should say no. I needed to know what would make me say yes. What would turning into a domesticated rat do for me?

First off, I wouldn’t be the only one looking for food. That would be a big plus, a huge plus. There would be two mouths but twice as many eyes on the lookout. Bigger animals would be easier to take. I had read that the pioneers had stored meat for the winter like fish and venison. Deer aplenty wandered each area I had walked through but I didn’t know what to do with them. I would need to ask Asa if he did.

Asa had shelter that he was willing to share. Shelter in winter meant warmth. Sometimes the only way to survive cold was to share warmth with some fellow rats. Asa wasn’t a street rat … but he was something close. And he seemed a bit of a loner like me only he’d been that long enough that he wanted to try something else. I decided I would need to ask him about how his shelter was fixed for water. Permanent shelter without permanent water was no good. If food, shelter, and water would be better as a team, compared to being a loner, then that would be good.

But food, shelter, and water couldn’t be the only reason I said yes. I might be a feral street rat but I was also an educated feral street rat; enough to know there was more to life than the basic three. If that was all there was then there would be no reason for me to be so happy that I had escaped SEPH and the future they had mapped out for me. I would have been content and fulfilled to live under SEPH rule and let my genitive profile and reproductive capacity determine my fate.

And I didn’t want that; didn’t want my fertility to be why someone – in this case Asa – wanted my company. He’d told me why he wanted company; he was lonely. He’d told me why he wanted me to be that company; similar experiences for similar reasons. Was that all? Could that be enough? No. It was a start but it wasn’t enough. If that was all I needed and wanted then I could have found a pack of other street rats to hang with. There were other cities that hadn’t been cleared. I could have gone back to my old life if I had really wanted to.

What had I come to the Wastelands for? Simply to escape SEPH; or to find something more? Freedom was what I came looking for. If I said yes to Asa was that giving up my dream of being free? Of being in charge of my life? That I didn’t know.

I was irritated that this kind of choice had been dropped on me so soon after I’d escaped from SEPH. Was it a trick that life was throwing at me? Or was it an opportunity? Was it neither or both? I hadn’t been this confused since I’d been sentenced to sensory deprivation for a week. That’s as close as I had ever come to breaking.

I hadn’t broken. In fact it made me stronger; it certainly solidified my hatred of my captors and all they stood for. But that was then and this was now. My headache wasn’t from lack of input but from too much. Back then I had few choices; now I was being given so many I not only didn’t know which one to choose, I’m not sure I knew how to choose.

I was still debating with myself when I got to the waterfall and found Asa there ahead of me. I had no sooner walked up than he tried to hand me something. When I backed up a step and refused to take it he urged, “Go on … take it.”

“What is it? I mean I can see it’s a memory button but …”

“It’s maps; survey maps from all over the Wastelands. It was one of the first projects Gill started after the bombs stopped falling. You can toggle back and forth between the old maps and what things look like today … or at least to the last time a survey was taken. I’ve … I’ve put notes on there about where you can find water, trails, settlements to stay away from. I figure you’re going to say no but I still … it’s dangerous out there for all the reasons I told you yesterday. I brought you a small kit of stuff that’ll help too … a flint, some …”

I interrupted him. “Why?”

“Huh?”

I asked him, “Why do you figure I’m going to tell you no.”

“It’s obvious isn’t it. I’ve been thinking it over. I didn’t exactly make the greatest first – or second – impression. Then I was manhandling your … uh … components. I didn’t stand up for you to Carmine, totally missed that guy on the hill, just left you standing in the middle of the street, made out like I was pretty pathetic yesterday … I haven’t given you any reason to say yes.”

I looked at him and realized something. Asa and I did have similar experiences, lost similar amounts of our lives to similar types of people. Been hurt pretty bad by those people too. And it hadn’t broken either one of us, but I think maybe I came out less chipped and cracked than Asa had. And for some reason that made me angry at SEPH and their philosophy in a way I hadn’t been before. I was angry for more than myself now; it was a strange sensation.

I looked at him and said, “What you say might be true but only up to a point. You were locked up because you didn’t want Rosie to face the same fate you had … because you knew it would destroy her. When I gave you the keys you could have taken off but instead you stayed and got rid of the chip for me. You could have left me for dog chow but you didn’t. And no one has ever cared what happened to me except as a piece of property … or at least not for so long I can’t really remember what it feels like. I still don’t understand why you do … but I’m willing to believe you mean it when you say it.”

He had a blank look on his face. I wasn’t sure what that meant but decided to ask a few questions of my own. “This place you want to set up for winter … is it … I mean …”

“Let me describe it for you. It’s remote but that’s a good thing. There’s water year round but I dug out an old well last summer so I won’t have to haul water every day. Game is plentiful in the summer and there’s plenty of space for a garden. I need to build a smoke house but I’ve already got fish racks and other things that I’ve been hauling there for close to three years, including bank glass for the windows.”

“Do you know how to do that stuff? Garden and hunt big animals for meat?”

“Sure. You can’t make it in the Wastelands and not know it. Stores are few and far between out here and the ones that do exist – like the trading post you saw in Gill’s settlement – work on gold, silver, copper, and barter … but mostly barter so they can keep their stock up.”

“Ok. Next question.” I wasn’t sure how to approach it. “Look, I don’t like it when people try to manage me or force me to do something. I know I have issues but I come by them honestly. I’m more likely to do something if I’m asked that if I’m being pushed around. If I get pushed around I can turn nasty. I try not to cut off my nose to spite my face but it’s been known to happen. You don’t seem like a pushy kind of person but you seem like you could be a do gooder … and those have caused me just as many headaches as the people intentionally out to get me have. I want to be asked before someone starts arranging my life for my own good.”

He shrugged and said, “I’m not going to let someone stand in the middle of the road if a wagon is about to run ‘em down but if someone wants to drink themselves under the table I generally just stay out of their way. Out here people are supposed to be responsible for themselves. If someone gets a snoot full and then does some damage, someone else will take it out of their hide more than likely but generally people tend to go their own way … at least in the free settlements.”

“Fair enough I suppose but that’s not exactly what I mean. What I’m trying to say is I want a choice when it comes to stuff that affects me. I know I don’t know enough to be a boss but …”

It was like watching enlightenment dawn on his face when he finally grasped what I was trying to say. “Oh … well sure. Nobody wants to be a slave to someone else. I wouldn’t want to be bossed all the time either. It’s why I want a place of my own … but …” He stopped and he could keep he face blank no matter how hard he tried. “Are you really thinking of saying yes?”

“I wouldn’t be wasting time and putting up with these gnats if I wasn’t,” I told him while trying to fan away the annoying bugs that found my nose, mouth, and ears so irresistible.

“Ok, so … what would it take to get you to say yes?”

I warned him, “You can’t buy me Asa.”

Unthinkingly he let slip, “I wouldn’t want you if I could.” He winced when he realized how that had sounded. It was the first time I felt like smiling since he’d started me thinking.

“Good to know.”

“I … er … didn’t mean …”

“Yes you did but that’s OK. For this honesty is best don’t you think?”

He finally answered my smile. “Yeah.” But then he got serious again. “What I meant was if you’re not saying no, what’s keeping you from saying yes?”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 14

Rather than giving him a list I asked him another question. “Asa, how old are you?”

“Twenty-five. Why? How old are you?”

“Seventeen I think.”

He got a cautious look on his face. “You’re younger than Jasmine.”

“So?”

“I just … thought you were older.”

“Is that important to you?”

With a confused look on his face Asa answered, “I don’t know. I … I hadn’t really thought about it ‘til now.”

I shrugged. “Well it doesn’t to me. I was just wondering if you expected me to make babies right away or just what.”

He blinked, then blinked again. “If you’re only 17 you shouldn’t be thinking about babies. Lily and Jasmine … I still can’t believe you’re younger than them … they’re nineteen and twenty and don’t want to have anything to do with it.”

“That’s them, not me. They’ve got some kind of hang up over it … afraid and angry that they’re afraid; or at least that is the way I read them. Me, I never had a problem with it, just a problem with being forced. The way it was I figured I might not get a choice before I could escape who they had matched me up with. But if I get a choice I’d like to wait.”

Still struggling to compute the new information he said, “Well yeah, you’re too young.”

Thinking for all his experience Asa was still pretty naïve. “I’m not too young to make a baby; I’m just not sure I’m ready to be a mother. I’ve observed there seems to be a difference.” He did that blinking blank face again. “At SEPH they proved lots of boys and men could make babies but they were never the fathers of the babies they made. For females you could be a surrogate or an incubator … you could produce eggs or could give birth … but you were never the mother.”

Stumbling, like he was having trouble keeping up he stuttered, “Well … uh …”

“That’s what I’m asking. Are you wanting to make babies right now?”

“Hmmm. Well … it would be better to have a house in order and a plan for the rest of it before you add babies to the mix.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

More firmly he answered, “No. Not now that I’ve thought about it. From what I’ve heard babies are messy and take a lot of work. And they’re helpless. Better make sure we can take care of ourselves before we add in something that can’t.”

A knot I hadn’t known was there eased in my stomach. But then two knots took its place when he mumbled, “I don’t know if I can. Iv’e … I’ve heard stories that when the harvesters are finished with you …” He stopped and said, “If there comes a time when you do want a baby and I can’t give you one I won’t stop you from finding a guy that can.”

Surprised I said, “Wait, I thought … well, are you saying that all of this is only for a season or two? I thought we were talking about sticking?”

“Sticking?” he asked confused. Then he jumped, “Permanent? You’d … stick? … with me even if I’m not fertile any more but you are?”

“I thought that’s what we were talking about. This is too much trouble to go through it more than once so I want to make the right choice this time around.”

He started laughing. I hadn’t ever heard him laugh; it wasn’t hard on the ears. But then he kept laughing. He laughed so hard he fell off the rock he’d been sitting on. I’d never made anyone laugh like that before and I wasn’t sure that I cared for it. I got up and bent to pick up my pack and then Asa was there saying, “No, wait Gurl … please. I just … what else? What else do you want to know? Need to so you can say yes?”

“Well for one, you can get off your knees and stop acting so bizarre. I only asked a simple question.”

“How ‘bout you come sit by me. You don’t have to, but it’s drier over here and the gnats aren’t as bad.”

Put like that I decided to sit. He asked again, “Seriously Gurl, what else?”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 15 (Part 1)

I thought about it for a minute and then said, “Look I’m not talking about getting my feelings hurt but … if we do this and you decide that it isn’t what you thought it would be and you want out, I don’t want to just get kicked out. You have to give me time to get a home base set up and I want you to teach me to do the things that will help me to survive the Wastelands.”

“Done. But you’re right … this is too emotionally draining to do more than once; if you say yes I’ll make it work.”

Shaking my head I told him, “I didn’t say emotionally draining, I said too much trouble.”

“OK, fine … however you want to see it. But I still don’t mean to mess this up and make you feel like you want to leave.”

I sighed. “I didn’t say you were going to mess up.”

A little stubbornly he said, “Well, I don’t intend on letting it happen.”

I rolled my eyes and told him, “Fine.”

Almost angrily he fired back, “Fine.”

Then my lips twitched. He had a look on his face that reminded me of DJ’s little sister.

Defensively he asked, “What?”

“Nothing,” I answered refusing to say what I was thinking.

“It wasn’t nothin’ but I won’t try and make you tell me if you don’t want to.”

I nodded and still smiling said, “OK, good to know.”

He relaxed all of a sudden and then his lips twitched. “I’m having a hard time imagining what people are going to say.”

That wasn’t funny at all. “I … hadn’t thought …” My emotions, never real accessible even when I expected them to be on the best of days, wanted to crawl off into the hole they lived in most of the time. Asa saw my face.

“What?”

“They’ll know all the things to say to make you change your mind.”

He shook his head. “If you say yes they won’t change my mind.”

Looking at him I reminded him, “I’m not what you would call a catch and I’m new around here. They aren’t going to like it. And if they know you are a Fertile they aren’t going to like you going outside the … er … gene pool so to speak.”

“Maybe not but it’s my life and it’s time I started to live it. I’m … sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating around here. Rob is nice … too nice. If you think I’m a do-gooder that will try and arrange your life, he would make you run screaming into the night. Gill is Gill but sometimes he has a habit of wanting to micromanage everything. Carmine … Carmine is the opposite. He’ll stand there and watch you do something that he knows is stupid then when you’re down he’ll kick you in the butt and tell you he isn’t your nursemaid, to get up and get back in the saddle.”

Wondering I asked, “How old is Carmine, it’s hard to tell.”

He shrugged, “Don’t know. Thirty, something like that. I know he is younger than Rob by about a decade. He was in the military with Gill and followed him out here. It was after some battle; by the time either one was in any shape to go back to their unit things had changed – something about being listed KIA – and they decided to stay out here and start a new life. There’s more to it than that but I’m not sure what it is. They used to be real close but lately … Gill wants to change things faster and expand faster and Carmine thinks it is a bad idea; he wants a closed settlement and Gill wants to turn his town into a model one based solely on the Constitution. Carmine is a Constitutionalist, same as Gill, but thinks Gill is giving people too much credit.”

Trying to condense the description into one word I asked, “So Carmine is an isolationist?”

“No … no if … hmmm … more of a … a protectionist I guess. Gill wants free trade and open borders through the whole Wastelands and then spread that to the Outlands and then beyond as a Constitutional movement takes hold. Carmine sees the Wastelands as individual countries rather than the states they used to be, therefore thinks things should operate with the community’s best interests as the primary concern and not try and recreate the way things used to be.” He squinched his face. “Or something like that. I usually tune them out when they start debating.”

Amazed I asked, “Why? I would think that would be real important and interesting. It is about freedom.”

He shrugged, “Because Gill always wins. No matter how much they talk and debate Gill is still the boss so it is his way or the highway.”

Shaking my head, “Now that’s just hypocritical. You can’t have a free and open society, with free trade and all that other stuff and still expect to run things like a monarchy or dictatorship.”

Asa shrugged, “That’s Gill for you. He’s got an idea on how things should be run and that’s the way they are going to be run. He’s always been right, and the settlement has thrived, so no one calls him on the rest of it. Lately it seems that he and Carmine have disagreed more and more on things. Kinda glad we’ll be … I mean … er … Have you said yes yet?”

I thought about it before putting it in concrete. “I … OK, yes. I’m saying yes. But … but do you have to tell the others? I mean, can’t we just leave and … I don’t know … tell them later?”

He gave me a suspicious look. “Are you … ashamed or something.”

That caused me to roll my eyes. “Hardly. I don’t know if I know how to be ashamed. No, I’m … just … I don’t like the idea that people are going to start meddling right off the bat. I don’t want to start with hard feelings. I sure don’t want to get Gill’s attention if it turns out he’s against it.”

“Hmmm … maybe. Look, but I should tell someone. Carmine won’t meddle. I already told you what he’s like. And with him being sec boss it might not be a bad idea. If I ask him not to say anything to Gill or Rob and explain why he won’t, so long as it isn’t a danger to the settlement and I can’t see how it could be.”

There wasn’t much more to be said. Well except to be surprised when Asa asked if he could kiss me. Wasn’t bad. I suppose I could get into the habit of it once I got used to having someone in my personal space and quite that close. He sure thought it was a big deal from the look on his face.

It was too late to start out. Instead we were going to get going at first light. “If we don’t they’ll keep finding things they want me to fix or have projects for me to work on,” Asa grumped. “It’s like that every year.”

I refused to sleep in the settlement proper. I didn’t want anyone to get suspicious. Asa eventually realized I wasn’t going to budge on that so he showed me a place that he sometimes used and then said he’d meet me there a little after first light. He’d gone and it was getting dark when there was a noise in the brush. I had my sling shot up and aimed when Carmine’s voice said, “Do not hit me with that pea shooter. I don’t feel like picking bits of rock out of my skin.”

I shrugged and lowered my weapons slightly but not completely. “Then don’t come sneaking up on people. What do you want?”

“Asa told me. Want to make sure I understand it.”

Carmine came out into the open and sat by my fire without being invited. Looking at the fire he asked, “Didja eat yet?”

“No. And what business is it of yours?”

“About you eating or about you and Asa?”

After a brief pause I said, “Both.”

“Probably isn’t but … maybe is.” He handed me a piece of material and when I gingerly opened it there was a slice of cornbread and a thermos of bean stew. As I ate it Carmine started talking. “Gill thinks of Asa as a … settlement asset I guess you’d say. Asa can fix anything from tech to mech. And if he doesn’t know how to start with by the time he’s finished he does and usually has made it better in some way. You called it right that if you want to get away clean not to say anything to Gill or Rob. But if I’m gonna keep my silence I need to know you aren’t … aren’t gonna be a bad influence on Asa.”

It took me a moment to work through that. “You … you think I’m … stealing him away or something?”

He shook his head. “I don’t. But Gill might. I think it’s past time that Asa get on his own more. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s traveled over the Wastelands almost as much as Gill and I have. He can be tough, can kill, can do the things it takes to survive. But he always got pulled back in by Rob and Gill. They never saw him as independent of the settlement but that they were lending him out.”

I sighed. “This is going to cause trouble isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily, not if it is handled right. Gill and Rob both need to get over the idea that people are going to come just because they call. If Asa is tired of being their puppy this might not be a bad opportunity for them to learn that people aren’t pieces on a chest board.”

I looked at him and said, “Sounds like Asa isn’t the only one tired of coming when called.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I owe Gill more than I can ever repay. And besides, we ain’t talking about me we’re talking about Asa … and you. The problem is Gill and Rob may not see that they’re the ones with the problem but look for a reason to rationalize it, look for what’s causing the problem for them. You’d be that problem.”

“Great,” I said sarcastically. “I didn’t come out here to be a problem and get noticed. I just wanted to live my life and be free.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 15 (Part 2)

Carmine twisted his lips cynically. “See, now that’s where you went wrong. You needed to decide whose definition of free you were going to use before you set your sights on it.”

“Gee, just full of wisdom aren’t you Confucius?”

He shrugged, “Used to think so. Now …” He shook his head. “This crap Gill wants won’t work in the long run. He’s trying to pull together too many settlements that are too different and he’s trying to do it too fast. Human nature will trip him up eventually, should have already except that we’ve got too many natural resources and talent within the settlement and too much fire power to hold onto it with. We fought in the past but now folks are … they are getting too comfortable. They spend too much time working towards their personal happiness and what will keep them there rather than thinking about how other people are going to try and take it from them. Enjoy what you’ve got I say, but don’t take your eye off the other guy who wants it.”

“In other words, watch your back.”

He grinned at me like I was prize pupil. “Yeah. You see it.”

Irritated I said, “Of course I do. I’m a street rat remember. My whole life is about watching my back because there are too many things out there that want to eat me. But I still don’t see what this has to do with Asa … or me.”

He sighed. “Look. They’ll give him plenty of rope. They’ll tell themselves he’s young, needs to sow some wild oats, needs to get out and be his own man … for a while. As much as I love Gill and his brother I still see ‘em for who they are. Gill especially. They’re going to test him, test his loyalty. They figure that Asa owes them and they want to make sure he still remembers it.”

Getting suspicious I asked, “I’ll come back to what you mean by this testing business but what I want to know right now is why are you being so helpful?”

He chuckled, “God, you’re about the only thing that might save Asa from himself all right. The kid moved faster than I thought he would. Maybe he’s got a chance after all. Look, Gill isn’t the only one with an eye to the future. And you can stop trying to be polite, I know what people think of me and they’re right. This politicking crap isn’t my bag. I’ve always hated political correctness and diplomacy; left that up to Gill for the most part. If it were possible for me to go off and live on my own and not have to mess with people ever again I’d do it in a heartbeat … but since I live in the real world I know it’s not. I’m willing to work with it … up to a point. But Gill … he’s just too hard headed. He thinks he can move people around like chess pieces and make things work out. I know it can work, but not the way he wants it to … but maybe it’s too late to do it my way, maybe I waited too long to have a say, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten a say even if I had spoken up sooner. Don’t know, just gotta deal with the way things are now.” He shook his head. “Gill … he wants to get all of these people that are so different, different goals, different reasons for having those goals, and even if their goals are the same they have different ways to reach ‘em … Gill wants to bring all these people together like a … like a melting pot, like the country was supposed to be but never really was if you study history for any length of time. And get that smart look off your face, I can read and do. What worked was when immigrants came to our country but left all that crap from their old country behind … they became Americans not some hyphenated half breed of an American like it eventually turned into and once it had gone that far the immigrants to this country didn’t even try to change to become Americans, they wanted to change America to what they had left behind except with the economic advantages they’d come here for. Same thing is going to happen here with the way Gill has things running.”

“And your idea is?”

“Change things … or influence them rather … before they get to the settlement. Plant seeds. Move our own people out past the boundaries of the settlement territory so that it is us influencing and changing the Wastelands rather than the Wastelands influencing and changing us. We are getting too many people around here to support the same ol’ way … they need to go outside their comfort zone and start their own ranches, farms, and small settlements and then create trade that way.”

Nodding, “Sure, that sounds like something that makes more sense than becoming dependent on another settlement you aren’t sure won’t take advantage of you. But it will take time and you make it sound like Gill has some kind of … I don’t know … schedule that he is on, that he wants to move faster so to compensate he’s using existing settlements rather than building new ones of his own.”

“I knew you were smart. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. He wants to be a force to be reckoned with out here and he wants things to be Constitutional, and at the individual level he let’s ‘em alone to make a fool out of themselves or not but he wants to direct the big picture and sometimes the two comes in conflict. Everything we did used to be vetted by the Constitution. Last two years it seems things are vetted on the interpretation of the Constitution that best suits the plans.”

Still trying to understand I said, “OK, good to know and be warned about. I still don’t get if you’re so loyal to Gill why you are helping if we are going to make Gill upset and I still don’t see this testing business or how it would be to anyone’s advantage. I hate it when people try and make me do something to prove their point.”

He snorted, “I got that as soon as you stood up to the girls. No one around here will which is why those two in particular are getting spoiled and self-important; they play the victim card too much. They’ve watched their uncle and father order people’s lives around and they want some of that power for themselves. They have no … no concept of the kind of danger they’re in or how through no fault of their own they have no choice but to be a commodity. They can’t deal with it, they can’t change it … and they don’t like it.”

“And?”

“Gill is making mistakes but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a powerful man. When he calls … and I figure it will be about mid to late summer … you get Asa to come. But you be prepared to get out too before winter locks you in. Don’t let the two of you get caught here over the winter, if you do it might be the last time that Asa makes a push for independence. If he thinks there is no escape – that Gill will just keep after him – he might just give up this time. You know his history?”

“He’s told me.”

“Well then you’ll understand that if he feels betrayed … it took him a long time to come back from that other and I honestly didn’t know if he would, he was a mess.” He shook his head. “Rob thinks that he’s the only one that knows how bad it was for Asa but anybody with any sense could see what was happening; and anyone with a brain can imagine the kind of issues it’s left him with.”

I didn’t disagree with him but I wasn’t going to let him know that. “Then why come at all?”

“Because Asa isn’t like me … or you for that matter. He needs people. And more the pity, he likes ‘em too; you would have thought his experience would have cured him of that. And his business requires him to deal with people. He won’t give that up. He may play at it for a few months because he’ll have … er … other things to keep him occupied but after that I don’t seem him being content to stay out at his place. And yeah, I followed him. It’s a nice set up. Don’t look at me like that Gurl. Asa would just go off when he’d get one of those starts of his … don’t have ‘em the way he used to … and just disappear for weeks. Rob had taken that tag out of him by then so I knew it wasn’t the harvesters getting him but I needed to know that he wasn’t half cracked and giving away settlement information that was no one else’s business. And if … well, if he was a danger to himself or others I was going to handle it however way it needed handling and people would still remember Asa kindly.”

I had another headache. “So you’re saying that Asa needs to keep in contact with the settlement to be happy and to keep Gill happy but I have to make sure that Gill … that Asa … you know, this sucks.”

He chuckled tiredly, “Welcome to my world Gurl. I think once Gill understands that Asa having his independence isn’t a threat then he’ll let go for the most part. Gill is happy. Asa is happy. Win-win for both of us.”

“Fine. I’ll keep it in mind. But why tell me this? Why not explain it to Asa? Let him choose.”

Instead of answering me he said, “I didn’t see you hooking up so soon. I knew the men would be after you but I never thought it would be this soon. Young women are like honey to bears out here.”

I rolled my eyes at his way of putting it. “I wasn’t looking for it either. Asa is the one who approached me. I don’t know. He gave some good reasons why being on my own out here in the Wastelands is a bad idea. Once he understood that he couldn’t buy me, bribe me – not that he tried to do either – and made his case, it just seems like the logical thing to do.”

“Logic? Are you serious? I’ve never known a woman to be logical, especially when it comes to hooking up. They want love and romance and all the fixin’s that go with it.”

Not quite sure whether I had been insulted I said, “Well I don’t know what all of that is. I’ve seen romance on the TeeVid but it looks sloppy and silly. The fixings? What more is there than food, shelter, and water. Love? I don’t even …” I stopped because I realized how it made me sound.

“Don’t even what?” Carmine asked curiously.

I sighed. “Don’t even remember that. I know from what little I do remember of my parents that they must have loved me but I don’t remember how it feels. I’m not sure I want to remember.”

Curiously he asked, “Does Asa know that?”

“What? You mean does he think I have a crush or something like that on him?”

He nodded, “Close enough. Or him on you.”

I chucked and shook my head. “Asa is lonely. He knows to accomplish his goals he needs a partner. He and I have had very similar experiences … mine with SEPH and his with the harvesters. There’s common ground. He’s not lonely anymore and I learn how to survive out here in the Wastelands so I’ll never have to go back.”

Cynically Carmine asked, “That simple for you was it?”

I surprised him. “No … no not simple. I have a feeling that Asa … he’s gonna … he’s gonna find … I don’t know how to explain it. He needs me right now. And I need something right now too. I’m willing to let it be what it is. I’m not sure yet if Asa will. Either way I’m done, once is enough and why the heck am I telling you all this?”

Carmine grinned and in the dark it seemed a little wicked. “Maybe I’m better than you think I am. You know how many stories people tell me every week? They say I’m easy to talk to.”

“You are something all right, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I’ve made the mistake in trusting you than anything you are doing on purpose. I’m done. Go away.”

He chuckled but did get up and I handed him the thermos and fabric napkin but he waved at me to keep them. He started walking away then stopped and turned back around with a serious look on his face. “I’m going to tell you something and you can believe it not. You can trust me. And I hope – for both your sakes – that this scheme of Asa’s works. You just remember what I said and keep it in mind.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 16

I’ll admit I worried about whether Asa would show or if I had somehow been set up but show he did, but he wasn’t in a particularly good mood. He had a horse and two pack mules loaded down.

“Let’s get out of here. We can ride tandem for a while but as soon as we get out of the valley I’ll need to walk.”

I shook my head and said, “I’ll walk. I’m not used to riding anyway.” He tried to say something but I stopped him. “I’m not kidding Asa, I bet I can even jog longer than you can. I might have been a captive of SEPH but I kept myself in top shape. It was the one thing that they encouraged in all of us. I think it had something to do with making us reach our genetic potential or something like that.”

He looked at my feete HH. “How are those boots holding up?”

“They’ll do.”

“I should have thought to get you some different ones. How did you get clothes before?”

As we started off I explained how I survived in the city in a little more detail. I watched some of the stiffness go out of his shoulders and even noticed that when he settled down the horse he was riding seemed to get less nervous. I wanted to ask what had him so bent earlier but wasn’t certain whether to bring it up or not. We’d gone about two and a half miles when there was a hawk’s cry from up ahead.

I looked at Asa who had gone tense again. “You know, I know I’m not from around here but I don’t think hawks hang around in bushes.”

I recognized the rusty sounding laugh that came in response to my comment right away. “Carmine? That’s a real good way to find out if Rob can dig a ball bearing out of your head without scrambling your brain.”

That made him laugh harder. By contrast Asa looked even more aggravated. Carmine came out of the bushes and said, “Sorry I wasn’t there Asa … but you know the score, I warned you last night.”

He nodded. “Rotten way to do business,” he complained. “Trotting out that moth eaten transport and claiming that it was part of the deal when everyone knew good and well it wasn’t. There’s not enough left of that thing to make it worth anyone’s effort. Then refusing to pay me my whole fee because I wouldn’t replace some other work for the transport. Dumb. I’m the best out here. They know it, everyone knows it … I know it. Do they not want me to come back anymore?”

Carmine sighed. “They’re testing you … probably Hendrick’s idea. And they call me stupid and heavy handed. When word gets around Gill is going to have to smooth the waters.”

“What about you?” I asked.

He grinned a shark’s grin. “Not my pay grade Gurl. Since it ain’t me mucking up the water, it ain’t going to be me smoothing it over. Gill will figure it out as soon as he sees how other people react to it. They’ll get suspicious that maybe the same thing will happen to them. Then Gill will call and try and smooth things over. You let him. Might be in your best interest.”

Asa’s pride had been hurt and he wasn’t ready to hear Carmine but I did. “Wonder what would happen if other settlements that Gill trades with find out about this stunt.”

Carmine gave me a hard look. “Don’t start trouble.”

“Not unless I have to.”

I was drawing a line in the sand. Carmine wanted me … and Asa … to trust him. For what purpose I didn’t know but I’d learned young and fast that trust either went both ways or it didn’t really exist. “No one wants trouble any less than I do Carmine … but no one is more capable of starting it either. I did not get myself free of SEPH and their plans for my future only to find myself under the thumb of someone looking to be a benevolent dictator. I thought Gill was a Constitutionalist but I’m not so sure anymore.”

Carmine sighed, “He is. But he also has a bad habit of thinking he knows what is best for everyone … and the two are in conflict more often than not lately.”

Asa spoke, surprising me with his answer. “Carmine’s right. If Gill calls, I’ll listen but he better plan on waiting a while. I’m an independent contractor, not his towel boy. There’s other markets than Gill’s settlement and other trading posts besides the one on main street.”

“There’s other tech guys too,” Carmine said.

Asa nodded, “Sure there are … but none of them are as good as me.”

Carmine smiled, “Well, since I’m an honest man I’ll give you that point.” Asa relaxed and I realized for all his caution he really liked Carmine … and that Carmine liked Asa. “So anyway, seems that Gurl never got any kind of reward for helping to bring home Rosie. Don’t like that, gives a bad impression and sets up hard feelings.”

I tried to stop him. “I didn’t do it to get a reward … besides I didn’t do it anyway. I was just there. I just …”

Totally ignoring me and continuing to look at Asa which was beginning to annoy me he said, “So I think under the circumstances that a horse isn’t an unreasonable reward. The tack is out of my personal gear so I’d like it back next time you are around.”

Asa swallowed it. I wasn’t sure what Carmine was up to but it was something. On the other hand … “Carmine? Isn’t this going to make it look like you are choosing sides?”

He shrugged, “Yeah. My side. And when Gill settles down he’ll see that it was the right thing to do. And even if he doesn’t that’s too bad because it is. A single meal where their daughters didn’t do anything but get snarky isn’t what Rob and Carlene should have done. Neither one even brought it up afterwards … too wrapped up in their own lives right now which is a mistake we can’t afford with as fast as Gill is pushing his plan. And for sure they didn’t exactly have people lining up to go after Rosie so they should have done something for the ones that did. If nothing else as an example for others to follow.”

“But that can cut both ways,” I told him. “You don’t want to have to get into the habit of paying people to do the right thing.”

He sighed. “True enough, but this time they should have. Now stop chewing it to pieces and get on the dat burn horse. You make my ears hurt with all the noise you make.”

My mouth nearly fell open. That had to have been the first time anyone EVER told me I talked too much.

Asa forestalled any other argument I would have made when he said, “Much obliged Carmine. I’ll call you at some point to meet and give you the tack.”

Casually Carmine said, “Just bring it next time you’re around. It’s not like I can ride more than one saddle at a time.”

I noticed Asa’s face go hard with anger. Carmine glanced at me and I knew what he wanted me to do. But knowing what he wanted and me judging it was the right thing to do when and if it came around weren’t necessarily going to be the same thing. I’d have to see.

By the time we made camp I was cursing Carmine’s “generosity.” Asa smiled and asked, “Little sore?”

I didn’t say anything but I didn’t let him know how irritating his good humor was either. If we were going to make this work it would take both of us doing what we could. Me getting snarky, though temporarily satisfying, wouldn’t produce any long term benefit.

Still Asa must have sensed something. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”

He had puppy dog eyes for Pete’s sake. I sighed. “I didn’t say you did Asa. This is just a lot of new for me to deal with. I warned you I could be prickly. Talk if you want to, it doesn’t bother me, just please don’t ask me to keep up and talk all the time too.”

He smiled and was satisfied, “Sure, I can see … I mean I can understand that.” Then he got serious. “This has been the easy part of the trail. Starting tomorrow it gets rougher. The day after parts of the trail are little more than goat tracks. Even before the war there weren’t really any homes to speak of back in that area.”

That got my curiosity up and took my mind off of my tender parts. “So you’ve built your place from scratch?”

“Our place,” he said with a pleased grin. “Yes and no. It’s … well, it’s not a cabin except for a façade. The main area is part of a small cave system. I’ve mapped about five miles of it and blocked off where my mapping stops. One of these days I’ll get around to it but I don’t need the space right now. There’s a couple of separate open caverns that are right into the wall of the canyon and one of those I’ve already converted to a stable. Another one I figure we can turn into grain storage if we can get in a crop. But I’ve been thinking … and thought you might like to hear it.”

I nodded. “There’s a lot of work to do to make the living space ready for the winter. It’s May and even though we’ve seen the last of the snow finally the highs are just barely making it out of the 60s. Next month it is really going to warm up and it will stay that way through August. September it will start to get mild again and then by October it starts freezing again at night and goes downhill until around April. You got lucky and missed some nasty weather we had right before I headed out to find Rosie.”

I asked, “What kind of work? I’m trying to get it straight in my head.”

“Well, the cave atmosphere will keep it a nice fifty-five degrees year round … at least back in the storage areas. The more exposed areas behind the façade can get doggone cold in the winter so I built a fireplace … it needs some finishing but all of the stove pipe is already in. But what you should understand is that someone … who knows who they were … had been using the cave during the Outbreak. They’d brought in a bunch of stuff and had already built partitions to section off rooms and work areas. I found their bodies about four miles down one of the smaller offshoots from the main cavern. It looks like maybe they got lost or ran out of supplies, I don’t know. All three were dead and had been that way for a long time.”

“There were three of them?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

Curious I asked, “Did it look like they’d been fighting?”

“Uh uh, it’s the first thing I checked for.”

Fairly certain I said, “Probably food or water poisoning then. I’ve seen people think they’ve scored and haul it off to their group only next time anyone sees them they’re all dead. Sometimes the poisoning was intentional sometimes not … like finding canned food in the rubble of a building. That’s why I prefer foraging.”

He sighed and then pulled out a small tent. “OK, so maybe they ate something bad. Either way they were toast and left a mess behind. All I know is they didn’t leave any food behind so either there was more than the three of them and it got hauled off or they just never finished what they started. Regardless I’ve added to the mess by tucking stuff in there. Got a couple of metal barrels of grains, some beans, stuff like that so we won’t starve but this year is going to be tight. I hate to but I’ll probably have to take a couple of jobs and do some trading for what we’ll need. We should go to sleep, long day in the saddle tomorrow.”

I looked at the tent and realized it was time to pay the piper. Asa was pretty good at reading what I let him read and he said, “We’re both tired Gurl … and I want it to be right. It’s not right yet.”

Over the next few days he said that a lot and then he didn’t say it anymore … but not because he did anything. I wondered if he expected me to make the moves so I gave it a try and he went out and was gone for two days. He was back but after that neither one of us brought it up again. It was a little strange but as long as nothing we did approached that particular subject things went well.

After arriving at Asa’s place he showed me around and then after a day of rest we got to work. And boy did we work. It was a good thing that I was in as good a shape as I was. A lot of it was manual labor … moving one pile from one place to another and trying to be organized. We finished off the living area and the bedroom first. We shared the bedroom, we even shared the bed … but the only thing we did in it was sleep.

Eventually I just gave up and let things be what they were. Every couple of weeks Asa would get to acting strange and I finally told him when he felt himself getting that way that it wouldn’t bother me if he needed to go work some of it off … or if he needed me to go for a while.

He shook his head almost violently. “It isn’t you Gurl. Sometimes my skin just crawls and … and the only way to make it stop is to just … just go.”

“To any place in particular?”

“No. In fact it’s only going knowing that I don’t have to be any place in particular that helps get rid of it. I’m … I’m sorry.”

I tossed a twig at him from where I was lying on the ground soaking up some sun. “I don’t know why you need to feel sorry. You hear me apologizing because I don’t feel like talking?”

“That’s different.”

I was going to deny it but didn’t because he was right. “OK, so maybe it is a little. If you go off and get hurt I don’t know how to find you and help. So if you plan on being gone more than a week let me know before you scat for the open spaces. Deal?”

Asa looked at me and asked, “It … it really doesn’t bother you that I just go off?”

“You let me be me so I figure it is only proper that I let you be you. I need to be silent sometimes and sometimes you need to go off on your own. What is there to be bothered about?”

He finally laid down on the ground next to me and said, “This being with you is so easy it’s getting scary.”

“Nothing to be scared of Asa. We have a goal. We have a plan on how to get there. We’re working on it. So what if we hit a few bumps along the way? We get along don’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we constantly yapping at each other and making each other miserable?”

“Well … I’m not miserable. Are you?”

“No. And I’ll be honest and say I didn’t expect it to be this easy either. Are you lonely anymore?”

“No, not really.”

I rolled over on my side and looked at him. “That doesn’t sound definite. Is there anything I can do to make you all the way not lonely?”

He sat up and said, “Nope. Everything’s fine. I better get back to work.”

I wasn’t sure what was going on but I hadn’t exactly been talking about what he obviously thought I was talking about. Usually, weather permitting, and it did most of the time, when Asa got like that I would go forage for a while.

Amaranth was one that I brought in pretty regularly as it grew abundantly in the old waste areas left by a now defunct logging industry. Bee Balm tastes a little like oregano and I used it to flavor the game that Asa or I would bring in. Burdock was one of our favorites and we had it once a week. It was easy to find along the remains of an old road that was about three miles from Asa’s homestead. The others that I found and brought back were catnip, cattail, chickweed, chiming bells borage, and several others.

In June I found something called prairie turnips, wild strawberries, but best of all gooseberries. I’d never had a gooseberry and Asa laughed again at the way I almost ate them until I was sick. When I asked Asa if he knew how to build a dehydrator he treated it like a challenge and by the time he was finished I was almost sorry I’d put him up to it. It was solar powered but he put fans in it and a glass door and more trays than I was afraid I could ever fill.

“We’ll fill them next summer after we get a garden in. You’re better at this than I figured or I would have said let’s just go ahead and start one this year.” After thinking he said, “Is there anything else you want?”

“Nothing that can’t wait.”

“Pretend you don’t have to. Look around, what would you like?”

Willing to play his game I said, “An easier way to do laundry than to take it down to the river and beat it to death and then have to haul it cold and wet back here to hang it up.”

He nodded and said, “I can do that. Even have all the parts for it already because I don’t want to have to break ice to do laundry during the winter. As soon as I finish the ventilation system and get that cooler rigged up I’ll get on it.”

There was no telling him to slow down once he got an idea in his head. Mostly I just provided manual labor when I wasn’t off exploring. In July we added raspberries and something Asa called serviceberries. They were really good. In fact for the first time in my memory everything seemed good. Well, almost everything, but nothing is perfect. So what if Asa had a few quirks, I wasn’t exactly quirk free.

Every day that went by Asa and I seemed to accomplish something; and we did it together. I wasn’t used to that, that feeling. It made my chest hurt sometimes. For the first time in my living memory I had a friend … a real friend. The lack of that other? Compared to finding out what a real friendship was it was nothing. Every day there was something to smile about if not laugh about. When I ate alone it wasn’t because I had to. When I walked alone it wasn’t because I had to. When I felt like talking there was someone there to listen. When I had a question I couldn’t find the answer to on my tablet there was someone I could ask and if he didn’t know he had a whole library we could hunt the answer down in … together. Then the rest of the world wanted a piece of the pie.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 17

I knew Asa had a nice radio set up I just never paid it much attention. The rest of the world didn’t matter to me, not really. No doubt that is a selfish attitude but it’s how I feel. I might change my mind down the road but I’m not sure. I was in a comfortable place.

I thought Asa felt the same way, but I thought wrong. I came in from a morning forage run and found that Asa wasn’t where I expected him to be. He’d said he was working on some power conduit thing and that he needed some space because it was frustrating him. When I couldn’t find him I began to wonder whether he had gone on one of his “rides” when I looked in the seldom used – or what I thought was the seldom used – communications room. That’s what Asa called it but the door stayed closed so I just assumed … well, I don’t know what I assumed exactly. No matter how you look at it assuming was a stupid thing to do.

“Rob, I’ve got a mess of things to do here at my place. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come.”

(garbled static was all I could hear)

“I know it’s important but so is what I’m doing right now.”

(more garbled noise)

“No, sending someone to pick me up will not help me go any faster … as a matter of fact interfering with what I aim to do and getting underfoot is a sure fire way of slowing me down.”

(more gobbledy-gook)

“Sure, I miss the girls too but they’ve got Ash and Rowan for brothers and I’ve got work I need to do. I’ll radio in a few days and let you know if I’ve been able to clear my schedule any faster.”

Asa sighed and then turned the radio off. He turned and jumped when he saw me. He asked a little belligerently, “How long have you been standing there? I don’t like being spied on.”

I don’t want to say my feelings were hurt because mostly I was just startled. Still, it was enough to shut me down. I turned and left without a word and went outside. I was in the mood for a walk of my own.

There was a particular rock that I found to be comfortable. I called it my thinking rock … or my not-thinking rock depending on my mood. The chokecherries were ripe enough to eat so that’s what I did and got so full I simply sacked out for a while. I woke up when the sun wasn’t as warm as it had been and found I must have slept through a bit of rain. It was getting cool-ish so I knew I needed to go back to Asa’s place and change.

I was coming down the path when he came thundering at me on his horse. “Where have you been?!”

I answered, “Out.”

He complained, “You were gone hours.”

“So?”

He said, “You didn’t tell me where you were going.”

I told him, “I never tell you where I’m going. You don’t either.”

He denied it. “Yes I do.”

I shook my head. “No, you don’t. We’ve been through this too many times. Anytime I ask you shut me out because it makes you uncomfortable. I leave it alone because I understand the feeling.”

Ignoring what I’d said he ordered, “You can’t just take off like that. You don’t know how to take care of yourself.”

I told him, “I haven’t done too bad a job thus far. It’s not exactly like you’ve been giving me lessons. I haven’t brought home any poisonous plants. I bring home small game between the big ones that you’ve brought in. I do all the cooking. I learned how to take care of the horse I ride by watching you and she seems to like me just fine. I bring in all of the forage for our fresh food and I’ve brought in what has been dried. You built the dehydrator but I’m the only one using it.”

Angrily he asked, “Then why are you even here?”

“Because I said I would be. And in case you haven’t noticed I haven’t left. I just took a few moments for myself because I don’t like being snarled at. I didn’t know that it was a secret that you were talking to Rob.”

A cool wind blew and I shivered. I was done talking. I headed back to Asa’s place but when I got there I saw he’d barred the door and locked it. It was all I could do to not panic. I’d stopped wearing my backpack everywhere I went, I thought that here was a place I could stay. I thought this was a place I could stay and there would always be room for me. In that moment I stopped feeling that way. I knew with absolute certainty that I was in the wrong place … not a bad place, but it was the wrong place now; might have been the wrong place all along. I wasn’t sure.

“Guess you need me for something.” He was trying to joke but it fell flat. He sensed it almost immediately. “I guess that was a dumb thing to say. I … uh … I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”

“OK.”

He tried to start a conversation and all I wanted to do was get to my backpack. “Look, about that radio call …”

“You don’t need to say anything. It’s none of my business, not really.”

“Well, the thing is … I … uh … I need to go do some business. We’ll need winter supplies. I’ll be gone for a few weeks and you should know how to run the radio.”

“No I won’t.”

“Sure you will, in case something goes wrong.”

“No … because I won’t be here. I’m going back to give Carmine his saddle and stuff … probably the horse too. I don’t know that I can take care of it over the winter.”

Startled he said, “What do you mean? Sure, you’ll be here and …”

I looked him full in the eyes. “No Asa, I won’t. You’ve changed your mind. I don’t know why I didn’t see it until now but that’s why you’ve been leaving more and more. That’s why you’ve never even tried to kiss me after that first time … you don’t want any tangles or regrets. That’s why it was so easy for so long, because it was all superficial. We’re friends … but even that’s changing isn’t it?”

“That’s not true! You said you’d stay!”

“And I have. But you leave more and more. Your skin crawls because you can’t handle what’s here. The only difference between the way things were before and the way things are now is me. I’ve invaded your hole in the wall and it’s not the same for you as it was.”

Refusing to listen to what I was saying he said, “It was just a radio call Gurl!”

“But this isn’t the first one from them. They’ve called before or you’ve called them. Don’t deny it; I could sense it in your conversation. They’ve asked you to come before now and the only reason you haven’t is because you are trying to show them they can’t whistle and you’ll heel. It had nothing to do with preferring my company or anything like that. Be honest with yourself even if you can’t be honest with me.”

Shaking his head he said, “You … you don’t understand.”

“I do,” I told him. “A lot better than you think. I knew that …”

“Knew what? That I wasn’t good enough?”

I sighed. “Don’t be stupid. I knew that you had reservations … you just wanted someone to understand what you’d been through and keep you from being lonely. You weren’t being mean about it, you really meant it. But reality isn’t what you thought it would be. It was fun at first, a lot of fun; for both of us. But winter is setting in Asa … how are you going to run when the snow locks you up here with me … and you can’t get out?”

In desperation he said, “I’ll get used to it. I told you I was going to do the best I can!”

I sighed, “You already have Asa and it just isn’t working for you. Leave off already. It isn’t your fault and it isn’t my fault. We just jumped the gun. We both wanted something that didn’t really exist. You must have known it someplace inside yourself because you never trusted me enough to try and help with the sex stuff.”

“Hey! That’s none of your …”

“ … business?” After he realized what he’d said all the stuffing seemed to go out of him. “I tried Asa. I haven’t got a real clue beyond basic biology but I was willing to try. You shut me out … and let’s be honest, I let you shut me out. Forever is a long time for you to think that stuff isn’t any of my business.”

Angrily he said, “You mean you need a real man.”

I shook my head. “I could have been satisfied with the status quo. I was satisfied with just being your friend, respecting the boundaries that you set. You’re the one who isn’t. You’re the one that has been wondering if you made a mistake and not willing to do anything about it but wonder; wonder until it is making you sick. Well, I have to be friend enough to accept it. You gave me a place to lay my head, but now it is time for me to move on.”

Quietly he said, “I promised if things didn’t work out that you could stay until you found a place before winter set in.”

“I’m releasing you from that promise. I’ll figure it out, I always do. As soon as I give Carmine back his stuff I’ll start looking. I won’t tell anyone where this place is and I won’t burden you by coming back.”

I’d finally worked my way around to where my pack was and I picked it up and it dawned on me, I’d never even unpacked it much. My spare clothes were on a shelf nearby for convenience but everything else was still in there where I kept it.

“You’re not leaving now?! It was just a radio call!”

I leaned against the wall because it took so much energy just to deal with the whole enormity of my mistake. “When are you leaving to go to Gill’s place?”

“I planned on leaving tomorrow.”

“Good enough. I’ll follow you back, give to Carmine what belongs to him and then do what I have to do … for both our sakes.”

“What do you mean for both our sakes?”

Getting irritated at what seemed like his intentional obtuseness I asked him, “What do you think I mean Asa? You’ve been making yourself sick because you couldn’t tell me, couldn’t say ‘I made a mistake.’ And now that I’ve figured it out I can’t just sit around investing more and more of me knowing that eventually you’re just going to ride off and never be able to come back and face it. I’m not a person who can live like that. And you can’t keep running away hoping things will eventually be different from when you left. Deal with it. You know you made a mistake. It’s written all over your face. At least let us part while we are some kind of friends in case we run into each other down the road.”

Then he got mad. “Fine. Whatever. It’s obvious you never meant to stay. You can’t deal with me only being half a man.”

Trying hard not to lose my temper I told him, “Stop using clichés. If you can’t have sex that’s one thing and I already told you I was more than prepared to live with that. If you won’t have sex that’s a different issue. And frankly I don’t know which it is. Can’t is not your fault. Won’t is a willful choice on your part. And if it is something you are choosing not to do then there’s a reason for the choice … and that I don’t understand, that being left to hang in limbo not understanding is what I can’t live with. Why you felt the need to be so secretive about your radio communications I don’t understand either. It’s not like I was ever going to bite your head off for it. I know you have a business. I know you are in demand for your skills. I know you need people in a way I don’t. Have I ever tried to make you do anything? We agreed to accept how we each were. We agreed to give each other as much space as we needed. Is that what I did wrong? Did I give you so much space you didn’t think it mattered to me how you felt?”

Frustrated he shouted, “I don’t know! OK. I … I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right.”

As a counter point to his shout that echoed in the cavern I said quietly, “Then there’s your answer.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 18

It was very tense for the remainder of the day. Asa alternated between depression and anger. When I didn’t respond to either one he accused me of some very uncool things. When I didn’t react to that he later apologized, and I think he was honestly sorry. But he then tried to cuddle when we went to bed and by then the very idea made my skin crawl. I didn’t push him away but I didn’t participate either. When it turned into the disaster I had come to expect he blamed me for what didn’t happen. I refused to let any of it hurt me.

The three-day ride back to Gill’s settlement wasn’t as bad; it wasn’t like it used to be but it wasn’t near as awful as the last day at Asa’s homestead had been. I had hopes of us being something close to friends; I had enjoyed the feeling and while I knew that is all it would ever be I didn’t want to completely burn all of my bridges. Asa was smart, and he was good at what he did; I hadn’t minded learning from him.

We were less than a mile from the settlement when we were stopped by three men that Asa knew. They were a sec patrol and they greeted him cordially; me, not so much.

“Robbie … Jordan … I thought you two worked at O’Doul’s,” Asa said with a polite but confused smile.

“Did … come up in the world some thanks to Hendricks,” one of them answered.

The other guy agreed. “Sure ‘nuff. What are you doing out this way? Last I heard you were going to over winter someplace else.”

Asa shrugged, “Rob called a couple of times with a list of things that needed work at the settlement. That’s my business so here I am.”

The three men looked at each other and nodded. The guy that Asa had called Robbie asked me in an oily voice, “And what about you little lady? Huh? Heard O’Doul himself was looking for a few new girls to liven up the place.”

I ignored the insinuation and their rude laughter. I knew O’Doul’s was the settlement’s one and only saloon. It was a bit of information I’d tucked away from one of Asa’s soliloquies about all the things he didn’t like about Gill’s town. Then the other guy, the one I hadn’t caught the name of said, “Hey, that looks like Carmine’s horse and tack.”

I shrugged, “That’s because it is. He lent them to me short term. I was supposed to bring it back when I came back this way.”

“Sure you did girlie,” the guy named Jordan said. He tried to jerk me out of the saddle. When I wrenched free Robbie struck me from behind. After that it was on with Asa and the nameless guy trying to stop the fight. Robbie and Jordan were decent but I fought like a girl which is to say mean, dirty, and vicious. I was already shorter than them but I made it even harder by staying low which gave them an even smaller target. It also meant they had to bend which threw off their center of gravity and made them clumsy. I stayed around my horse who knew me and was used to me around her legs. I rolled under her and when one of the guys tried to follow me he got a painful kick to the collar bone for his trouble.

That only made the other guy madder. I held my own but his arms were longer and he got a solid punch to the back of my head in that really took me to my knees. That’s when there was the sound of a revolver being discharged.

Asa was furious. “I ought to gut you worthless low-lifes right here.”

He pulled me to my feet and behind him. The nameless guy was laying into the Robbie and Jordan too. “You idiots!” He said a few other choice words but they all amounted to the same general idea and it wasn’t God bless you. “Asa, this just got out of hand. We’re all jumpy. Carmine was ambushed and some other things are going on you don’t know about.”

I felt Asa stiffen where I was using his back to keep my balance. “How bad?”

“Carmine? He’s alive but he’s a mess. Just got outta the clinic this morning. Foul as a bear with a snout full of bees. We got squatters on the eastern border; refugees from the Outlands because they’ve started to shut down the refugee camps and send people back to the cities … and some are running because they don’t want to go. McCollough raided us from the north – their oats and barley didn’t make – and Carmine got ambushed on the Western border. You see how it is.”

“No, not like this. Whatever troubles there are is no excuse for this. Gurl isn’t even five feet tall and a stiff wind blows her over if she don’t keep sand in her boots. And not one but two sec team members …”

The guy called Jordan mumbled through fat lips that I’d given him, “She didn’t do so bad.”

Asa nearly pistol whipped him before I said in as indifferent a voice as I could manage, “No biggie Asa. They got their licks in, I got mine. It’s over. I just want to take the horse and tack to Carmine, put what lecture he tries to give behind me, and then do what I said.”

Asa didn’t argue … but he didn’t put his gun away either as I shakily climbed into the saddle. Asa told Nameless Guy, “Camine’s down and the sec teams are going to the dogs. No wonder there’s border trouble.”

Nameless Guy looked reluctant to say, “Carmine ain’t sec boss no more Asa. Hendricks is. That’s what I mean by things are going on you don’t know.”

Asa snarled, “Then I guess we know what kind of sec boss that makes Hendricks.”

Riding, never my strong suit, turned into an agony by the time we rode up Main Street. The patrol had obviously radioed ahead because we were met on the street by Gill and a guy that reminded me of someone that had been used to getting by on his looks when he was younger but thought he’d toughened up with age only he had turned into a bully instead of a hero. That guy was Hendricks; good looking if you went for his type, but weasel underneath.

Right as Asa opened his mouth to really let fly with what he thought Gill, pointing to a local business establishment said, “Why don’t we discuss this over a meal at Hattie’s. Long ride and you’re bound to be hungry. Man thinks better with a full stomach.”

Despite all that had gone between us I was proud of Asa when he said so that anyone listening could hear, “So you can ignore me and pretend nothing bad happened? No way. I’m not letting this get swept under the rug. A sec patrol tried to shake us down. Two of your men attacked Gurl with absolutely no provocation. Has the settlement changed that much since last time I was here? If I knew that I wouldn’t have come. What happened to people’s rights?”

Hendricks said, “Rights get earned by citizens. You’re not a citizen and you’re starting to forget who you’re talking to … boy.”

I saw Gill try to hide a wince when the crowd that had gathered started to murmur. I didn’t make it any easier on him when I added a little fuel to the fire. “Rights aren’t earned little man, they are endowed by our Creator. When’s the last time you actually read the Constitution?”

Hendricks started to say something but Gill cut him off. “Obviously there’s been a mistake. Let’s go see what we can do about it.”

Hendricks made a bad mistake and I was glad I had avoided being on Gill’s side thus far. “Wait! I’m out two of my sec men! I know what needs to be done!”

I said, “Your men? Really? I thought they were Gill’s people, or that they worked for the settlement. You’re just a newcomer from what I heard and not doing such a hot job if you look at the danger the settlement has come to recently. Maybe they need to rethink why they hired you.”

I don’t know where it would have gone if Carmine hadn’t shown up. He came limping down Main Street and you could see the steam coming out of his ears. As soon as I saw him all I wanted to do was give him his stuff and get out of there. Throwing my leg over the saddle was a lot harder than it should have been. I slid to the ground then tried to put the reins in his hands. “Here. Returned as promised.”

He took one look at my face and then yelled, “What the Sam Hill?! What in the name of all that’s holy happened to her?!!”

Asa was giving an explanation when I noticed little black spots dancing in front of my eyes no matter where I looked. Then my ears started ringing. I would have put it down to Carmine’s shouting if I could have but when my knees wouldn’t stay locked in the upright position I knew I was in trouble. It wasn’t Asa who caught me before I hit the dirt.

“Hendricks are you telling me with your face all hanging out that two of your recruits did this? My Lord! I ain’t in top shape and I can still pick her up in one arm. She weighs less than Rosie does.”

I remember trying to tell him that it wasn’t any of his business how much I weighed but my consciousness just sort of floated off before I could form the words.

*****

I’m not sure how long I was out but when I woke I knew it was dark and that there were two other people in the room with me.

“Are you sure this time Asa? It just killed me when you told me you were going off with her.”

“You deserve a whole man Violet. I shouldn’t do this to you but I can’t stop myself.”

Rather than dwelling on the fact that he hadn’t been with Violet because she deserved a whole man which meant he obviously thought I didn’t since he’d done to me what he couldn’t do to Violet I cracked my eyes open and croaked, “Do it or don’t but stop beating around the bush.” I could see their lover-like embrace in the moonlight and added, “Whatever problem you had with me you obviously don’t have with her.”

Asa and Violet jumped apart. “It isn’t like that Gurl,” Asa said trying to explain.

“Sure it is,” I said. “Go away and deal with it. Do it or don’t, just stop with the Shakespearean tragedy.”

Violet whispered, “You don’t understand.”

“And don’t care to. I don’t need or want the details. Just go and leave me alone. Romeo and Juliet turned my stomach the very first time I read it.”

Asa wouldn’t shut up. “I didn’t mean anything bad Gurl. I was going to stick by my word. I would have if you hadn’t decided to leave. I never meant to hurt you.”

His obvious sincerity was making me nauseous. “Road to hell is paved with good intentions Asa. Had I known about you and Violet I never would have said yes.”

“There is no me and Violet,” he denied even though I’d heard what they’d just said. “There can’t be. Her father …”

“Stop making excuses. Leave. Now. Before I make enough noise to get you two noticed and you have to explain before you’re ready to.”

They scuttled after that. I lay there, my chest burning. I felt shaky … was shaking. I tried to roll over to get up and felt like I was going to puke. I struggled but finally got upright. I started to put my feet on the ground when a hand stopped me. “That’s as far as you need to go. Can’t believe you even pulled yourself up as far as you did after the beating you took.”

I groaned, “Go away Carmine.”

“Can’t. The two ‘love birds’ are billing and cooing and are in my way.” His voice held all the scorn and hurt I couldn’t feel.

“Don’t.” I didn’t need his sympathy and couldn’t stand even the idea of his pity.

He helped me sit up straighter but blocked me from sliding out by sitting on the bed. He took my hand and I was close to jerking it away but stopped when he said, “I don’t know how the two of them kept it a secret unless Carlene is in on it maybe. If I had known I would have said something.”

I looked at him, one eye puffy and half closed, and strangely enough I believed him. “OK.”

Still holding my fingers in his hand he told me, “Things are bad around here. Haven’t been this bad in several years.” He sighed and though I could barely see in the dark, what I could see revealed he looked as sorry as I did.

Trusting Carmine not to lie I asked, “Which direction is the least dangerous?”

“Good question. I noticed you didn’t ask which direction is safe. Glad you didn’t because no place is safe these days. Got my own clock cleaned though I have some idea how it might have happened. And you’re in no shape to travel.”

Too tired to be angry I nevertheless said, “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”

Carmine shook his head. “Be stubborn all you want Gurl, but use some sense. Give it a day or two; get your feet under you. You’re hurting right now.”

I pulled my hand free of his and said, “He can’t hurt me. I don’t have those kinds of feelings.”

Quietly Carmine said, “I was talking about your bruises, not Asa.”

I cringed inside and wanted to curl into a ball. “Get some sleep Gurl while I go talk to Asa and give him a piece of my mind. I’ll be back in the morning.”

I feigned obedience – something I was good at – and refused to feel the little bit of satisfaction at what Carmine said that tried to creep in. Carmine got up and left the room, closing the door gently behind him. I knew I had very little time to get as far as I could.

Sitting up the second time on my own was easier than the first time. When I stood up I spotted my clothes and back pack on a nearby chair. I pulled out the old coverall that I had altered and shoved my other clothes into the pack. Lucky for me I was on the ground floor of the clinic and even luckier someone had used beeswax on the window sash; it opened without a sound.

I finally got out and started walking. My muscles loosened up and I headed west. Supposedly there were no settlements out that direction for hundreds of miles because of the Badlands. As the sun came up I found a hole and crawled in. I vaguely recall hearing horses and men but they didn’t wake me completely. What woke me was the temperature dropping after the sun went down.

I woke stiff and hungry. I dug in my pack for some jerky and chewed on it as I hunted some drinking water. Some One was looking out for me, there was a painfully cold seep coming straight out of a rock a half mile from where I had camped.

I walked that night until the sun started to rise. Found another hole and crawled in it. I slept both the day and night away that time. After waking up I walked in the sunlight avoiding open areas as much as possible and after another night in a rude camp I came the next day to the Badlands. Once there I headed north until I reached real forest again. I didn’t know exactly where I was but I knew my general position based on landmarks and old signs that matched the maps that Asa had given me.

By wandering around for a little over a week I finally found the old town I’d been searching for. It was long abandoned and a lot of it had been stripped clean; but I was a street rat¸ I knew where to look for things that other people had overlooked. And I was good at it.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 20

I was to be the thing’s next meal. I could see it in its eyes. As my mousey little heart wanted to give up and give out my ratty brain saw my one chance of escape. I knew I wouldn’t be able to out run it. As the thing belly crawled toward me and then wiggled its butt as it prepared to pounce I took off my back pack and hid it in a crevice formed by the rocks I stood on. I couldn’t out run it … but I could jump. Right as it bound I jumped into the river … almost too late.

It got a piece of me but only a couple of deep nicks from one paw. It did more damage to the shirt I was wearing than the skin underneath. But I wasn’t out of danger yet. The cat had followed me into the water and still wanted its meal. Unfortunately for both of us the current was bone chillingly cold and powerful. There were lots of rocks and eddies making it even more dangerous. I was taken under by a sieve and barely popped up in time to avoid being smashed to smithereens in a strainer. The cat wasn’t so lucky.

Eventually the current slowed enough that I was able to swim to the side and pull myself onto a small beach. As I lay on the wet mud made of sand and scree I watched the lifeless body of the big cat float by tangled up in a sweeper that had come loose as it tried to climb out in a futile effort to escape death. I should have been sorry for the beautiful creature’s demise but all I could think was that I wish I could to turn its thick fur into a winter coat for me.

I was cold and soaked. My shirt hung from me in tatters and the sole of one of my boots flopped free. I started walking; I was several miles downriver and the hike back wasn’t easy as it was mostly up. Finally I collected my back pack. Good thing that animals couldn’t be embarrassed because my state of dress, or undress as it were, wasn’t what you would refer to as modest.

I was barely able to put one foot in front of the other and by the time I got to the cabin nearly fell down the stairs trying to reach to the basement. I started a fire in the fireplace and stripped out of the remains of my clothes and hung them to dry, then crawled into my bed and shivered myself to sleep. I woke the next morning with a fever. I knew I needed to do something about it but couldn’t find any real desire to do so. It was as if the wild ride down the river the day before had washed away a lot of my desire to live. I slept the night and day away and awoke again in even worse condition.

I was cold and hot at the same time. I hurt from being smashed repeatedly into objects in the water and then the long slog back to the cabin in the cold. I was discouraged. And I suspected, though I found it hard to believe, that I was lonely. Even in the city there were other people. I might not have talked to them but I listened to them. I didn’t have to sit with them to be near them. Out here there was no one. I hadn’t heard a human voice, not even my own, since the last words that I had spoken before I escaped Gill’s settlement. I felt I was bound to fail and no one would even know where my body lay.

But as soon as that thought crossed my mind I became irritated. No one was going to tell me what to do, certainly not my over tired subconscious. I know there was no logic in having such a battle with myself and I suspect it was mostly the fever. But apparently a little anger was what the doctor ordered. I forced myself to get up and go to the bathroom. It was dark and I had to feel my way around, and the air coming up from the toilet made me shiver but it also woke me up even further. I crawled to the fireplace and stirred it up and got it going again. I arranged the grill that I used to hold my cooking pot, put water in it, and dumped in a good handful of dried rose hips and a handful of currants and let them simmer.

I was terribly thirsty but the containers that I kept water in were all empty which was a stupid mistake I vowed not to ever make again. I forced my body into the mud stiffened pants that were dry but filthy and threw a fur poncho – my first attempt at making clothes with the animal skins – over my head. I didn’t have anything on underneath it because of the scrapes and bruises and because I was just too tired to care. I wasn’t concerned with anyone seeing me and if I shocked the squirrels I didn’t give a rip. If they barked too much I would just eat them.

My boots were full of dirt and gravel and I wasted time and energy having to knock them out which of course finally knocked the sole off of the boot that had been threatening to fall apart. I got mad and threw both shoes back into the cabin. I obviously wasn’t thinking too straight but I didn’t realize it at the time.

I walked over to the well and was barely able to move the cover off. I knew that was wrong but let it go. All I could think of was getting a drink. But when I didn’t check the chain I was using to lower and raise my “bucket” and it fell off the handle I paid for it. My chest was tight with frustration. I could see the bucket bobbing right on the surface of the water but if I didn’t get it fast it was going to sink and I didn’t know what I would do then.

I kept bending over trying to reach it. Finally I decided if it didn’t work this time I was going to have to crawl down into the well and get it. I was down in the well with my thighs barely on the rock edge of the hole when I heard, “Hello the cabin! Don’t mean to startle you but I smelled your fire. Don’t want any trouble but was wondering if … if … hey … you … you OK?”

I was so angry. Why of all times did my brain pick that moment to finally crack?

I pulled myself up out of the hole as fast as I could and then stood there trying to catch my balance. I pointed at him, “You. Figment of my imagination. Get it.”

His face would have been funny if I wasn’t so angry. “Figment of your …? Get what?”

“My bucket,” I snarled. “I dropped my bucket and I don’t want to climb down in there and get wet like I did yesterday – I’m sick and now obviously crazy – and you very well know it. The cat must have done some damage or I banged my head or something. So, if you are going to just pop up you can go down and get it.”

The figment of my imagination eased over and looked down in the well, looked at me, and then reached down and pulled out the bucket that had stubbornly remained out of my reach, water and all. I took it from him and started walking back to the cabin and then realized that figments of a person’s imagination could not actually fetch like I had demanded that he do.

I slowly turned around, looked at the bucket in my hand then looked at him and sat down hard. I remember saying something to the effect “I dropped my bucket and … and you pulled it out. I think you pulled it out. Only now I’ve spilled it. I dropped it and … and now it’s not dropped.”

The man muttered as he put his revolver up, “Dropped the dang bucket. I’ve dropped my dang teeth. Sitting there talking about buckets with your face all hanging out and … hell fire and damnation haven’t you got a lick of sense? You’re barely dressed and now you’re wet.” He picked me up and stamped into the cabin and then cursed thinking he’d gone into the wrong one.

I croaked, “Down.” I was starting to shiver, with shock or cold I couldn’t tell.

He sat me in front of the fire and then said, “I swear by all that is holy I will tie you down if you do not promise me on everything you hold dear that you will be here when I get back.”

I mumbled, “Yeah, whatever.” Right before I started listing to the side.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 21

“I don’t like dogs very much but I’m pretty sure I don’t like cats now either. Especially big cats with big teeth. Little Red Riding Hood should have had a big cat in it, not a wolf.”

“Is that a fact,” the man chuffed in a half chuckle. “Here, let’s get some more broth into you.”

“Don’t throw away my rose hip tea! I don’t have it to waste!!”

“Easy now, just rest easy. You already drank it. Remember?ereHereH

Wouldn’t until I put honey in it like you’re the flaming Queen of Sheba. And where you got honey from is just one of a long list of questions you’re going to answer when you get better.”

“No I won’t, don’t like to talk.”

He snorted. “For someone who don’t like to talk you sure been doing a lot of it.”

I remember trying to turn away, upset that I was talking to this figment of my imagination. I might be crazy, but I still had to be me.

“Now, now … don’t go doing that. I like to hear you talk, even if I can’t put half of what you say into any kind of reasonable order.”

Another time I woke I was so cold I felt like I could barely breathe. “Now hold still. I’m not going to hurt you or take advantage of you. Be still now I said. Yeah, that’s right. Here, now let me hold you. Better?”

There was a figment in my bed. But it was a warm figment so I decided to ignore the obvious illogic of it all. It seemed to take forever but I finally stopped shivering long enough to go to sleep.

Next time I came to myself I was already awake and fighting with the figment which seemed really bizarre. “No!”

“Why in the Sam Hill have you gone so all fired stubborn all of a sudden? Now come on Saloli, drink this broth or … or I’ll sing.”

It was such a strange threat that it stopped any argument I was going to make. “That is a dumb thing to say.”

“Not if you’d ever heard me sing.”

I thought that one through, or at least as far as my foggy brain would let me, and said, “I’m not Rosie. Don’t treat me like a child.”

“Then don’t put me in a position of having to treat you like one to get you to use your common sense. A bit of me has died twice over because of you, I ain’t going down for a third time. You’re getting better if I have to drag you kicking and screaming back to the land of the living. Now drink this dat burn broth or I’ll force feed it to you.”

For the first time I started to really register his presence. His words were ferocious but the tone he used was gentle. On the other hand, I knew him well enough to take him at his word, so I made the choice to comply with his demand. Being force fed in my experience was messy and I had no desire to have to get up and change my shirt as cold as it was.

Which led me to trying to figure out where the shirt I had on had come from and what it was doing on me. Too late, the warm broth had done its work and I was asleep again.

I eventually woke once again, but this time to the sensation of prickles against my forehead. “Ugh.”

He must not have been hard asleep because he jumped a little and mumbled, “Thirsty?”

“No. Move your prickles, they itch.”

He eased me back and sat up and I groaned as his body heat was taken away. He wasn’t gone long, in fact he wasn’t really gone at all; he’d just reached over to turn on a lamp that nearly blinded me.

“Where did that thing come from?” I asked squinting at the brightness.

“My gear. Let’s have a look … yep, looks like you’re really awake this time. How you feeling Saloli?”

Focusing on a word that made no sense to my ears I asked, “What’s … what’s that you called me?”

“Squirrel.”

“Why … why are you calling me squirrel?”

“Don’t know, just seems to fit. I think you’re going to sit still in one place but go to look and you’ve scurried someplace else. You sit and bark at me and just when I think you’re within reach, you’re gone and nowhere to be seen.”

“Oh.” I sat for a minute absorbing that while he watched me. “Are you really here Carmine or am I cracked?”

He gave a familiar chuff that I must have heard a hundred times while I was fever-ridden. “Well, if you was cracked I’d most likely tell you I was real anyway but you aren’t cracked so if I tell you I’m real will you believe me?”

Irritated I told him, “If you are going to make me think that hard I’m going back to sleep.”

His chuff turned into a chuckle and I felt him gently sitting me up and then fluffing something behind me so I wasn’t against cold the hard wood of the wall that served as the head board of the bed. “You got a nice little set up here Gurl. Nice and tight against the weather and it looks like you’ve managed to get you some supplies laid in too. Mind a little company? I’ll throw in what I’ve got and we’ll be set up like Midas.”

I looked at him and then looked around noticing piles of stuff that hadn’t been there before he came. “OK, but only so long as it is you.” I felt like folding up on myself and whispered, “And only you.”

He pulled me back up into a more comfortable position and said, “It’s only me; don’t even have any animals.”

I nodded. After he came back from his ablutions I asked him, “If you don’t have a horse how did you get here?”

“Solar hybrid wagon. Kind of like the one I met you in.”

A picture formed in my mind but then I shook my curiosity away and asked, “But what are you doing here? I …” I groaned as my head started thumping.

“I’d ask you to stop thinking but if our positions were reversed and you said that to me I’d be cussed mad. I’ll explain it all after you’ve gotten washed up and I’ve changed the bedding to something fresh. Looks like you finally sweated out the last of the fever.”

It was then I noticed I smelled pretty ripe and while I tried not to be upset – I mean why the heck should I care – I was still uncomfortable. “Come on, let’s get you up and I’ll put some warm water in the tub and you can have a soak while I take care of this.”

“I’m not going upstairs, I can feel the cold pressing in. Besides, there’s only a shower up there.”

“Cranky,” he chuffed. “It’s a hip tub and it’s over by the fireplace. I’ve been dunking you in it for the past five days.”

I was shocked. “Five … five days?! I … I don’t … remember … I …”

“Hey. ‘Nuff of that,” he said noticing how confused I was. “I didn’t tell you to get you upset and you don’t have anything to be upset about anyway. Come on, you always seem to feel better after a soak.”

I was having a hard time articulating why I felt as I did. It wasn’t over modesty – or at least that’s what I told myself – though there was some of that in there. Intellectually I knew that I had been sick and he’d been trying to take care of the fever the best way he could. Still, the very idea of being helpless for five days and have him in total control of me right down to feeding me and bathing me … I trusted this man but I’d never really thought about trusting him that much. And here I was finding out I didn’t have to think about it at all, he was simply trustworthy. It was like the universe had shifted.

I started coughing and it felt like I was bringing up a lung. “Whoa, easy there … maybe a dunk isn’t such a good idea. I’m going to lay you down on a pallet by the fire and …”

“No … I’m … I’m fine. Just … coughing.”

He sat on the bed and said, “I know you’re awake now Gurl, but don’t start fighting me. I swear that I’m not going to take advantage of you or force you into anything. I’m not them SEPH people that locked you up. I’m not Asa who took advantage of you to hide his own inadequacies. I’m not any of the people you were forced to learn not to trust. When I say something, it isn’t to control you or hurt you or manipulate you … at least not on purpose. I wouldn’t like it if I was in your shoes and if I’m ever down I hope I can trust I’d get the same from you.”

My head was throbbing. “Don’t play me Carmine. Please … don’t play me.” I hated the whiny weakness I heard in my own voice.

Like a promise he said, “You won’t ever get that from me. You might not like me all the time, but it won’t be because I’m playing you. I’ve got too much respect for you Squirrel.”

“I’m not a squirrel, I’m a rat.”

“Squirrels are just tree rats, so what’s the difference?”

I couldn’t come up with an answer for that so I let him help me over to the tub but then made him turn loose of me so I could go to the bathroom. I washed up at the wash stand I had put in there and had to admit I did start to feel better. My legs still shook but my head was clearer than it had been in a while.

I came out and Carmine was coming back down to the basement. I looked the question at him and he said, “Been hanging the bedding upstairs to air out. And the cold air kills any germs that might be hiding in them. We’ll do a washing if we can get some clear weather. Right now there’s got to be twelve inches on the ground.”

Twelve inches … of snow?!”

I tried to go look and Carmine said, “It can wait until you aren’t just inches back from having the Outbreak.”

I shook my head. “I couldn’t have the Outbreak virus. I’m immune.”

“Immune to which clade?”

“Immune, immune as in from all of them.”

His head jerked up and he asked, “You sure?”

“If I still had my chip and you had a reader I could prove it.”

He shook his head, “Then there’s no way you could have brought it in.” I stumbled and he tried to guide me back to the bed but I indicated I wanted to sit by the fire. “Let me put a quilt over that rocker first,” he said and then did so. After I sat he shoved a camp stool – must have been his – under my feet and then put a heavy blanket I didn’t recognize over me, another item that must have been his.

After I settled I asked, “What couldn’t I have brought it in?”

“That’s part of why I’m out here. You … you sure you’re up to this? It ain’t nice and pretty.”

I looked at his face and there was a deep sorrow behind his eyes that he was trying to mask. “If it concerns you being out here by yourself then it’s important.”

He humphed but not in a sarcastic way, just a little surprised and gratified at the same time if I was reading him right. He pulled a folding camp chair over and then I moved my feet so he could share the stool. He looked at me and chuffed. “You don’t do things by half measure do you?”

“Huh?”

“Is this how it was with Asa? You just said you’d go with him and then you tossed in a hundred percent, no questions asked?”

Talking about Asa made me mildly nauseous given how things had ended but I suppose Carmine needed to know so we wouldn’t be forever tripping over it. “I’m not sure exactly what you mean by that, and I’m not exactly sure what you being here means except … except I’d be dead if you weren’t. And …”

Grumpily he said, “I ain’t after no gratitude.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 21 (Part 2)

It was my turn to chuff for a change. “No worries there. I’m not a very grateful kind of person, ask anyone. I just mean it’s the truth; I would be dead if you hadn’t shown up. I know Some One is watching over me, but He only seems to do it in obvious ways when there’s no way for me to do it for myself. I was pretty far down Starvation Road when he sent me a clumsy elk, something I had no reasonable expectation of. And I was well on the road to being sick … I was ready to climb into that well to get my bucket and would have probably drowned or died of exposure but you … you of all people … show up.”

Shaking his head he said, “That thing isn’t a bucket, it’s a pot with a chain attached to it. And don’t even get me started on the fright you gave me when I figured out just how sick you were. I’d just come from what was left over from the epidemic and there you were so puny and gaunt …” He shuddered like a goose had walked across his grave. “We’ll get back to clumsy elks, giant cats, and honey and apples in the middle of nowhere when my nerves have settled down a bit.”

Ignoring his obvious silliness I focused on what he has said of import. “An epidemic? Of the Outbreak virus? Was it bad?”

“Was it bad she asks.” He sighed and then stared into the fire. “I almost don’t know where to start. Things had been going downhill for a while. Even before Rosie got took. But Gill used that as just one more excuse to tighten the screws. He … I’m pretty sure he did anyway … had the best of intentions, wanted what was best for everyone, but he didn’t seem to understand that it was having the opposite effect of what he meant it to. Instead of the settlement getting stronger as individuals became stronger, the settlement became weaker as people grew dependent on him doing their thinking for them. A few weeks after you left with Asa, Gill and I had a public falling out; bad enough to embarrass him and he … uh … gave the whole job of sec boss to that Hendricks.”

Still shocked despite having known for months I told him, “I couldn’t believe it when Asa and I found out about it. That man was not fit to walk in your boot prints much less your boots … and Gill knew it.”

Surprised he asked, “What makes you say that?”

“About Gill?” At his nod I answered, “By the face that Gill made every time Hendricks opened his mouth to put his foot in.”

Carmine seemed to relax at my answer. “Well good to know I suppose, though after all that happened still hard to believe.”

He sighed and stared into the fire thinking deep thoughts. I didn’t rush him and eventually he continued the story. “I knew which way the wind was blowing. I still owed Gill my life but couldn’t stomach that he expected me to shut up my opinions and look the other way. People ought to know what their limitations are so they don’t embarrass themselves, and I know I’m no politicker. People kept trying to pull me in and I just couldn’t do it. I’d lost some of my respect for Gill by then and a lot of other folks in the settlement too and I couldn’t figure out what the sense was of putting my life on the line day in and day out if no good was going to come of it, if things were just going to get progressively worse. Under the guise of vacating the rooms that had been the sec boss quarters so that Hendricks could have them, I started caching some of my personal things further and further afield. I claimed I was looking for a little place to maybe do some farming – which always brought a laugh until some of the original settlers remembered I’d had a spread of my own until I became sec boss. Someone must have noticed what I was really doing though and after coming back from caching some of my things out of Gill’s territory I got ambushed.”

“I thought that was people trying to push into Gill’s territory?”

“Made to look like that but I had my suspicion even then; but when I came back to the settlement busted up but alive there was a little too much surprise on a few faces. Nothing I could prove but with nothing holding me down I was all but set to leave when you and Asa show back up.” He shook his head. “I swear you’ve got a way of setting things upside down so that people have to look at ‘em in a new way. That little fiasco you had with them fools that Hendricks hired was the last straw for some folks. Your artful collapse broke the heart of more than one hard case.”

“Artful collapse?!” I yelped. “I’ll have you know …” I started coughing, the force of my yelp having dislodged a wad of phlegm that wanted to choke me. Carmine jumped up from his chair and pounded on my back until it was loose enough that I could spit it out. “Sorry,” I wheezed.

“Don’t be; better out than in, same for the poison that was building up in the settlement. It’d been festering for a while and them over eager troops of Hendricks brought some things to a head that needed it. When you disappeared the next morning people said it was because you were afraid that Hendricks was going to come after you personally.”

“Did not,” I grouched. “Hadn’t even thought of that.”

“I know that. You know that. But that’s you and me. Even Asa started to think it but mostly because it was easier for him to think that than to think you’d run off because he’d broken your heart.”

That was almost as bad as the other and I told him so. “Asa did not break my heart. Didn’t even come close. I’ll … ok … I’ll admit that … that I hadn’t expected what happened to happen, but he didn’t break my heart.” He looked at me and it was about the most uncomfortable thing I’d felt in a long time. “What are you staring at?” I demanded.

“I’m trying to figure out what did happen if he didn’t break your heart.”

Irritated I snapped, “I don’t have those kinds of feelings. I told you that.”

“Yeah and the moon’s made of green cheese and the stars are the mice chasing after it. Fess up, what happened.”

I sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. We were friends and getting along great for the most part and then one day we weren’t and I just realized … that he was sorry. I didn’t know he was sorry because I wasn’t Violet, he never made me feel that way, I never even suspected it … but I did know he was sorry he’d gotten himself in the situation he was in. I found out he was keeping things from me – calls on the radio from Rob and maybe from Gill too. I wouldn’t have cared but just the way he reacted to it set me off. Then some things were said and … look, it just wasn’t nice, and I don’t want to hash it out again. Bottom line, he wasn’t strong enough to admit he’d made a mistake and I had to be friend enough not to keep making him miserable. End of story.”

Quietly he asked, “What do you mean for the most part y’all got along? He … he didn’t hit you did he?”

“Are you kidding? What do you take me for? Besides, you saw what I did to those guys of Hendricks. If Asa had been like that it would have only happened once and that better be all I need to say on the subject.”

He gave a startled laugh and said, “Heard loud and clear Saloli.”

“Why do you keep calling me that?”

“Because I know it irritates you.”

I rolled my eyes, “An honest man.”

“Yeah.” Then his smile faded. “You know I looked for you. I didn’t just take it in stride that you ran off.”

I nodded, “I was afraid you would.”

Frustrated he asked, “Then why did you run off like that?”

Uncomfortably I admitted, “Because if anyone had a snowball’s chance in Hades of talking me out of leaving I was afraid it would be you. And I couldn’t stand the idea of you feeling sorry for me because things didn’t work out between me and Asa. I needed to go. I didn’t know … know that … that maybe we could have … you know … maybe … travelled together.”

I started coughing again and Carmine reached over and poured a cup of what turned out to be rose hip tea that he liberally dosed with honey. “For your disposition,” he said when he handed it to me. “You need the sweetening up.”

He sat back in his chair and scratched his head for a second before saying, “Maybe you did need to leave. Not because I wouldn’t have gladly travelled with you but because I still had too much baggage hanging around my neck and if I’d had to consider a second person I might not have thought leaving was a viable solution to my problems.” He scratched his head again and then leaned back and put his slipper covered feet up on the stool next to mine again. “A week after you left the first case of the virus showed up at Rob’s clinic. He quarantined the man but by then it was too late. It started popping up all over the settlement; up in McCullough’s territory and in the squatters’ camps, and in a couple of settlements to the south as well. Of course only one in ten or something like that is completely immune to all the clades. But usually if you’ve had one, any subsequent infections are milder than if you’d never had it. But none of the kids under ten in the settlements are immune and most of them hadn’t had it. Rob did the best he could but it hit the school.”

I winced waiting for the horror to leave his voice. “You forget what it’s like. You can’t believe you ever can but you do. I’m immune too so I did what I could but it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough for some. Gill’s territory only lost ten percent of its population … McCullough’s, already suffering from lack of food, lost closer to forty percent and that may have climbed, I don’t know. The epidemic was heading into the Outlands last I heard but it’s easier to control the further east you travel because of the tech they have available and the medical care which is better.”

“A lot of people wanted to know where it came from. Rob has strict rules about contamination and contact. Hendricks floated the story that you brought it in and since you weren’t around to deny it or prove otherwise too many people were willing to believe it. Asa said it wasn’t possible but people will believe what they want to … and I never even thought to ask him why he was so sure either.”

“Why? Is it so hard to believe?”

“No, just … by that time Rob was having kittens after finding out about Asa and Violet. He’d been wanting Asa to … er … I mean Jasmine and Lily …”

“You mean that Rob was thinking about doing a little social engineering and having Asa impregnate one or both of his younger daughters.”

“Sounds even nastier when you say it than when Asa said it.”

“I’m just calling it what it is … not that Asa could have done it. He … er … I mean …”

“Has problems in that department?” he guessed correctly. “I still remember what you said that night.”

“Let’s just say … you don’t need your imagination for your answer. I’m not so sure he’ll have the same kind of problem with Violet but it’s none of my business either way. So go on with what you were saying.”

He saw how uncomfortable I was discussing it and let it go. Continuing he said, “Carlene got bad sick and so did the rest of their house, except for Rosie who may be another immune because of how sick she was the first time around. Even Rob got sick but just enough to knock him down for a day or two. Jasmine and Lily … it’ll be six to twelve months before Rob can tell whether they’ve lost their fertility or not. The girls ain’t near so detached about it as they try to play they are. And after Rob spewed his anger all over – acting a lot more like Gill than I’d ever seen him act – Carlene asked Asa to take Violet and Rosie and go to his place for a while until things calmed down. Part of me feels bad for that family and part of me …”

At his tense shrug I told him, “Don’t be mad on my account Carmine. It’s done and over with. It’s not … comfortable to talk about but I’m not pining away for him if that’s what you think.”

“Good.”

I didn’t know what to make of that so I asked, “But you still haven’t said what finally made you leave.”

He sighed and answered, “It was Gill. Despite all that had happened he still believed his way was the best way and Hendricks, the bootlicker, told him exactly what he wanted to hear. He also started turning Gill against me. I didn’t want to leave on hard terms and tried to talk to Gill about it, but he kept turning it around to make it seem like I was being disloyal, that I needed to prove myself to him even after all the years I’d willingly followed him, even after he didn’t have any more real authority over me. That was the last straw. I got out just in time too it seems. I was running with no lights heading to the west when I noticed a glow in the rearview mirror. The house I’d been shacked up in had been set ablaze. From what I gathered from the radio communications that night and the next day they believe I died in the fire.”

I didn’t know what to say except, “It was wrong what they did. It shouldn’t have happened that way. People should be able to come and go on their own terms.”

He put his feet on the ground and stood up before saying, “Yeah they should. Now … if you don’t mind me telling you something for your own good you need to get back in that bed. I’m gonna go out and bring in some wood before dark sets in and I’ll be a lot easier in my mind while doing it if I know you are tucked up under them quilts.”

I drew breath to automatically say the exact opposite of what he wanted me to do but stopped. It took a lot but I finally said, “OK. This time. Next time I get up I’ll be stronger.”

He smiled like I’d given him a gift. “No doubt about it Saloli.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 22

Getting back on my feet was more difficult than I expected and harder than I wanted to admit. I tried to use sense, but it bothered me to have Carmine all but waiting on me hand and foot. OK, maybe not waiting on me hand and foot but in the beginning certainly close to it.

“Will you stop? You make my ears hurt with all that complaining. I mean, it isn’t like you didn’t just nearly die on me or anything. I mean you don’t still sound like you are trying to cough up a lung in the morning, oh no nothing like that. Nope, you should be out there chopping wood so I don’t have to. Lord knows you’re so big you should be able to …”

Caught between being irritated and chagrinned I told him, “Stop it. You’re being ridiculous.”

He snorted, “Now you know how I feel about this. You were sick Gurl; bad, bad sick. If you want to get well so you can do all those things you’re trying to do then you’re going to have to decide that you’ll compromise for a while. Tell you what, to take your mind off of it why don’t you tell me about this clumsy elk you keep mentioning.”

He was good, I’ll give him that. He had me talking more and easier than all those super trained Ph.D.’s and MD’s at SEPH had ever managed. He never tried to force me to follow his lead. What’s more sometimes he just got out of the way and let me try … and make a fool of myself. Like the time I was bound and determined to wash my own clothes. I nearly fell in the tub several times and by the time I was done I was so exhausted I slept the rest of the day away and had taken two steps backwards where my cough was concerned. At least he didn’t say I told you so.

But eventually I did get all the way better, or nearly so; I wouldn't be completely free of being careful with my health until the spring, or so Carmine predicted. I had lost a lot of weight and had trouble putting it back on.

"It's the cold," Carmine explained as my lack of patience with the issue increased. "The problem is two-fold. You have no fat reserves so you have to work harder at staying warm. And because you have to work harder at staying warm you use more calories which keeps you from being able to put on any weight. Catch-22. Just be glad you've stopped losing weight. You barely weigh more than Pixie dust as it is.”

Irritated I asked, "Did you have to add that last part?"

He gave me a look and said, "You didn't strike me as the vain type."

I gave an unladylike snort. "I'm not. One look in the mirror would cure me of that. But you don't have to rub it in."

He grumbled, "It's been too long since I've done this; I'm all thumbs."

"Done what?" I asked.

He sighed. "My point exactly. C'mere so we can talk. I need to concentrate and there’s enough holes in this rode to trip up a mountain goat."

"I thought that was what we were doing,” I said, referring to the fact we were conversing.

He shook his head. "No, we're just nattering at each other like a couple of magpies. We need to really talk. And don't look at me like that. Talking isn't a crime and it isn't going to hurt. And ... frankly I'd like to clear the air so I know where I stand."

We were out walking the town. I had already gone through all the buildings but Carmine wanted to look. That day he found an old monster of a bedstead that he said he would move to the cabin. The futon was well enough but apparently Carmine had some idea of eventually saving enough feathers to make a real mattress top to go over the top of a straw tick. When he said he wanted to talk we sat down on the steps of a front porch right off the road that cut the town down the middle long ways.

I had a feeling I knew what he wanted to talk about and decided to save some trouble and just be open about it. "Carmine, it's OK if you want to but you don't have to you know. It isn't like I'm going to ask you to leave if you don't."

He got the strangest look on his face. "Gurl, you have the dang strangest way of turning what I mean to say upside down."

Concerned that I had made a mistake about what he had meant to talk about I asked, "You mean you weren't talking about being intimate?"

"As a matter of fact I was," he said with a chuff of laughter. "But I don't think you are."

"Yes I am."

"No Saloli, you are talking about sex. I'm talking about being intimate which is more than sex." I was starting to get uncomfortable. "You don't seem too happy about that."

It didn’t take me long to get more worried than uncomfortable. I blurted, "I don't know exactly what that means. I'm not sure I know how. And what if you try it with me and you decide, just like Asa that you don't like it. What happens to this that we have now? Does it get messed up just like my friendship with Asa did? I don't want that to happen. If it is going to mess up this then the other isn't worth it."

He grinned but not in an unkind way. "So I mean more to you than someone that can reach things for you ... Like buckets that have fallen just out of reach."

I'd never had an inside joke with anyone so it was nice when I could joke back to Carmine, "That's not a bucket. It's a pot on a chain."

He smiled and when he did I admitted, "Yeah. You mean more to me than that." Looking down I added, "I thought I had more with Asa and I was wrong. He did NOT break my heart, but ... he made me feel foolish and stupid. I don't want to be wrong again."

"I'm not partial to the idea myself. Now here's the thing, I'm done with the stage of my life where looking around is more important than settling down. I like what I see in you. I don't have to be forever worried that you're going to break if life gets a little rough with us. Had me a fragile woman like that when I was younger and it didn't end well. When she died I blamed myself even though looking back nothing I did could have saved her when she kept running back and forth between me and her parents, unwilling to grow up and unable to accept that I wasn’t gonna be just another daddy to her. I'll admit finding out you're immune don't hurt my feelings any either."

Not quite ready to buy into his explanation I told him, "Asa thought he was ready to settle on forever too."

He made a face. "If I didn't know for a fact that you have reason to be leery I'd be getting a little tired of being compared to another man."

I told him, "I'm not comparing you to Asa; I know you two are very different. I just don't have anything else to compare this to but that situation."

"Don't have anything else to compare it to? You're joshing me. You've had boys on you since ... Well ...". He stopped what he was saying when he saw my face.

Beginning to wonder just what kind of rat he thought I was I told him, "Just because I lived on the street doesn't mean I'm the kind that sold myself to survive."

By way of apologizing he said, "Told you I was out of practice at this." Quietly he asked me, "If you only have Asa to ... er ... compare this to and you say that he never ... er ... took ... uh ... Well, does that mean what I think it means?"

"Pretty much," I admitted. "Is that bad because you look a little green at the idea."

"Ain't a game changer but it do add some pressure for me to get it right."

"Why? Don't I need to get it right for you to? I thought that was how it worked."

He chuffed. Then he chuckled. Then he outright laughed. Finally he stopped and said, "Gurl, I am up to my armpits with the unknown on this. Just tell me whether you are agreeable to for the next eleventy dozen years, give a century or two, being together and that it'll be exclusive."

I had said yes to Asa with that in mind and look where it had got me. Looking at Carmine though I realized if I said yes to him it would be different. Beyond the obvious it would mean giving up the idea of making babies. Asa might be the kind willing to let me look for another stud but I pretty much could tell Carmine wasn't likely to feel the same way. Could I live with that? Thinking it over quickly I decided that yeah, I could. Being a Fertile had never made me feel special, but like a commodity on the auction block. I knew where I stood with Asa and I knew that's not what he wanted me for. Why did he want me?

"Carmine, you aren’t just doing this because you are lonely or anything like that are you?"

"Don't take this wrong Gurl but that's never been a problem for me."

“Great,” I grumped.

Trying to chuck me under my chin which only irritated me even more he said, “Aw Saloli, don’t be that way.”

“And why do you keep calling me that? What language is that?”

“Cherokee. It’s what my grandfather used to call my sister.”

Then I asked a dumb question I regretted as soon as it left my mouth. "You had a grandfather?"

He laughed and answered, "Nope. The woman I called Ma found me under a cabbage leaf full grown, felt sorry for me and brought me home. I grew up calling the scarecrow that ‘cause I didn’t know any better." I rolled my eyes and he stopped teasing. "He was my great grandfather actually. My grandparents were never in the picture. My great grandparents raised my father, and when he died after my sister was born, they took us in so my mother could find work in Knoxville. We'd see her a couple times a month but it was really Grandfather that raised my sister and me. Grandmother was already frail when we went to live there and didn't have much patience for two rowdy, half-wild kids. I grew up along the Blue Ridge Parkway picking apples to help pay the bills. I got drafted straight out of high school, didn't even get to finish my senior year cause I turned eighteen so early."

It was like meeting him for the first time. "What happened to your fam ... uh ... maybe it is none of my business."

"I'm trying to make it your business if you'd cooperate." He was smiling so I knew I hadn't offended him. "Grandmother died before I even got out of basic training. My sister got drafted into the medical Corp the year after I went in and grandfather just gave up after that since he sensed that no one needed him anymore. Ma sent me an email but I couldn't get leave to attend the funeral and my sister held it against me. We kind of lost touch between that and the war and other things. Ma remarried and lives in what's left of Gatlinburg and my sister is a Major in the Army and serves in the mobile medical units."

It was strange to think he still had family alive. "Do they know you're alive?"

"Sorta. I ran into my sister about five years ago when I went on a trade run with Rob. I don't know who was more surprised, her or me. It was too dangerous for her to acknowledge me outright as they would have changed my designation from KIA to AWOL, but she did give us more than favorable terms on what we were looking for. Never got the chance to talk privately but she knew I was her brother. Ma I don't think she told. Found out she was living on the bennies from my death. I wouldn't want to take that away from her so if you’re looking to cash in on me it ain’t gonna happen."

I kicked at his ankle with no real intent of connecting. A colder blast of wind that smelled like there was more snow on the way had us up and moving towards the cabin when he asked, "What about you?"

I had been dreading the question and tried to shrug it off by saying, "I don't remember. I mean I have those pictures you saw on my tablet but it's like looking at someone else's childhood. Intellectually I know it is me but I don't really connect with the girl in the photos. I know my parents are dead and that my older brother and sister died before they did but if there was anyone else that could or would have taken me in after they died I don't know."

"You can't remember anything?"

"Just scraps and most of it is hard to put in any particular order. Half the time I'm not sure I am remembering or just imagining that I am."

He put his arm around me when a sudden gust caught me unprepared and nearly knocked me over. "Tell you what, when you feel like showing me them pictures you can tell me what you do remember. I'd be interested in hearing about the people that gave birth to you and gave you the foundation to be so strong."

I was about to tell him it wasn't strength so much as stubbornness when we heard a rumble coming from the other end of town.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 23

The rumbling reminded me of something but I couldn’t remember what. “Carmine?”

By the time I had turned my head to ask him if it was an avalanche the man that had just been talking to me about the difference between intimacy and sex had transformed into the man that had spent years as a sec boss in the Wastelands. Technically they were one and the same but I’d only briefly dealt with this facet of his personality. “Off the street,” he rumbled without regard to my personal wishes. His voice reminded me uncomfortably of the strictest of the SEPH enforcers, the ones that not even I played fast and loose with.

He wasn’t exactly pushing me to go the direction he wanted but he was very in my space. I managed to check my automatic response and realized he was actually doing his best to hide me behind his much larger target area. I turned to tell him to knock it off when I saw them.

Something on my face obviously caught his attention and he stopped and looked back. A weird sort of noise somewhere between a sigh of awe and a groan of consternation came out of his open mouth. Then he grabbed me by the scruff of my jacket and started pulling me to the nearest large tree. “Up!”

Buffalo. Not thousands of them, not even a hundred of them, but if you’ve ever had buffalo running at you it doesn’t really take all that many to get you to move as fast as you can. One would have been sufficient; the few dozen coming our way was way on the other side of that.

We were up the tree in good time and I expected them to just keep on running passed but apparently the open square that was the center of the small town seemed like a good place for them to decide to slow down and wander around in circles for a bit until they determined which way they would go next.

“What made them run like that? I’ve only seen a handful in town at a time; never this many and never running full tilt like they were,” I asked Carmine. Then a cold wind blew and caught me off guard. I inhaled a good heavy dose of it and started coughing hard; hard enough that I had to hold onto the tree to stay in it. Hard enough that holding onto the tree meant that I couldn’t stop coughing.

I couldn’t catch my breath and Carmine saw I was in a bad way. He made his way over and pounded me on the back until the gunk that I had started to cough up came far enough that I could spit it out. “Nasty.”

Carmine shook his head and said, “No. Out is better than in. Nasty is what that buffalo is thinking with that crap on his head you just spit out.”

He said it with such a straight face I couldn’t help it. I honestly didn’t mean it and was horrified when it escaped. I could have just died of embarrassment right there.

Carmine gave me the strangest look and then asked, “Did I hear … a … a … giggle?”

I was so upset I drew back my arm to punch him but then there was an even more awful sound. CRACK!!

The limb we were sitting on suddenly dropped about four inches. Carmine yelled, “Move!”

I was already in motion, moving farther up the tree to the lighter branches so he could have the thicker one next to the one that was breaking all to himself. He never made it.

Four turned to fourteen and then he rode the branch to the ground; and all the other branches the huge limb took with it. Only it hit the buffalo I had spat on before the ground, making the animal jump backwards, snort, and do this twisty little spin like the rodeo broncos used to make in the old vids of the west. Carmine was dazed; apparently the limb had grazed him though I didn’t know it at the time. All I could see was that he wasn’t moving much.

To my utter horror I saw that mangy looking buffalo trying to decide what to be more irritated at … the tree limb or the groaning man on the ground. I was pulling out my sling shot and shouting for Carmine when he suddenly sat up drawing the ire of the buffalo; they don’t care for sudden movements. I’ll give Carmine high marks for coming around fast. He was up and running for another tree faster than most men would have been.

I remember when reading up on the American Bison when I still had the faint idea of trying to kill one for my winter food, that they can easily run thirty to forty miles per hour and jump six feet. Basically if one hits you it will be like being run over by a large truck shaped like a battering ram … with the same basic results.

There wasn’t any time. I loaded, cocked, and released and that Some One that watches over me and gives me a hand on occasion guided the ball baring straight and true. I didn’t stop the buffalo – I knew I wouldn’t – but a steel marble sinking into your eye will have an effect. The huge animal stopped fast enough that his hindquarters came off the ground for a moment and then started shaking his head. He was still rampaging around but not directly at Carmine which gave him time to get on the porch of a house and inside.

Carmine came right back out real fast, followed by some crashes and sounds of destruction coming from inside. He skinnied up the posts and made it to the roof of the porch just as a cow came bucking and snorting out of the house wearing what looked like a piece of plaster wall. The female buffalo took out enough of the supports that the porch started leaning and Carmine just made it to the roof proper before it gave way entirely and came crashing down.

Between the pain and noise the bull that I’d hit was now plenty fired up as was the rest of the small herd. They were agitated and getting set to run again when some loud cracks resounded from down the street. I knew that sound and it was not a tree limb. Neither was it any of the animals crashing into other stuff. Those cracks were the sound of rifles.

There were three cracks and three buffalo fell to their knees; the bull that I had already half-blinded, the cow that had startled Carmine, and another cow that was not too far away from those two. This was the excuse the buffalo had been waiting for and they took off again as a herd, thundering away but leaving three of their number behind.

There was an odd call and then a still odder reaction from Carmine. He startled then smiled before giving a piercing whistle and coming down from the roof. A dozen men and boys rode down the street on Mustang horses. They were in a mixture of styles but overall it was for warmth and comfort. Some looked like they obviously descended from Native Americans but not all of them did. The man in the front called, “Brother!”

I’m thinking that either Carmine hasn’t been telling me the truth or there was a story there. I decided to change position and jumped to another tree where the higher branches laced together. When I fixed my new position I noticed that one of the boys was looking in my direction and grinning; but, on closer inspection realized the “boy” was actually a girl. She kept looking and grinning when she said, “E-du-ts, I don’t think your friend likes you on the ground. She is holding something in her hands that made the ya-n-s fall.”

Carmine told the young girl, “She’s like you Bina – a little half-wild thing - but she’s been hurt and doesn’t trust easily so leave her be. She’ll come down when she is ready.” Carmine’s voice had a different quality to it; it was the same, but it wasn’t. He turned to the man and said, “Not that I don’t appreciate it Jerry, but do I want to know what you and yours are doing around here? Last I heard you were setting up a settlement much further west.”

“I was just wondering the same thing about you Wa-ya. I had heard you were dead. I did not believe it. And so, here you are and I am right … as usual.”

“Smart aleck. And drop the Wise Indian act; you’ll give my friend the wrong impression.”

The man laughed and then in a much more normal cadence he said, “Seriously Carmine, it was hard news to hear you were dead. Father refused to believe it.”

“That’s because your father is a smart man. I’d tell you but it’s a long story and I don’t want to interfere if you’re on a hunt.”

“Not a problem. As you can see the hunt is over, now comes the rest of it. You got any objections if we bring the rest of the family in so we can get these animals taken care of respectfully?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Your … little tree friend have a problem with it?” I could tell the question was just a formality.

Carmine walked over to the tree I was up in and I looked down at him through the branches. He didn’t tell me to come down, didn’t even offer his hand, but by the look in his eyes I could tell he wanted me to come down. I thought about it and then swung down. I landed and the shaking broke more junk loose. I tried not to cough but it was a battle already lost.

Several of the people backed away but Carmine said something and that’s when I saw the man named Jerry raise the radio to his lips. I wanted to run as soon as I saw it but Carmine must have felt me tensing up because he whispered, “Relax. Let them do their thing and they’ll be gone. Besides, I’m hoping Jerry is calling his mother and that she has something for that cough of yours.”

That did not make me feel any less like running … but it was too late. Up the road came several large transport trucks and RVs. The girl named Bina walked over and I could see she was about Rosie’s age but without Rosie’s issues. She took one good look at me and sighed, “Aw, I thought you were my age.”

Rather than answer I shrugged.

“Can’t you talk?”

A stately, silver-haired woman stepped down from one of the RVs and said, “Bina! I said you could ride with your father until they brought the animals down. Now it is time for you to help your sister.” Bina didn’t quite go so far as to roll her eyes at the older woman’s words but she was thinking it; nevertheless she obeyed.

I could tell, despite the conversation Carmine was having with the man he called Jerry, he had his eye on me. I didn’t like being in the midst of the crowd that was forming. It was making me twitchy like I needed to find a hole to watch from safely. Everyone was polite enough but at the same time I was getting more looks of interest than I cared for.

I was seriously debating my next move when Carmine called me over like I was something to be brought to heel. I didn’t care for his tone and let him know it as I sighed and asked, “You bellowed your Majesty?”

I caught everyone off guard and even Carmine’s mouth hung open for a few seconds before saying, “Why yes I did. How kind a you to notice … m’lady.”

A boy chose that moment to run up and hold a bloody hand out to me. “You want it back?”

I did and by the time Jerry and the other men and boys took a look at what I had done I was accepted. The male species is so strange. There wasn’t time to go into just how strange because apparently because I put the first “bullet” into the large bull Carmine and I would be getting a good portion of the animal so long as we helped process it.

A large, amazingly smokeless bonfire was built to provide light and ward off the bone numbing cold and we all set to work trying to beat the storm that one of the elderly men of the group swore was on its way.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 24

A truck with an odd wench set up in the back pulled up. I stepped to follow Carmine but he arched his eyebrow and said, “Uh uh, not this time Gurl. I want you to go with Sally. Believe it or not she’s a real doctor. That cough is still not good, and you need to get rid of it before really cold weather kicks in. You aren’t sleeping right as well as you should and still can’t put on any weight.”

Doctor. A real doctor. A real female doctor. I wondered if she’d have the equipment to be able to tell what I was. I would have outright refused if Carmine hadn’t added, “She’s family. Her mother was my grandfather’s sister.”

“I’m fine Carmine. I’m a lot better than I was and I’ll be …”

Carmine sighed. “Don’t make me make you Saloli. I don’t like being doctored on either but this time it’s necessary. If you get sick again before you get better … I don’t want to lose you again. Third time is the charm but will it be a blessing or a curse? That’s up to you.”

Something about the word blessing triggered a memory inside me and I once again saw my parents saying my sister’s and brother’s deaths had been blessings but with hindsight came understanding that they had been trying to convince themselves as much as they wanted to believe it. It struck me then that Carmine really cared for me and he was really concerned that I wasn’t going to get well … that he might be saying “it was a blessing” at some point trying to convince himself so it wouldn’t hurt so much.

I knew Carmine was overconfident if he thought he could force me to see this Sally. I had fought the best and most of the time, even with a pile on, they had been forced to sedate me to get me into the clinic for the regular and invasive check ups that we all hated. In the end they simply would catch me as I walked between classes, put it in my food, or gassed me in the elevator. I learned to be constantly alert, constantly ready to avoid and escape. I might not have been as hardened as I once was – gotten out of the habit which was probably a mistake – but it hadn’t been all that long ago and my sense of people was still strong. I looked at Carmine and I could read his thoughts as well as if they had been my own. He knew he was pushing the envelope and it bothered him, caused him some fear that he was pushing too hard, but still he did it because I meant more to him than his being able to hold me to him did.

I looked at Sally who was standing about six feet away. She was trying to keep her face blank, but I sensed real surprise and caution underneath it. It had something to do with Carmine but with me as well. What I didn’t sense from her was any intent to hurt or trap me.

It was in that moment that Bina ran up. “Hey, I’ll come hold your hand if you want. I don’t like doctors either, but Grandmother is different; and she is good.” She pulled her braid aside and pointed behind her ear and added, “Look how she fixed me up. Father took it out as soon as he rescued me but it got infected. I nearly lost my ear and would have looked plenty strange but Grandmother was able to save it and my hearing too.”

The world narrowed and I looked at Bina and she at me and there was an instant connection though she was too young to really understand what it was. The scar was not as fresh as mine but it wasn’t any older than eighteen months. I looked a question at her and she responded without thinking.

Artlessly the girl said, “Mother got tired of what she called being a nomad and took my sibs and I to work in the Outlands.” She shrugged. “She wasn’t any happier there and the day before E-do-da found us to take us back SEPH swept the area. They took me. He didn’t give up and he and my uncles ripped SEPH a new one and took me back.”

Sally said, “Bina!”

“Well they did Grandmother. You didn’t get to see it but, really, there wasn’t much left to see after they got through with them.”

I could see Sally was winding up for a good lecture, but I beat her to it and gave Bina something to think about. “You shouldn’t say things like that, especially to people you don’t know. Even the wind could carry it someplace it shouldn’t. SEPH has a long memory and an even longer reach. Don’t boast even if it is about something worth boasting over … someone could use it against you … or your family.” Sally and Carmine both went still as did Jerry and several other people standing around. “SEPH is the enemy Bina. Don’t do anything to give them any advantage. Not a crack or ledge to use to climb and find you and yours. It’s better to be completely silent than give one little squeak for them to follow the sound of. Never assume you are safe enough or far enough away that the danger has passed … not until the whole organization is nothing but grave dust. Don’t even let death take your secret from you.”

A boy of about fifteen walked up and put himself between me and Bina and said fiercely, “Don’t scare my sister like that.”

Ignoring his attempt to be intimidating – he was already bigger than me – and pushing Carmine back when he would have stepped up beside me I told the boy, “She needs to be reminded. If fear is the only thing that will do it then so be it. The last thing you and your family needs – the last thing I need – is for SEPH to get overly interested in the people of the Wastelands. Right now most people are convinced this place isn’t anything but an atomic waste with diseased and genetically damaged scavengers wandering around waiting to die. If they start thinking that we might be resources for them to harvest, the last half way free place will disappear as fast as a nuclear flash.”

Jerry and an older man walked over and Jerry put his hand on Bina’s shoulder but he looked at me. “How long did they have you?”

I swallowed, “Two years and a piece. Had Bina been taken East you would never have found her no matter how hard you searched.” Shadows grew around my eyes as the memories began to crowd me as much as the people around were starting to. “There aren’t just fences and walls and people there; there are gun towers, laser sights, mine fields, and the best enforcers waiting for an excuse to execute the strategies they plan and practice on a daily basis. There’s gas and drugs to keep you in line until you learn to hide just how much you hate them. There’s punishments for the smallest infractions; painful, degrading and all in the name of the continuation of the human species as they view it should be continued. They weigh and measure you not on actions and thoughts but on DNA and psychological evaluation scores. Once in their control you are no longer a person until they say you are; you’re just a commodity – a resource – to be exploited and used as they determine to be the most advantageous. Socioeconomics are no longer a determining factor of where you go in this life; it’s all in your genetic code and their arbitrary interpretation of it.”

The boy, still unwilling to budge from his position both figuratively and literally said with a sneer, “They must not be such a big deal. You escaped.”

I showed him my dead lights and he gasped involuntarily and I saw Jerry reach out and pull him backwards. I told him, “Not even I escaped while SEPH still had my leash. It wasn’t until I was in the Outlands did the control get lax enough that I slipped the noose. Don’t underestimate your enemy. Ever. Because as soon as you do, you’re dead … if you’re lucky. If you have any value to them as a commodity, you’ll wish yourself dead so many times over that you’ll lose who you used to be just to make the pain bearable.”

My skin felt like it was going to come off and run away without me if I didn’t move. I fought and held still for as long as I could then looked at Carmine, trying to tell him with my eyes, that I was sorry and then I turned. I was able to walk for a few yards but then I was jogging. Once I had started jogging it was easy to lope and once I had started that I ran until the cold air burned my lungs.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 25

No one ever escapes their past; they can only learn to live with it. For some people that’s a lot easier said than done. I was one of those people. The cold air seared my lungs and then started to make them snap, crackle, and pop. I stopped being able to draw in the life-giving oxygen I needed to keep going and I fell to my knees as I had another involuntary coughing fit trying to clear my breathing passages.

On my knees I recognized the steps in front of me and crawled up them and into the cabin. I didn’t stop crawling until I was down in the basement and wrapped around my backpack like it was a talisman that would ward off the evil that threatened to carry me off.

I don’t know how long I lay their shivering; it couldn’t have been too long. I was just starting to warm when boots clattered down the basement stairs. Carmine cursed softly but rather than berate me for embarrassing him in front of his family I felt him scoop me up from the floor and put me on the bed and then cover me. He didn’t even try to take my backpack but lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around me.

Eventually my shaking stopped. I wanted to apologize but couldn’t pry my teeth apart to let any sound out. I was afraid that if I did the only thing that would come out was a scream.

Carmine sat up and I heard a woman’s voice ask, “Is she like this all the time?”

He answered, “I’ve never seen her quite like this. A few times when she was sick and delirious she came close but she didn’t go catatonic and unresponsive. Usually I could tease a few words out of her.”

The woman sighed. “It was probably connecting with Bina. Couldn’t you see it? It was instantaneous recognition and understanding of a similar experience. I’ve treated a few SEPH escapees and they’ve all been damaged in some way; some can’t stand to be around anyone they can’t identify with like that. But none of them had been held for two years and only one of them was from back East. That one they’d only had for four months before throwing her back after finding some genetic predisposition towards cervical cancer; she was mentally a mess and the stories she told … Carmine are you sure about this one?”

I shivered waiting for him to say that it was obvious I was too damaged and that he’d be leaving as soon as he made sure I wasn’t going to cough myself to death. Instead he said quietly, “I’ve lost Gurl twice before this. I’m not going to lose her a third time. So what if she has a few issues? It ain’t like I’m exactly free of them myself.”

A pause and then Sally said, “True.” Another pause and then she said, “Stay with me while I see what I can do to help. She’s already traumatized enough and having you nearby will at least make her more comfortable.”

“Uh … I don’t know if she’ll … uh … appreciate that.”

There was an extended pause before Sally asked, “You two aren’t sleeping together?”

Stiffly Carmine answered, “In the bed … yes. For shared body heat … yes. Nothing else. Honestly Sally, you’d think you’d know me better after all these years. Do you think I would really expect sex out of someone that’s been as sick – is still as sick – as Gurl is?”

I missed whatever she responded as I was starting to shiver again. Sally had pulled the covers off of me. I did however hear her tell Carmine to stop calling me “girl”, that I must have a name.

“She does. G-U-R-L Noname.” He pronounced the last name the way most people did, with three syllables. “And if you think I’m kidding ask her yourself. The only thing she will respond to is Gurl; it’s even what is on her gizmo … that tablet she is attached to.”

I could hear her eyebrows go up even if I couldn’t see them. “Tablet? She is a techie?”

I felt Carmine take my cold hand in his and the shivering faded away. “No, not like Uncle Jack is. She’s … hmmm … she is a … well, I don’t know what to call it without sounding foolish. She likes to read … obsessed with it almost. Doesn’t a day go by that she isn’t reading something, mostly useful stuff but I’ve caught her reading old fiction authors from before … Pierce, Nix, Tolkien, Poe, Wilder and lots of others. She hates for me to say something about it though. She treats it like it is a secret but doesn’t hide it unless I act like I’m noticing. We’ll be cleaning and stretching hides and she’ll have that thing set up and reading it out of the corner of her eye while she works. It looks like she is ignoring everything around her completely except she can carry on a serious conversation with me at the same time. She’s taught herself to divide her attention up enough that she can do three, four things at the same time and none of them suffer. She calls herself a street rat – and obviously lived like one before she was captured by SEPH – but she’s the dang most educated street rat I’ve ever met; more educated than most people regardless of where they come from. But whatever you do, don’t say something to her about it or she’ll clam up tight.”

He knew I was listening. He wanted me to react, say something even if it was shut up, that he was sharing things he didn’t have any right to share. I still didn’t want to talk but I squeezed his hand and he turned and helped me to sit up. He looked at me and asked, “You want me to stay … or go?”

I kept telling myself that I controlled my body that it did not control me. Eventually my voice returned and I croaked, “Go. Help with … with the buffalo. I won’t run again.”

I’d surprised him. “You sure?”

“Yeah. Meat’s important. We’ll … we’ll need it.”

A slow smile spread across his face. “Yeah, yeah we will.” I heard the slight emphasis on “we” and knew he understood that I was trying to tell him that when I ran, it wasn’t away from him. Then he turned to Sally and got serious. “Don’t upset her. If she gets twitchy just leave her be.”

She snorted in a way that was at odds with her regal bearing. “Don’t try to teach your grandmother how to suck eggs. She said go so I would suggest you do so.”

Carmine left and as we both heard his boot steps fade and then the door shut behind him Sally turned to me. Her first question caught me off guard. “Is SEPH likely to try and come after my granddaughter?”

I sighed, fatigued despite needing all my wits to deal with the woman in front of me. “Depends what they originally wanted her for and if they think she is alive or dead.”

“Jerry says he cut the chip out of her before they even left the building so they couldn’t track her. The building was already on fire by then so I can only surmise that the chip was destroyed. Either way no one tried to follow them. The town the facility was in had started to riot at the first sign of trouble at the compound. The SEPH personnel weren’t well liked.”

I shrugged. “Then maybe they think she is dead and the reason why they wanted her doesn’t matter. Just teach her to keep her mouth shut; open books are easily read and not always by the right people.”

She nodded then got down to business. “Is your name really Gurl?”

“It’s the only one I’ve had for almost a decade. Whatever I was called before that I don’t remember so don’t bother asking.”

“Memory loss?”

I shrugged unsure myself whether it was something physical or mental that caused the blank spot where my childhood used to be.

She asked a few more details that I was no more forthcoming on and then she shook her head and chuckled. “You’re enough like Carmine that he’s going to be paid back for being the pain in the backside he is. You’re younger than I would like for him; don’t want people to talk about him cradle robbing … or worse. Does he know your age?”

I shrugged. “I don’t really know how old I am so how is anyone else supposed to?”

“Hmmm. That excuse might be enough for some but not for everyone. Knowing Carmine, he will just use it to do what he’s wanted to for a long time anyway. He’s not much of a people person. You two will likely wander the Wastelands until he is ready to set up housekeeping some place as far from people as he can get away with.”

Another shrug was her answer.

Her lips twitched. “Don’t teach that habit to Bina. My son would not appreciate it.” She made it sound like she almost hoped I would which told me Jerry had given her some trouble when he was younger, and a little payback wouldn’t be unappreciated. It was almost funny but facing a doctor – a female doctor – kept what humor I found in it at bay.

“Now that you’ve seen I’m not an ogre will you let me listen to your lungs? I can hear the occasional wheeze out of you and I’ve heard you cough. I want to see how far down the congestion is and whether it involves one or both lungs.”

Had I not broken all of my fingernails since leaving SEPH I would have probably put holes in my palms before she was through. I never managed to relax but I let her examine me. She was calm and professional although she did pause at a couple of my scars including the ones left from where the big cat attacked me. After she asked me what they were from and I explained at the same time explaining how I got sick in the first place she shook her head. “For Carmine’s sake I hope you don’t make a habit out of taking such risks.”

“Only when there is no other choice. Unlike the cat, I don’t have nine lives to waste.”

When she got to my biopsy scars she hesitated then turned away to take a blanket from the rocker and wrap it around me. “We need to talk.” I had worried this would happen. “Are you being harvested?”

That wasn’t the question I had expected. I shook my head no. “Good, but you do know what the harvesters are?” I nodded. “I won’t say anything to anyone but you should seriously consider talking to Carmine if you haven’t already. He had a young friend that was harassed by the harvesters for a long time.”

I finally spoke. “Asa Butcher. I know him and the story.”

This time she nodded. There wasn’t a whole lot that could be said about the situation and what there was wasn’t nice. “As for the rest of it, if I had to guess you are somewhere between sixteen and twenty; without more investigation I can’t be more definitive because you’ve had a lot of dental work done. That dental work also tells me you’ve suffered significant malnutrition but it is doubtful that it was in the earliest years of your life or you’d have learning challenges. The fact that you are self-educated tells me you had a good support system at least through early childhood. Malnutrition started prior to puberty however which is why you have some issues with short stature. You’re four ten, maybe four eleven with a slight build. Do you know if this is a hereditary condition?”

Unwillingly I admitted, “I have a few pictures. My father was a tall man, the top of my mother’s head came to his shoulders. In the few pictures I have of my brother and sister they don’t look particularly short for their ages.”

“You have family?” she asked surprised.

I shook my head. “No. Gone before the end of the Outbreak.”

She nodded, “Which explains the change in nutrition and why you call yourself a street rat; you’re an Outbreak Orphan.” I shrugged at the obvious. “Any allergies?”

I shook my head no. “Good. I’m going to give you some comfrey root, peppermint, wild cherry bark, and a few other goodies and instructions on how to utilize them. They’ll help with the chest congestion and coughing until your body reaches a point that it can finish healing itself. However, you’re going to have to help yourself by using some sense. Don’t stress your lungs any more than necessary … avoid doing things that could cause a cold or recurrence of your previous illness. You need to put on some weight and since it isn’t an appetite problem all I can suggest at this time is that you add fat, lard, or tallow in some form to all of your meals. I’ll tell Carmine to make some pemmican and if you are going walking or doing any kind of exerting yourself I want you to consume a piece of pemmican at the same time.”

I nodded and then she sat beside me and got rid of the professionalism. “Gurl … I’m not quite sure how to approach this. Carmine is like my own son but I’m not blind to the fact that he has his own way of doing and seeing things. It’s obvious he wants you in his life. Are you … prepared … for what that means?”

I looked at her and asked, “You mean sex?”

She grinned softly. “Yes and no. I had all but given up on Carmine settling down again. You know … uh … that …”

“That he was married when he was younger? He mentioned it.”

She nodded, relieved. “That girl did some damage that runs deep. He’s had a few women in his life since but none that I’ve seen him react to the way he does to you.”

Shrugging I said, “He says it’s a relief to be with someone that he doesn’t have to worry about breaking.”

She sighed in exasperation. “Yes, that sounds like something that boy would say. And it may even be true but there must be something more to it or he could have gone out and plucked up any number of the females that have been after his sorry hide over the years to satisfy his desire for female … er … companionship.” She shook her head. “Be that as it may he’s picked you. You’re now part of him … and part of us. Family. I’ll make sure that Carmine tells you how you can reach us if you need to and if something should happen to him, you call … or better yet come. You’ve got a place with us now. Do you understand?”

I did but I couldn’t imagine myself ever taking advantage of it without Carmine being there; however I didn’t say that and my nod sufficed for her. “I’m going to go see that my grandchildren aren’t distracting their grandfather and father from working. If U-gu-gu is right, we need to finish the buffalo with all speed or we’ll be forced to work in a storm and having done it once I hope to never do it again. If you come help – and I think you should for a time just to show Carmine you are all right – come well wrapped, with two pairs of socks and a scarf if you have it; a hat at the very least. You may have impressed the men with that sling shot but the women will want to see what you are made of in a different way.”

As she walked up the stairs and out of the cabin I realized she was the epitome of what I had always imagined a real grandmother to be … wise and slightly more concerned with the condition of your clothing than was strictly comfortable.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 26

I didn’t have a lot of spare clothes, but I layered what I could and then pulled on the old coverall over the top of that. I didn’t have a hat, but a piece of an old tablecloth served as a scarf when I was cooking so I added it to cover my ears and to keep any blood and other bits out of my hair. If it was getting cold the last thing I wanted to do is wash the curly mess.

Unfortunately, socks weren’t going to happen. The one pair I had were threadbare and barely adequate. I wrapped my feet with some spare strips of cloth I used for just that purpose and then figuratively girded my loins to face the consequences.

Outside the weather was indeed getting colder; almost enough to cause me to go back inside and hide out. I thought for a moment whether I was doing this for Carmine or for myself and realized it was half and half. I felt bad about embarrassing Carmine, but I felt just as bad about losing self-control and letting my feelings show. Under any other circumstances my actions would have handed these people knowledge and power over me. They would have seen a chink and could have used it to manipulate me. I vowed it would not happen again.

I walked back towards the town square but hung back a bit to locate Carmine. I was not as invisible as I had tried to be. I saw a man tap another on the shoulder and point in my direction. That man looked up and it was Carmine. He looked at me and waited. He must have sensed that I was wondering if he actually wanted me around because his posture relaxed and he used his head to nod me over.

Taking a breath, I started across the square trying to ignore everyone else and just focus on Carmine. When I got there he said, “Gurl, this is the man I call Uncle Jack. He’s Sally’s husband. He wants to hear about your clumsy elk and what you did with it.”

After I was finished the story Jack asked, “And you’d never hunted anything bigger than a rabbit at that point?”

I shook my head and said, “No. Well, actually I had tried but it didn’t work. I was in a bad way and wasn’t able to get close enough to the big animals to take them down quickly and safely.”

“And you had never field dressed or butchered an animal before?”

I was feeling on safer ground and said, “Not such a big one. I learned to butcher rats from watching other street people when I was little. I raised Norwegian rats as cattle but the ones I raised only got to about two pounds. Sometimes I would hunt African rats – those could weigh ten to fifteen pounds – but you had to be careful because the African ones could carry the pox. I knew some people that raised African rats for the market, but they wanted way more in barter than I was willing to part with.”

One of the younger men made a disgusted face and asked, “Cattle? You mean … you eat rat?”

I looked at him and grinned evilly just for effect. “Yep … and park monkey, pond frog, pigeon, dove, snake, turtle, and anything else smaller than me that doesn’t move fast enough.”

The boy that had gotten in my face earlier laughed said, “Hear that Bina? I’d watch out.”

Immediately it wasn’t funny anymore and I said, “Not that. I never did that.” I turned only to find Carmine handing me a knife and asking me to sharpen it.

“I need a good edge on that.” I took the homemade butcher knife from him and pulled my whetstone from my pocket where I tended to keep it. As I did as he requested he said, “You never told me you had to deal with cannibalism in the city.”

I shrugged, “Isn’t a nice subject. It was everywhere at one point until enough people starved off during the winters that the local wildlife could feed what was left. Not even the street riff-raff admit doing it, but it still happens … or did when I was bagged and tagged. People are just animals; expecting them to be anything else is just looking to be disappointed.”

The cynicism was heavy in my tone though I didn’t know it until Carmine told me about it later. I gave him back the blade and started to leave again but he handed me another knife. I looked at him and told him without words I knew what he was doing. He admitted it with his eyes but that didn’t stop him from handing me a new knife each time I finished with the one before it. As I sharpened the blades I observed what was going on around me while answering the occasional curious question thrown my way.

The heads had been severed from each of the bodies of the buffalo and hung from a large tree, well away from the fire. Several bloody saws gave testament to how the heads had been removed and remembering my experience with the elk I was glad I hadn’t been around for that part. All of the hocks had also been removed from the three carcasses. I looked for them but didn’t see them so I assumed they had been put away for another purpose, similar to the hanging heads.

Each carcass had its own group dedicated to finishing the task of butchering it. Carmine had been working with the group processing the bull. The belly and chest of the beast had been split open and the hindquarters skinned. A gambrel was being inserted and I saw that the wench was being used to hoist the carcass so that the work could be finished.

As the processing continued … skinning to splitting … I was handed more and more knives. Finally, I looked at Carmine and said, “I can do something besides sit here and do this. It isn’t fair that everyone else has to do the heavier work.”

Carmine, brutally honest as always said, “No one wants you coughing germs all over the place Saloli. Besides, you put a fine edge to a blade without wasting metal and the skill is appreciated.”

I wouldn’t have believed him except “Uncle Jack” said, “You should tell Sally that you’ll sharpen her scalpels for her. A good whetstone like that is worth its weight these days.”

I looked at it and said quietly, “It was my father’s.”

Carmine glanced over as Jack nodded. I said thoughtfully, “As long as her tools aren’t too messed up I have a really fine grit stone that works good on razors.”

Carmine asked, “You can sharpen straight razors?”

I nodded. “I can, but I don’t like to use this stone to do it. Straight razors – just like doctoring tools – need the finest edge possible.”

Frustrated Carmine demanded, “Then why the Sam Hill didn’t I know?”

I shrugged, “I didn’t know you had one that needed sharpening. I’ve only ever seen you look scruffy.”

I heard laughter beside me and turned to see a young woman bringing a pan over to collect more meat. Carmine said, “Don’t encourage her Clarey.”

Completely unfazed the young woman named Clarey said, “Why not? It’s good for you Uncle Carmine … builds character.”

Carmine snorted, “That much character no man needs.”

More laughter followed and Clarey turned to me and said, “Grandmother wants to know if you’ll come and sharpen the knives we have as well.”

Carmine snorted again and glowered but I saw the twinkle in his eye so I didn’t take it too seriously. I got up from where I had been sitting on the ground and could feel where the chill had made me stiff. The other women were nearer the fire and Clarey threw a braded rug on the ground for me to sit on. She said, “It’s not much but that’s got to be better than the gravel you were sitting on over there.”

I shrugged and said, “It is, thank you, but you didn’t need to. You didn’t take if from anyone did you?”

She smiled and shook her head, “No. Grandmother said your name is Gurl. Is … is it really?” I nodded. “OK, I just thought maybe Uncle Carmine was playing a trick or something.”

“No, it’s really my name … or the only one …” I gave up. Either people would accept it or they wouldn’t. These people may be Carmines family but I didn’t want to have to explain it all over yet again.

Clarey ignored my unfinished sentence and said, “We’ll eat well tonight and tomorrow. Fresh buffalo is delicious. I overheard you telling Grandfather about drying the elk meat; drying buffalo is similar, there is just a lot more of it. It is going to be a job and a tight fit to get everything on the scaffolding we have.”

I looked and saw that as the older, more experienced women cut the large pieces of meat into very thin strips that would be taken and strung onto wooden dowels so that they hung down but did not touch. When the dowel was full it was handed off to another woman who would hang it on frames built over coals. I saw that the same woman seemed to be putting chips of wood on the coals.

Without thinking I said, “There is a dead apple tree behind the house that the cow busted up if you want to use that.”

I hated the sudden attention that my words brought me and wished I’d never let them slip passed my teeth. The woman by the fire said, “Apple? Really? How green is it?”

I said quietly, “It isn’t green at all. I used some of it when I was drying the elk meat.”

The woman sent a couple of small children off and they were soon back with a cloth full of wood chips that they carried like a bucket between them. The woman looked at the chips and said, “Someone needs to sharpen their axe.”

I shrugged, “I didn’t have an axe or I would have. I was using a sharp stone I found near the river to make chips with. Mostly I wound up having to peel splinters out of some of the smaller limbs.”

The same woman, after a short, surprised pause asked, “Is apple all you used?”

I shook my head. “I tried oak and maple as well. There’s a fallen alder tree I used but I kept that for the fish I smoked.”

Sally who sat nearby said dryly, “From the river … the one you fell into. And how did you catch them?”

“I made a basket out of some of the wimpiest branches I could find and stuck it under one of the narrow cascades. I didn’t catch many, but it was only me at the time so …” Another shrug. I wasn’t sure what the third degree was about.

Carmine had ears like a fox and said, “Ha! You should see her spear fish with a sharpened stick.”

Irritated at him for some reason I said, “I was after frogs that day, the trout just got in the way. How was I supposed to know they were so close to the bank? I thought when it got cold they go to the deeper part.”

He laughed, “They’re supposed to. Your “Some One” was doing us a favor.”

One of the older woman asked, “Some One?”

I felt like sinking into the ground but was saved when a very old man came over and looked at me. His eyes looked like they’d seen the world come and go several times in his life span. He nodded and said, “Yah-weh. The Creator.”

I nodded but refused to say anything else. The old man nodded and moved on, making his slow way closer to the fire where he finally sat.

Clarey frowned and asked Sally, “Grandmother can I bring U-gu-gu some tea? His bones are aching.”

Sally nodded and we all finally became engrossed in what we were doing. I put an edge on every blade of every sort that was handed to me until I was doing it only by the light of the fire I had turned to use. The youngest children had been bundled off to bed long ago and finally, with the many hands to help, the last of the meat was hung to dry.

I was putting a fine edge on Sally’s tools which took concentration. The blades themselves weren’t very big and one wrong move could knick and ruin them. I finally put the last one down and stretched my neck and shoulders to ease the tension that had taken up residence there. Carmine chose that moment to come over carrying a large blanket. “Ready to eat?”

I blinked owlishly around realizing a lot of people were dozing under blankets of their own. Carmine sat beside me and wrapped the blanket around us after he handed me a small pot and two spoons. “Crockery is sparse, breaks real easy on the road; we’ll have to share this.”

“Trenchers,” I mumbled around a bite of hot, delicious meat.

“Huh?”

“Make trenchers.” When he still looked unsure about what I meant. “Kind of like a small wooden trough.”

“That thing you were eating out of before I came along?”

I nodded but told him, “It isn’t a piece of junk like you’re acting as if it is.”

He’d finished and pulled the blanket around us tighter and said, “Don’t get wound up. I didn’t mean it was a piece of junk. Did you make it?”

I shrugged, still trying to finish what he’d left me to eat. “I just finished what nature had started. I found it right before I got to the Badlands and it gave me something to do at night.”

“Besides sleep you mean? You’d only been walking all day after all.”

I sighed. “I thought you said you didn’t mind I wasn’t the breakable sort of girl.”

He snorted, took the finally empty pot from my hand and handed it off to Clarey who was walking by and then without asking laid us both down facing the fire. I wasn’t going to fight him in front of his family but I wasn’t exactly pleased with his move either. He chuffed in my ear and then whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m too tired to finish that conversation we started earlier today. It’ll happen soon enough but not in the middle of a small village-worth of people. Now sleep. While the buffalo meat dries tomorrow some of us are going hunting for elk or deer. The meat and hides are needed.”

More tired than I wanted to admit I nevertheless looked around until I saw several guards. Carmine muttered, “Relax. If a big, fat bear comes sniffing around for the meat it just means more meat to preserve. Jerry’s people know what they’re doing.”

The absolute confidence in Carmine’s voice was tempting to give into. Instead I said, “It’s not bears I’m worried about but a repeat of the big cat.”

He grunted. “I told him about it and they’re on the lookout in case it had a partner. Now for criminey sake, shut up so we can sleep. You may be able to run on a thimble full of shut eye but my bumper’s dragging.” He captured my feet and pulled them between his and I realized he noticed that I had started to tuck my feet near him at night so they wouldn’t get cold. He muttered, “I’m making you some fur-lined moccasins. Those icicles you call toes will be very appreciative when the time comes.”

I finally gave in and wiggled until I was surrounded by his body heat and said right before we both dozed off, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” His tired chuff of humor is the last thing I heard for a while.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 27

I woke up with a start, a half-remembered dream of being chased through a maze of buildings and alleys like a rat … like the rat I was and was still … echoing through the corridors of my mind. I came to myself fast enough so I knew I hadn’t been sleeping very deeply. I controlled my breathing so I wouldn’t start coughing, but I was already feeling some of the benefits of the treatment that Sally had prescribed.

As if he read my mind Carmine whispered in my ear, “You don’t need to run. I’m right here.”

I turned into his embrace and whispered back, “If anyone could make me feel safe it would be you. But I can’t change who I am. I don’t want to run; sometimes I simply need to.”

“Away?”

I thought for a moment then assured him, “Maybe before, but not now. I just … just … I am what I am Carmine. I’m also in large part what happened to me … at SEPH and before. I’ll never be as free as Bina or Clarey. One of these days I will be free … but never as free as they are; I can’t steal back the luxury of innocence that I’ve lost.”

It was a sad realization to accept that; I’d been fighting it, but it was senseless to continue to do so. Sometimes you simply must accept things the way there are. I had come to the Wastelands seeking freedom only to realize some bit of it would always escape me. It was time I accepted that, no one is ever completely free; all a person can do is be as free as they can be and enjoy it while it lasts because someone is always trying to take it from you; sometimes people even do it to themselves.

“Deep thoughts Saloli,” Carmine’s voice rumbled near my ear, keeping the conversation between the two of us alone despite the people around us.

I shrugged. “But not worth you losing sleep over. Go back to sleep I’m going to …”

“… stay where it’s warm. In fact, I shouldn’t have kept you out here last night. I must be out of my mind. You need to be back at the cabin and out of this crappy weather. We’ll have snow this time tomorrow.”

“Ice, but it will be the day after; not tomorrow,” I told him with a shiver.

I didn’t have to explain. “Think so?”

“Yeah, feels like it. Damp like a rain is coming but not cold enough to turn it into the fluffy stuff … it’ll rain by tomorrow night and then the temps will drop. I always hate when it got like this. There was no place to escape the really bad cold except for down subway tunnels and there was no way I was going down there.”

A quiet, “That was one of your nightmares when the fever took you. Sounded bad. Makes it tempting to think people coming in and rounding up all the orphans to give them a home isn’t such a bad thing.”

I stiffened immediately. “SEPH did not give us homes. They put us in lock ups so that we had no way to escape the ones that would try to abuse us on the street, the pedophiles, the adult gangs that hated us, the …” I stopped and shook my head. “What’s that old saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even if they started out meaning what they did for the best, in the end the results were something totally different.”

Sadly he said, “Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.”

A cold wind that trickled down the back of my neck caused me to burrow even closer to his warmth. “No. You didn’t know. And it isn’t your fault. We all have our own platefuls to deal with. I’m sure that you had your own mess to live with during that time.”

He grunted, “Difference was I was already grown and half way chose the path I took. How old were you when you were forced onto the street?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah. To me. Doesn’t change what’s between us if that’s why you think I’m asking but it would help me … see why you are like you are sometimes.”

I wondered if maybe he expected me to ask about his past. I was curious about it but I was willing to wait until he told me. He was trying to pull my story out of me and it wasn’t all that comfortable a feeling. Still, I trusted him more than I’d ever trusted another … even more than I had trusted Asa during the best times. With Asa I had felt the need to “fix” him or to help him until he could fix himself. Stupid and about like if someone had tried to do that with me. With Carmine it was a totally different dynamic.

“You don’t have to talk about it.”

Carmine’s words startled me out of my thoughts. “Sorry. Just thinking about it all. I … I can’t remember exactly how old I was. I think I was eight when they took me away after my parents died and the riot that destroyed the place where a lot of other orphans were warehoused was a few months after that. So I was eight or nine. When we first hit the street I was part of a small group that had banded together before the riot. But when the nominal leader of the group found what remained of his family and he and his sister left, the rest of the group quickly disbanded, fell apart.”

“Is that when you stopped talking?”

“Huh? No, before then … maybe a long time before then. I was mute by choice when they took me out of the … the house. Yeah, we lived in a house in a subdivision. We had a garden. My dad was some kind of essential worker, mom was a teacher before I was born.” The memories rolled over me and I let him see them in a way I’d never shared with anyone else. “I had an older sister that died before the Outbreak, she had something wrong with her; her heart maybe, I can’t remember. It feels like I was really young when she died. Then an older brother. The sling shot belonged to him and he used it to keep things out of the garden with. I …” A sharp pain jabbed me in the temple. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I tried to push away from Carmine and get out of the covers but his burly arms held me and he said, “Sure. O’ course. You got another headache?”

I stiffened and wondered how he had known. He answered me even though I hadn’t asked aloud. “I felt you flinch. And you always get a headache when you start talking about anything before SEPH.”

“I’m fine.”

He snorted. “You’d say you were fine if your leg was half cut off.” He sighed. “I don’t suppose me ordering you to stay in this blanket would work?

“What do you think?”

A chuff that was little more than half a laugh was my answer. We both came out of our cocoon nest to find we weren’t the only ones moving about. Noticing there was a rather obvious direction the two sexes were going I surmised there was an unspoken agreement that one side was for the girls and the other for the boys. I was right and after our morning needs were taken care of Carmine and I met back up near the fire which was being poked to life so people wouldn’t break their necks stumbling around in the dim morning light.

Around a piece of what I was informed was fry bread Carmine mumbled, “Goin’ huntin’. Look … it’s … uh …”

I had noticed that there were only boys and men going on the hunt. I shrugged. I’m not stupid, I might not have a lot of experience with the males roaming this planet but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t figured a few things out. “It’s a guy thing?”

His relief was a little silly looking at first but then he drew up and asked, “What do you know about ‘guy things’?”

I rolled my eyes and told him, “Enough to know that I don’t want to be the only female in the middle of a wound up pack of them. If the hunt goes good, you’ll behave like cave men. If the hunt goes bad, then the lone female will get blamed for jinxing things. No thank you. I can find enough trouble to get into on my own.”

That thought seemed to alarm him even more but before he could say anything I walked over to Sally and asked if she had anything else that needed sharpening. I watched Carmine in the reflection of the cooking pots and I could tell he didn’t know whether to say anything or not. Jerry came up and clapped him on the shoulder and they were off, soon getting swallowed by the dark.

Sally was giving instructions to some of the young women and took a moment to answer me. “Actually I believe you have sharpened everything that needs it. Are you at loose ends?”

Never volunteer. Never volunteer. Never, never, never volunteer. “I don’t have anything at the moment.”

“Good. Carmine mentioned that you would like to learn to make pemmican and this is as good a time as any. Once the men get back our work load will depend on them.”

I would have to tell Carmine that I could find my own chores, he didn’t need to do it for me. It was a little embarrassing to be assigned to Clarey but it turned out to be the best thing. She was a good teacher and she didn’t hassle me about not knowing how to do something she obviously grew up doing.

She made a face, “In the old days they used a mortar and pestle type set up for grinding the dried meat into powder. And we still do if we have to make it on the run but for large amounts like Grandmother wants we pull out the meat grinders. We set aside all the leanest scraps just for this because it makes the pemmican less likely to spoil.”

I nodded and made sure and note that in my memory. She continued the lesson. “The measurements are real easy. Everything is by equal weight.”

To make sure I understood I said, “So if you use a pound of one ingredient you use a pound of any other ingredient.”

“Exactly,” she nodded. “Pemmican really only has three ingredients; dried meat, dried fruit, and rendered fat like tallow. Some of the aunties have been rendering the buffalo fat all night and that’s another reason why we try and resupply our pemmican after a hunt. Pork lard doesn’t make very good pemmican because it goes rancid too easily. Tallow is the best like from buffalo or domestic cattle. We use venison lard as well but buffalo is best.”

I realized something. This group – Carmine’s family – they had enough that they could be picky. Maybe not all the time but at least enough that the kids could pick and choose a favorite. I remembered when food – any food – was a luxury. I knew it still was some places in the east. Eventually someone would realize the Wastelands weren’t such a barren place after all and would come snooping.

“Hey, are you OK?”

I put my attention back on Clarey. “I’m fine. I was thinking that the Wastelands aren’t as wasted as some people think.”

She shrugged. “It can be. Our family has elders that remember the old ways and were happy to teach us; but even they’ve forgotten a lot and we are having to rediscover what has been lost. The time of year also makes a big difference. Grandfather said that Yahweh led us to the buffalo who led us to Uncle Carmine … and you. It’s all good right now, especially if the men can bring in a few elk or some mulies … mule deer I mean. U-gu-gu says there are too many deer and elk right now because there are not enough hunters. Thinning the herds will keep them healthy and they will not strip so much of the land trying to survive the winter which makes it doubly bad come the spring time for everyone.”

We’d finished grinding the meat and it looked like fibrous but fluffy mulch. “Don’t season the meat that you are going to use for pemmican. Well, I take that back, you can but you really shouldn’t. Sometimes the flavors don’t mix very well, especially if your meat is salty. Leave your seasoned meat for jerky. Now that we’ve ground the meat we could do the same with dried fruit. It doesn’t matter too much what kind of fruit you use, it just needs to be very dry; mostly we use chokecherries, serviceberries, or saskatoons. You want the fruit the same basic consistency as the dried, ground meat.”

It took less time to grind the fruit and an older lady, seeing we were almost finished, brought a pail of rendered tallow still warm from the fire. Using an old-fashioned balance as a scale, Clarey showed me how to measure the three ingredients equally and then what order to put them together.

“Because of the weather we need to work fast or the rendered tallow will solidify too quickly. First you need to mix your two dried ingredients together. It evenly distributes it so you don’t get a clump of this and a clump of that with each bite. It also makes it hold together better. As soon as you’re ready to start mixing pour your hot tallow into you mixing bowl; you don’t want it so hot that you fry the dried ingredients, but it still needs to be completely liquid. Next, put your dried ingredients in. From here on, if it is cold like today, you are going to need to mix fast.”

When we finished we had something that looked a little like a moist, crumbled dark bread. “There shouldn’t be any liquids left over when you are finished mixing. But don’t let things set up in the bowl. The next step is to put your mixture into a mold. We use these flat baking pans but U-gu-gu said that many different things have been used, there’s no perfect recipe. Some people like their pemmican sliced thick, some like it dried thin, some make it into balls; it really doesn’t matter so long as you don’t waste it.”

We made pemmican for the rest of the morning. I couldn’t believe how much dried meat and berries we used. “You won’t have any left,” I told her.

“Don’t forget about the buffalo meat from yesterday. When we have a good hunt like that we rotate things out.”

She was called away to tend to U-gu-gu. He was Sally’s first husband’s father and was a beloved elder not only for Jerry’s family but for everyone in their group. I could see how everyone fussed over him and I caught a fleeting glimpse of a face in my memory but couldn’t grab it fast enough for it to make any sense. That happened sometimes. The memory would either surface or it wouldn’t. I no longer made the mistake of chasing memories; it gave me a headache and the memories sometimes slipped away never to return.

I looked around and saw Bina and she had a look on her face that would have curdled milk. She sat at Sally’s feet with a large basket in her lap. I walked over curious and saw that it was full of what looked like acorns. I noticed that all the younger children were carrying baskets and gathering more.

Bina looked up and said, “I hate being a young lady.”

I shrugged and said, “Better than being a young man.” I saw Sally purse her lips in an attempt not to smile. “Show me what you’re doing.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s boring.”

“Depends. Do you like to eat?”

Caught off guard she said, “Huh?”

“Food is only boring when you have so much you don’t care about it. I see you are cracking them like nuts and taking the meats out. I assume that means that you are going to eat them.”

“Ew. Not until they’ve had the tannin leached out of them.”

“Tannin isn’t poisonous,” I said.

“No,” she agreed. “But it tastes nasty.” She sighed and told me, “You might as well sit down. If Ma-di catches you without something in your hands she’ll find something for you to do … that’s how I got stuck doing this.”

Sally chided her, “You’re old enough to help Bina. You’re getting too old to play all the time. We’ve been wrong to spoil you. You need to learn in case you find yourself alone.”

Bina didn’t like that idea. I saw fear skitter through her eyes but she hid it well. I spent the early afternoon hours learning how to make acorn meal and flour and also how to use it to make corn meal go further. I had a ton of recipes that I had collected from the archives that I’d gotten access to at SEPH and a whole section on Native American and Pioneer foods but reading about it was different than actually seeing it used.

I was looking for another learning experience when some boys ran into the camp breathless and excited. It was obvious it had been a good hunt just from their expressions. The boys were the vanguard and sent to warn the women that the meat would soon be arriving and that the men were hungry. Soon enough the men followed carrying field dressed carcasses … a dozen of them.

I noticed several women going up to specific men and congratulating them. I finally figured out they were couples. Carmine stood off to the side with Jerry and I made my way around the crowd and then stood off to the side trying to figure the best way to approach him. I didn’t want to get into the middle of the men and boys; and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself or Carmine. Carmine spotted me standing behind the bushes that surrounded a tree.

Concerned, he walked over and asked, “Something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No. I … I just wanted to … hmmm …”

“What?”

I glanced over at the women that were happy to see their men and he caught where I was looking. After a moment of surprise he gave me a real smile. “We’ll do it proper when there aren’t so many people around.”

I was relieved and was glad that Carmine seemed to understand. “Was it a good hunt?” I asked.

He nodded, obviously pleased. “Real good. One of those mulies and one of the elk are ours. Between that and the buffalo we should be good until spring if I can’t get anything … if we can’t … get anything fresh. Jerry is anxious to finish up here and get to their winter camp. He said we were welcome to come but … I told him we’d stay here for a while yet. That OK with you?”

I relaxed the rest of the way. “Yes.” I had started to think that perhaps he’d want to go with his family.

The rest of the day and through the night was a repeat of the one before only this time I helped. After I proved that I could clean a hide and prepare it I was put to work. It takes experience not to knick the hide and to stretch it properly. The deer and elk were bigger pieces than was I used to but it was the frames that made the difference.

I wasn’t just working, I was learning too. I didn’t talk but my ears worked just fine. I learned that elk tallow was better for candles than buffalo tallow because it was harder when solid. I learned that elk hooves could be used like rattles to make a traditional musical instrument. The base of a bull elk’s antlers could be carved into spoons while the rest could be used as napping tools to make arrow heads – one old man was teaching some boys the trade – handles, wedges, buttons, and any number of useful items. Elk teeth decorated clothing. Tough elk hide made the best soles for moccasins. The elk’s scapula bone could be used as a shovel or gardening tool.

Deer stomachs are cleaned and preserved and then used as containers. Bone marrow is used for food but some bones were also used for augers and needles. Sinew makes the best thread in the world (or so I was told). Between the buffalo, elk, and deer the list of ways to use the animals seemed endless. I knew about brains for tanning but rats brains were quite a bit smaller than the ones that were given to the tanners – a husband and wife team that looked like they could have stepped out of the pages of a book on mountain men.

We worked by firelight late into the night and then into the early morning hours. I was in drone mode, trying to hold my end of the work up.

“Enough. You’re asleep on your feet.”

Carmine had come up behind me and wrapped me in the same blanket we had slept in the night before. “The hides …”

“… are being worked on by others. You’re the color of paste and I’ve finished my turn on guard. Come on.”

I let him pull me towards what looked like a lean-to that he or someone had erected with the open side toward the fire. “I’m not a child. I won’t sleep while everyone else works.”

“Humor me then. I’m dead on my feet.”

I don’t even remember laying down I was asleep just that quickly.

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 28

Shivering woke me but it wasn’t my own. “Carmine?”

“We are not sleeping on this ground again,” he muttered through teeth gritted against another round of shivering.

We both got up and took care of nature but I felt bleary-eyed and sore. Nothing I hadn’t felt before or worse but it still made me want to go curl up in the cabin and rest. Carmine must have felt the same way because he said, “I’m gonna check and see if our part of the dried meat is ready; if it is I’ll carry it to the cabin and store it if you want to finish up what you were doing last night.”

I nodded. I had helped to rack the bull buffalo hide on a big eight-foot by eight-foot frame. We’d left the hair on it since we wanted it for a bed covering this winter. Ma-di, the wife of the pair of tanners, told me for us it was a good choice and she was glad to have to the two cow hides as they needed them for softer projects.

“Save the hair from the areas you trim off. The hair is dead useful. You can stuff pillows or make mattresses if you can collect enough. You can spin and then braid it into a rope strong enough for a lariat. And if you can spin and weave it can be made into a kind of fabric or turned into something called linsey-woolsey. We always have the children collect the buffalo hair when we find where they have been scratching.”

Hauling the dried meat wasn’t a problem, it was bulky but light and Carmine and I just hauled it away on our backs; that buffalo hide and the elk and deer hides was another matter. First off there was the issue that Ma-di and her husband needed their frame back. Carmine and I spent a couple of hours cutting straight, sapling trees, trimming them, and then hauling them inside the cabin. We built our own frame and then leaned it against the loft area. Next came the fun part of taking the buffalo hide off of Ma-di’s frame, hauling the hide to the cabin, and then re-lacing it to the new frame. I climbed up and down the loft ladder so many times that I started coughing again and Carmine called a halt.

“You need to drink some tea.”

Shaking my head, “I need to get this finished.”

“Gurl …”

“Carmine, it’s weird having you look after me … kinda … kinda nice … but still a little weird. I’m not used to it. I’m not trying to … to be …”

Carmine smiled, “Stop apologizing for being who you are. I still want you to come down and drink a cup of this tea. I’ll pull and lace that thing – I’ve done it before – and then when you’ve finished this then you can go back to working yourself to death. Deal?”

He made me want to smile which just added to the weirdness factor. “Deal.”

I think we were all in a rush. We could all sense the weather change coming. Carmine and I brought the elk and deer hide up to the cabin but we left them rolled up. I would have to soak them and start all over but at least all the flesh was off. While I brought in all my other hides and furs to hang inside the cabin – it was starting to look like taxidermy hell in there – Carmine brought wood inside so we wouldn’t have to go out in any bad weather. “This place needs a lean to instead of just that little shed off to the side. Matter of fact there’s a couple of things this place needs, starting with some chairs to go with that table we brought back; a bench if nothing else.”

I shrugged, “Don’t you think we have enough work without making more?”

“Hmph. I’ll need something to keep me busy when we get snowed in. You can play with your furs and hides and whatever else but what am I going to do?”

Then he looked at me and he went kind of still. When I figured out where his imagination had gone off to my stomach started to feel all strange and I felt the heat in my face. Nothing was said but there was an understanding between us and the word “soon” floated around making us hyper aware and sensitive.

We both went outside to see if Jerry’s group needed anything to help them along and we were both – or at least I was – surprised to see that their camp was broken down and everything was nearly all packed.

Jerry and Uncle Jack came over when they saw us. “I was just coming to find you Brother. You feel the change?”

Carmine nodded, “Rain is coming.”

“Yeah. We need to be down off this mountain road before it starts which means leaving now.”

There was a lot of hugs and back pounding and I backed up hoping they wouldn’t pull me into it. U-gu-gu just appeared behind me and said, “Carmine is a good hunter and you are a good homemaker. You need him and he needs you. Take him into your Clan and keep him. May you both be blessed by Yahweh and may your Clan grow in number and strength.”

I couldn’t remember ever having been blessed before … blessed out, yes; blessed as in being given a blessing, no. Carmine came over and smiled. “I don’t plan on giving her any reason to toss my belongings into the yard.”

U-gu-gu nodded and said, “See you don’t. It would be a bad day indeed for both our clans.” The dignified old man limped over to one of the RVs and was helped up the stairs by a young boy that even from the distance I was could see he idolized him.

We watched the caravan pull out. I looked at Carmine’s face and he was sad and it made me wonder if he had chosen to stay at the cabin for the wrong reasons. “Carmine …”

He snapped out of it fast enough and it was like he read my mind. He sighed, “I like to visit with family but I’m too Alpha of a wolf to live under Jerry and Uncle Jack’s roof for long. Although by rights it really belongs to Sally and Ma-di.”

“Huh?”

He smiled. “The old ways of Grandfather and Sally’s mother is that things run matrilineal … through the female line of the family.”

“I know what it means … I just have a hard time seeing you as OK with that.”

He shrugged. “Actually doesn’t bother me. Male and female had their own roles and there wasn’t a whole lot of overlap. Didn’t matter whose name stuff was in so long as both people knew that the goal was forever. My great grandparents lived their whole lives that way with no problem. It was their son and then his son¸ my father¸ that couldn’t live with things that way and married outside of the Nation. Sally’s first husband was native but Jack is a half-blood. Jack’s first wife was white which is why Ma-di is so light skinned.”

“Ma-di is Jack’s daughter? I didn’t know that.”

“They were estranged for a while because Ma-di’s mother couldn’t live the traditional way her mother in law wanted her to. During the Outbreak Jack gathered his children together and Sally gathered hers … Jack’s wife had divorced him and he doesn’t talk about her much – neither does Ma-di so I’m not sure if she lives or not. Sally’s husband died and she and Jack paired up. U-gu-gu actually is the one who played matchmaker. Jack is a techie and is almost as good as Asa though years older as you can see. Jerry liked him right off the bat but two of Jerry’s sisters, not so much; they thought their mother was rushing into things and on top of it they thought Jack was beneath her. They started their own family group and have a base camp not too far from Jerry’s so they generally get together in the winters. There was another brother but he died in the war. Nearly everyone in Jerry’s group is related by blood or by marriage.”

I asked a question that had been bothering me almost from the beginning. “I … look, it isn’t any of my business but where did all of the really young children come from?”

“Bothered you?”

“Not bothered exactly … just … you hardly see that many little kids all in one location. In the cities they are taken away and live in crèches … sort of like orphanages I guess only really taken care of. Even of the Fertiles, being fertile doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you are going to be permitted to keep the babies you have.”

He looked like he was going to say something, stopped, and then said, “I wouldn’t mind a rug rat or two … adoption is a lot more common out here than it is back East where neither one of us would likely qualify. There’s women that do that out here as a living.”

“They … they … there are … sur … sur … surrogates … here?”

I nearly felt in a panic. It was like my secret was out and I was in danger again. “I don’t know if I would call it that exactly. These women choose it. And medicos like Sally try and track the babies so that we don’t wind up with a lot of problems down the road of brother and sister marrying. But hey, no need to hyperventilate, if you don’t like the idea of kids …”

“The kids aren’t the problem though I’m not too sure anyone would want me for a mother … it’s … it’s the idea of not being given a choice to say no.”

“Hey, don’t freak on me sweetheart. We don’t have to adopt.”

“Not me … us … I mean the surrogates. It’s not right to make someone do that.”

He finally understood. “No Gurl, they do it because they want to, not because they are being pressured to.”

I looked at him and then asked, “No harvesters or SEPH or anything like that?”

“Nope. They don’t live on every street corner, nor in every town … but I know a couple.”

It still made me uncomfortable but I nodded. “OK, but only if it is completely voluntary for the woman involved. No egg stealing or baby stealing or anything like that.”

He gave me a look and I said, “You really hate SEPH don’t you.”

I growled, “And everything they stand for. It’s wrong and stupid. They are looking for some genetic map to Utopia and it doesn’t exist because DNA is just a vessel that holds the soul, it isn’t the soul itself.”

I was immediately embarrassed when I saw Carmine’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. “Whoa … that sounded educated.”

“Don’t. It’s not funny. I know I’m a street rat …”

“Nope. You’re my Saloli and I’ve teased you enough … and kept you out in this cold. And what is that you’re doing to your hands?”

“Wrapping them in strips of fabric. I’ll make some mittens when the furs are finished.”

He looked aggravated. “I should have thought. You don’t have any gloves. Here, take mine.”

I shook my head refusing. “They’d just fall off. Besides this way I can feel to pick up acorns.”

“What’s that got to do with … wait, what do you mean pick up acorns.”

“Bina showed me how to use acorns and I wanted to gather baskets of them before the rain starts.”

“Don’t suppose I can talk you out of it.”

I looked at him and he laughed. “Well, sounds like a fine idea even if it is getting cold as blue blazes. Not much time for anything else anyway and we can sit in front of the fire and crack what we need as we need them. Can store them up in the loft in baskets as soon as we dry them off. I think I know where we can get hickory nuts at the same time and check the fish trap, and I might have a surprise for you. The boys mentioned it while we were on the hunt and I set a trap out yesterday before coming back from the hunt.”

*****

Carmine wound up using the solar wagon to help us transport our finds back to the cabin before it got dark. We found not just hickory but black walnuts that the squirrels had somehow overlooked.

“It wasn’t too far from here that the cat and I went into the river,” I reminded Carmine.

“Which probably explains why there’s still nuts on these trees.”

I was trying to figure out the connection when he explained what he meant. “Big cat needs lots of food. I can’t say for sure, but I bet the cat had exhausted most of the small prey in this vicinity and when you came along it was too good of an opportunity for the beast to turn away from.”

“Don’t care,” I muttered. “Just don’t want it to happen again.”

My coughing became increasingly aggravating and because of that I began to feel irritable. Carmine noticed and said, “OK, this is enough. We’ll be cracking nuts and acorns from now ‘til doomsday as it is. Let’s check the trap line and then head back to the cabin to unload.”

The trap line caught three coyotes. Carmine wasn’t happy. “This was not what I was after.” He sighed again. “Well, I’ll make … whoa … will you look at that.”

“What is it … an antelope?”

“Pronghorn. Now we know what the coyote were after. This is someone’s old basement or root cellar. I’ve been through this area nearly every day and never even saw this.” “This” was a hole in the ground. The pronghorn fell in when it collapsed.

Carmine climbed down and came out with the pronghorn. He looked at me and asked, “You up for doing another hide?”

“Sure, why not?” I smiled. Some One was watching out for us again.

“This one isn’t very big … a juvenile … which is probably why it got caught. Usually they are more sure-footed. And there’s some jars and stuff down in here, old ones from the look of it and empty thank goodness. Give me something and I’ll try and bring out what I can. Another day we’ll come back and dig it out more and see what we can find.”

We couldn’t take the wagon near the river – too many trees in the way – so we parked and walked. “Carmine! Are you crazy?! That water is cold!”

“Yes Granny,” he chuffed.

It wasn’t funny. He was balanced on the bank and a couple of stones and pulling something up out of the water. “Eureka!”

I asked him, “What are you shouting Eureka for? You didn’t actually find gold with that contraption did you?”

So I was a little snarky and wasn’t paying a lot of attention. I turned around and the cage was right at my face and all I could see were little monsters. I yelped and just about climbed the hood of the wagon until I realized what he was holding. “Little lobsters?”

“Rusty crayfish. The boys found some yesterday and were using them to bait some fish traps, but these are good all on their own. We’ll boil them for dinner and with some antelope steaks have us a feast. I don’t know about you but I’ve had just about all of the buffalo I can stand for a day or two; was hoping for a rabbit or two but what we’ve got is nothing to sneeze at or take for granted. This is probably the last time we’ll get to do this so easily if the weather is really going to turn sour on us.”

And the weather was definitely turning sour. We hurried back to the cabin and had just taken the last of the nuts and acorns into the cabin when I felt the first wet drop. “Here it comes Carmine.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 29 (Part 1)

Cold. Wet. Cold and wet. And ice. Ick.

At first it was just cold and a little wet; then the rain really started coming down. It was like that for a few hours then the rain got lighter but the situation actually got worse. Trees started coming down. We could hear them crash.

Not afraid but definitely unnerved I said, “Carmine?”

“Hmm,” he grunted where we were both huddled upstairs around the fireplace there. We were trying to keep too much ice from forming by keeping the temperature in the house above thirty-two degrees. And if we were going to have a fire we might as well take advantage of it. We were also eating the crayfish and didn’t want the smell of them down in our room. If I didn’t pay too much attention to what I was doing they tasted good; when I noticed what I was picking apart and putting in my mouth¸ not so much. That was the trick of staying alive as a street rat; you eat to survive, but it isn’t always a good thing to pay too close attention to the shape of what goes in your mouth.

Uncomfortable with the nostalgia the crayfish and cold weather was bringing to me I continued, “Ice storms were bad in the city but not like this. Ever so often a storm could bring down a building but it was usually snow weight rather than ice that did it. I assume what I am hearing are trees falling.” He grunted an affirmative. “Just how much damage is there going to be?”

Carmine shrugged and then thought better of doing it again when he let in a puff of cold air under our blanket. We burrowed down and our body heat eventually drove the cold back outside the covers again. Carmine muttered. “Don’t know. Ice storms usually prune out the weak branches and some trees so how bad is relative. It only takes a quarter inch of ice to bring some of them down and I’m pretty sure we are going to get more of that a quarter inch. There’s already a half inch on the rail of the back porch last I checked. Good thing for us is that around here the trees are primarily average-to-strongly resistant types to ice storms. There are some that give way pretty easy but I’ve looked around and we don’t have too many that surround the cabin that would be a danger. Nothing growing directly over the cabin but them aspens around the trail head are gonna give us a mess of wood for the pile if it gets cold enough for them to explode.”

I looked at him and tried to decide if he was pulling my leg or not. “Excuse me? Exploding trees?”

He laughed at the look on my face. “Usually happens in the early part of the year around here; if it happens at all. First you have to have a day or two where it is warm enough to make sure the tree sap is fluid. Then you need a sudden hard freeze. What happens is the sap freezes so fast that it doesn’t give the tree an opportunity to expand slowly. Think of it like … well … do you remember what a balloon is?”

As it happened I did. “Yeah, I know what they are. I hate them. They used to give them to the little girls at SEPH to make them stop crying. Stupid things always popped and then they would just cry harder.”

“Ok,” he backtracked. I could see he hadn’t meant to trigger such a bad memory and I shook it off; it wasn’t Carmine’s fault that I had memories like that. “Anyway, if you blow a balloon up too fast or hard it will explode because weak spots can’t adjust fast enough. Or better, say you have a closed glass container of water and it freezes; it breaks the glass expanding. Well, same for some types of trees only it causes the trees to shatter and they make a sound like a shotgun going off.”

I was full of crayfish and warm from shared body heat and had started getting drowsy when Carmine said, “Let’s head on downstairs. Getting too cold up here.”

Not wanting to move because it would mean waking up and getting cold again I mumbled, “I thought we would need to keep the ice off up here.”

“Not going to work. It’s dropping too far too fast. This is a bad storm for so early in the season. We were just sleeping on the ground last night and the night before. I hope Jerry got his people some place tucked up good.”

“They had hours to get away.”

He nodded, “True, but when you are traveling with a group of any size you move a lot slower. And those RVs aren’t really made for driving on icy roads. The only reason they were up this way is for the hunt. Their winter camp is getting hunted over because a couple of groups have made that area their year-round home.”

“Can they do that? Just take over someone else’s territory?”

He sighed. “Some people don’t think of the land as territory. The land just is. What is on the land can belong to someone but the land itself can’t.”

Getting a little irritated I said, “You aren’t going to start doing that ‘white man vs. everyone else’ thing are you? Because I’m not stupid. Just because I don’t know if any of my ancestors are Native American doesn’t mean I don’t get the concept. I got that a little bit from a few of Jerry’s people, not many but there were a couple. It’s like they were trying to make me feel guilty for something that my ancestors possibly did generations and generations ago.”

“Don’t be so sensitive,” he told me. “Things are different out here is all. I understand what you’re saying and it isn’t just Indians that do that … we got people of all makes and models out here that have baggage left over from different historical events. The Japanese bring up the internment camps of WW2, the Chinese bring up being the slave labor that built the railroads, the Mexi’s talk about how their ancestors used to own most of the West, the blacks bring up slavery … you only got a small taste of it and I can just imagine the ones that you got it from and don’t worry, Jerry normally keeps ‘em in check by having them take a look in the mirror ‘cause they’re not full breeds and asks ‘em which side of their ancestry are they going to hate the most. I used to have to listen to people whine and moan and blaming other people for their current situation all the time as sec boss. It’s personal choice and a lack of personal responsibility that puts folks where they are, not who gave birth to them … it’s what they do or don’t do with what they’re born with that tells the tale.”

He shook his head, irritated at getting off track. “Look, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on in the Wastelands I doubt you’ve ever faced back East and most of it has to do with the type of people that have chosen to live here as well as those that have don’t have a lot of other options. There are folks that claim they are anarchists but they aren’t, not really, not in the strictest meaning of the word. Then you’ve got the feudal warlord types that watched too many TeeVids as a kid; crazy as a drunk pig most of them but that don’t make them less dangerous, maybe only more so. Then you’ve got the types like Gill who are idealists but who keep making the same mistakes as everyone else did that got us in this situation to begin with. Plenty of variation in those groups too so it gets too hard to put a single label on them. Then you’ve got the groups that are from the Outlands and back East that want to bring the Wastelands back into the fold so to speak.”

Curious I asked, “What kind are you?”

“A lot closer to your type than I am to the other ones.”

Even more curious I asked, “And what exactly do you think my type is?”

“You want to be free to live without having to worry that someone is going to come snatch you and take what should only be yours to give. You just want to be left alone and not have to worry about looking over your shoulder every minute of the day.”

He was right. I just want to be able to live and sleep without fear for a change. I was beginning to wonder if that was even possible. I must have dozed again because I woke up laying back against Carmine who was leaning against a thick lodge pole beam that supported the loft overhead. His hands were starting to go places that they’d never been before. I woke disoriented and jerked away; he tightened his arm around me.

“Easy. It’s just me.”

That stopped me and I turned and gave him a look and asked, “And exactly who else did you think I thought it might be?”

He back pedaled but it was a little on the clumsy side. “I’m … er … well … you jumped. I … well … I guess it was a dumb thing to say.”

I turned back around, “Not dumb just … don’t think I’ve ever made it a habit to let anyone get this close. Just because I didn’t always win the battles with SEPH it doesn’t mean that I let just anyone get this … er … close.”

Thoughtfully he asked, “What about Asa?”

Irritated at being woken and my reaction to his touch I said, “I thought we already had this discussion.”

“Well, we started it I guess. Now, this time let’s really move downstairs. When we start this conversation I don’t want it to get interrupted.” He was right, it was time, maybe passed time.

It was pitch dark in the cabin except for the few glowing coals left in the upstairs fireplace; we had to feel our way down the basement steps. As soon as we closed the door I could feel that it was going to be warmer than staying upstairs would have been. I hung a hide “blanket” across the door to keep drafts out while Carmine got the fire going toasty.

When he had finished he said, “C’mere.”

I wanted to give him a look but to be honest his goofy expression kinda made me want to laugh. Apparently that wasn’t the effect he was going for because he asked affronted, “What are you laughing about?”

I shook my head trying hard not to let it out. “I’m … I’m not … not laughing.”

“Well, if you aren’t laughing it looks like dinner didn’t set too well with you.”

That did it. I’m not a person to let my feelings show very easily … well, except perhaps for contempt and anger and such … but with Carmine and some privacy I could let my walls down. “I’m … I’m not … not laughing … really … really I’m not.”

“Humph,” was all he said but he didn’t seem to be that put out by it. Instead he said, “Are you going to come over here or do I come to you? Either way is fine with me, just … it’s a lot warmer up here on this bed where we can share the covers.”

I gave him a look like I was considering it and then I gave in and said to heck with it. “Move over and don’t hog the space.”

“Can I help it if you’re just so …”

Looking him dead in the eyes I said, “If you want to get very far with this particular conversation I would not start ragging on my size if I were you.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 29 (Part 2)

Carmine started smiling and said, “Oh ho … like that is it?” Then as I was kicking off my boots and climbing in he got serious in a way he hadn’t before. “You are a tiny little thing. And don’t go getting your knickers in a knot Gurl. I do worry a little about … er … hurting you.”

Trying to avoid his concerns I told him, “If SEPH couldn’t break me with their fold, spindle, and mutilate practices I doubt seriously if you can hurt me … at least physically.”

He sighed and then pulled us both down under the covers where we lay until the shivers … at least from the cold … went away. “Gurl, half the time I don’t … look, you … you may know things but at the same time there are things in this life you haven’t experienced. It’s the difference between book learning and life learning.”

I laid my head on his shoulder and he groaned. It made me smile. He felt it and groaned again. “You are not helping,” he complained.

I sat up enough to look at him and for him to see me. “Carmine, I’m ready … or as ready as I’m ever going to be. Just promise me … when you get to the point that you don’t want to be around me anymore that you’ll be honest and tell me up front. I don’t want to have to guess like I did with Asa.”

“When?” He groaned and kicked off his own boots. “OK, this is gonna stop before we go any further … and I do intend on going further so you better listen to me. It isn’t ‘when.’ And it isn’t ‘if.’ I’ve waited too long to find someone like you and I don’t aim on turning loose. I will if you toss me out, I do have some pride; but, it ain’t gonna because I wanna leave.”

I was touched, really I was, but I’m a realist to the bone. “Asa said that too. And he meant it too. I just don’t want you feeling bad when … well … we’re friends and I don’t want you to think I’m going to hold you to some promise that is making you miserable.”

“You better.”

Confused I asked, “Better what?”

“Better hold me to my promise. ‘Cause that’s what people that make promises are supposed to do. I’ve waited long enough for you … or an idea of you … and here you are and if you think I’m so stupid as to let you slip through my fingers you got another think coming Gurl. I’m not going to hold you captive against your will but I wouldn’t mind if you let me pretend every so often if you’re in the right mood.”

He was nuts. Certifiable. On the other hand I could not ever remember wanting to laugh the way he made me want to laugh. Only I didn’t know for sure if I was supposed to be laughing. Because it wasn’t that I was laughing because he was crazy but because he made me … well … he made me feel good … happy. But I wasn’t going to say that out loud. No way was I going to jinx things. So instead I decided to show him.

He finally pulled back and tried to catch his breath. “Whoa, whoa, whoa Gurl. What’s the rush?”

“I thought that’s what you are after.”

He snorted, “Between you, me, and the animals skins what I want is gonna knock your socks off … but we are going to go get it slow. By the time I’m through you’ll be in no doubt as to my intentions … my permanent and serious intentions … as in you’ve got me lock, stock, and barrel forever and ever, amen kind of intentions. Got it?”

I suppose it is like learning to ride a bicycle. At first I really didn’t know what all the fuss was about. I mean I wanted to, but it just didn’t seem like something that would turn people inside out like it did. I was satisfied that Carmine seemed to be getting so much from it. But the more often he … er … gave me bike riding lessons the more I realized it really could be something. And then kapow … there it was, and I was just as enthusiastic to explore the new facet of our relationship as he was.

The storm seemed to rage day after day after day. Three days then a day of calm. Two days and then half a day of calm before starting up again and not letting up for four days. Two clear days and then it slammed back into us again for another three. Occasionally we would get a little stir crazy but we occupied ourselves with practical things like working the furs and hides, bringing in wood, and melting and boiling snow for water to cook with. When we weren’t occupied with the necessities of living Carmine and I occupied ourselves with what he called honeymooning.

“Is that what it’s called?” I asked, having reached the stage of being so comfortable with Carmine that I could actually try to tease a bit for fun.

“It’s what it’s called when it’s between you and me. Or … at least that’s what I’m calling it.”

Uh oh, my teasing backfired. It felt so strange to see this incredibly strong man go all needy and in need of reassurance. He didn’t do it much and the only time he seemed to do it was with things that concerned the him-and-I thing. It gave me a strange feeling, like I had a power that I’d never had before. But like with all power you have to know how to wield it or someone was going to get hurt.

I went over to him and sighed. “I think I goofed. I was just trying to … er … play with you. The same way you do with me. I think … no, I know … I’m still learning the rules with all of this. If you want to call it honeymooning then I’m fine with that; that’s what we’ll both call it. To me you and I are pack and this cabin is our nest … but it really doesn’t matter where our nest is, we’re still pack … together, you know … forever if that’s what you want.”

That made him smile and draw me to him and the kind of power that came into the room then was the shared kind. “You don’t use the same words but you mean the same thing I do. And yes, I mean forever.” There wasn’t a lot of noise after that for a while.

All things have to come to an end eventually and finally, after nearly three weeks, the storm went away and stayed away and the sun came out. There were several inches of snow on the ground and beneath the snow was a thick layer of ice that had never had the chance to melt off.

Carmine and I stared at the mess from the porch of the cabin but we didn’t stay out there long it was too cold. I asked, “OK, so what did you do in Gill’s settlement when it was like this?”

He snorted, “I was mostly busy trying to keep the stir crazies from tearing things up at the saloon and making sure the border patrols all got back safe in case they’d been stuck out in the storm. This was a hum dinger and if it got as far as Gill’s I can guarantee that he’s got his hands full at the moment.”

I looked but didn’t see any signs of satisfaction at the idea. It made me realize something that I had only vaguely been thinking. “You really didn’t like leaving the settlement did you?”

“Huh?” He looked at me and then frowned, obviously chagrined. “Let’s just say I didn’t like leaving under the circumstances that I left under. But the way things were moving it would have happened … would have had to happen … one way or the other. Gill and I were fighting too much and his pride couldn’t handle the fact that I was no longer his devoted servant. It was like if I didn’t agree with him totally I was being totally disloyal. It was getting to be too much for me to stomach; I’ve got my pride the same as any other man. As far as the settlement goes, with any changeover there will be trouble but I have a feeling they’ll have more trouble than they expect. I had to bust heads on occasion but not as often as people said, certainly not as often as this new regime seems to want to. Most folks have some sense if you can talk them into using it, but I don’t know if the new ones will know that or not. And I kept the freeloaders and takers from overwhelming the community. Kept the patrol groups sharp so that when we did have an incursion, we handled it swiftly and with finality. Can’t say if it was me that I would trust the guys that Gill is letting in.”

Curious I asked, “Do you ever see yourself going back? Letting them know you are alive? Trying to pick up where you left off?”

He sighed and thought about it. “Part of me does but … I think I’ve found what I want right here. Maybe not here, here … if we are going to stay long term we need to find some place where we can grow some crops … but here as in with you. I don’t like to ever say never – it’ll bite you on the backside every time – but I can’t envision too many scenarios that would have me going back to Gill and his group.”

I looked at him and saw he was serious. I told him, “Good. They were starting to feed on themselves – like a pack with a weak leader and no direction. Too much infighting and too much … I don’t know Carmine. I just don’t think it is a healthy place to be and I’m glad I don’t have to follow you back into it.”

That gave him pause, that I’d follow him even against my personal wishes. “What about Asa?”

I shrugged. “What about him? Asa chose his path. Maybe he and I can be open friends again – I don’t hold anything against him no matter how it ended – but I don’t go looking to get hurt any more than I can help it. Asa made his choice and that was Violet; the rest of it isn’t any of my business. He’ll either deal with his demons or not. For the rest of it … that’s none of my business either unless you going back makes it my business.” Wondering I asked, “Did any of that make any sense?”

He chuffed. “Yeah. Yeah it did … and I’ll get over bringing up and testing the waters where Asa is concerned. Just give me some time.”

“I didn’t say anything about that.”

“I know you didn’t, but you’ve thought it … and so have I. I feel like an idiot boy every time I do but can’t seem to stop myself. The … the two of you could have been good together. You were and I was jealous as … well, it was bad and I acted like an ass to hide it.”

Turning from the pot of soup that we had been cooking I looked at Carmine and said, “Maybe, but at the same time that’s why you brought me the horse and that’s why you were so bent I got beat up wasn’t it? I didn’t understand what your game was … and part of me wishes you had … had tried to get my attention sooner. Maybe with more options I wouldn’t have jumped at Asa’s offer so fast. Be that as it may, Asa and I didn’t turn out too well and that’s just the way it is. Mostly it was Asa but maybe some of it was me too. I … I think I tried to fix him or be with him to fix him. I could have left it alone and accepted him the way he was, but it always bothered me that he seemed so sure in most of his life except in that one area. I thought maybe, since I survived SEPH and all they did to me, that I could help him. My mistake. It was the wrong reason to be with him. And I was too full of myself to see it until it was too late, and he was so miserable he couldn’t even stand to be around me enough to tell me the truth.”

Carmine growled, “Last I saw, Asa was a grown man. He could have …”

I leaned over and kissed him, catching him completely off guard because it wasn’t something I normally did. “Over and done with and in the past. You asked, so I explained, but that’s all it is Carmine; a piece of my past that needs to stay in the past. Digging up bones rarely brings anything good. Asa and I both made some mistakes. I’m owning up to mine and this time I made a flaming brilliant choice about who I’m with. He’s a terrific person who I know I can trust with my back … and my front.”

Carmine gave me a bit of a stupefied look and asked, “Is that a fact?”

“A grade A gold one.”

“Well now, I do believe you are brilliant at that.” We both smiled and soon our dinner was dished up into a couple of large, mismatched mugs I had found and used as soup bowls.

Carmine mentioned, “Good thing you found and dried what you could before you got sick. If we had to depend on what was in my supplies alone we’d be hurting before spring got here. Between your clumsy elk and then the buffalo, elk, and mulie we’ll be set for dried meat as long as we’re cautious and we can try and bring in fresh to add to it … we’ll need the hides anyway.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t know you would be coming.” After a pause I told him, “I think Some One was looking out for me again when you did happen along. There’s no telling what would have happened if you hadn’t found me when you did.”

Carmine shuddered, “Don’t remind me. You coulda been dead twice over … shoulda been after that cat got you.”

I shrugged again. “Almost got me. Almost doesn’t count for much in this life. SEPH almost made my worst nightmares come true … but they didn’t. I think I would rather be dead than walking the path they had wanted for me.”

Thoughtfully Carmine said, “I … I haven’t teased you into telling me. I still won’t if you don’t want to. But … but if you do trust me, I wish you would tell me.”

Not sure I wanted to go into it I asked, “Why?”

He sighed and looked into the flames. “I’ve had my own run in with them people … or those like them … but it was years ago, before it got the acronym SEPH. Had to do with my first wife. Her father was … well … he was a doctor and looked down his nose at me for a lot of reasons. His daughter …” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “Been a long time since I thought of all this.”

I leaned against him and pulled the buffalo hide around us. “Carmine, if it bothers you that much why bring it up again?”

He looked at me and I was reminded in a way I wasn’t too often that he had ten years or so of life experience on me. “Because sometimes there is profit in digging up bones.” He sighed. “Let me hold you while I get this off my chest. Next to Gill you’ll be the only one that knows the whole story. I’d rather tell you now than let it sneak up on me down the road some place and have you wondering why I kept it from you, having you wondering why I never trusted you enough to tell you.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 30

“You don’t have to tell me Carmine.”

He nodded. “I know I don’t but … I think it needs to be said, for both our sakes. So when I say I understand about SEPH and what you went through, you don’t wonder whether I’m being honest or if I’m just blowing smoke.”

I shook my head, “Please don’t take this the wrong way but I’m not too sure you … or any guy for that matter … could understand what I went through.” I didn’t add that Asa probably came a lot closer than he could. It wouldn’t have served any purpose except to start something that didn’t need starting.

“Just … just hear me out.” I didn’t object when he pulled me into his lap. First off it was warmer and I liked it. Second off I also liked that Carmine seemed to take some comfort from holding onto me like a dolly though I never told him that. “You ever heard of a trophy wife?”

Casually I answered, “I’ve read what they are … and I understand the concept.” Boy did I understand the concept considering what SEPH had had planned for me.

“Well that’s what my first wife was to me.” When he felt me stiffen, he quickly added, “Not the whole fertility thing, that came later. She was a more traditional trophy wife. By marrying her I felt I had somehow overcome my upbringing and ‘made it’ in the world. I wasn’t ashamed, not really, but I was tired of the poor-boy-on-the-block life I’d lived since leaving home. Her dad wasn’t just a doctor, he was a civilian scientist contracted with the government at the CDC. e He hated me on sight, and I really didn’t get what that meant. My mother-in-law liked me and I thought that was all that really mattered … basically my ‘culture’ was showing. If my mother-in-law liked me and her daughter accepted my proposal, I thought that was all that I needed.” He snorted. “Hard to believe I was ever that young isn’t it?”

I looked at him and then said quietly, “No. Not really. You came from a loving family even if it was from a poor and not necessarily conventional one. Let me guess, you thought there would be time to bring your father-in-law around.”

He chuffed ruefully. “You could say that. Or you could say that we were just too young and dumb to be allowed out without keepers. I was in the military and assigned to a patrol around the CDC grounds. The terrorists had tried too many times to break in. Gill was a captain to my private but wasn’t near the stuck-up snob that a lot of the officers who came from families with money were. He tried to help me interface with my father-in-law, but it never worked; never would have worked though I didn’t want to see it at the time. My wife was too immature, and the constant tug of war had her running back and forth; she’d run to daddy when it got tough at our place with money or the arguing then she’d run to me when she wanted out from under daddy’s thumb. My mother-in-law and Gill kept me from going off half-cocked at the old … at my father-in-law or I probably would have been confined to quarters or been booted out of the service.”

He turned his head this way and that trying to work the tension out when I got the idea to move around behind him and massage his neck and shoulders. He liked that and slowly relaxed and started to tell the story again.

“I was so involved in my own problems that I really didn’t take in what was going on around me. There was a huge disconnect between the military and the people we were protecting. They all treated us like scummer on their Italian leather shoes, but I only saw that my father-in-law was that way. Wifey and I had problems to the point we weren’t … well, we weren’t being intimate. She had been gone a couple of months and I was finally pulling myself together when she turns up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. She’s crying and all that she’s pregnant and I have to help her because she’s scared of her father.”

From the look on my face, he guessed what I was thinking. “Yeah, that’s the first thing that I thought too only her old man was a jackass, but he wasn’t an incestuous one. You ever heard the name Patrick Kilbrian?”

I stilled, completely in shock. “Yeah. He’s the Father of Modern Eugenics, the movement that created SEPH.”

“He was also my father-in-law.”

He leaned back more than he had to, trying to feel how I was reacting to the information since he couldn’t see my face. I tried to relax but it was very hard; my thoughts were in a complete whirlwind. I thought if I kept massaging him I might hurt him so I tried to hide it by just draping myself over his back limply.

“It’s OK Gurl. If you can’t stand …”

“No!” I gasped surprised at what he was picking up from me and what his brain was turning it into. “Just … just give me time to take it in. I know enough to know that you aren’t like that … him … any of them.” After a moment I quietly told him, “I saw him once. He … he came to observe the group I was in. They made a huge deal of his visit and what it meant. Lucky us. I found out later that if he hadn’t had the stroke and died that day, I would have been culled from the test group I was in; he didn’t like me very much apparently.” I didn’t mention it was because I had thrown a lamp hard enough that it cracked the plexiglass right in front of where he had been standing, causing him to openly show fear. I was still three-quarters feral at the time and it wasn’t one of my smartest moves.

Concerned Carmine asked, “Why would he have observed the group you were in?”

Shrugging, trying to conceal things a bit longer I told him, “Who knows? I’m sure his motives were as pure as his heart.”

Carmine looked at me a moment and then his lips twitched. “You couldn’t have loaded that with more sarcasm if you had tried.”

I shrugged again, like it didn’t matter. “A little dab will do ya.”

Caught off guard Carmine barked a surprised laugh. He pulled me back into his arms and grinned. “You are something else. I couldn’t have wished for anything better than you in my life.”

He meant it and I was touched, deeply touched. I hugged him back. “Dr. Kilbrian was a toad among men. You are nothing like him. If that’s what you were worried about me thinking …”

He sighed, “I wish that was it then I could call this done and over with. The truth is Gurl that you have no idea just how … how twisted Kilbrian and his associates were … are … I don’t know nothing about the crop that came after him, but nobody can be as warped as he was. My wife hadn’t had an affair, not even an incestuous one; her father had been responsible for her being pregnant though. She was one of his … get this … he called them his First Mothers. It had already been found that the Outbreak virus was leaving people infertile. Only those of us that had been found to be immune were even allowed on the grounds of the labs.”

Something he said caught my attention. “Wait¸ you’re … you’re immune? You’ve had the virus?”

He sighed, “Yes I’m immune but not because I’ve ever had the virus. They were using the military as test monkeys for the vaccines they were trying to develop. None of them worked well enough to put into production but some of us did gain immunity from them. I was immune based on one of the first vaccines; Gill caught a mild case of the virus from a vaccine he was given – without his permission – but is infertile because of it.”

He completely blew through the explanation and I knew I would need to ask him to explain further but he needed to finish his story. “When our guys found out what the scientists were doing there was a revolt. DC turned on the Pentagon … on us … and we became Enemies of the State. My mother-in-law actually died trying to help us escape, all she asked was that I take my wife with me where ever we were going. I tried … I … I was too late. Some tests run by her doctors revealed that the baby’s genetic structure was somehow not quite perfect enough for Kilbrian and he had ordered my wife to have a … a term … termination so that they could start again. Because of course it couldn’t be his precious daughter’s eggs that were at fault, not since she was carrying his genes.”

Trying to clarify what he’d just said, “He’d … he’d turned his own daughter into an Incubator? And because … you mean … he forced an abortion on her?”

He sighed, “Yeah. But something went wrong. They never think it’s going to happen, that just because it is a ‘routine outpatient procedure’ that anything can go wrong. But it does, and it did. I found out she bled out so fast that not even the top surgeons of the group could save her. Kilbrian was already warped but the only way he could live with the guilt was to become completely cracked. Tissue – people – with what he considered bad genes were worse than a disease to humanity. They needed to be completely eradicated so nothing like what had happened to his daughter could ever happen again.”

Carmine closed his eyes and sighed. The pain, even after all the years, was still a powerful thing to see. “I didn’t love her anymore, never really had. I’d only loved the idea of her and it was the same for her where I was concerned. To me she was the princess that would make me a prince and to her I was the freedom she was looking for to escape being a princess. We’d gotten that far with coming to terms with it before her father had found her and taken her back to the institute. But I … I still felt enough that … that to have that happen to her … and not be able to stop it …” He scrubbed his eyes. “Gill and some of the other people in our unit had drawn up a plan to bring the whole institute down. I was a mess but decided with nothing left to lose that I was in too. And we did … bring down the institute I mean … and then we scattered. The Outbreak had gotten way out of control as the second wave hit. There wasn’t anyone to chase us all down even had the government wanted to. I thought that was the end of it until a few years later when the Harvesters and their like started showing up. Maybe if we’d done a better job … maybe if I had killed Kilbrian like I wanted to … you would never have had to suffer what you did.”

Of all the things he’d said the last sentence is what shocked me the most. “Don’t,” I told him vehemently. “Don’t you dare ever … ever … blame yourself for what SEPH has done to people. Kilbrian was just one man. He had colleagues. Do you really think that it could have gone as far as it has without the willing participation of so many people? Hundreds, thousands … for all I know millions of people.”

He shook his head in denial, “Not millions.”

“Yes, millions Carmine. Look at me. I’m a product of … of people simply turning a blind eye. Choosing not to do something is still a choice. People so concerned with their own miseries that they were either too numb or too needy to even consider what SEPH is doing to people to supposedly fix what the Outbreak virus wrought for the human species.”

“You don’t consider it a punishment from God? This Some One you talk about with such reverence? A lot of people do.”

Shrugging I said, “I don’t know … maybe. Or maybe He let it occur, let man suffer the consequences of our own arrogance. I’ve heard that the Outbreak virus wasn’t naturally occurring, that it had help becoming what it was. Are we supposed to sit around and blame the Creator for not saving us from ourselves? Sometimes I wondered why He didn’t let me die with my parents … until I figured out that I kept asking the wrong questions.”

“Wrong questions?”

“Yeah. I kept wanting to know why. Why this and why that? What right did He have to do to me what had been done? Then I realized, if He is indeed God … the Creator … it didn’t matter. He made me, He could unmake me if he wanted to and since He hadn’t unmade me by letting me die then there was something left He wanted from me. Even if all He wants is for me to struggle to survive day in and day out, to strive to be stronger because I struggle, then so be it. The rest I’ll figure out as I go along but I’m done asking the questions that I never really get the answer to I want. If you’re willing to kick back and let the Creator of All be what He is … some church people that used to come down and try to help the street rats used to call Him the Great I Am, the Alpha and the Omega … then you’re less likely to get in His way when He does help you and more likely to see it when it happens.”

“Like your clumsy elk.”

“Yeah, and all the other things that there really isn’t a good explanation for the timing of why it happened. Like you of all people showing up right when I was about to tumble down into a well and likely drown. Like the cat not escaping from the river while I did. Like Asa and Rosie being there so I wouldn’t cut my ear off trying to get the chip out of me … Asa who just happens to be a genius techie mechie and who just happens to be tenderhearted enough - or crazy enough - that he would help a SEPH escapee when everyone knows the price you pay for that kind of interference with the State. If I’ve learned nothing else, it is that timing is everything. Timing is what got me captured by SEPH in the first place.”

Carmine swallowed and took his courage in hand. “Yeah, about that …”

I sighed, “You really want me to share don’t you?”

A little hurt he said, “Not if it’s going to upset you.”

I leaned into his embrace to let him know I wasn’t being nasty on purpose. “Of course it is going to upset me Carmine. But it’s more than that. To understand how I feel about SEPH and my time there you’ll have to know about the rest of my life. I feel … naked … and … and vulnerable … and not in a good way … to have you know about how things were … and are … in my head.”

Enlightenment dawned. “You think by knowing about your life before I came into it that somehow that will mess up what we have now.”

“Bingo.”

He shook his head. “Wrong. Absolutely not gonna happen.” I gave him a look that told him to be realistic. “I’m not saying that it might not reveal a few things but I’d rather know so I can avoid making mistakes that might drive you away.”

I closed my eyes for a moment before telling him, “You are way more complicated and deep than I thought you’d be. Why aren’t you just a mangy ol’ cowboy like you try and pretend being.”

He gave me a goofy grin, “Ah ha … you just found out my secret power. I disarm people with stupidity and …”

I elbowed him and he stopped abruptly with a kind of woofing noise as the air left him. “The last thing you are Carmine is stupid so stop playing at it with me.”

He rubbed the spot my elbow had connected with and admitted, “OK, I was laying it on a little thick. I just want you to not be so … so scared of what I might think or say or do. If you can accept me for my connection to Kilbrian, don’t you think I can accept you for being a victim of him?”

“I’m not a victim of your father-in-law. I told you I only glimpsed him the once … that was definitely enough for him however.” I tried to hide the wicked grin the memory brought but he saw it.

Cautiously he asked, “Why do I have a feeling there is a story there?”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 31 (Part 1)

“Oh there’s a story there. There’s lots of stories. I just don’t know where to start.”

He could tell I wasn’t just talking to hear the sound of my own voice. “I know what put you on the street. You were an Outbreak Orphan. I know that you don’t remember much of your life before the streets … but that things trickle in every now and again. I can guess that your life on the street was hard. Even if I didn’t have any commonsense some of the things you said while you were fever struck would have been impossible for even a blind man to miss. And I know – and something you shouldn’t be upset by me knowing – that your life on the street … you had to do things to survive.”

I shook my head. “Carmine if you’ve never been there I don’t know if I can explain it to you. I had no one. I mean no one. I was nine when I found myself alone on the streets. I could try and explain it and justify it and rationalize it but it all boils down to one thing … I went completely feral. It was the only way I could stay alive. The only thing that tied me back to my humanity was the fact that I couldn’t pass up reading and … and the occasional glimpses I would get that Some One was looking out for me.”

“Now Saloli …”

I looked at him and tried to get him to understand. “Carmine … I didn’t talk. Not just didn’t talk but refused under all sorts of pain and punishments. It isn’t that I couldn’t … it’s that I had decided that I would not. As a street rat a lot of the kids … my peers … lost their voice until it was little more than animal noises like grunts and screams and cries and slang that only another street rat could decipher. We had nothing but the rubble around us to live on. We hadn’t just lost whatever we had had before … a lot of us … Carmine it was like we weren’t orphans so much as we were birthed by the mating of the War and the Outbreak and then turned out to survive if we could. No one cared.”

“What about those people you said tried to help the street people.”

“The church people?” At his nod I said, “OK, some people cared but I was never sure if they cared because we still had bits of humanity in us or if they cared because by caring they could alleviate some of the problems we caused.”

“What problems Saloli? I’m not sure I’m understanding.”

I sighed. “Rats. There’s a reason why we are called street ‘rats.’ Throughout history rats have been destroyers and contaminators of food storage, and disease carriers. In this country, the most common rat – the brown – arrived on ships around the time of the first Revolution. By the 19th century rat fights became a popular form of entertainment. Another form of entertainment was having dogs compete to see how many rats they could kill in a period of time. I read that the record holder was a dog that killed 100 rats in five minutes … it was called Jocko. Rats have been used in all sorts of science experiments supposedly for the betterment of the human race.”

Softly, like he was afraid I would stop talking if he interrupted too much, Carmine asked, “Are you telling me you kids got the nickname not because there were so many of you on the streets but … but because …”

“Of how people saw us … yes. Because of what people did to us … yes.”

Carmine groaned, like he was almost sorry he’d opened the Pandora’s Box but it was too late to close the lid. “Carmine, you do know what eugenics is.”

“Yeah, it’s when the science of genetics gets out of hand.”

I shook my head. “No, it isn’t a science at all … it’s a social philosophy that hides behind science. Kilbrian and his crowd violated every human right that you can imagine. Even simple privacy is something they can’t seem to allow. There were cameras everywhere in the dorm … and I mean everywhere, no place was off limits and the male guards, some of the female ones, loved to rub it in and give away private information. We were filmed day in and day out. Every infraction was a punishable offence. They would weigh them at the end of the day and week and month and punishments for individual infractions and sum totals would be dealt out or added up to put the person on major punishments. The object was to distill out the cream of the crop, the best … it started with genetic screening but after that it took off into areas that have absolutely nothing to do with what really makes a human a human. For a year I fought and fought and fought and fought. If Kilbrian had survived I would have been dead … culled from the pack due to psychological deficiencies or for some other excuse. But the committee that headed our facility had some brains to them, I’ll give them that. They knew they couldn’t cull everyone that didn’t meet Kilbrian’s high standards or there wouldn’t be enough genetic stock left to repopulate the earth.”

I felt Carmine tensing as some of what I was saying was beginning to form a picture in his head.

I continued. “So the eugenics program envisioned by Kilbrian never really existed. Even before he died it was out of his control. He was still hailed as the great scientist but he was no longer in control, if he ever had been in any practical sense. Someone had decided that a class structure would serve the human race better than total perfection in everyone. Total perfection was too costly. Why not have propagation of the species and make a profit at it at the same time? There would be kings and queens, workers, and drones.” My laugh was ugly and Carmine tried to hold me but I couldn’t handle it. I moved out of his embrace and closer to the fireplace.

“I feel badly about not being able to warm up to Sally, I can tell she’s a nice person and I tried to make it up to her by sharpening her medical tools, but she just triggers something in me. I hate being touched without my permission. I learned to let it happen, to tolerate it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still react on the inside. I nearly killed Asa over it until Rosie got my attention.” At his confused looked I explained, “It was that night you and Rob showed up that first time. I probably would have hurt him if Rosie hadn’t been there to bring me back to myself. It was like waking up in one of those infernal exams rooms at the facility. And you … I’m surprised I didn’t hurt you if I was out of my head with fever.”

“Let’s just say I didn’t get where I got as sec boss turning into a sissy just because someone landed a couple of good punches. Besides you were as weak as a curly headed kitten. I did trim your nails though, them things smart when they reach skin.”

I hung my head in shame. He’d never told me that. “Uh uh. Don’t you even Gurl. You were out of your head and remembering bad things. And I was going someplace … well … I wasn’t exactly paying a whole lot of attention to your need for personal space.”

He wanted me to blow it off, let it go, but it was hard to. I sighed. “Carmine, you have no idea what I was like in the beginning … not just like but what I actually was. I can look back now and see that I did it to survive but there are things I’ve done in the name of survival I will never talk about. I never went so far as to be a cannibal but the things I did eat … it would make you sick to hear it, makes me sick just to remember it.”

“Was it always like that on the street?”

I shrugged, “Depended on the season and how many others I had to compete with. Once I learned to raise rats like cattle things weren’t quite so bad again. Once the adult street people started being taken away it was almost a playground for a while until we realized what was happening.”

He gave me a questioning look so I tried to explain. “You have to remember we were basically living in the Dark Ages all over again. No radio, no teevids, no newspapers, no phones, no nothing. The only thing we had was word of mouth and hardly anyone talked to street rats, they were beneath contempt, the lowest of the low. So we listened when people talked but didn’t know enough except to be scared … like rats. We were prey and knew it, the adults were our predators as much as hunger and disease were. And now something was hunting the predators … it was something new, something frightening.”

Remembering when I finally put two and two together I shivered. “Finally some of us figured out it had to be the white coats … the scientists. They’d come and sweep up some of the slow rats or the sick rats and take them away but they’d always left the adults alone. We couldn’t imagine what they wanted, all we knew is that some areas of the city were now off limits to any rat that wanted to stay alive and free. As we smartened up and became harder to catch their methods became more brutal. Our former water sources were drugged, they would gas whole buildings, our food sources were destroyed … they introduced a disease into the rodent population, it was like a reverse bubonic plague and we no longer knew what was safe to eat. We left our areas and pushed into areas already occupied by other street people and other street rats. It made life … complicated. Too many mouths and stomachs for one area to support. Then at some point the white coats had taken the underground areas … the areas most street rats were afraid to go unless they were suicidal or drugged to the whiskers. If the white coats could take the tunnels then what would they take next?”

I shivered. “I was so tired that night from running and trying to avoid several warring gangs. Crazy people need space or they turn on each other and there wasn’t enough space anymore. Gang territories started to overlap and you never knew who you had to be careful of. The only place off limits for the fight were the no man’s land of the Barter markets. There was an old building right across from the market and I crawled into the smallest space I could and finally went to sleep. But I didn’t wake up there.”

“That’s when SEPH took you?”

“Yeah, from what I gather they had been watching and gathering information all along. Why they chose me, what … what drew them to me I have no idea.”

He looked at me seriously, “You really don’t know?”

I shrugged. “I know why they kept me, why they didn’t throw me back into the holding station before transporting me to who knows where for who knows what purpose … but why they targeted me specifically in the first place, no … I don’t know.”

“Gurl …”

Getting jumpy I started pacing around the basement. It wasn’t a huge room but even with Carmine’s gear all over the place there was still enough room for me to work the floor with my feet. “All my parts still worked, OK?”

Accurately deciphering what I was saying he said, “You were fertile? Were?”

Still unsure how far I could take my story I said, “Look, you wanted me to tell this story so are you going to let me finish it or not?”

At his nod I continued. “I was a lot more well-read than even my handlers suspected.”

“Handlers?”

“The doctors at the facility where they eventually stuck me. There was one there in particular that thought she had me figured out and I let her continue thinking that. It was a year and I still hadn’t made a sound even though they knew from examination that there was no physical reason for my muteness. Then out of the blue I just started talking and it was mostly to embarrass her. She went from contempt to hate which was fine by me because the feeling was mutual by that point. If she could have sterilized me out of spite I’m sure she would have. She said I was the antithesis of everything they were striving to give mankind and I was happy to oblige her. The problem was that due to the Outbreak there were too few fertiles in this country. Sterilization wasn’t an option, at least not with the female population. They were always worried that other … less fit … populations would over breed and upset the balance of race-less purity they were seeking to achieve. What a crock. Just like in the forbidden texts I eventually gained access to in the library, they were trying to replicate the European ideal in looks. Blonde haired, blue eyed Fertiles were the most sought after.”

“Your height didn’t make you stick out?”

I shook my head. “No. They decided that it was all due to a lack of proper nutrition during early puberty. I probably would have been below average in height but at least I would have cracked five foot and better. As you can see the rest of me is pretty normal.”

He got a look on his face and then said, “If you want to keep this conversation on target and serious you’ll knock off asking me my opinion on the rest of you. I like it better than just fine thanks and it is hard enough for me to keep my eyes in my head and my brain turned the right direction without you making it harder.”

I wondered just how he could be thinking of that when I was telling him all this other stuff but then decided his pragmatic side was one of the things that had attracted me to him in the first place.

“Anyway … like I was saying … they approved of my genetic screening results. In fact, my screen tests were pretty high and they expected me to be all grateful for it. They also just about jabbered in ecstasy because I’m immune. I don’t remember being sick but I had to have been exposed because three members of my family died in our house of the Outbreak. My brother was buried in the back yard and I have no idea how long I was in the house with my parents’ bodies; I don’t remember much. So I could have been sick and not remember it or maybe I got my immunity from being exposed to them. Regardless of how I’m immune the fact is the antibody to the right clade flows in my blood which means that I would have passed along my immunity to any offspring. They liked that and I got moved to the top tier of females in the facility.”

 

[Kathy in FL]

Chapter 31 (Part 2)

The cold was getting to me but I didn’t know how to go to him and ask to get back under the covers. I didn’t need to though because he came to me and we went to sit on the bed and crawled under the covers.

I slowly warmed up but the shivering didn’t go away. “We were being groomed. The threat of being sent to the Egg House … where they sent all the bad little girls … hung over our heads like a death sentence. You know what that place is?”

“I’ve heard … even seen the results when a couple of women turned up in one of the other territories and Rob was called in to see if he could do anything for them. They’d aged. Both of them were late teens but they looked forty or better. They’d had gone through menopause early due to all of the drugs pushed through their veins. Rob had to give them both hysterectomies just to keep them from bleeding to death when their systems continued to go haywire from all the drugs forced on them. And you say you lived with this for two years?”

I laughed dully but it wasn’t funny. “I still live with it. If they catch me … if they catch me they’ll send me back.”

He got real quiet. “You saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Just let me finish Carmine.” He fell silent again. “For all that eugenics tries to purport to be a science it isn’t. It hides behind science, uses some science, but the bottom line is that it is all subjective. It’s just social engineering to some subjective criteria; not objective as they claimed it to be. To continue the human race they needed all Fertiles – both male and female – but not necessarily to be egg providers. If you were completely fertile but your genetic profile was compromised in some way, they would utilize your body and you would become an incubator or an egg hatcher. If you were fertile but weren’t good egg hatching material they would take your eggs and give them to women who were fertile but genetically compromised. There are more women out there that can no longer produce eggs of their own because of the Outbreak virus but there’s nothing wrong with the plumbing. They wanted a pool of enough females so that they could be as picky and choosey as they wanted to be.”

I wasn’t the only one shuddering. I could feel the distaste coming off of him in waves … but none of it directed at me. He was holding me protectively and I didn’t know whether to be relieved by that or not.

“They are getting into genetic engineering but because of the low fertile population they have to be careful or they’ll upset the whole apple cart. They’ve got this sperm bank full of donations – both willing and unwilling – from geniuses. They are already capable of determining sex and basic characteristics of the babies once there is enough amniotic fluid to screen with.”

“Wouldn’t that be important to know?”

“If you are trying to decide whether to abort the baby or not,” I told him outraged.

“Hey, I just meant to prepare in case the baby has special needs.”

Trying not to be so sensitive and take what he was saying out of context I said, “OK, but that’s not why they were doing it. The fetuses were just tissue. If the tissue didn’t meet their standards it was excised like a cancer.” I remembered the faces of some of the females that had been sent to the hatchery; it was like part of their souls were missing. “The whole program is racist too. They claim to want a race-less world population but it sure seems strange that to accomplish this they screen out most of the non-white, non-European ethnicities. If a race is known to have a higher than normal incidence of a genetic problem … Ashkenazi Jews have tay-sachs, blacks have sickle cell anemia, in men from Tobago it is prostate cancer, the list is pretty long. I know it sounds all well and good on the surface but it is what it can lead to that is horrifying.”

Carmine was touching me, trying to comfort me but I didn’t want comfort, I just wanted him to understand. “Eugenics always leads to ethical problems. You take away people’s natural ability to procreate and you’ve taken away the most basic human right. We aren’t talking about someone who can’t procreate for whatever reason, or someone who chooses not to, we are talking about intentionally denying people that right. But we are also talking about the reverse of that. If someone can procreate SEPH seeks to completely take over all choice in the matter. There aren’t even words for the moral issues that gets into but even scientifically it makes terribly bad sense.”

He kept stroking me and it was the only thing keeping me in my skin. “If SEPH continues they will create the very problems they are seeking to eliminate. Genetic diversity will cease to exist. For a species to continue there must be genetic diversity. The Creator worked it into our very being. Animal populations that lose their genetic diversity – the Dodo bird is probably the most widely known example of this – die off because they stop creating viable offspring. Eugenic thought is just scientifically unsound. Under normal circumstances it is only possible to eliminate a dominant allele from the gene pool. Recessive traits can be severely reduced, but never eliminated unless the complete genetic makeup of all members of the pool was known, unfortunately I think that is what SEPH is going for.”

“What do you mean?”

“They gene type everyone. With the Fertile population being only a percentage of what it should be they can focus more resources on a smaller number of people. If they can catch all the Fertiles, even if they do it in a catch and release program like the Harvesters do, and gene type them and put it in some database then pull the ones they want to examine more closely … catching them using the implanted tracking chip … they can do a full genetic work up and then take what they want to engineer and implant in another female body.” Looking at his face I sat up. “What?”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry Saloli … I believe you, it just sounds like science fiction.”

“Better believe it is science fact. They might not be as successful as they pretend to be … to the public or themselves … but what they are messing with is dangerous and has long term implications.” Hugging my knees I said, “I’d rather be dead than go back to that life.”

He sat up as well and pulled my resisting body into his embrace. I eventually relaxed. I was to the point I had to trust someone. Carmine would either betray me or he wouldn’t.

“How did you escape?” he asked.

“Some One was watching over me,” I told him quietly.

“OK … now spell it out so I can see it.”

I explained how I’d gathered stuff along the way including information and food in preparation. Then how I’d been locked in and ultimately simply walked away while my prospective “mate” was busy fighting with his father and his pregnant girlfriend. “I have no idea how that turned out for them. SEPH doesn’t like to be messed with but the Outland Oligarchies are pretty powerful. It will depend on which side the government sides on.”

“I’ve heard some rumors.” I wasn’t sure I was interested but I didn’t stop him from telling me. “Seems the Lupton family is up on tax evasion as are several other families they are allied with in the Outlands. Several of the young people from those families have disappeared. I thought maybe their folks moved them off shore or underground but … mayhap they’ve been taken by SEPH.”

I shook, “Don’t ask me.”

“Not asking Saloli, just trying to put the pieces in some kind of order.” I could hear the sec boss in him. I didn’t hold it against him; in his shoes I would have done the same thing. “We need to talk.”

I clinched up tight but refused to let he see how it hurt. I jumped out of bed and headed straight for my backpack. I started throwing things in, trying to think and not having a lot of success. “What the Sam Hill are you doin’ Gurl?”

I jerked away from him. “I won’t take your pity … your … your … I won’t be told that come spring you need me gone so I don’t bring trouble on you … I won’t … I … I …”

He flattened me against the wall when I tried to avoid him. “You even think of trying to leave me under these circumstances and I … will … become … highly … highly … did you hear me say highly? … hacked off. I will follow you around the whole of the Wastelands if I have to wait out whatever snit you are in and when you finally wind down I swear we will have a rip roaring discussion of giant proportions and …”

I did something I couldn’t in living memory remember doing … I broke down crying and slid to the floor in front of him. “Wha … ?!”

I didn’t cry long and I started fighting again. “Uh uh … too late Saloli. See you’ve got me, now you’re stuck with me.”

He helped me over to the bed and got us both in. He pulled me over and I laid limply in his arms. He sighed, “Saloli, I … I’m not good at this but I didn’t think I was so bad that you’d believe I’d turn you out just because you’re running from some SEPH. I already knew you were, I just didn’t know why. Now I do. It don’t change the fact though that SEPH can’t have you, that I’ll die rather than see it happen. Just now we need to be more careful of the Harvesters too … and the other crazies. Specially as we ain’t sure that you aren’t carrying already. If you aren’t we’ll be extra careful until we can find a good place to hold up. I’ve got an idea or two but I don’t want to write it in stone until you take a look at my ideas. Heck Gurl, I don’t even know if you want to pop any rug rats out … you could be scarred for life after your experiences.”

I was groggy and out of it but not so bad that I didn’t understand what he was saying. “So you’re fertile too?”

He sighed, “Yeah, most folks don’t know … not even Gill … but I got took by some Harvesters one time when I was out looking for Asa. They were a weak lot and pretty easy to exterminate. They gave me the answer to my questions though and I took most their equipment back to Rob. I trashed the stuff they used for harvesting of course but most of the rest of it was just regular stuff.”

I brushed the hair from my eyes and then tucked my feet behind his calves trying to get them warm. “You say it so … so prosaically, like it’s just a normal every day thing.”

“Do I? Don’t mean to … just out here I guess it is more commonplace than it is where you’re from. People just naturally want to be free. Those that can’t live with the rules that SEPH has placed on society have been gravitating away from their areas of control for years. We’ve got problems with the outliers like the harvesters but not with SEPH directly. If that’s coming then we need to dig in and get prepared.”

“I don’t want problems with SEPH, I just want to be left alone.”

“You and me both Saloli but if it comes to a fight, better to be prepared ahead of time and have it not happen than to hide your head in the sand and have the enemy shoot you in the a …”

My elbow connected but only half-heartedly. He chuffed but it was only a shadow of his usual one. Then he took me in his embrace. “We’re a mess, you and me. Good thing we have each other isn’t it?”

I knew the answer he wanted and I was more than willing to give it to him. “Definitely a good thing.”

Nothing happened for a while but human nature is what it is and despite saying that we’d be more careful we only paid lip service to it. One day soon we’d have to face reality but for that night we needed only what the other could provide.