bartp40
Veteran Member
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your crotch!"
The pirate responds, "Arrrgh, I know. It's driving me nuts!"
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Back in February, little Reva Nell Cohen comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The Rever's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Reva honey, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," little Reva beams, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
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Two Louisiana alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. . . I just don't get it. "
"Well, "said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"People, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by Boudreaux's."
"Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and waits fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Dat's a Democrat hangout."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
--------------
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,: "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,: "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said,: "You were homesick."
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A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner.
Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.
-------------
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your crotch!"
The pirate responds, "Arrrgh, I know. It's driving me nuts!"
-------------
Back in February, little Reva Nell Cohen comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The Rever's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Reva honey, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," little Reva beams, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
-------------
Two Louisiana alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. . . I just don't get it. "
"Well, "said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"People, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by Boudreaux's."
"Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and waits fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Dat's a Democrat hangout."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
--------------
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
--------------
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,: "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,: "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said,: "You were homesick."
-------------
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner.
Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."