MAKE ME LAUGH!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement
2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt
in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring
to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into
it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning
SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent
fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the
premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Oh my dear! that is hilarious!!!! But I'm so glad I'm not the 'only one'....

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.

' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.
' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..
' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.
' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "No, the months up today!"

I guess that answers THAT question

Bar Stool Economics From the University of Georgia

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten
comes to $100 and if they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are
all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily
beer by $20." so drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the
first four men were unaffected...They would still drink for free...But what about the other
six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that
everyone would get his 'fair share?'...They realized that $20 divided by
six is $3.33...But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then
the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his
beer..So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts
each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before...And the first four continued
to drink for free...But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to
the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth
man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more
than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10
back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a
minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The
system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the
tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without
him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something
important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half
of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start
drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not
understand, no explanation is possible.

The maid wants a raise


The Mexican maid approached the lady of the house and wanted a raise in pay.

Wife: Well Maria lets talk about this raise. Why do you think you need a raise?

Maria: Well there are three reasons that I need a raise.
number 1, I iron better than you.

Wife: Who told you that you iron better than me?

Maria: Joor husban did. An noomber two, I cook better than you.

Wife: And just who told you that you cook better than me?

Maria: Joor husban deed. And noomber three, I am better at sex in the bed than you.

Wife: (clearly hot by now) And did my husband tell you that also?

Maria: No ma'am, the gardner did.

Wife: How much do you want?

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,

He says

"Hi, my name is Kevin,

It's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect :

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

When football was football

WHEN FOOTBALL WAS FOOTBALL with Johnny Carson. When football was played by men, and not like today's pompous showboats!!!

Art Donovan on The Tonight Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featu...DRLnoAY9E&x-yt-cl=85114404&x-yt-ts=1422579428


When men were men and smack talk only got your butt kicked.

How Irish Dancing Got Started

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_JOvx4XROQ#t=49

How Irish Dancing Got Started through the use of Portable Toilets.

A little comic relief.


Debating a Gun Control Advocate


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNb34vPqrN0#t=119

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful woman." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she will have a mild heart attack.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I'm entering" says Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," says Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they ask.

"Who the heck is Obama?" asks Pinocchio.

I was walking through the mall and saw a Muslim Book Store.
I was wondering what was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”
The clerk said, F#&% off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS



Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.


• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


• I had no control over the drooling.


• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.


• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

A side note, I am not the author, this was an email sent to me this morning.

A Responsible Texan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Catholic heart attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

”Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

”Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the
irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,

"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I Just can’t take that chance!"

Pilot's License

I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner.

On the phone, Ron (the CAA ####head), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the "ALA"(Authorized Landing Area), is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the "ALA," and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off, because at the halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.

For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. so, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the bastard was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two.

My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three "poddy calves" from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the old' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves, like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground! So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on "All tanks," so I suppose that's Okay.

However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again."

The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble," I thought...

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the "ALA," and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, and then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Now take it easy Ron," I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly.

Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight.. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500-feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting FAX access out here is a fringing' joke and the weather is always "8/8 blue" anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that.

Anyhow, on leveling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards.

We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron, was fringing' electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with mix. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tire. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tire.

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500-feet down to 500-feet at 130, knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight, but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the fetal position and was screaming' his freaking' head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny!

At about 500-feet I leveled out, but for some reason we kept sinking. When we reached 50-feet, I applied full power but nothing' happened.. No noise no nothing'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "crab heat, crab heat." So I pulled crab heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. BJ, you would have been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His Mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50-feet.

Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing." This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there." Knowing that the tire problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75-foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!

Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humor. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow..

I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tire with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger!

Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test.

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flaming' license. Can you?

Safe Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the
ground. "Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth and stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Nymphomaniac Convention



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman

he ever saw boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his .

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business."

I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,

and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences

to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "

"Well", she explained,

"One popular myth is that African-American men

are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact

it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers ,

when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina

is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said,

"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.

I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said ,

"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”

Man – “That’s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad’s outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy – “$750″

Man – “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t,I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy – “$1,000″

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that #### again.”

the Minister and a young boy's wisdom

ALLEN'S ANSWER

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, Allen raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and he said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to continue!

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips ."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice. "

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on,
everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says.


"Your finger is broken.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

Golfing

Dave is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,

"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Dave, "your brother's 103 years old. He can't help."

"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Dave.

"I don't remember."

Being A Farmer Is Tough..

BEING A FARMER IS TOUGH!

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,

"Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked," are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes,yes they are," and a little tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Wiping his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

Good one!

The farmer's lot is full of woe!

Well, who needs money anyway?

Characteristics of Liberals

After watching and listening to Liberals for decades on television, it is very easy to become afflicted by LFS (Liberal Fatigue Syndrome). Fortunately, Liberals and Democrats are pathologically narcissistic, selfish to the point of insanity, and cannot think for themselves because they are like sheep and therefore have very definitive characteristics than can be of great value to you when you teach your children to avoid them like the plague. Here’s a “short” list:
Democrats always get campaign contributions from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretense that they are protecting each from the other.
You can always count on a Democrat to lay down your life for his country.
Liberals always get offended when others talk while they are interrupting.
Liberals always approach every subject with an open mouth.
Democrats are misologists by nature – people who have a distrust of or hatred for reason or reasoning.
Liberals never open their mouths unless they have nothing to say.
Liberals not only want to have the last word, but the last 5,000.
Liberals are always long of wind and short of conclusion.
Democrats have nothing of consequence between the ears.
Liberals like you to come right out and say what you think, when you agree with them.
It’s easy to spot a Democrat, when there is nothing more to be said, he is still saying it.
Liberals have a chronic speech impediment – palpitation of the tongue.
Democrats are very cultured – they can bore you on any subject.
Liberals always have a diarrhea of words and a constipation of ideas.
Democrats know very little but they know it fluently.
Liberals can hardly wait to hear what they are going to say.
It’s easier to nail Jell-O to a wall than it is to get an honest answer from a Democrat.
Liberals will never look you in the eye and give you an honest answer.
What most Democrats need is a yappendectomy.
The best way for Liberals to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
Democrats only listen to a conversation when they are talking.
Liberals would be better off if their minds worked as fast as their mouths.
When Liberals and Democrats gather together, they become an island of insanity in a sea of madness.
Democrats talk about principles but act on interest.
Democrats are long on promises and short on memory.
Liberals are more than willing to put your money where their mouth is.
Democrats have the gift of grab.
Liberals can say absolutely nothing and mean every bit of it.
Democrats always stand for everything they think you will fall for.
The Liberal media actively helps Democrats to fool most of the people most of the time.
If a Democratic lawyer murdered his parents, he’d ask for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan.
Democrats advance themselves in society by pulling themselves up by their bootlicks.
Most Liberals graduate from college magna *** loudest.
When given a free hand, Democrats will always stick it in your pocket.
Al Gore is such a phony, he’s got cavities in his false teeth.
Democrats always give publicly and steal privately.
Liberals are always ready to help you get what’s coming to them.
When it comes to Democrats, the less you have to do with them, the less you’ll be worse off.
Liberals have the kind of intuition that enables them to put two and two together and come up with an answer that suits them.
Democrats can always be counted on to force upon you and your family a solution from their own deranged minds that requires you to sacrifice something to them for a problem that doesn’t exist.
When Democrats want your opinion, they will give it to you.
Liberals don’t hold an opinion, it holds them.
The less Liberals know, the more stubbornly they know it.
Democrats are genius at arguing about things they don’t understand.
Democrats always follow the path of least persistence.
Democrats are always itching for money, but never scratching for it.
Liberals have a problem for every solution.
I like Liberals better the more I see them less.
Democrats are rude and aggressive in conversations so what they say must be taken with a grain of assault.
Democrats will do anything for a worker except become one.
Liberals always study both sides of an issue so that they can get around them.
Democrats shake your hand before an election and your confidence afterwards.
Democrats are always trying to save both their faces.
Democrats love to stand on their records – to keep the voters from taking a good look at them.
Most Democrats divide their time between running for office and running for cover.
Democrats always find out which way the crowd is going and then they jump in front and wave their own banners.
A Liberal will always listen to his psychiatrist and then draw his own confusions.
A Democrat will knife you in the back and then have you arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.
Democrats think they know it all but keep proving that they do not.
Liberals always have the answers for questions you aren’t asking.
Liberals are always mistaking the right of free speech for free screetch.
A Democrat is proof that an empty head and a stuffed shirt can go together.
Liberals appeal to the emotions by beating the eardrums.
Listening to Democrat speeches, you can’t help wondering who writes their immaterial.
Democrats are very class conscious – they have no class and everyone is conscious of it.
Liberals are always trying to get something for nothing and then they complain about the quality of the service.
In ancient biblical days, it was considered a miracle when an ass spoke. Listening to Democrats, you can’t help but realize how some things haven’t changed.
Democrats are always a cast of characters in search of a plot.
Liberals always know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Democrats are always for diversity of opinion…so long as it is their own.
Democrats always support unions who labor mightily to produce nothing, indeed to prevent others from producing anything.
“Consensus” to a Democrat means that everyone agrees collectively what no one believes individually.
Democrats are a shadow without hope.

Liberals always believe that ignoring reality is the only way to be happy.

The Cowboy Boots


A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots.

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, “These aren't my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so,” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.”

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

Helping him with his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots so’s I wouldn’t lose ‘em.”

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Not really a joke.

http://faithtap.com/1870/mary-maxwell-speech-at-caregiver-award-dinner/

The old bait and switch

https://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0

Just released Viagra's Secret Ingredients


The Secret Ingredients

Aha, at last the secret is out!


I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

• Vitamin E 3%
• Aspirin 2%
• Ibuprofen 2%
• Vitamin C 1%
• Spray Starch 5%
• Fix-A-Flat 87%

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's
brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist
Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with
morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the
church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the
power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and
her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any
and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

Good one!

I did ton know if anyone was reading this site or not.

I am tired or our SHIT for a president and come her to spend some time.



Never argue with an idiot (liberal).

"They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience"

Time to level the playing field make jokes about
Muslims?


Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the
Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish,the Italians, the Polish, the
Chinese, the French , the elderly, bad golfers, men/women,
blacks/whites, etc., but it's "insensitive" to make jokes about
Muslims?

Time to level the playing field and be "politically correct" by
including the Muslims!

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection
to liquor, You might be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but
you can't afford shoes, You might be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You might be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be
unclean, You might be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide,
You might be a Muslim.

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You might be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry
explosives in your clothing, You might be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other
than setting off roadside bombs, You might be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own
at least four, You might be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it – You are part of
the problem in America!

11. If you voted for Obama, you are either a Muslim or a complete

I'm reading them. Good ones too!

This is a good place to hide ain't it?